It's Nuts Out There

Guess who died?

2012-01-31T15:21:00.000-05:00

When Ernie Kovacs died in 1962, he was noted as the most avant-garde comedian of his day... a guy way ahead of his time. One of his bits on his television show was "Mr. Answer Man." When asked, "If the earth is round, how come no one falls off?"

"My good man," he responded, "people are falling off all the time."

Dick Tufeld died this week at age 85. If you are old enough, you know him as the voice of Robbie, the robot in an old TV series, Lost in Space. "Danger! Danger Will Robinson," was his classic line. He had a great announcer voice and was in so many of the TV shows and movies of that era that you would know him if you were alive then.

As Ernie Kovacs might say, people die all the time. Closest of those to my heart is my mom. She died last week. She was best known as a wonderful lady filled with wit, charm and kindness. In a nursing home suffering dementia her last years, she was still a character.

Just last fall, she was sitting half asleep in her wheel chair between my wife and me during one of our visits. For no apparent reason, she opened her eyes, looked at us and asked, "You know that old saying, into your arms I fly and there, I shall gladly die?"

After a brief pause for timing, she concluded. "That's a bunch of crap."

Pretty darned good for someone 98 years old. But then she was pretty good herself. Thanks mom. Love you.

So at last, The Three Stooges are proven BRILLIANT! (I knew it all the time.)

2012-01-19T18:39:00.002-05:00

I ALWAYS thought the Three Stooges were brilliant. As a bright young man myself, I could see raw intelligence seeping through their every move.

Who could have said it better than Curly when he exclaimed "Nyuk nyuk nyuk!" as Moe stepped into a paint bucket while reeling from an opening door hitting him in the face causing him to back into Larry who was carrying a long lead pipe and turning to see what happened when the pipe swung and whacked Moe again in the back of the head? How dramatic. How spontaneous. How cogent. HOW BRILLIANT!

And that was 77 years ago (1935 for the not so quick) in a film shunned by 'The Academy' (those idiots) called Hoi Polloi... the colorized version. Now how does this prove the Stooges were leap-years ahead of science and, in a word, BRILLIANT? Pay attention.

First, the background:

In this Stooge adaption of Pygmalian, Professor Richmond, who believes it is environment, not heredity that dictates social behavior, bets Professor Nichols $10,000 that he can take three unsophisticated men and, through environment and proper training, turn them into gentlemen. By some strange quirk of fate, the Stooges were found as unsophisticated garbage men (not that there is anything wrong with that) and deemed to be the perfect subjects for the wager.

After many attempts to teach them proper etiquette (including dance lessons punctuated by an errant bee down the instructor's bodice), the Stooges are introduced at a fancy society party. It does not go well. Curly pulls a thread on Moe's jacket and the jacket falls apart. Larry and Moe prove to be the world's worse dancers with the biggest feet and Curly shaves in front of guests, gets his foot stuck in a spittoon, plucks a cherry from the punch bowl and battles Moe who kicks him in the butt, causing the champagne bottle Curly is holding to erupt, spraying all the guests.

Eventually, Professor Richmond concedes his experiment is a failure and forks over the $10,000 to Professor Nichols who, in turn, makes an apology to a lady guest for the rowdies. The lady, now fully indoctrinated, is offended by the remark and slaps the professor in the face. Richmond laughs and in turn gets slapped by Nichols. Then all the other guests start laughing and slapping and gouging until the party gets helplessly out of control.

The Stooges, disgusted by it all, realize this is what they get for associating themselves with the hoi polloi and leave... but not before the professors conk champagne bottles over their heads.

Flashback forward to present. (Got that?)

Just today, the international journal Nature reported on a new study that tried to quantify the DNA effect on IQ by tracking changes of intelligence over a person's life. The study concluded that only 24% of the life-span changes in intelligence could be linked to genes... and an amazing 76% to environmental factors.

Those Stooges... They knew that way back when. In fact, they thought their contribution to science was so significant that they remade this film twice more... in 1946 as Half-Wits Holiday and in 1958's Pies 'n Guys. Didn't anybody ever watch and learn? As is often the case, true genius isn't recognized until years later, postumously. Where are you Mr. Nobel?

C'mon science, get with it... and if you haven't clicked the Hoi Polloi link in the third paragraph, do it now! It's worth it. Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

PS: Thanks Wikipedia, for the background info.

About rich dead people, space, God and the genius of advertising

2012-01-13T16:45:00.002-05:00

Forbes Magazine has done it again! In it's annual survey of the 400 richest people, it also gave us the top dead earners, and to no one's surprise, Michael Jackson again led the list.

Last year, dead, he still managed to squeeze out $170 million. How does he do it when so many still can't get a job... and they aren't dead! He's Michael Jackson, for god's sake, that's how.

Dead Elvis earned $55 million. Dead Marilyn was third at $27 million followed by Dead Peanut's creator, Charles Schulz at $25 million. Pity poor dead John Lennon ($12 million), Dead Liz ($12 million) and Dead Albert Einstein at $10 million. How do they get by?

Milky Way as seem from my house

Our Milky Way galaxy has surprised us again. We now know with scientific certainty that our sky holds at least 100 billion planets, many of which, it is reasonably believed, can sustain life. So it is entirely possible, say those who theorize, that there is... or has been life, maybe like ours--give or take better or worse. Well, admit it... Superman HAD to come from someplace.

More mind-boggling to me is that, in nearly 14 billion years since the big bang, other worlds like ours may have already come and gone... like Krypton. Well, who can say we aren't as sophisticated and advanced as any of those. After all, we are increasingly advancing in so many ways that today, it would be really easy for just a few to destroy us all... and we're getting better at it all the time. Now THAT'S progress.

The "hot foot"

I don't know who will be our next President, but I do know that, according to Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum, they were all told by God to "Go for it." Makes you feel sorry for Mitt and Newt, doesn't it? Isn't that kind of like both teams praying for victory before the big game though? And how come God isn't a Cub fan? Could it be that God is also a practical joker who enjoys giving a good "hot foot" just like the rest of us? "Ow!" say Rick and Herman and Michele and Rick.

Air New Zealand came up with a unique advertising campaign a while back. They recruited 30 people to be "cranial billboards." All these folks had to do was shave their heads and have New Zealand slogans tattooed where everyone couldn't help but notice. So if you passed a sharply dressed bald man or woman with "Need A Change? Head Down to New Zealand," tattoo, you have been solicited. The living billboards were paid with airline tickets.

A British on-line beauty products store recruited 10 men and women to apply temporary tattoos with the company's Web address on their eyelids and then wink at strangers. They were paid, at the time, about 10 pence a wink ( $150) for their work.

This all started about 10 years ago when an on line gambling site paid a middleweight boxer to wear a temporary tattoo promoting its web site as he was pounded on it's "Hit me again" logo.

I guess that's how the "I'm with stupid--->" tee-shirts came about. Just call me "Stupid" I guess because I've got this natural bald head and no endorsements. What a waste. I was thinking... "Hmm, maybe Target has a trademark for me."

Freebie: Haiku's are easy
but sometimes the don't make sense
refrigerator.

Yeah, I didn't get it either.

Oh no! The cost of becoming a multi-millionaire just doubled! Please say it ain't so.

2012-01-08T14:41:00.002-05:00

How unfair is that? The cost of a Powerball ticket just DOUBLED... from one buck to two! I am going to start a movement... OCCUPY EASY STREET. Who's with me on this? If enough of us with real conviction get together, we could change the world... and become part of the 1%.

BUT WAIT A SECOND!

What am I thinking? Even though my ticket to fat city just increased 100%, the odds of winning dropped from 1 in 195 million to 1 in 175 million, making it almost a sure thing. And if the cost increases... AND the odds decrease, the payoff would naturally increase dramatically. That $340 million record jackpot will seem like chicken feed now. Shucks... talk about me looking at the glass half empty... When will I ever learn?

What this really means is that my financial future has gone from peiodically lowering the projected age of my death--and I'm already underwater--so dollars meet need, to WHOOPIE! Free strawberry ice cones for everyone... on me!

As to how I plan to use the money... with benevolence, of course. My friend to be, Steve Martin, getting serious on SNL in 1991, laid it all out in his Christmas wish:

If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be that all the children to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

If I had two wishes I could make this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace. And the second would be for 30 million dollars a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account.

You know, if I had three wishes I could make this holiday season, the first, of course, would be for all the children of the world to get together and sing, the second would be for the 30 million dollars every month to me, and the third would be for encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe.

And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be the crap about the kids definitely, the second would be for the 30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought out slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina-somebody, I can't think of her name. Of course my lovely wife can come too and she's behind me one hundred percent here, I guarantee it.

Wait a minute, maybe the sex thing should be the first wish, so if I made that the first wish, because it could all go boom tomorrow, then what do you got, y'know? No, no, the kids, the kids singing would be great, that would be nice. But wait a minute, who am I kidding? They're not going to be able to get all those kids together. I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible, more trouble than it's worth!

So -- we reorganize! Here we go. First, the sex thing. We go with that. Second, the money. No, we got with the power second, then the money. And then the kids. Oh wait, oh jeez, I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay, I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in hell! That would be my fourth wish.

And, of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace. Thank you everybody and Merry Christmas.

Hold on a minute... I've just been handed a note from my wife: "Hey Jerkface... you have to buy a ticket before you can win the lottery."

"Honey... Oh honey... you forgot to put a smiley-face on the bottom of your note like you always do."

If I had an extra $3.5 Million right now, I know exactly what I would do.

2012-01-03T13:21:00.000-05:00

I would buy a 30-second television ad spot during the upcoming Super Bowl XLVI (which, for those not familiar with Latin or don't have enough fingers, is 3-1/2 baker's dozen, give or take half a donut).

My commercial would feature a clever little video starring all my grandchildren--with the oldest, now 15 and really good at driver's ed, at the wheel--in a dramatic car chase through the streets of San Francisco... you know, like flying over the steep hills and careening down the crookedest street in the world... stuff like that. (Been done before? Not like this, it hasn't.)

The video would feature every cute grandchild in the car, all dressed alike in a nice plaid or paisley--for color harmony, of course--screaming, laughing, saying clever things and daring fate in a way that makes Indiana Jones look like a girl scout (not that there is anything wrong with that)... and cats, of course to capture those who hate kids but love cats... with fast, dramatic, heart-pounding music.

The car would finally race toward the outgoing ferry to Sausalito as it was pulling away, jumping the Bay and the widening gap between pier and deck, finally doing a screeching 180 halt on the deck (so the front of the car is facing the camera). Then, the cutest of the grandkids (you know who you are, right?) would hop--or crawl--out of the car, look into the camera and say, for all 100 million billion riveted fans (those not going to the bathroom), "Read papa's blog, Itsnutsoutthere.blogspot.com ... so it can go viral!"

Closing shot features the blog's web address as the music sweetens... image fades to black, then cuts to the announcer who says, "And now, on to the game."

Now THAT'S what I'm talking about.

I'm sure I would get my money's worth--only $3.5 million per 30-seconds (about $167,000 per second)--because good commercials in the Super Bowl, do. Remember the year's best commercial-- the one with the Star-Wars theme showing the cute little boy in a Darth Vader costume? The one where he tries to use "the Force" on his dog, and other stuff, then amazes himself as he tries it on his dad's VW Passat in the drive... AND IT WORKS!

It was the most popular ad on YouTube with more than 45 million views... and the spot generated over $100 million in free publicity. Not coincidentally, the Passat had more sales in its first two months on the market that the previous model sold in all of 2010.

How about the Kraft Foods ad featuring Ted Williams, the homeless man with the magic voice? Though Williams didn't fare as well personally as he couldn't shake his problems, the Kraft people say the Macaroni & Cheese product Facebook page following increased 430 % and sales of the brand grew 13% in the first quarter of last year.

Chrysler hit it big with rapper Eminem taking the viewer through the streets of Detroit in the new Chrysler 200, touting the city and Detroit pride in automaking. Hint: nostalgia, humor and touching story lines work. Inquiries for the car increased 328 % after the ad appeared... and 77,774 Chrysler 200s sold in the 11 months that followed--three times the number of the car's predecessor.

Oh yeah, baby. That's what I'm talking about. Results that make $3.5 million for the spot look cheap... unless you do it wrong.

Yes, some ads flop... but the difference between the good and the bad is often execution... and that sometimes define the fate of the advertiser and its agency... "We love you." or "You're fired." The inevitable logic, and the thing that drives advertising, is that good ads work. It is human nature to be smitten.

Oh, darn! Just tried to place the order for my blog commercial for this year's Super Bowl... and they are sold out, Oh well... there is always next year. And take it from me... as a Cub fan, I know what "Wait til next year" means.

The Power of One

2011-12-20T17:17:00.004-05:00

OK, so you've heard it before... but one more time, to make a point: Two men were walking on the beach, naturally littered with washed-on-the-shore starfish. Every few steps, one of the men would stop, pick up a starfish and throw it back into the sea. After this had happened about half-dozen times, the other man chided him.

"Why are you doing that? There are thousands of starfish on the beach. You can't really make a difference."

First man flipped the starfish he was holding back into the ocean. "I can to that one."

Interesting thing about The Power of 1... it can be so subtle that you don't even know when or how you affect someone. It often manifests itself without your knowledge or conscious effort... like being a good example, or smiling to a passer-by who needs a smile. It can be overwhelmingly incredible like grabbing hold of a stranger's elbow as he is about to step off the curb into an approaching car. It makes a difference...often an amazing difference.

Their names are Violet and Allen Large of Nova Scotia and you probably never heard of them... but that's the thing about the Power of 1... heroic actions are usually not notable for who, but what and how. Being a hero is often a selfless, quiet action that positively affects others. Though Violet is currently fighting cancer, the Larges, who won $11 million in a lottery last July, donated the entire amount for various causes including their local fire department, hospitals and organizations that fight cancer, Alzheimer's and diabetes. Said Allen, "The money that we won was nothing. We have each other."

Hollywood has a neat way of showcasing the Power of 1. Movies (and television, books, etc.) can show the perspective of all the characters and showcase cause and effect actions. How about a seasonal example: It's a Wonderful Life showed the greatness of George Bailey in the way he lived his life of personal character without ever realizing the positive effect he had on those he touched. (I love that movie.)

An organ donor talked about in the news recently, saved a dozen strangers by his donations... and the film clip showed the donor's wife listening to her deceased husband's heart beating in another's chest. Very powerful. (You an organ donor? You should be.)

And this season, how about Santa? Oh yeah! the Power of 1... in hearts and minds.

Most of us celebrate Christmas because of one man born about 2000 years ago. Need a better example of the Power of 1?

May your holidays be blessed and the New Year bring a resolve to unleash your Power of 1 for a richer you. (PS: Nice going you secret Walmart layaway angels. You make a difference!)

It's Howdy Doody Time!

2011-12-11T14:01:00.003-05:00

It may be hard for some to believe, but starting in 1947, one of the best things ever, if you were a kid was The Howdy Doody Show on television. Wow! When Buffalo Bob Smith asked, "Kids... What time is it?" every kid in the Peanut Gallery hollered: "IT'S HOWDY DOODY TIME!" Funny how a puppet show could captivate an audience. We are much more sophisticated today ; - ) with The Simpsons, Family Guy, The Muppets, etc. but even in its earliest days, television just knew what we liked.

Television was in its infancy and most of America didn't even have a TV set yet. We watched at grandma's house... got our programs from Chicago via a huge, ugly antenna on her roof. When reception was good (i.e. you could make out what was happening through all the 'snow' on the screen) and a call went out to the neighborhood: "Come quick. Television is coming in tonight."

All television was seen in black and white... and there were only three networks--no ESPN, MTV, HBO or anything else... and television went off the air at midnight or 1 a.m., replaced with a "test pattern" Programming was all 'live,' which meant we saw everything as it happened... slips, flubs and all... and we watched anything and everything.

test pattern

The first coaxial cable, which enabled television to be broadcast all over America at the same time, happened just 60 years ago. And it absolutely blew everyone's mind to think that a person could actually see the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans at the very same moment--live!... from anywhere there was a TV set.

Yep. That was technology then. And to place it in time, these were some of the prices:

Car: $1,800
Gasoline: 27 cents/gal
House: $16,000
Bread: 16 cents/loaf
Milk: 92 cents/gal
Postage Stamp: 3 cents
Stock Market: 269
Average Annual Salary: $4,200
Minimum Wage: 75 cents per hour

Garroway with co-host J. Fred Muggs

I Love Lucy was the first sitcom... you've seen reruns... and it was truly good. Edward R. Murrow had one of the first news shows like the network news of today. Dave Garroway was the first 'Matt Lauer' of the Today Show, all the way back in 1952. His co-host for a time was a monkey--really! The Milton Berle show and The Ed Sullivan Show were the precursors of the variety and entertainment shows of today... and The Sid Caesar Show with Imogene Coca was Saturday Night Live before there was an SNL. If you think I'm kidding, take a look on YouTube. Everything old is new again. Funny how that works, but does.

Alvin Tolfer, in his 1970 book, Future Shock, said there was so much change in such a short period of time, that if all of man's technological and scientific growth on earth were represented by a two-lane highway, from the first man to 1940 would be from one edge of the road to the middle line. Then 1940 to 1970 would be the other lane of the highway. And that was then! He also said, "The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."

One of the few constants is television programming. Technology has changed--sophistication in production, color and timeliness represents maturity--but we are still the same, simple-minded viewers of programming of the same genre... with hundreds of networks to burn our minds. Will we ever learn?

My... time sure flies when you are having fun.

To infinity and beyond...

2011-11-29T13:22:00.002-05:00

Sounds like Buzz Lightyear... but this one is real!

Back in 1977... remember (if you were born by then), we all had shag carpet and avocado green refrigerators in our homes... oh, and if we were really cool, we wore leisure suits. And if we lived in New York City and wanted to visit Aunt Betty and Uncle Bernie in Denver, we usually drove.

Let's see... that is about 1680 miles or so. At 70 mph ( heavy foot/lots of coffee), we could get there in just 24 hours of drive time. Pretty impressive.

Consider this: In 1977, the United States launched two space craft--Voyager 1 and Voyager 2--to soar past Jupiter, then Saturn. Well, they did. In fact, by 1989, just 12 years later, they blew by Neptune, about 3 billion miles away from Earth. And having no brakes, they just kept going.

Now, 34 years later, traveling at about 38,000 miles per hour (about 10 miles per second) without bathroom breaks, refueling or flat tires, these two buggers are about to leave our solar system, 12 billion miles away--a far cry from Denver--and about to cruise interstellar space. They are so far away, in fact, that it takes signals, which travel at 186,000 miles/second, 13 1/2 hours to reach Earth.

Another amazing piece of data... the two space probes run on nuclear power using less energy that it takes to light three average lamp bulbs, so it really doesn't matter that the price of gas keeps rising. The 23 watt high-grain antenna uses less power than a refrigerator bulb.

This is us, to all ETs paying attention

Each craft also carries a golden record that holds analog images and sounds of Earth... just in case someone out there cares to listen. Of course, this is before digital so they (whoever 'they' are) may need an old fashioned record player... just like the one I have for sale for only $25. Isn't putting buyer and seller together always the toughest part?

Now, how do you answer the proverbial question: "Are we there yet?" We really don't know for sure. There are, astronomers say, one trillion galaxies containing three septillion (3,000,000,000,000,000,000,000) stars--yet to explore. So what happens when Voyager reaches the extreme edge of the universe as we know it? We'll find out in just 13.7 light years (at 186,000 miles per second). Truth is, the journey may be just starting.

TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!

It's a wierd, wierd world out there...

2011-11-11T19:58:00.000-05:00

But miracles do happen: Take for instance, the man from Zimbabwe who was charged with having sex with a donkey. He told the court that, yes, he did pay a woman $20 for sex... and she miraculously 'shape-shifted' (read transformed) herself from a female to a donkey and tied herself to a tree.

"Your worship," he told the judge, "I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested."

Chalk up one miracle for the woman/donkey. Only three more required to meet one requisite for sainthood in the Catholic Church. But the road to sainthood is paved with difficulties. According to Father Guido Sarducci (of old SNL fame), beatification is slanted to favor Italians. "For Italians," he said, "they count card tricks."

British research (those Brits think of everything) has found that cows increase milk production if exposed to a little Shakespeare. After a theater troupe performed scenes from The Merry Wives of Windsor while rehearsing in a barn before a seemingly non-caring dairy herd, the herd's milk production increased 4 percent. (True) When several of the performers expressed disgruntlement at the lackluster audience who responded with nary a moo, let alone a standing 'O', the director angrily demanded they shape up or get out. "What," said the actor playing Falstaff, "and leave show biz?"

In America, we have the right to sue anyone for anything. Conversely, we have the right to remain silent... but we mostly don't...so the admittedly drunk lady who fell through the window of a hair salon in a sidewalk fight with her husband, is suing the hair salon. She contends the salon should have used safety glass because that sidewalk is "frequently traveled by intoxicated pedestrians." Good point since an Australian city has already installed rubberized sidewalks just in case an inebriated pedestrian falls. (True.)

Elsewhere in England, a 92-year-old great-grandmother was refused service in a liquor store because she couldn't produce a photo I.D. Serves her right, the little minx.

Should we be outraged or what?

2011-11-08T13:53:00.002-05:00

This just in from CBS News: The House of Representatives will be in session for only 109 weekdays in 2012! Yes... 109 days-- not quite 22 weeks. Compare that to a 40-hour per week job (if you have one) where you would work 250 days--not counting two weeks vacation.

So what will our elected officials who watch over us, make all the rules, champion the people and fair play, gather pork for his/her constituents, show those republicans/democrats a thing or two, earn to work so hard? Well... basically, they receive:

$174,000 per year in salary alone--for the rank and file members--with adjusted cost of living benefits every year. Many make more than that, of course
The ability to set their own salaries--and they have been zealous in fulfilling their duties in that regard... although they have the right to not accept any increase ; -)
Nice retirement and health benefits--vested after 5-years of service (or, one re-election... whichever comes first)
A comfortable "per diem" allowance for when they are away from home--like all the time

Now here is the kicker: in 2012, they will be in recess for 151 weekdays so they can campaign back home for re-election. In the real world, that would be the equivalent of 30 weeks of paid vacation... IF YOU HAD A JOB! And we are actually PAYING THEM a decent salary to do this instead of watching after the things that need doing on the job... unless, of course, they already have them done and were just hanging around chewing the fat until it was time to clock out.

No wonder it is so difficult to unseat an incumbent, no matter how hard they work for us. They get paid, by us, to spend more than half of an election year to tell us how great they are... or better yet, to warn us about their unscrupulous, immoral, lying, no good scumbag opponent.

Speaking of that, I dearly love those negative, kick-your-opponent in the ass ads because, how would we know how bad they are?

Isn't the American public smarter that that? Answer: NO!

So, consider this post a 'rant." I truly detest "the endless campaign," from one election to the next, at the expense--and subterfuge--of helping and building America by doing what is best for Americans more than doing what is best for themselves.

I know our friends, The Canadians (see map... look north) limit their political campaigns by limiting spending. According to Wikipedia, the longest Canadian political campaign was 76 days... and that was in 1926. Well, maybe that is a bad example. How can we respect a neighbor that has a coin called 'a loonie?' We certainly wouldn't call our dollar coin by such a silly name... oh, pardon me. We have no dollar coin... except for those billions we have been making and storing for years because Americans are too smart to use a dollar coin--"Makes the pockets too heavy." We do, however, mint the penny, worth one cent, at a cost of about 1.7 cents per coin, because we can't live without them.

My next proposal... consider a .0099 coin so we can pay exact change for one gallon of gasoline.

Obviously, we are too smart to fall for all this.

6,999,999,998, 6,999,999,999, 7,000,000,000! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

2011-10-28T15:44:00.001-04:00

Just 11 years ago, somewhere in Bosnia, says the United Nations Population Division, we celebrated the birth of our 6 billionth living human being! I'm guessing the baby's name is not Brad or Tiffany, but whatever, he/she is now part of our earth family. Oh, by the way, that is me in the photo... 28th row, 790th from the end.

And this year, on Halloween, to be exact (more or less), little number 7 billion will be born, probably in Asia. Welcome little person. As that baby will be so special to all mankind, it should be given the most popular first and last name in the world.

So welcome little Muhammad Chang (true). May you contribute mightily. Your Halloween costume should be our most popular: Angry Bird... though I still favor cowperson or firehuman, both generically and politically correct.

It does seems we've reached that milestone rather fast, don't you think? Seems like just yesterday--in 1360-- we were at 300,000, which is less than the U.S. population today. It took us 600 more years to hit 3 billion... but times have been good, baby-wise.

Can you believe it only took us 40 years to double that number! I'd say that is pretty prodigious. Current projections show a continued increase of population, at a steady but slower growth rate. Looks like we will easily top 7.5 billion by 2050, and India will overtake China as the most populous. Those two countries represent about 40-percent of humankind... and if they ever accidentally jump up and down at the very same moment, good bye orbit.

Mom... put another plate on the table... we'll all be home for the holidays.

Well I'll be a monkey's uncle... again!

2011-10-15T21:14:00.003-04:00

Can't believe it has been almost three years since I last wrote about The Infinite Number of Monkeys Theory. It proposes that, given an infinite number of typewriters (word processors to those of us in the know), an infinite number of monkeys will eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare. My, time does fly when you are having fun. But there is a need to update this monkey business with new, semi-scientific earthshaking data.

Remember six years ago when researchers at the esteemed Plymouth University in England conducted an experiment? Neither do I, but they did. To simplify the expected miracle, researchers gave six monkeys one computer for one month then, eagerly awaited the results.

Eventually, the monkeys, typing randomly, produced only five pages of text, filled mostly with the letter S with a few A's, J's, L's and M's thrown in. What researchers did seem to prove is that the monkeys were more "interested in defecating and urinating all over the keyboard."

Well obviously, they used uncouth monkeys... the slow learners.

Better still is the 1993 Simpsons episode, "Last Exit to Springfield" where Montgomery Burns has a room with 1000 monkeys (admit it--don't most of us have such a monkey-filled room hidden behind a staircase or secret wall like I do? Uh... you don't? Oh...) pounding randomly at typewriters. Looking over one monkey's work, he chastises it for mistyping a word in the opening sentence of A Tale of Two Cities — "'It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times?"

"You stupid monkey!"

As everyone obviously knows, the original mention of the "monkey theory" goes back to 1913, proposed by Émile Borel in his essay, “Mécanique Statistique et Irréversibilité.” (Really.) Seems we have been interested in monkey-typed words far longer than any sane society would call normal.

Well, in this computer age it should be expected that a new experiment has been conducted with theoretical monkeys working hard at theoretical keyboards saved to the theoretical hard drive in the cloud for theoretical eons--actually two months, computer time--to produce all of The Bard's works. And guess what? The best that came out of this were four nine-letter strings that actually matched those Will had used. Theoretical monkeys produced therefore, glouceste(no r), gentleman and King Henry. There were no ten-letter strings produced... and no theoretical defecating on those theoretical keyboards.

So it appears the monkeys have a long way to go... and chimpanzees are rated as the smartest non-human. But we never give up on the stupid stuff because... well, because we are human and we lack the basic animal instinct of common sense.

FYI: The smartest living creatures in the animal category--not counting us-- are (in order) chimps, dolphins, orangutans, elephants, crows, pigs, squirrels, pigeons, octopi and rats. And of these, I would pick the octopus as best able to reproduce Shakespeare randomly... because, of course, they have eight appendages... or in stupid experiment-speak, capable of four typewriters/word processors at a time using the classic two-tentacle touch method.

Are you smarter than a 6-year-old?

2011-10-12T12:24:00.001-04:00

No, you are not... if you don't follow the "Rules" as posted by six-year-old Jake, on the family refrigerator.

Smart really isn't all about what we know, but how we interact in the world we all live in. Have you noticed that we tend to tolerate well, all who know more... or less than we do? We don't, however, choose to tolerate jerks of any intelligence. Kind of "Golden Rule-ish," wouldn't you say?

Really... can it be any simpler? Thanks Jake for explaining it so well. Now if we would only listen.

Love, Papa

Everyone needs a good head on their shoulders yet, sometimes that is not enough.

2011-10-04T10:34:00.001-04:00

Here's what I mean:

ONE HEAD... In Homer's Odyssey, it is Polythemus, the cyclops son of Poseidon (the Greek god of the sea) and Thoosa (a sea nymph) who gives Ulysses big problems in Ionia. Hmm. Might have been the breeding, I'd guess. Obviously, one head... and one eye, didn't get the job done. Maybe two heads ARE better than one.

TWO HEADS...Meet Frank and Louie, the two-headed cat--actually two-faced but that has a bad connotation associated with it... and it wouldn't then fit the theme of my post.

Frank and Louie (his given name) was born with two mouths, two noses, three eyes and a sweetheart of a personality. Dubbed a Janus cat (after the two faced Roman god Janus), he was supposedly doomed from the beginning. Most like him don't make it past the first week because of congenital defects. They typically have cleft palates and can't nurse or their lungs fill with milk and they die of pneumonia.

But Frank and Louie was given a chance. His saving grace seems to be that he eats with just one of his mouths. He is friendly, soft and silky and will relax in a person's arms like a rag doll. He walks on a leash and loves car rides. He is just another of nature's miracles. Frank and Louie broke all the records and is now 12-years-old. But still, he's a cat. Maybe two heads are still lacking.

THREE HEADS... Meet Fluffy, the three-headed dog in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. Again it is Greek mythology that spawned Fluffy from Cerberus, another three-headed dog. Fluffy was supposed to be an obstacle preventing Harry and Ron and Hermione from reaching the Philosopher's Stone... but failed. So just how good is three heads. Need we more?

FORE HEADS... the ultimate in brain power. If one head falls short, two heads don't cut it and three heads end up lacking, then the only choice left is... ta-dah, foreheads of course. However, from the looks of things, that might not even be enough.

PS: You may have noticed that top three items have ties to Greek mythology. Not surprising since Greek is one of our oldest written languages dating back to 2000 BC.

One final quote by a Greek guy worth a read:

All men are by nature equal, made all of the same earth by one Workman; and however we deceive ourselves, as dear unto God is the poor peasant as the mighty prince.
Plato

So you think you are smarter than a 5th grader? Than Watson? Than a monkey? Than something... anything, please.

2011-09-29T18:46:00.000-04:00

Smart is subjective. There is no standard. We measure smart comparatively. If someone says you are dumber than a box of rocks, argue and you'll win maybe 80 percent of the time. But for any other comparison, be wary.

Alex Trebeck has all the answers but IBM's Watson has all the questions. So who is smarter? See! Already a trick question. Don't you feel stupid?

Einstein (renown is when you are recognized by just one name--not counting Cher and Charo) seemed to be smart. After all, who can dispute E=MC squared (which proves I'm not smarter than my keyboard... can't find that tiny 2) which plainly shows that nothing in the universe travels faster than the speed of light? NOT SO FAST AL, you loveable lummox... scientists have just discovered that neutrinos (which sounds like Italian pasta noodles) are about a billionth of a millisecond faster than 186,282 miles per second. I guess that means all the car speedometers will have to be changed now.

Are you smarter than a 5th grader? A heptagon is a figure with how many sides? Another trick question. Obviously, a heptagon is formed in the shape of a snake. Hep- get it? Or is it Herp-etologist?

Well, at least we can compare ourselves favorably to dumb animals. Can't we? But where do you find a dumb animal... and how can you tell?

Remember Let's Make a Deal with Monte Hall? Each contestant, at one point, was give a choice of three doors, one of which hid a wonderful prize. The other two held booby prizes. After the contestant chose a door, Hall removed one of the two remaining doors and asked the contestant if he/she would like to switch door choice. Only a third of those on the show switched.

Marilyn Vos savant

The probability is that if the contestants switched every time, the odds and outcome would be largely in their favor. Why? I have no idea. Ask Parade columnist and person with the highest recorded IQ on record, Marilyn Vos savant.

In laboratory experiments, pigeons, pecking keys to make a selection, soon learned by trial and error that switching choices was better. The pigeons then switched 96 percent of the time! So who is smarter now?

In another such study, four rooks (birds) were offered a worm floating deep in a water jar that was too narrow for them to reach with their beaks. After trying and failing, then pondering the dilemma, they collected rocks and dropped them, one by one, into the jar until the water rose high enough for them to grab the treat. Maybe they read Aesop.

Why didn't I think of that? Well, for one reason, I don't care for worms so I guess I'm home free there.

In another controlled experiment, lambs (and most other animals, I would think) learned which plants were good to eat by realizing the wrong choice made them sick. Me? I could eat chocolate til I die... and I'd probably still want more... or Big Macs or French fries or...

And I haven't even mentioned monkeys yet.

Yep. There is always someone (not counting Marilyn Vos savant), or some thing smarter than you... except for a box of rocks. One of life's lessons is that being smart does not always beget doing things well.

Good judgement and common sense... those are the qualities. And being smart... or not... is irrelevant to using best what we are blessed with. THAT is the key to life's riches untold.

Another top 10 list I didn't make

2011-09-24T11:26:00.003-04:00

Actually, let's make this a top 11 list because it suits my purpose. The list is Forbes 400 richest Americans. And consider my shock when I didn't make it... again!

Bill Gates at $59 billion is the guy waving the big "No. 1" foam finger this year, after an embarrassing drop in world rankings last year to second place... kind of like Casey striking out. Reason for his surge in a down world: Coupons! He and Melissa always shop on double and triple coupon days... and it paid off. This is a lesson for all of us.

Yes, Warren Buffett, using his senior discount to the max, was second, and blah, blah, blah. But that's not the story.

Number 6 is Christy Walton and family at $24.5 billion (note they round off to the nearest hundred-million dollars in this league).

Number 9 is Jim Walton with $21.1 billion.

Number 10 is Alice Walton at $20.9 billion

Number 11 is S. Robson Walton with $20.5 billilon

(Side note: The Walton family dog, Snert, dropped to number 23 this year with $3.4 billion and is concerned where his next doggie treat is coming from.)

So let's see... the Walton worth, taking 4 of the top 11 spots, comes to $86 billion. Pretty good total for a discount retailer. You did good, Sam. But what does that tell us about America? (It's a different story than you think.)

Walmart (the new logo style) isn't the world's #1 retailer because nobody goes there. We all do... even if we go in disguise so our friends won't know... or dress so outrageously that we grab our 15 minutes on YouTube.

And we all buy there... in great quantity. Walmart did $450 billion in retail U.S. sales last year! And do you know what its biggest seller was? This will kill you... bananas!

Walmart is the world's 18th largest public corporation in size and the largest in revenue. It has 8,500 stores in 15 countries. Two million people cash Walmart paychecks. Founder Sam Walton did something that wasn't high tech, so I guess you can say, he earned all those billions the hard way... by being the most desired SUPPLY to the consumer DEMAND... and he did it in a way we all seem to like, with low prices, high volume and lots and lots of stuff.

While no numbers are public, opinion and data say that considerably less than half--some guess 15 percent or so--of Walmart product, excluding groceries, is made in the USA.

We are all for "Made in America," but the reality is that supply (at the price we reward with our purchases) to fill our demand is what it is all about. As Sam said, as he built his little store, "There is only one boss. The customer. And he can fire everybody in the company from the chairman on down, simply by spending his money somewhere else."

There is a reason why half of the cars on our roads are foreign made and you can't buy a television made in the 50 states. It is not because we wanted it that way, it is because that's what happens in a free world market. Competition for the dollar is the key variable as consumers weigh benefits, quality and perceived value. It's called capitalism and we are "the deciders."

Just a little on Sam Walton's roots. Growing up during the Great Depression, Walton had numerous chores to help make ends meet for his family as was common at the time. Says Wikipedia, he milked the family cow, bottled the surplus, and drove it to customers. Afterwards, he would deliver newspapers and sold magazine subscriptions. Upon graduating, he was voted "Most Versatile Boy." As success came, he still drove his old pick-up truck from store to store, or flew himself in his small single-engine plane.

Today, his legacy for low-cost operation can still be felt at Walmart. The corporate headquarters of the world's largest retailer looks like an old elementary school or bus station--no marble floors, custom-built furniture or executive dining rooms. Management still travels on a tight budget when taking business trips and the overwhelming corporate mission is to keep prices low and associates happy.

Isn't it interesting that this impressive American entrepreneur founded one of the most successful companies in the world--a company that probably sells more foreign-made goods in the United States than any other? But that's not the story. The story is about the America dream that we all share-- to be GREAT-- and the impressive list of those like Sam that it has spawned. Where but here could it have happened that way? In this, we can take great pride. Seriously.

As for "Made in America," it's not them, it's us, the third largest country in the world... and its greatest consumer.

Do you know... ?

2011-09-17T14:16:00.001-04:00

Do you know that we have 10,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000 stars in our universe? Well, as astounding as that sounds, science has found that number to be a gross under-estimation! Astronomers recently discovered that a typical elliptical galaxy, thought to contain of about 100 billion stars, could actually have as many as a trillion. And get this: there are about 100 billion galaxies--and we are just one of them! Is that mind-boggling incredible?

THE GOOD NEWS: We now have at least three times as many wishes.

Do you know that "In the first few years after birth, there are 700 new neuron connections formed every second of the child's life. The achievement gap between a child born into extreme poverty and one of the professional class is evident by age 3," says Daniel Pedersen, president of the Buffet Early Childhood Fund. "I would build new centers for preschoolers, infants and toddlers, with three teachers per classroom."

Do you know that in Canada, guess who sells a McLobster... or in France, the McBaguette... or the McRice Burger in Singapore... or (my favorite) McSpaghetti in the Phillippines? Come on, Italy... the Phillippines?

Do you know that Warner Brothers, which bought the rights to Patty and Mildred Hill's 1893 song, "Happy Birthday," collect about $2 million in royalties every year? Hmm. If I could only remember the words.

Do you know that on 9/11, when it was realized that United Flight 93, the fourth hijacked plane, was thought to be headed to Washington DC, two of our F-16 pilots were sent into the sky with orders to bring it down. Neither plane was armed with live ammunition--no time. It was expected that the pilots would use their planes as missiles... and they were ready. It was the heroic passengers on board that took care of that.

As an aside, I was in Washington DC the week before the 10th anniversary of that tragic day, and the city and it's venues provided an awesome, somber, reflective, pride-swelling experience. If you haven't been there recently, go again, soon. There is no greater place to feel American.

Another one: The social networking site Badoo.com, recently polled its 120 million users around the globe as to what nationality is "most cool." Guess what? Americans were voted the world's "coolest." While anti-American sentiment is a high profile perception, "we sometimes forget how many people across the world consider Americans seriously cool." Less cool: Brazil, Spanish, Italians, French, Brits, etc.

Do you know it costs more than a penny to make a penny and more than a nickel to make a nickel. Oh, don't worry... I'm sure we make it up on volume.

Do you know that in America, anyone can sue anyone for any reason. Robert Lee Brock sued himself for $5 million. He claimed that he had violated his own civil rights and religious beliefs by allowing himself to get drunk, commit crimes and land in jail, just like the song. Sounds like a solid case, but certainly not win-win.

Elsewhere, a 290-pound man is suing burger chain White Castle because he can't fit into their seats.

Do you know that a city in Taiwan has offered an incentive to dog owners who pick up after their Bowsers and Fifis? For every bag of poop turned in, the good owner gets a ticket to a special raffle for poop-scoopers... a chance to win one of three gold ingots worth about $2,100 (shaped like a what?)... and the city gets all the dog poop it could ever hope for. Sales of dog laxatives have gone through the roof.

Maybe we ARE the Bizarro Universe

2011-09-05T10:49:00.001-04:00

If you love Seinfeld... and don't we all, then you just might remember his 1996 episode, Bizarro Jerry, which supposes there is a parallel world where everything is (oxymoron alert) exactly the same, except opposite. There was a Bizarro Jerry, Bizarro Elaine, Bizarro George, Bizarro Kramer... and even a Bizarro Neuman.

Note: As Dummies.com --the company that brought us all those yellow and black 'Dummies' books to make us all feel equally stupid... not that there is anything wrong with that--says in its The Theory of Parallel Universes for Dummies: "The multiverse is a theory in which our universe is not the only one, but states that many universes exist parallel to each other. These distinct universes within the multiverse theory are called parallel universes. A variety of different theories lend themselves to a multiverse viewpoint. (If you are interested in more on this, click the link.)

Seinfeld's bizarro universe has everything "reversed" in some way. Heroes are villains, beauty is hated, ugliness embraced and nerds with pocket-protectors filled with pens make fun of 'normal' people. But really, is there a bizarro world? Well, if a number of physicists actually believe a parallel universe can/does exist, why not? Who among us 'normal people' care as long as it makes for good Seinfeld. And it does:

Jerry: Like Bizarro Superman ... who lives in the backwards bizarro world. Up is down, down is up. He says "Hello" when he leaves, "Goodbye" when he arrives.
Elaine: Shouldn't he say "badbye?"
Jerry: No, it's still goodbye.
Elaine: Does he live underwater?
Jerry: No.
Elaine: Is he black?
Jerry: Look, just forget the whole thing.

You know, I sometimes think we are probably someone else's bizarro world because so many things we used to value, today seem to be backwards. We embrace 'reality' shows by the hundreds (Fact: In 2000, there were 4 reality shows on TV. Last season, there were 320 of them--really!), fall for all things Kardashian, suffer political rancor and 're-electionitis,' and put up with outrageous politicians of all kinds while real problems become polarized and frozen.

All of this, of course, makes for juicy media fodder, our anger at the outrageous, and great viewer ratings. We eat this stuff up. Beyonce's baby bump is a lead story. Sexting is news... and who was caught sexting is even bigger news. The Appalachian trail, which used to be for hiking, is now a punchline:

"Where did you disappear to last week Governor?

"I was hiking the Appalachian Trail."

TaDah!

The surest way to gain public attention is to to stand out... and wow, do we! Shop at Walmart, and if you dress 'right' you might go 'YouTube viral'. Cheat, lie, steal. Bitch, carp, complain... you are mainstream.

Lawsuit: Two lovely, delightful grown children, I'm sure, sued their mom for "bad mothering," because, they said, she failed to buy enough toys, "haggled" over the amount spent on party dresses and sent a birthday card that her son didn't like.

Even the 'hit' reality show, Desperate Housewives of Beverly Hills, knows how to boost its ratings by riding on the coat-tails of a tragedy. When the husband of one of its stars committed suicide, the news filled the Entertainment Today genre of 'exclusive coverage' programing for a week. Then the network announced--to satisfying media coverage-- that it would be running suicide prevention public service announcements during its showings. And while some were saying, "Isn't that thoughtful and wonderful," television moguls were saying, "When the world hands you lemons, make lemonade."

A very rich Malaysian with more money than he knew what to do with, just paid $5 billion for a 100-foot gold plated yacht. Its bedrooms are platinum and one contains a priceless statue carved from a T.Rex bone. "It will never be topped," he boasted.

Are we going crazy... or are we already there? What has happened to our values? Statistically, half of us used to be below average. Well, I'm thinking that today, at least 2/3 of us must be below average... a new world record!

Life is an emotional balance of what is happening, what we know, what we can do about it, and how we feel... but sometimes, I believe we are nothing more than a mixed up pot of people just waiting to be stirred.

Hey... wait a minute! We are are OUR OWN bizarro world... I'm sure of it.

PS: Lest I get too carried away, I really am an optimist-- with a touch of cynical sarcasm--who believes lots of good does happen, it just often gets lost in the media's weird demand for your attention... and our rewarding them by watching and caring for the wrong things. My comfort blankie:

A Los Angeles high-school senior whose good grades gave him an opportunity to compete in a unique free-throw contest, beat seven others to win a $40,000 college scholarship. Because of his skills, he was later granted a basketball college scholarship, so contest rules allowed him to take his prize in cash. But, the son of Ivory Coast immigrants said, "I've already been blessed so much and I know we're living with a bad economy," so he donated it to the contestants he beat. "This money can really help my classmates."

The Fresno County Schools Superintendent cut his own annual salary from $290,000 to $31,000. "If we face midyear cuts, I can have the money ready to go and it doesn't affect our employees.

Thanks, good examples. I needed that.

If justice is blind, witnesses aren't... but perhaps it would be better if they were

2011-08-27T21:25:00.000-04:00

The prosecuting attorney asked the key witness, a 60-year-old nun, to identify the man she saw murder the victim.

That man!" she demonstrably told the judge, jury and world. She pointed her saintly finger and repeated, with emphasis, "THAT MAN, the accused, right there." The trial was as good as over before the jury returned its guilty verdict.

Other trials saw witnesses putting it differently: "There is absolutely no question in my mind..." "I'm 120 percent sure...." "That is a face I shall never forget..." Guilty, guilty, guilty.

In this digital age of Photoshop and technically skilled users, courts will no longer accept photos as incontrovertible evidence... but an eyewitness... that's a different story.

There are 75,000 eyewitness accounts per year, according to the New York Times, and up to a third of those are, regrettably, wrong! We are human, after all. When DNA could offer absolute proof of a person's involvement or innocence in a crime, the first 250 DNA exonerations showed that 190 eyewitness accounts were wrong!

Marisa Tomei and Joe Pesci in My Cousin Vinny

Anyone who has watched My Cousin Vinny (and if you haven't, you should) with Joe Pesci, Marisa Tomei, and Ralph Macchio knows that. And how about that Marisa Tomei as Mona Lisa Vito... an Oscar, no less, for stuff like this:

Vinny Gambini: Your Honor, may I have permission to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?
Mona Lisa Vito: You think I'm hostile now, wait 'til you see me tonight.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Do you two know each other?
Vinny Gambini: Yeah, she's my fiancée.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.

At one time, I knew flamboyant attorney F. Lee Bailey well enough to ask if it is difficult for him to defend a client that he knows is guilty. Bailey, whose famous clients included the innocent O. J. Simpson, told me that if a person is actually innocent or guilty has no bearing on the trial. Every trial, he said, starts as a clean slate and what happens there is the de-facto ruling of guilt or innocence, right or wrong... and the flamboyant egotist loved the game.

Sadly, O.J. was, perhaps mistakenly convicted--you know how juries are-- for another 'situation' and is now serving time in jail instead of exhausting every waking moment searching the world for the real killer of his wife and her boy friend. Boy... talk about a rotten break.

Isn't justice scary put that way? One of my childhood nightmares: I was wrongly convicted of a murder and got the electric chair... really! Then, as I grew up, I realized how silly that was. Then, as I grew 'more up,' I thought, happens all the time.

I guess it then makes even more sense that criminals try anything and everything to avoid being caught and sent to trial... much like the Washington state guy who, while allegedly (the key word the media uses to keep from getting sued) drunk, backed his car into a building structure and brought it down. As police arrived at the scene, he ducked into a portable toilet and doused himself with a bucket of human excrement. "He thought," said the unlucky office who had to drag him to the ground and 'cuff' him, "that the dogs were coming and he was trying to throw them off the scent."

Well, nice try. He now needs F. Lee Bailey to tell the impartial jury, "If the excrement don't fit, you must acquit."

FACT: Life is sexually transmitted

2011-08-19T14:10:00.000-04:00

So admit it, love makes the world go round.

For as long as there has been life on earth, we have been trying to quantify love. It's an emotion we have all experienced times in our lives... and lucky ones seem to have it constantly on their shoulders. One would think that with such a familiar concept, researchers would agree on what constitutes love and how to measure it. That has not been the case... at least, not until now.

With a little research (Google), a few older recollections, scientific advances of quantum knowledge and wonderful personal experiences, I think I've got it! Just take a look at the song lyrics written way back in 1932, just as America was emerging from the disasterous Great Depression. Songwriter Irving Berlin (who also wrote White Christmas, Alexander's Ragtime Band, Easter Parade, God Bless America, There's No Business Like Show Business and other older classics) realized the only thing most of the country had left to give was love... and this song caught the spirit of that emotion.

HOW DEEP IS THE OCEAN

How can I tell you what is in my heart?
How can I measure each and every part?
How can I tell you how much I love you?
How can I measure just how much I do?

How much do I love you?
I'll tell you no lie
How deep is the ocean?
How high is the sky?

How many times a day do I think of you?
How many roses are sprinkled with dew?

How far would I travel
To be where you are?
How far is the journey
From here to a star?

And if I ever lost you
How much would I cry?
How deep is the ocean?
How high is the sky?

That sentiment has been played forward by Billie Holliday, Etta James, Peggy Lee, Judy Garland, Lianah, Diana Krall and many others. It has molded into a jazz standard and made more than a few people cry. So how do we measure something so seemingly intangible? We don't... but we're humans so we still try to quantify.

So, how deep is the ocean? (Almost seven miles deep in the Pacific's Marian Trench near Guam.)
How high is the sky? (Latest guess, 156 billion light years across... with a scientific belief that there is more... much more.)
How far is the journey from here to a star? (Closest star is our sun, a mere 140 million miles more or less, but we're talking love here... so let's hit it out of the solar system and travel to Proxima Centauri, 4.22 light years from Earth--or about 26 trillion miles.)
And if I ever lost you, how much would I cry? (A Pacific Ocean-full... or about 1/3 of all the water on the planet. Better hydrate.)

So that's love. See how simple it is to express the most profound feeling we humans know? What it means is that emotion knows no bounds. But in every lifetime, it seems to rise and fall like the stock market... which is good, right? For how would we appreciate the highs if we didn't have something less to compare them with?

That's today's lesson. Don't try to make sense of it. Just do it because, as another song says, love makes the world go round. And we sure could use more of that.

My "novel" genius idea

2011-08-09T21:50:00.001-04:00

Enjoyed author Michael Parker's promo appearance at our local book store (one of the three that still exist) for his new book, The Watery Part of the World. The setting for his historical fiction tale is the early 1800s and the main character is Aaron Burr's daughter, Theodosia, who is taken by pirates off the coast of North Carolina.

Anyhow, he talked about writing 'real pirate dialog' instead of the usual "Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum" stuff featured in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies..." not that there is anything wrong with that. Well, they made a bundle of pirate gold in a dead man's chest, for sure. What I didn't know, however, is that the movie idea came from the attraction of the same name at Disney World and Disneyland. Wow! That revelation brings with it, a plethora* of ideas.

*Thanks to The Three Amigos for the best use of plethora in a sentence:
Jefe: We have many beautiful piñatas for your birthday celebration, each one filled with little surprises!
El Guapo: How many piñatas?
Jefe: Many piñatas, many!
El Guapo: Jefe, would you say I have a plethora of piñatas?
Jefe: A what?
El Guapo: A plethora.
Jefe: Oh yes, El Guapo. You have a plethora.
El Guapo: Jefe, what is a plethora?
Jefe: Why, El Guapo?
El Guapo: Well, you just told me that I had a plethora, and I would just like to know if you know what it means to have a plethora. I would not like to think that someone would tell someone else he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has no idea what it means to have a plethora.
Jefe: El Guapo, I know that I, Jefe, do not have your superior intellect and education, but could it be that once again, you are angry at something else, and are looking to take it out on me? (FYI: A plethora is two or more pleths.)

But, if you think about it, look at other Disney book/movie tie-ins: Space Mountain, Snow White, Peter Pan, Monster's Inc., Winnie the Pooh, Aladdin, The Haunted Mansion, Dumbo, Cinderella, Buzz Lightyear, etc... all, big money makers.

So I thought... what rides haven't been both a book/movie AND an attraction? All of a sudden, I had two best sellers: A mystery novel--The Spinning Teacups of Arsenic and Lace and a 'can't miss' musical-- It's a Small, Small World of Trouble and Woe starring all the cutest little kids in the world.

Now how does that song go again?

Absolute proof... there is a God

2011-08-02T16:51:00.003-04:00

In South Carolina, one couple saw the face of Jesus on their Walmart receipt. Oh, they didn't see it right away or they would have been whooping it up, but after returning from church. They noticed the receipt had become discolored and bore the image of a man with a beard that was... well, I'll let them tell it so I don't mess up on the technical details: "It was like it was looking at me. Then the more you look at it, the more it looked like Jesus, and it was just shocking, breathtaking."

Add this to God on toast and grilled cheese sandwiches (popular favorites of Jesus when he was a child), God in clouds, Jesus-shaped potatoes, etc... and we're not even talking Blessed Virgin Mary here. Privately, I often wondered how toast knew what God looked like, but I guess if you are God, you have your ways.

Y'know, I often just breeze right by those who prophesy the rapture or the apocalypse.. but when word comes directly from the world's largest retailer, it stops me cold. Walmart even matches prices now... another sign?

This has me thinking about Hell. Purgatory was the safety net (you know... you just suffer a little--maybe with crazy acne and nothing to eat but chocolate or suffer allergies and ragweed is always in season-- until you have done penance for all your sins... maybe for one trillion-billion years, but since eternity has no time constraints, that might just seem like a few minutes, THEN you get 'invited up'). But since The Pope has officially eliminated Purgatory, that has a lot of us worried.

Worse yet, there is new proof of how hot Hell (which is deep in the core of the earth, right?) really is. A Japanese study suggests that radioactive decay added to primordial heat, which has been building for 4.5 billion years, generates 44 trillion watts of power. (Remember what it did to Godzilla?)

You talk about hot! In profound conclusion, Woe is us!

"Mawidge is what bwings us together today... "

2011-07-26T15:14:00.002-04:00

Statistically, most of us are married. And about half of all marriages end in divorce. And most of those divorced, remarry. Yes, most of us men/women, men/men, women/women, love marriage so much that we do it 1.4 times on average. (Statistics back this up, but they are confusing, so I've made your life easier by totally avoiding them. None of that mumbo-jumbo for my readers.)

Truly, "Mawidge is what bwings us together today... "

And if you haven't seen Princess Bride, perhaps the most fun movie ever made... and the only one featuring Andre' the Giant, shame on you. What movie can you name that includes Cary Elwes, Mandy Patinkin, Chris Sarandon, Christopher Guest, Andre' the Giant, Fred Savage, Robin Wright, Peter Falk, Peter Cook and Billy Chrystal?

FYI: Most marriages: An East coast groom married 28 times, only stopping to die at 88. (So that's the secret to long life. All this time I thought it was eating vegetables.) Not surprising, same guy holds the record for the most divorces... 27. (Side note: An Indiana lady has been married 24 times and is coming up fast on the rail).

Most brides, least divorces: Easy... polygamist Warren Jeffs who is on trial now for having marital bliss with his 12-year-old bride... one of his "100 or so" wives. Least number of divorces: tied for the record with none. Jeffs wants his followers to build him a mansion as big as a Holiday Inn in anticipation of his triumphant return home. Heck. He's no dummy. The guy will get rich just on the tips that are left for the cleaning maids. I do see a bigger problem... how does he keep from calling Stephanie, Suzanne... and Annette, Angelina... and Bernadette, Hey... You... er, what's your name again, sweetie?

Crazy mixed up bride and groom: The white American couple who had a black baby when she became pregnant just by watching a 3D porno film. Now THAT'S realism. I wonder if she had to keep those special glasses on? Her husband said "I see no reason not to believe her as those 3D films are very lifelike. With the technology of today, everything is possible."

The wife and her girl friends had gone to see how a porno movie looked with 3D effects. GREAT, they obviously concluded. "A month after watching the film," she said, "I found I was pregnant." And the child, it is reported, looked exactly like the black male lead. The couple is suing the movie theater and the producer of that very realistic film, which has to be a "shoo-in" for a Special Effects Academy Award.

Best right hook for a bride: Rupert Murdock's 42-year-old wife who floored a protestor trying to assault hubby Rupert, age 80, with a shaving cream pie in the face.

Most children in a marriage: 69... really? At least that's what Guinness says. A woman and her husband, in a land far, far away (Russia), a long time ago (1700s), had 16 pair of twins, 7 sets of triplets and 4 sets of quads. Hmm. Documentation in the pre-pencil days only works well if you are writing the bible.

Longest marriage: 86 years... by a NC couple... both living into their hundreds... or as they tell it... at least it seemed like 86 years.

A tribute to NASA as Space Shuttle Atlantis heads home from the International Space Station for the last time...

2011-07-19T16:10:00.001-04:00

Can you imagine... this is a real, undoctored photo!

It is astronaut Bruce McCandless II who became the first human satellite just 25 years ago! He is a football field away from the Challenger, 170 miles above the earth, moving at 17,500 mph.... though it doesn't seem as fast to him because he can't see the telephone poles zipping by. He and astronaut Robert L. Stewart made the first untethered spacewalks in history using their nitrogen-propelled "ray guns" (my words) to zip this way and that.

They were floating free in space for six hours while they circled the earth almost five times--105,000 miles-- with nothing but a few essentials (space suit, air, toothbrush, Swiss Army knife, etc.) Without phone booths, even Superman can't match that.

Discounting the obvious mortal consequences if anything went wrong, that must have been like no carnival ride on earth... I can't imagine. I couldn't even step out on the glass floor section of Toronto's CN Tower.

Commander Corey fights for you!

Well, these guys may have been the first ACTUAL human satellites in space but we have long known what it is all about. We had Commander Corey of the Space Patrol on radio and early television in the '50s, Captain Video on TV and Flash Gordon of the comics who fueled the fire. These fictional heros introduced us to space and stirred imaginations. And as kids, we were enthralled. From that generation came the space pioneers at every level, from scientists, astral-physicists and technicians to astronauts and the those who worked the launch pad.

Captain Video and Video Ranger

Space Patrol was best... it was first a radio serial where acting was over the top... with great sound effects--Whoosh! Zoom! Tzaaaap!-- to add (to the best of anyone's knowledge) realism. Commander Buzz Corey and sidekick Cadet Happy (really), with help from the beautiful Tonga of course, fought the the villains: Mister Proteus, Dr. Ryland Scarno and my personal favorite, the evil scientist, Prince Baccarritti whose evil laugh would curdle milk.

Program commercials were voiced by 'Captain' Dick Tufel for WheatChex and RiceChex with "... out of this world Space Patrol stuff that all Space Patrollers will want to have...spaceophones, projectoscopes and atomolights..." often with an important alert: "The letter "O" is very important in the future."

When Jules Verne wrote "From the Earth to the Moon" in 1865, who would have ever guessed... THANK YOU NASA FOR A GREAT RIDE.

Does that make Walt Disney the next visionary by naming Mickey's dog, Pluto? Hmm. Maybe.

So, going from the sublime to the ridiculous, as Loony Tunes Porky Pig would say, "Th-th-th-th-"That's all folks!"

It's bigger than the both of us...

2011-07-15T14:38:00.001-04:00

... AN ELEPHANT, of course.

In looking through my "SAVE" files, I noticed a handful of clippings on elephants. My delusional thought: "Hmm... maybe I'll use this one day." Well guess what? Today is the day!

There is no animal on earth that has the majesty and presence of the elephant. Elephants are socially, a lot like us. They cry, play and laugh! They have incredible memories (really), are sensitive and compassionate... if a baby cries, the entire family will rumble and go over to comfort it. Elephants have greeting ceremonies when a friend returns. They rejoice at the birth... and grieve at the loss of a stillborn baby, a family member, and sometimes, other elephants.

These magnificent creatures are unbelievably more awesome in the wild than demeaned in a zoo or circus. It's just them in their element and you, literally face to face. I've been surrounded by a large herd which walked around our stalled Land Rover... making for a few really uncomfortable, but incredible moments. I was at the rear, seated highest out of the vehicle when a large male stopped and stared at me from about six feet--I could almost touch his trunk... and vice versa-- for what seemed like minutes... then, walked on.

While elephants have no natural predators, they are terrified of... no, not mice... they are terrified of bees, which tend to sting around their eyes and inside their trunks. Recently, scientists have recorded a distinctive call, or "bee rumble" that is used to warn others of swarming bees. When the recording was then broadcast to other herds, some of the elephants fled, even shaking their heads as if to deflect bees.

If you are ever chased by an elephant, you should know that elephants do not run. They can't lift four legs off the ground at the same time. Moving their legs as fast as they can, they break into a brisk walk. However, don't get too comfortable. That brisk walk is still about 11 miles per hour. The average human running speed is perhaps 13 mph... but they know the territory. So your best bet is to stop, make friends and tell a funny elephant story, like:

Guy goes into a snack shop specializing in exotic sandwiches. Sign on the wall says, "We can make any sandwich you want." So the smart aleck customer orders an elephant ear sandwich. Snack shop guy says sadly, "Uh, we haven't got elephant ear sandwiches today." Customer says with glee... "No elephant ears, huh?" "Oh, no, that's not the problem." says the shop guy. "We are just out of the big buns."

Whoops! bad choice of stories. Instead: What’s the difference between a dozen eggs and an elephant? If you don’t know, I’m sure not going to send you to the store for a dozen eggs!

Oh, my God, is he still chasing you? Last chance: What is the difference between a tavern and an elephant's fart? One is a bar room and... are your ready?... the other is a BAROOOM!

SQUASH! (Sorry.)

No, this is not Oklahoma, but it will show you who is in control

Not a joke: An Oklahoma couple on the way home from church ran into an elephant... literally. "I didn't have time to hit the brakes, so I swerved," said the driver as he sideswiped the 8-foot-tall, 4,500 pound beast which had just gotten loose from a circus. No animal was hurt in the making of this story.

My favorite fictional elephants: Babar, Horton and Dumbo, of course. My jumbo tip of the day: Read Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen.

I'm telling you... It's Nuts out there

2011-07-09T13:14:00.001-04:00

College football mania is just around the corner, but some fans may be confused. For the coming season, the BIG TEN will have 12 teams and the BIG 12 will have 10. Meanwhile the PAC-10, perplexed and out of step, will just have 10.

Some are still reeling as the advent of same sex marriage moves to a broader acceptance, but get ready for the next big wave. Rajesh, a trend-setting Indian rickshaw driver, was recently married to Chinki, a monkey. As a side-note, monkeys are important in Hinduism. Well I guess! The happy couple is reported to have had a 'swingin' honeymoon. PS: Yes, true story.

During an anti-helmet protest ride in New York, one of the 550 bareheaded riders lost control of his cycle, was thrown over the handlebars of his bike, hit his head on the pavement and died. He likely would have survived the accident if he'd been wearing a helmet, state troopers said. Are you listening Gary Busey?

A North Carolina man drowned over the July 4th holiday. Cause of death listed in the paper (so it has to be true): He got a cramp because he went swimming immediately after eating. See... mom was right.

Some lifeguards in Newport Beach make $200,000 a year and many make more than $100,000. Teachers of the world... you are so dumb to be stuck in a job where you can't get a tan, wasted all that time in school and, oh yeah, can't raise a family on one salary.

Side note: The MEDIAN salary of 350 CEOs of major corporations was $9.3 million (that is for each!) last year so it kind of makes life guards feel "like, ya know, hey man, what am I... chopped liver?"

Superstar Shaquille O'Neil missed 5,317 free throws in his 19-year NBA career. Such prowess at the line compelled his opponents to create a new defense against him... the 'Hack-A-Shaq,' figuring the best way to keep him from scoring was to make him shoot free throws... and they were right.

Gasoline is currently selling for 12-cents per gallon in Venezuela! None-the-less, for the first time in that country's car-loving, anything-goes-on-the-road culture, a driver has had his license suspended. He was speeding. He was drunk. He was an on-duty bus driver. His bus was carrying more passengers than it could legally hold... and, oh yes, the bus was missing a wheel. I hope he has learned his lesson.

India is growing at the rate of 44 new people per hour vs. New York's nine and London's one-per-hour pace. India will overtake China in total population by 2050... and get this: 92 % of Mumbai's workers walk, use buses or trains to get to work. Now doesn't that seem a lot more relaxing than being stuck in traffic?

In an attempt to slow the population growth, India has recently begun encouraging man-monkey marriages. (Yes, that's a joke... but hmm... if it can work for one... )

Made in America: What's good for General Bullmoose (ref. Al Capp) isn't--necessarily--good for the USA anymore.

2011-06-29T21:25:00.000-04:00

ABC's World News with Dianne Sawyer recently produced a segment called "Made in America." The several-part piece has astounded us as to how few of the things we commonly buy are actually made in America. It is a surprise, but it shouldn't be.

Al Capp was the incredible, satirical genius behind Li'l Abner, a very cool, used-to-be comic strip that you have to be over 50 to remember. General Bullmoose, an early character, was Capp's personification of General Motors, an industry giant of the time. (But times change, don't they?) General Bullmoose knew how to make money... the American way, by ingenuity, boldness, dominance and opportunism... sort of the way Capp--and others--saw GM, the world's leading automaker and industrialist of the time.

America was the icon of the universe... the most powerful of the superpowers, the one all others looked to when something... anything was needed. We were the export kings... the breadbasket... the shining example of what everyone else wanted, as we still are, in some of the same and many new ways. Our capitalistic bent said supply and demand was the rule... we were the supply... and everything American was in demand. So what was good for General Bullmoose was good for the USA--more in truth than many were willing to admit.

Ah... it's good to be king.

But that was then. This is today.... America still standing tall and still greatly admired by most. But if you read Thomas Friedman's book, The World is Flat, you have an interesting history of how things have changed... and they have. That's evolution for you. Things change, we adapt.

Supply and demand have changed. Best single example: Walmart. Most products are not made in America but we buy them-- making Walmart the world's largest retailer--because we find stuff there that we want/need, and it is usually competively priced, having been made--here and everywhere in the world-- and delivered to their shelves at a most competitive price point. We create our demand, the flat world supplies it.

Today, we are consumers, by 2/3 to 1/3 over what we export.

Made in America is still a great thing... but far from the only thing. Made in China, made in Japan, made in Taiwan, Germany, Portugal, etc. is so today. Picture the world as (forgive me) one big Walmart. General Bullmoose is dead (and so is Al Capp, in 1979).

Think I'm kidding? One look through your closet... your garage... your house, will tell you I'm not. But there is more:

San Francisco is rebuilding its Bay Bridge, the link between 'The City' and Oakland. And that bridge, honest, is being built in China. Two dozen giant sections-- each as big as half-a-football field-- were built there and shipped 6,500 miles to Oakland for assembly. California says it saved hundreds of millions of dollars and obviously, believes quality will serve its citizens well.

China, reports the New York Times, is also 'building' copper mines in the Congo, high-speed rail lines in Brazil and huge apartment complexes in Saudi Arabia. China also builds your iPad, toys, jetliners and lots and lots of other products. Want to have a look at what we import and from where? Check this out. Pretty interesting.

Yes, we still make stuff. Yes we still innovate. Yes we are still really good at lots and lots. But the world is larger, smarter, flatter... and much more productive. Has to be. World population has grown from 2.5 billion in 1950 to 6.1 billion in 2000 and will be around 9.3 billion by 2050! Prolific little buggers, aren't we?

General Bullmoose is dead... we are not. But we sure are different.

Last note: The pendulum swings. Lately, some American companies are bringing production back to our shores. Capitalism's rules mandate that where it's made and how much it costs will always be changing variables.

Death never comes easy in the movies

2011-06-23T10:43:00.002-04:00

I saw a guy die once... actually, a guy, his girlfriend and a fetus. He was 'hot-dogging' and tried to pass a car--his sister's car-- on a hill. I saw it all through my windshield as I was driving toward him up the other side, about 50 yards below the crest. With a ditch and wall on my right, I was 'frozen' in place. He was coming at me, head-on, at a police-estimated 70 mph. When he realized he had to do something, he sped up and took a violent right, over-correcting onto the shoulder. When he pulled left, trying to save it and have a great story to tell the guys at the shop, he lost a wheel and T-boned my vehicle.

His story died right there, just a few feet in front of me. Mine, blessedly, did not. Whole thing, start of finish, took 5 seconds, max. Death in the blink of an eye.

Now in the movies, it's a different story... especially if you are Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, Freddy Krueger or Chucky. Yep, the super creeps of horror movies. (Wired magazine did the heavy research-- 41 originals and sequels in total.)

Jason, of Friday the 13th fame, drowns, takes a machete to the shoulder, an ax to the head and re-drowns (can you do that?). He falls into toxic waste, is stabbed with a mythical dagger and dragged to hell. You'd think that would do it... but NO! He is blown to pieces, stabbed with a fireplace poker and ejected into space. Dead? Don't bet on it. Latest sequel count, 11 plus the original.

Michael Meyers in Halloween is knitting-needled (Viola! A new verb, created by me) in the head, coat-hangered (Another! I'm on a roll) in the eye, is shot six times, falls two-stories, is shot five times, shot in both eyes, blown up, hit by a truck, thrown from a car, beaten with a pipe, stabbed with two knives, falls from a balcony, is thrown through a windshield, is pinned between an ambulance and a tree then decapitated with an axe... and if that isn't enough, he is impaled on spikes and stabbed in the face and chest. Whew! In the original and 10 sequels, dying is such hard work.

Freddy Krueger of Nightmare on Elm Street fame is burned alive, sledge-hammered in the stomach, burned again, ignored (Oh no! Not ignored.), is splashed by holy water (and doesn't make the sign-of-the-cross), is buried in sacred ground, torn apart by souls of victims released from the dead, pipe-bombed in the chest, trapped in a furnace, decapitated, had his hand-severed and has his throat slit. Shame... he was the chatty one. All this happened in the original movie and 13 sequels!

Chucky of Chucky fame, the darned cutest of them all, is burned in a fireplace, cuts off his own legs to escape being impaled, is covered in molten plastic, has his head blown up, his face cut with a scythe, is shot and chopped up in a fan. This in only the original and 4 sequels... which makes Chucky a mere rookie in the Crazed and Impossible to Kill Killers Hall of Fame. Can't wait to see the next sequel.

The bad guys never die easy, or at all. And the good die young... but of course, they are not great box office. So I guess it makes sense.

Finally... A political figure that sets a good example!

2011-06-20T12:17:00.001-04:00

Did you ever see a better mug shot than this one of John Edwards? How come more hardened criminals--and others charged and indicted--don't take more pride in how they look for the public?

ATTENTION ALL OF YOU CONVICTED, CHARGED AND/OR INDICTED: Wear your best white shirt and nice tie... no, not the one with soup on it, but the nice one. Make sure you have a $400 haircut (easily affordable it if you are a good thief) and, for God's sake, sharpen up those tattoos with a magic marker if you have to. How about a little pride and nice smile? You're trying to make a good impression.

To review: Bad Mug shot

Bad mug shot

Bad mug shot... with redeeming qualities

Good mug shot

See what I mean? NOW THAT'S A MUG SHOT! Thank you, John Edwards, for setting a good example!

The richest of the rich: Just think of the good that could happen if this duo put their differences aside and stood together. Why, they could save the world!

2011-06-09T11:45:00.002-04:00

Thank you Forbes, for helping us settle an argument. Just who is the richest on the planet?

Forbes has long been know to keep tabs on the world's richest person, largest company, highest earning athlete, etc. But growing up, the one image that sticks with me is Scrooge McDuck rolling in all his gold coins, laughing at how he outsmarted the Beagle Boys (who are always scheming to steal his gold) again.

So if Scrooge is so rich, how does he compare to Bill Gates, USA's richest at $54 billion? Well, after calculating all his gold (measured scientifically by Forbes' "moneyologists"--depth of gold x area of arena-size vault--at today's soaring market prices), poor Scrooge only came up to $44 billion... a measly $10 billion shortfall.

OK... two "realities" here... Scrooge must have lost at least $10 billion in gold by playing with his money, swimming in it, running it through his webby fingers, etc. (Mom always told me not to play with my money or I might loose it. That's why I still use the old "wrap it in my handkerchief and pin it inside my pocket trick.") Or, maybe those Beagle Boys did siphon-off $10 bil. or so... one never knows. All I can tell you is that they drive a new car every year.

Viewed another way, picture all of Bill Gates' wealth in gold... the way Scrooge likes it... with Bill sitting on top of a pile that is 20 percent bigger than Scrooge's! Now that's impressive. (Also impressive is that Bill Gates and his wife Melinda have given nearly $25 billion to worthy causes everywhere in the world through their still growing foundation, which is incredible... and worth a look for your own information.)

So we have settled that. Bill Gates is worth more than Scrooge McDuck... and what Gates has benevolently given makes him more valued by far than any other billionaire, of which there are now 1,210. (Officially according to Forbes 2011 listings, Gates is the second richest man on earth... behind Mexico's Carlos Slim Helu by only a paltry $12 billion, give or take a few bucks.)

Other fictional billionaires that made this year's Forbes' list:

Richie Rich is worth $9.7 billion
Bruce Wayne (aka Batman... but don't tell anyone), $7 billion
Mr. Monopoly, of course, $2.6 billion
Montgomery Burns (Homer Simpson's boss) $1.1 billion

Dropping off the Fictional Billionaire's list from prior years: Jabba the Hutt, Thurston Howell III, Jed Clampett, Laura Croft, Willy Wonka, Cruella De Vil, Lex Luthor, "Daddy" Warbucks... and sadly, Santa Claus, who, with the price of toys increasing every year along with the growing population, is using all his resources just to keep the elves in food, clothing and shelter so they can continue to give hope to all the children of the world... God bless the elves for staying with him.

And, as I always say when I play my traditional role of Tiny Tim in our annual family Christmas recreation of Scrooge, the movie and stage play, "God bless us, one and all."

Other people's stuff, more or less.

2011-06-01T03:53:00.004-04:00

Every day I try to say unique things... like Unique New York, three times real fast... or the world's hardest tongue-twister, The sixth sheik's sheep is sick.

Or, I had a wooden whistle and it wouldn't whistle, then I got a steel whistle and it still wouldn't whistle. So I got a tin whistle... and now I 'tin' whistle... but enough of me.

I just read a little of Mardy Grothe's new book, Neverisms: A Quotation Lover's Guide to Things You Should Never Do. It makes so much common sense:

Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Never make a speech at a country dance or a football game.
Never eat Chinese food in Oklahoma.
Never get caught in bed with a live man or a dead woman.
Never change diapers in mid-stream.
Never lose sight of the fact that old age needs so little but needs that little so much.
Never eat at a place called "Mom's."
Never give your girl and your dog the same kind of jewelry.

See? And you probably have your own. Let me know and I'll add to the list.

Then there are "Ruminations" by Aaron Karo that ring true. He says:

They want me to mail in my 'scrap gold. Scrap gold? Yeah, I keep it out in the garage next to the barrel of worn out diamonds.
I still don't understand why people have different opinions than me.
How did no one else have the same shoe size as Cinderella? Was she some kind of freak?
Why don't they just bottle tears and sell them as make-up remover?
All of those extreme couponers across America need to get together and propose a budget plan to the president.
One poor movie decision and now Netflix thinks I'm an 80-year-old woman
I hate it when people I hate like things that I like.

Other important things to know:

The incredibly beautiful 'Toilet Seat Hat' worn by Princess Beatrice, (Fergie's daughter--no, not the singer) at the royal wedding six weeks ago was sold at auction for about $100,000 US dollars (I couldn't find the British 'pound' sign on my computer) to some lucky person. Don't worry... the money will go to charity... to help them buy toilet seats for that proverbial pot, if they have one. Now, who would pay a hundred grand, let alone be able to afford it?

Maybe one of these guys... The world's four richest men, Carlos Slim (a Mexican magnate), Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Mukesh Ambani (India's richest) control more wealth than the world's 57 poorest countries. Take that, third world.
Malawi (in Southeast Africa) is considering a law against breaking wind in public. That could lead to a lot of finger pointing.
One out of three people under the age of 40 in the USA has at least one tattoo except in the NBA where the percentage has to be in the high 90s, which might skew the numbers. Now multiple ear-piercings are OK, but some go even further and opt for elf ears... where the tops of their ears are cut then sewn back together in a pointed shape. Neat, Tinker Bell.
Almost half of the adults left in Detroit are functionally illiterate, says a recent study. Gohw Tygers!
There are now 7 billion of us on earth... soon to grow to 10 billion by 2020... and perhaps 15.8 billion by 2100... and we'll still have room left over in Wyoming.
Talk about high paid athletes, Gaius Appuleius Diocles, called the "champion of all charioteers" in 146 a.d., retired at 42 with 36 million sesterces in earnings... about $15 billion in today's world, not counting Nike endorsements.

True story: When a British schoolboy was unable to remove a vase that was stuck on his head (don't ask me how or why), his mom took him to the hospital on a city bus for a medically approved removal. Apparently, hospitals have better hammers. In an attempt to make the boy look more normal to the other passengers, she placed a school cap on top of the vase... but, according to reports, refrained from drawing a smiley face... because it might look 'too fakey.' (OK... I made the 'face' part up.)

True fact: The average cost to treat a bullet wound: $17,000. Life is so unfair... where would a phesant get $17,000?

True statement: Good night.

The true story of how I saved the United States economy... and your 'you-know-what!'

2011-05-21T22:56:00.004-04:00

Well, I'm usually not one to brag... but what the heck... if it's true, it's true.

For almost a year now, the sun visor on our Ford truck (passenger side) was missing it's retaining clip--the tiny, one-inch square, gray plastic thingy that holds the visor in place when it is not shielding my wife's eyes from the sun. So for one year, my wife has suffered, with dignity (most of the time) with the visor hanging loosely from its hinge, bouncing willy-nilly over hill and dale (not to be confused with Disney's Chip and Dale), just 'gutting it out.'

I know... who said life was fair?

Every so often, like a woodpecker's gentle but persistent pecking, she would remind me to "get that (insert affectionate pet name for the object) fixed."

So I planned... and schemed... to do it as a special birthday surprise-- not for her birthday but on the one year date of the clip breaking. I went to my friendly Ford dealer and said, quite debonairly I might add, "Order me one of these things and damn the cost!"

"Yes sir. That will be $15.07, cash in advance.

$15.07! Well, if you love your wife like I love mine, you just gulp and do it. Although I do believe that $15.07 might be just a touch steep for a small piece of plastic. I could get three rolls of duct tape for that and absolutely guarantee the sunscreen would be in place forever... and have plenty left for the next dozen projects. But I love my wife, right?

I picked up the preciously priced piece the very next day and secretly began the installation process. (Lest I mess up, I just don't announce things like that to the world, because... well, you know.)

Take plastic piece, which installs with just one tiny screw, and begin the process. Wait. WAIT! Where is the screw?

Call to dealer: "Where is the screw?"

"Sir, the screw does not come standard with the little plastic piece."

"I beg your pardon. I was standardly screwed!"

Miraculously, I found a screw in my trusty toolbox-- the one that holds the screwdriver that looks like a cute AA battery with one end being a cross-type thing and the other, like a straight line, and a nut-holder that was also my pounder-thing.

Sure, the screw was too big, or small or something... but I forced it and, IT WORKED! Job complete in just a little over 2 hours. World record!

My wife was overjoyed... and secretly, so was I. Happy Birthday, truck!

Now I figure... if one small piece of plastic for an insignificant, non-mechanical part of the vehicle costs $15.07 (without the screw), what would my $26,000 vehicle cost to make, part by part, if I ordered everything from my friendly Ford dealer? My guess... maybe $87,356.29, give or take a few screws.

End of story, right? Well, almost.

Weeks later, letting bygones be bygones, I ordered the fancy lug nut cover for the one missing from a front tire, same vehicle.

"No, problem, sir. These fancy-ish ones only come in sets of 4... and will cost $44.44 (coincidence? I don't think so.)... plus tax. Done! Anyone want to buy three fancy-ish lug nut covers, or should I just throw them, like everything else extra, in the bottom of my tool box forever?

So that is the true story of how I personally helped turn this economy around... and got Ford back on its feet.

I also do other patriotic things to move the economy along. Went to a movie last week and surprised my wife with the Special Senior Saver bushel of popcorn for just $26. And if that sounds high, perhaps you don't realize it comes with free refills. And those big gulp sodas... how do they do it for only $4.95 with free ice--and lots of it, no less?

Viva la economy!

PS: Happy rapture. See you tomorrow... or not.

It's an improv world... and some of us just don't get it.

2011-05-08T20:33:00.001-04:00

I think Tina Fey has come to save us all.

She is the best 'comedian/writer/Jill of all laughter' around... and she has an idea on how to live better, have more fun and reduce that ugly body fat.

In her first (only) book, Bossypants (best cover ever), she has a light-hearted 'take' on something significant. If life is not scripted but an improvisation, how come we keep killing the skit?

In the book, she reveals The Rules of Improvisation That Will Chage Your Life and Reduce Belly Fat. Her experience comes from her time at Chicago's famous improvisational comedy show, Second City, and of course, her job as head writer and performer on Saturday Night Live, and now, 30 Rock.

"The first rule of improvisation" she says, "is AGREE. Always agree and SAY YES. When you're improvising, this means you are required to agree with whatever your partner has created. So if we're improvising and I say, 'Freeze, I have a gun,' and you say, 'That's not a gun. It's your finger. You're pointing your finger at me,' our improvised scene has ground to a halt. But if I say 'Freeze, I have a gun!' and you say, 'The gun I gave you for Christmas! You bastard!' then we have started a scene because we have AGREED that my finger is in fact a Christmas gun... ' The rule of agreement reminds you to respect what your partner has created. Start with a YES and see where that takes you."

"As an improviser, I always find it jarring when I meet someone in real life whose first answer is no. 'No, we can't do that.' 'No, that's not in the budget.' 'No, I will not hold your hand for a dollar.' What kind of way is that to live?"

The second rule "is not only to say yes, but YES, AND. You are supposed to agree and then add something. If you start a scene with 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you say, 'Yeah...' we're kind of at a standstill. But if I say, 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you say, 'What did you expect? We're in hell.' Or if I say, "I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you say, 'Yes, this can't be good for the wax figures...' "

You get the idea?

Next rule: "MAKE STATEMENTS. this is a positive way of saying, 'Don't ask questions all the time.' If we're in a scene and I say, 'Who are we? What are we doing here? What's in that box?' I'm putting pressure on you to come up with all the answers. In other words" Whatever the problem, be part of the solution. Don't just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles."

And lastly, 'THERE ARE NO MISTAKES, only opportunities... beautiful happy accidents."

Just think... if Eve held up a pretend apple and said to Adam, "Try this. The snake gave it to me." And Adam said "Yes, it looks good and I think I would love Granny Smith's, if I knew what they were, but I've heard apples give you goiters." Then Eve, walking on, says, "A goiter must be like an original sin." Then, it's a whole new ball game. You either have a life or a catechism lesson.

All the things I can't live without... but just didn't realize it until now!

2011-04-26T18:36:00.002-04:00

I love air travel... always have. But I am usually so busy reading or looking out the window that I just don't have time to check the contents of the seat pocket in front of me. Last time I did, I realized some airlines don't have barf bags in there anymore. That puts a lot of pressure on a person, you know.

On this last trip, I decided to look again. And there it was... the current issue of SkyMall... my" FREE COPY--TAKE IT. WE'LL REPLACE IT!" Who can resist? It was literally jam-packed with so many wonderfully-imagined products. A person could look through WalMart for a lifetime and never find these hidden gems, reserved, I believe, for the elite... the beautiful people who actually fly through the air, in the special section of the plane referred to as 'coache,' such as 'moi.'

Opening it to a random page (page 10, actually) I saw something for healthier stress relief that would alleviate stress and tension. Relax away migraines and more, without drugs, with our Head Spa Massager.

Its patented Italian design (those Italians think of everything) incorporates Japanese engineering... (from the same people that brought you invincible nuclear power plants) but that's not the best part. It is suitable for any age and you can use it anytime, anywhere! (exclamation point is mine, for excitement.) You'd think this would cost a fortune. Not so. I'm ordering 3 or 4 (Christmas is right around the corner... our local department store already has decorations and pre-holiday sales) for the low price of just $49.95 (plus tax, shipping and handling, of course.)

Might also get the Military ZOOM binoculars so I can see the color of an Eagle's eye... from a mile away! (Spoiler alert: blue.)

There were Leonisa body shapers (va-va-voom!) for every body style. I know they work because the illustrations had green arrows around all the body parts that "shape." Prices range from $34.99 to $79.99. That expensive one shapes from knees to chest so you know it's good.

Yes They have other stuff just as great... A golf bag with detachable cover that instantly converts into a fairway cooler for 'you-know-what'; an analyzing "SwimSense" performance monitor... You might not swim like an Olympian but now you can train like one!; a four-foot aged bronze replica of le Tour Eiffell (Eiffel Tower, to the lesser, non-French); a shelving system that holds up to 2,262 CDs, 936 DVDs, 528 VHS tapes, or 465 Disney tapes--in 76" cherry triple (beautiful simulated wood); something that looks like a microwave for shoes that prevents the spread of bacteria, fungus and bad odor; and of course, much, much more.

Are you an aspiring attorney who lacks only passing the bar to defend an axe murderer? Well, don't sweat it. This "Passing the Bar" game is not only fun but educational. it is The perfect gift for law students and lawyers. Now how simple is that?

This is cute. The Bigfoot, Bashful Yeti Tree Sculpture. Imagine the delightful shriek of surprise when the kids see that! It is either that or The Peeing Boy of Brussels Statue and Fountain... nearly four feet tall! You won't be disappointed, I promise.

Go ahead and sleep in late this weekend, your dog has a yard of his own ... with this neat Porch Potty (premium grade)--which looks like a poor man's indoor putting green-- for only $279.99... or, Potty train your cat faster than most people can potty train their kids, just $49.99.

I also want THE LARGEST WORLD MAP MURAL! They say it is a scaled down version but I don't know. What does '1 inch equals 1 inch' mean? Sound rather 'biggish' to me.

Saving the best for last, have you ever had to fly to an important meeting... or someplace where you had to be at your sharpest when you got off your 6 a.m flight? How can you look sharp with so little sleep? The only answer: nap on the plane. The only solution: The SkyRest Travel Pillow. Think of the respect and awe you will gain from your fellow passengers as they take notice: "Look, I'll bet he's a business tycoon resting so he will be sharp for some important life-or-death meeting when he gets off the plane."

You may think this is funny but I just can't live without 'em. You know the old song: "How do you keep em down on the farm after they've seen Paree?"You say you are too young to know that song? Then just shut-up!

One good tern deserves another... and other ridiculous puns and dribble (literally and figuratively) and, special added attraction: Those Brits!

2011-04-20T15:04:00.002-04:00

...in this case, another world record.

It is confirmed... the arctic tern, weighing just .05 oz, is the longest migrator on earth. This little bugger covers 44,000 miles in a year... and if it were driving a Chevy, in just five years, the car would have 220,000 miles on it. Think of the trade-in value on that. In a lifetime--for a tern, perhaps 34 years--it would fly the equivalent of three round trips to the moon.

Then there is the momma polar bear that swam for nine days across the frigid Beaufort Sea to reach an ice floe 426 miles offshore, according to researchers at the U.S, Geological Survey in Alaska. Obvious conclusion by those in the know... she was probably bear-y bear-y cold. She did lose 22 percent of her body weight... and her cub, who did not survive the journey.

Scientists also have discovered bass in U.S. rivers that are intersexual--that is, exhibiting both male and female sex characteristics. These large mouth and small mouth bass are thought to have been altered by pollutants in the water. Initial evaluation says "while there is cause for concern, there's no cause for panic." But if this is one of nature's precursors, what if humans drinking the water are so affected. Hmmm! More of 'he said--she said' when we are talking to ourselves.

Ever hear of Dan Magness? This guy, 26, just set the Keepy Uppy (that's the official name) record by keeping a soccer ball off the ground without using hands or arms for 250,000 touches! Yeah... and he did it 'on the road' bouncing 36 miles in 14 hours as he toured all five of London's Premier League stadiums. I'm not overly impressed with many world records, but this one is kind of awesome. Just staying awake and on his feet is something. Of his quarter-million touches without one miscue, 25 percent were with his feet, 70 percent are with his head (which may explain something) and 5 percent were with his knees.

Those Brits! Ever read London Review of Books, a pretty heady publication for the high end literary crowd of England? While it can appear a quite stodgy, there are always the classifieds to add a touch of dash. A few recent 'eye openers:'

While you're reading this, I'm taking a photograph of you from outside your window. Later today I'll put it in the scrapbook I'm compiling of our love. The heading will be "Day 1."

Sexually, I'm not like Switzerland at all, even though live there. Monolingual M, Lausanne-based, seeks F for the usual shenanigans.

As a child, my fontanel never joined up properly. So I must insist on wearing a helmet during intercourse. Other than that it's all systems go.

Ulcerative gingivitis prevents me from eating tomato-based products and using tongues when kissing. It doesn't matter--I hate tomatoes!

Female, 34. All own limbs. Seeks man with low priorities.

A while back I wrote a bunch of really angry ads here directed at you after you left me and went back to your idiotic ex-boyfriend. I want you to know that I regret none of them. I'd do it again and I still hate you.

This is how I want to seduce you--using meaningless words in a column of fools before a theatre of idiots. Write immediately and be upon me.

Those literati just slay me.

Noteworthy people you haven't heard of... or, awkwardly gramatic... of whom you haven't heard.

2011-04-13T13:20:00.004-04:00

So what's the big deal about Ray Townsend who died recently at 97? Ray did something hardly any one of us do... he invented the first practical mechanical hog-skinner! And that means...?

Well, it means hot dogs only cost a buck or so. His Frank-a-Matic, introduced in 1962, revolutionized the way skinless hot dogs were made. Left-over meat parts are ground and stuffed into temporary casings (the small intestines of sheep--really) to hold them together as they are cooked... then, Townsend's machine would remove the casing from the dog... so fast it would make your stomach swim--30,000 per hour! See? That's how hot dogs became, not only every-man's meat byproduct but 'production-line-manufactured' cheap.

Townsend was a busy guy. He also developed some flight instruments for the Learjet, adjustable weights to the golf putter so golfers have something more to tinker with and a fish skinner that would clean the fish, remove the head and fins, and tidily skin what's left. He did exercise machines and treadmills too... in all, 127 different inventions. But the Frank-a-Matic remained his favorite. Or, as my mother-in-law would seriously say, "Who doesn't like weenies." Really, she said that.

Then there is Gil Meche. Gil had a five-year, $55 million contract to play for the Kansas City Royals. As sports salaries go, he deserved it. He had a good arm, a good head and the prospect of becoming a pretty good pitcher. But--and isn't there always a BUT--he hurt his pitching shoulder.

He had every right to sit out the year and take home his guaranteed $12 million salary. Injuries are one of the risks that every major league ball club must take to sign the talent. Meche, however, lives by another credo. "I was making a crazy amount of money for not even pitching. Honestly, I didn't feel like I deserved it." He would rather spend the time at home with his wife and kids. How archaic is that?

For every sports fan who has lived and died by the success of the 'star' on their favorite team... for every sports fan who has watched or been forced to root for a multi-million-dollar crybaby... or someone who gets in trouble with the law... or is involved in a scandal of one kind or another...or someone who insults fans, is on steroids and/or is a total jerk... or any combination of these and more... and still pulls down the big bucks without delivering or even showing gratitude to the fans or the people who pay his salary, I have one word for Meche:WOW! What a powerful reminder of happy endings. Thanks, Gil, for showing some old fashioned humility, moral balance and class. Nice to know there are those of you out there.

Two more class acts: Cubs Hall of Famer Ryne Sandberg gave up $16 million when he retired in 1994, when 16 million was like... a billion today, saying he could no longer perform at peak level. He later returned to play two more (sub-peak) seasons.

Pat Tillman also turned down a $3.6 million offer to play pro football for the Arizona Cardinals after 9/11 and joined the Army to fight for his country instead. He was killed by friendly fire in Afghanistan.

Then there is Jack LeLanne, exercise guru and fitness fanatic, who recently died at 96. When asked once if he ever thought about dying, he said, "No. Dying would be bad for my image."

LaLanne was an impressive pioneer of the physical health boom we enjoy today. He started the ball rolling on a national basis, comparing himself to Billy Graham by saying that diet and exercise were America's salvation. And he is probably more right than some think. Too bad more people don't listen. But then, like Billy Graham would likely admit, there is still work to be done.

Never a wallflower, LaLanne was more than happy to show the world what exercise and diet could do. His feats were impressive:

1954 Age 40: Swam the length of the San Francisco Golden Gate Bridge underwater with 140 pounds of equipment, including two air tanks… an undisputed world record.

1955 Age 41: Swam, handcuffed, from Alcatraz to Fisherman’s Wharf in
San Francisco, CA.

1956 Age 42: Set a world record of 1,033 push-ups in 23 minutes on You Asked for It, an early TV Show.

1957 Age 43: Swam the treacherous Golden Gate Channel, towing a 2,500-pound cabin cruiser. This involved fighting the cold, swift ocean currents that made the 1 mile swim a 6 ½ mile test of strength and endurance.

1958 Age 44: Maneuvered a paddleboard 30 miles, 9-½ hours non-stop from Farallon Islands to the San Francisco shore.

1959 Age 45: Completed 1,000 pushups and 1,000 chin-ups in 1 hour and 22
minutes.

1974 Age 60: Swam from Alcatraz Island to Fisherman’s Wharf, for a second time handcuffed, shackled and towing a 1,000-pound boat.

1975 Age 61: Swam the length of the Golden Gate Bridge, underwater, handcuffed, shackled and towing a 1,000-pound boat.

1976 Age 62: Commemorating the “Spirit of ‘76”, swam 1 mile in Long Beach Harbor, handcuffed, shackled and towing 13 boats (representing the 13 original colonies) containing 76 people.

1979 Age 65: Towed 65 boats filled with 6,500-pounds of Louisiana-Pacific wood pulp while handcuffed and shackled, in Lake Ashinoko, near Tokyo.

1980 Age 66: Towed 10 boats in North Miami, Florida filled with 77 people for over a mile... in less than 1 hour.

This man just loved to tow boats!

For 80-plus years, he exercised every day of his life and ate only fish and vegetables. What a guy!

Can't forget Milton Levine, the inventor of the Ant Farm, who died in January at 97. While on a picnic in 1956, he watched a mound of ants at work and thought they were so interesting that they belonged in an aunt aquarium for everyone to be amazed.. everyone except the ants, I guess. "I found out their most amazing feat yet," he confessed, "... they put three kids through college."

Dorothy Young disappeared for the last time this year, at age 103. She was magician Harry Houdini's longtime assistant who took his secrets to her grave.

Last but not least, Eunice G. Sanborn of Jacksonville, Texas died. She was born in 1896 and lived to become the oldest person in the United States at 114. What this means, I say excitedly, is that we have all moved up a notch. Fingers crossed!

"Lions and tigers and bears! Oh my!"

2011-04-03T19:55:00.000-04:00

... A direct quote from Mrs Noah as she watched the animals, two-by-two, board the ark... NOT!

Actually, Dorothy (Judy Garland) said it in The Wizard of Oz when all she had to contend with was a tornado, the Wizard, the wicked witch of the West, a bunch of Munchkins and her friends, a cowardly lion, a scarecrow without a brain and a tin man without a heart. Sounds like my old bowling team.

Anyhow, the subject today is animals... human and the other kind. And if you want to see how it all began, (evolutionists, you can skip this part) take a look at Robert Crumb's illustrated Book of Genesis. It is truly cool.

Crumb, known for his comic book style and some rather "unusual" drawings and underground comic characterizations, stuck right to the book (that is, The Bible) for this one. Actually, his depiction is from the King James Bible and a 2004 translation called The Five Books of Moses... so Catholics, sit this one out unless you go immediately to confession. As an added bonus, you will finally get to see what God, Adam and Eve and that damn snake look like.

Other big news on the animal front... as told by Associated Press writer Jennifer Quinn who reported it so 'Milnesque:'

When we left them, Christopher Robin was going away, and Things were going to be Different.

Now, more that eight decades later, a rumor is sweeping the Hundred Acre Wood. According to Owl, who heard it from Rabbit, who heard it from Piglet, the adventures are about to resume. It falls to the bear to pass on the news to Eeyore.

"It's Christopher Robin," said Winnie-the-Pooh. "He's coming back. "

And so it is... after 84 years, the first authorized sequel to A.A. Milne's classic tales, Return to the Hundred Acre Wood, is now on sale. Just that thought brings back rich memories of those bed time stories read when my kids were as young as theirs are now.

Alan Alexander Milne, 1882-1956, was an English novelist and playwrite who gained legendary status as the author of the Winnie-the-Poo series of children's tales and poems. As beloved as his characters in the series were to the children, the stories weren't written for his son... or children at all. They were intended, he said, for the child within us, as simple lessons of life.

And, looking as some of Pooh's quotes, what lessons they are:

When late morning rolls around and you're feeling a bit out of sorts, don't worry; you're probably just a little eleven o'clockish.

When looking at your two paws, as soon as you have decided which of them is the right one, then you can be sure the other one is the left.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Those who are clever, who have a Brain, never understand anything.

Owl hasn't exactly got Brain, but he Knows Things.

If you want to make a song more hummy, add a few tiddely poms.

The more it snows (Tiddely pom),
The more it goes (Tiddely pom),
The more it goes (Tiddely pom),
On snowing. And nobody knows (Tiddely pom),
How cold my toes (Tiddely pom),
How cold my toes (Tiddely pom),
Are growing.

Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering.

Just because an animal is large, it doesn't mean he doesn't want kindness; however big Tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo.

If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.

My spelling is Wobbly. It's good spelling but it Wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places.

It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.

Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I used to believe in forever
But forever's too good to be true.

I've missed you, Pooh Bear... in more ways than you know.

He said... she said

2011-03-25T15:56:00.000-04:00

I like a good quote. Nothing too serious, mind you. Quotes are to be enjoyed, not taken as word from on high... unless they come from You Know Who.

Quotes like: "There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting." George Carlin

Or: "When you are in love with someone, you want to be near him all the time, except when you are out buying things and charging them to him" Miss Piggy

Try these on for size:

"'Dr. Livingstone I Presume.' Full name of Dr. Presume." unknown
"In 1932, lame duck President Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two med decided to stay together for the sake of the children." Johnny Carson
"Death is nature's way of saying 'Howdy.'" Unknown
"The chicken probably came before the egg because it is hard to imagine God wanting to sit on an egg." Unknown
"In England there are sixty different religions and only one sauce." Francesco Carocciolo (1752-1799)
"Never try to walk across a river just because it has an average depth of four feet." Martin Friedman

You could quote poetry:

"Roses are reddish
Violets are bluish
If it weren't for Christmas
We'd all be Jewish.
Benny Hill (1925-1992)

Or common knowledge:

"There are three reasons why lawyers are replacing rats as laboratory research animals. One is that they're plentiful, another is that lab assistants don't get attached to them, and the third is that there are some things rats just won't do." Unknown

It could be contemporary:

"The old neighborhood has changed. Hurley Brothers Funeral Home is now called Death 'n' Things. Elmore Leonard

Or about our quest for the perfect body:

"I asked the clothing store clerk if she had anything to make me look thinner, and she said, 'How about a week in Bangladesh?'" Rosanne Barr

Could even be a high school cheer (unofficially):

We don't drink!
We don't smoke!
Norfolk!
Unknown... but ask the students

Or it could be funny:

"Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing was happening, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'" Rodney Dangerfield, of course

But you can only go for quotes in small doses. Too many overwhelm the sense of irony... and there is nothing I hate worse than ironing. I picked up a copy of Robert Byrne's book, The 2,548 Things Anybody Ever Said and realized how fast you can get full. But if you take your time and read just a few pages every so often, you would be amazed at how long it takes to get through 2,548 things.

All in all, I learned there are a lot of quotes by this guy, Unknown and his brother, Anonymous. I also learned the impossible:

"Fix this sentence: He put the horse before the cart." Steven Price

But what better than these important lessons from Jack Handy to finish this off:

"Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up."

"For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness."

"If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted."

"Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank"and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind."

"The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw."

Last one, I promise: "The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me."

Me too.

Things that amaze me most: Part IX

2011-03-21T21:37:00.000-04:00

As I told you before, there are a number of things/events/emotions that absolutely blow-my-mind because they are so introspectively amazing and give me a deeper sense of awe. So I made a list of the things that amaze me most... some big, some small, some acts, some things... but all, in my mind, amazing. So far:

Part I:    THE PACIFIC OCEAN
Part II:   BIG NUMBERS
Part III: THE YOUNG: Babies, toddlers and teens
Part IV: LAUGHTER: A peek into the soul
Part V:   NATURE: Her splendor and fury
PART VI: THE POWER OF 1
PART VII: THE NATURAL LAWS OF PHYSICS
PART VIII: US HUMANS

PART IX: THE HEAVENS

You know how nuts I am about space, the sun and the entire universe. Well, thanks to the incredible Hubble telescope, now in its 20th year in orbit, we can see some amazing, incredible things... like this mountain of dust and gas rising in the Carina Nebula. The top of a three-light-year tall pillar of cool hydrogen is being worn away by the radiation of nearby stars, while stars within the pillar unleash jets of gas that stream from the peaks.

Our Milky Way galaxy is 100,000 light years wide... and as we look into tonight's sky, we are actually looking in the past--millions of years into the past. As Marilyn vos Savant, The super-smart (I.Q. 185 +/-) Parade Magazine columnist tells us, "Say a certain star will live for 5 million years, but it's so far away that its light takes 10 million years to reach us. By the time we can see it for the first time, it has already been gone for 5 million years."

Light echos from red supergiant star v838 monocerotis

Using new technology, scientists scanning a small portion of the sky have just discovered 54 planets in orbit around other suns that are located, like earth, in a "Goldilocks zone"--temperatures not too hot and not too cold-- but just right to hold water and life... like our own. They estimate that a broader scan of our Milky Way galaxy alone might find 400,000 more... enough like us to think E.T. would need a galactic phone book to get the right number and area code to phone home.

In a New York Times interview of Brian Greene, a Colombia University physicist, the question was asked: In your forthcoming book, The Hidden Reality, you ponder the possibility of a 'multiuniverse' composed of many universes. But what kind of worlds are we talking about? Clumps of subatomic particles in space? Or universes with restaurants and museums?

His astounding answer: Some might have museums and restaurants. Some might have copies of you and me having a conversation similar to this one. Yet other universes would be vastly different. They might involve a gigantic expanseive space that might be filled with other forms of matter governed by other kinds of physical laws. In one such universe, when the apple is released by a tree, it might go up instead of down.

Yep. Wild stuff for wild imaginations filled with big, big numbers and almost unfathomable images. Check 'em out at the Hubble site, highlighted above. Gosh, who would have thought that Flash Gordon, Commander Kirk, Han Solo and Luke Skywalker would prove to be intergalactic pikers when it comes to real life?

Things that amaze me most: Part VIII

2011-03-12T19:14:00.002-05:00

Big, small, short, tall-- from a single cell embryo to Troy Jackson... who just died at 38. Troy was a basketball player... a 'classic' big man who could handle the ball--and look at how he could handle it. He was 6'10" tall and weighed as much as 500 lbs... or Shaq O'Neil who wears a size 23 shoe.

Or... the World's Tallest man - Bao Xishun (7ft 7") or... the World's smallest adult, He Pingping (2ft 4"). How the heck did that all happen?

Funny thing is, we all started (with few exceptions-- in vitro fertilization, donor sperm or egg, Mary, mother of God, etc.) the same way. And if you don't know what that way is, then you'd better finally have that talk with mom and dad.

In any case, this is what the initial courtship looks like... and yes, it is worth a few seconds to watch it.

Aww...The new baby. He/she has mom's eyes... and grandpa's sloping forehead, and cousin Ernie's long, tapered, pool-playing fingers... er, no fingers yet... but just you wait.

It is absolutely mind-blowing INCREDIBLE! From a single cell to... you and me, with all of our complexities, foibles and personalities. And the reason Baby Blue... or Pink, will look like us is that he/she has our genetic imprint... the heredity coding that says if your second toe is longer than your big toe, so will your baby's be... and if that big nose comes from grandpa's side of the family, baby's will look Italian too. The hair, the intelligence, the health, both good and bad, will all come from mom and dad and beyond.

As if that isn't enough, just imagine what we have learned to help us through life... all the technical, medical, psychological and social advances (and detractions) that build from generation to generation. Heck, our great-grandparents could have easily died in childbirth, or from appendicitis, or a bad tooth-ache, as many did! We even watched television in black and white, for God's sake. And we have, for better or worse, adapted to it all.

Whether we are born here of there, of this race or that, big or small, male or female, we have a commonality to our heirs and one another:

If you are an Adam and Eve fan, then hello brother, hello sister.
If you go more for evolution, then shake hands with me, you big ape.
If you feel there is a place for both, I'm your man, just like him, her, it.

OK... are you ready for the moral of this story? We are all linked and dependent on one another... we just all haven't come to the point of accepting that as a human race. We still hate, show envy and prejudice. We still ignore the human rights and needs of others. We still kill and mistreat. The Golden Rule has nothing on us.

We can do better. We have to, because every moment of every day, there are more of us than ever before--5 times more people now than in 1900-- and we are all living in the same house as we always have... the one we call earth.

One last thought about that "house:" A mom tells of the conversation she had with her daughter... and the simple wisdom of a child that we often forget as we age.

Today, in the cutest voice, my 8-year-old daughter asked me to start recycling. I chuckled and asked, “Why?”

She replied, “So you can help me save the planet.”

I chuckled again and asked, “And why do you want to save the planet?”

“Because that’s where I keep all my stuff.”

(Thanks to Marc and Angel Hack Life website.)

WWJD... revisited

2011-03-08T13:11:00.003-05:00

You remember the story... bad storm at sea... giant waves violently rocking the boat... fishermen scared for their lives... THEN, ACROSS THE SUDDENLY CALMING WATERS, JESUS WALKS TOWARD THEM.

Well, that was then... before the days of the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. So tell me what went wrong when police found Jesus... swimming, not walking on water, far off shore in those Gulf waters?

"What's wrong, Jesus? Cat got your feet?"

OK, so that is borderline sacrilegious, but maybe it was the wrong Jesus. In fact, it was. Jesus Mares was the guy, not the Jesus H. Christ I pray to. And yes, the OAO does have a sense of humor... after all, he created us, right?

Elsewhere in the world of incredible happenings, two Japanese nerds recently set a record calculating pi to the five-trillionth digit. And... (yawn)... yes, it IS A NEW WORLD'S RECORD! Hmm, I wonder if they still make those plastic pocket protectors?

To get back to the real problems in the world, we need look no further than Ft. Wayne, Indiana--about 125 miles east of the heart of the Midwest. There, city fathers had to decide if they would name Ft. Wayne's newly built government center after a former beloved mayor, which was the vote of the people. In the end, they opted NOT to follow their constituents' wishes to call it "The Harry Baals Building." And that's how "Government Building One" got its name.

Reminds me of a similar vote by the people of Peoria to nickname its new franchise hockey team, "The Prancers." Lasted for one season... the nickname, I mean. Too much laughing by the opponents.

If automobile stories are your thing, then you might find this interesting: One of the first motor cars ever imported to China as a gift to the Empress Cixi (pronounced Cixi), was a new, handmade 1901 Duryea. As the car was being shown, the driver, a little giddy from rice wine, lost control, ran over and killed a palace eunuch. Today, there are 10,000 new cars on the road every day in Beijing alone, as China rushes to be number one in traffic jams... and DUIs too.

Oh, and China also grows nearly half of the world's tobacco (take that North and South Carolina) which makes sense when you realize one out of four Chinese smoke. Sometimes, being number 1 isn't as good as it sounds.

A Mercedes driver in Switzerland was stopped for speeding... he was clocked at 105 mph over the 75 mph limit! The Swiss determine fines based on the driver's personal ability to pay. He was rich. Fine: $1 million!

Last amazing thing: Utah's Dugway Proving Ground Army facility was locked down for 14 hours recently... because one-fourth of a teaspoon of a nerve gas agent was unaccounted for. The nerve agent, VX, was finally found in a mis-labeled container. Now, can you imagine... 1/4 teaspoon...

What exactly is VX and how bad is it? I was curious so I "googled" it.

From the government website, The Center for Disease and Prevention, a few "highlights:"
VX is a human-made chemical warfare agent classified as a nerve agent. Nerve agents are the most toxic and rapidly acting of the known chemical warfare agents. They are similar to pesticides (insect killers) called organophosphates in terms of how they work and what kinds of harmful effects they cause. However, nerve agents are much more potent.

VX was originally developed in the United Kingdom in the early 1950s. It is odorless and tasteless,
an oily liquid that is amber in color and very slow to evaporate. It evaporates about as slowly as motor oil. VX is not found naturally in the environment.

Following release of VX into the air, people can be exposed through skin contact, eye contact, or inhalation (breathing in the VX mist). Though it does not mix with water as easily as other nerve agents do, it could be released into water. Following release of VX into water, people can be exposed by drinking contaminated water or getting contaminated water on their skin. People can be exposed by eating the contaminated food.

Symptoms will appear within a few seconds after exposure to the vapor form of VX, and within a few minutes to up to 18 hours after exposure to the liquid form. It is the most potent of all nerve agents. Compared with the nerve agent sarin (also known as GB), VX is considered to be much more toxic by entry through the skin and somewhat more toxic by inhalation. It is possible that any visible VX liquid contact on the skin, unless washed off immediately, would be lethal.

All the nerve agents cause their toxic effects by preventing the proper operation of the chemical that acts as the body’s “off switch” for glands and muscles. Without an “off switch,” the glands and muscles are constantly being stimulated. They may tire and no longer be able to sustain breathing function.

Immediate signs and symptoms of VX exposure...
well, death is one, for sure (My comment).

Socrates, I'm sure would agree, mankind has certainly come a long way from hemlock.

Just want to end on an up-note:

Attempt 1: Socrates walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, "Did you go to Harvard?" He answers, "Yale." The bartender responds, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"

Attempt 2: Socrates walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, you can get this guy off my butt!"

Attempt 3: Socrates walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Okay, I'll serve you a beer, just don't get any ideas."

Three strikes and I'm out of here!

Things that amaze me most: Part VII

2011-02-28T22:17:00.003-05:00

As I told you before, there are a number of things/events/emotions that absolutely blow-my-mind because they are so introspectively amazing and give me a deeper sense of awe. So I made a list of the things that amaze me most... some big, some small, some acts, some things... but all, in my mind, amazing. So far:

Part I:    THE PACIFIC OCEAN
Part II:   BIG NUMBERS
Part III: THE YOUNG: Babies, toddlers and teens
Part IV: LAUGHTER: A peek into the soul
Part V:   NATURE: Her splendor and fury
PART VI: THE POWER OF 1

PART VII: THE NATURAL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Take something simple... like gravity, for example.

In the early days of television, in black an white no less, there was a weirdly funny comedian, Ernie Kovacs (married to Edie Adams), who had an early-early SNL-type precurser show. He was an incredibly funny man, with an acerbic wit, perhaps 50 years before his time. A popular, regular feature on his show was called "The Answer Man."

Once, when asked why people in Australia never fall off the earth since they are always upside down, he answered: "My good man... people in Australia are falling off all the time."

Which begs the question...what would happen if Isaac Newton never
"discovered" gravity? Would that apple actually fall down on his head?

You know, many scientist allow that there are such things as parallel universes where laws of nature are reversed... so watch out! If that apple ever falls up, you are already there but just haven't realized it yet.

Gravity... it's the law.

In 1988, the Russians built and flew the world's largest aircraft, The six-engine ANTIBIV /AN-225. If taxied onto a football field, it would reach almost goal line to goal line, with a wingspan that was even wider. It stood as tall as a six story building and had a gross take-off weight of 1,410,000 pounds--705 tons! That's like 20 fully loaded semi-trailer trucks... or a good handful of railroad cars with a locomotive. The massive plane needed jet assists to take off... and the Russians canned it after claiming bragging rights at the Paris Air Show of 1989.

So how big can an aircraft be and still fly? Actually, that isn't the question. An aircraft of any size is technically able to leave the ground under it's own power--subject only to the technology to manufacture it and the runway to handle it. The law of physics that allows the lightest plane to fly works on any scale.

How big can a ship be and still float? Under construction now is an enormous tanker--one of 10 to be built--that will be one-quarter mile long--can you imagine, four ships to a mile? It will be wider than five full-size buses parked end-to-end... and 24 stories tall! It will be able to carry 18,000 20-foot long containers at a time! That's like a train with 18,000 cars. Imagine waiting on that at a railroad crossing.

And yes, it will float like any row boat because it will conform to those same laws of physics that define why anything floats. Following 'the rules,' a ship--of ANY size, even if made of cement, can float as easily as a tiny model made of balsa wood.

It floats because it has to... That's the law.

Ever hear of maglev trains? (Maglev stands for magnetic levitation.) In service in France, England and China, these trains, and the people in them, literally 'float' above the rails? These incredible machines ride on thin air as they are suspended between the force of magnets repelling against each other. Weight is not an issue. Anti-magnetic resistance is invincible!

Since the maglev floats virtually friction free above the track, it can move very quickly because it doesn't have to overcome drag. The Shanghai Transrapid maglev hit a record 360 mph on one straight stretch!

And yes, it does need a special rails... seemingly ruling out service in the U.S which has a hard enough time even maintaining the track across the roads I travel.

How does it do that? I don't know but it's the law.

Sure... magicians can fool us... and they do. Sleight of hand and tricks that make the seemingly impossible possible are cool. I always ask: "How do they do that?"

But in the real world, it's not a question... it's an exclamation: "WOW!" God, and the natural way of things, does a super job at the "WOW" stuff. Magicians just help us appreciate what real-life "gee-whiz" suckers we are.

My favorite real thing for a simple mind... and it's not a trick: The hanging belt. Take 34 seconds to see it here.

Gravity and energy and bridges, oh my!
Atoms and E=MC2 and scrapers to the sky.
Tides and magnets, the big and small...
How we use them to live with and work with and all!
How does it do that? I don't know...
but it has to... it's the law!

I love this stuff!

Editor's note: OK...

2011-02-25T15:03:00.000-05:00

... so I haven't blogged in two weeks. Hey! I've been busy. But that's even too long for me to feel good about... so while I'm working on the next post, I got a kick out of this one, which I wrote and posted about a year-and-a-half ago. Enjoy.

Laugh and the world laughs with you...

... or thinks you are some kind of a weirdo. In any case, these actual 1998 newspaper headlines are worth passing along. Why 1998, you might ask? Because that's all I could find. They are, however, timeless:

Include your children when baking cookies
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Drunks get nine months in violin case
Iraqi head seeks arms
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus? (personal favorite)
Would-be women priests appeal to pope
Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over
Teacher strikes idle kids
Clinton wins budget; more lies ahead
Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
Miners refuse to work after death
Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
Stolen painting found by tree
Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout line
War dims hope for peace
If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
Couple slain; police suspect homicide
Man struck by lightning faces battery charge
New study of obesity looks for large test group
Astronaut takes blame for gas in space
Kids make nutritious snacks
Local high school dropouts cut in half
Typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead

Almost everyone who blogs loves to write. Thus, a pretty cute writer's joke:

A screenwriter comes home to his burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. "My God. What happened, honey?" he asks.

"Oh Jerry, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking. The phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove was on fire. The house went up in a second. Everything is gone! I nearly didn't make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is..."

"Wait. Wait!" the man says. "Back up a minute. My agent called?"

Valentine's Day Special: That's Amore... or is it?

2011-02-09T15:15:00.001-05:00

So you think Dean Martin's song is all that can be said about amore? Well wrong, wrong, wrong.

Actually, the song was Dean Martin's signature song dating back to 1952. Wikipedia explains Amore (pronounced somewhat as AA-MAW-REH) means "love" in Italian, giving a general translation in English "that's love" (as if we didn't know). It first appeared in the soundtrack of the Martin and Lewis comedy film The Caddy, released by Paramount Pictures on August 10, 1953.

It received a nomination for the Academy Award for Best Original Song of that year, but it lost to "Secret Love" from Calamity Jane starring Doris Day. (Secret: growing up years and years ago, Doris Day was my first screen love.)

But it goes much, much deeper than that as American poet Ogden Nash so adroitly pointed out. Born in 1902, Nash was most known for his light verses... the ones that made people laugh and groan. He died in 1971 but lives on in verse familair to many even now.

He wrote cute, fun to read stuff like:

Ode to a Baby:
A bit of talcum
Is always walcum

The Firefly
The firefly's flame Is something for which science has no name
I can think of nothing eerier
Than flying around with an unidentified glow on a
person's posteerier.

The Catsup Bottle
First a little
Then a lottle

The Ostrich
The ostrich roams the great Sahara.
Its mouth is wide, its neck is narra.
It has such long and lofty legs,
I'm glad it sits to lay its eggs.

Reflections on Ice-Breaking
Candy
Is Dandy
But liquor
Is quicker.

The Cow
The cow is of the bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other, milk.

The Lama
The one-l lama,
He's a priest.
The two-l llama,
He's a beast.
And I will bet
A silk pajama
There isn't any
Three-l lllama.

OK... so what has that got to do with Dean Martin's song, That's Amore? Well, Martin, who I really never enjoyed... but he did have the smoothest voice ever, stopped at love. Ogden Nash knew there was more to be written... so he did:

Amore
by Ogden Nash

When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie
That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four
That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife
becomes stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight
Used his sword in a fight
That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze
In a damp marshy place,
That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine
And you tied up her line
That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests
Like you did all the rest
That's some more "A"s!

When on Mt. Cook you see
An aborigine,
That's a Maori.

A comedian-ham
With the name Amsterdam
That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham
Is so full and so crammed
That smore.

When you've had quite enough
Of this dumb rhyming stuff
That's "No more!", eh?

I like Ogden Nash, no more can I say.

PS: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Gone missing! Is this one of those British things?

2011-02-05T12:45:00.000-05:00

Not too long ago, when a person or thing was not where it should be or couldn't be found, he/she/it was missing. He/she/it didn't just 'git up and go a-missin' (my new and more colorful way of saying missing)... he/she/it was just -- missing. I read where someone's jewelry 'went missing.' Sounds like the jewelry was complicit in the act. Even the definitive New York Times does it as do all of the network news anchors.

It is British, of course. Those Brits got even with us for that Revolutionary War thing. They tricked us into using their language.

Next thing you know, it won't even be proper to say, "'So he goes, 'Hello.' Then I go, 'Hi yourself, stranger.' " Hmmm. There goes all the killer pick-up lines.

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

Now don't get the idea that it matters not... er, doesn't matter. Speaking English is a genuine health hazard.

Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

LOGICAL CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

How to balance the budget and save the world

2011-02-02T13:23:00.002-05:00

It's so simple, really. Remember the 1993 movie Dave starring Kevin Klein and Sigourney Weaver? Klein played the role of both President Bill Mitchell and his exact look-alike, Dave Kovic.

Synopsis (thanks to IMDb): Bill Mitchell is the philandering and distant President of the United States. Dave Kovic is a sweet-natured and caring Temp Agency operator, who by a staggering coincidence looks exactly like the President. As such, when Mitchell wants to escape an official luncheon, the Secret Service hires Dave to stand in for him. Unfortunately, Mitchell suffers a severe stroke while having sex with one of his aides, and Dave finds himself stuck in the role indefinitely. The corrupt and manipulative Chief of Staff, Bob Alexander, plans to use Dave to elevate himself to the White House - but unfortunately, he doesn't count on Dave enjoying himself in office, using his luck to make the country a better place, and falling in love with the beautiful First Lady...

I thought the real fun part was when 'Dave,' who had stepped into the role of the conniving president, unbeknown even to the first lady (who couldn't tell them apart), asked his friend, accountant Murray Blum to come to the White House late one evening. Blum, played really well by Charles Grodin, showed Dave how he could easily and simply shave money from the federal budget so the First Lady's pet project, a day-care center for disadvantaged kids, could continue. (If you are not with me, then you haven't seen the movie... which is really, a must-see.)

Anyhow, it was a piece of cake for Dave to 'find' millions of dollars (remember, this is 1993 when a million dollars went further) allocated to pork projects that he diverted, thus saving the day... and winning the surprising admiration of the First Lady by this uncharacteristic benevolence.

Well, that is one way... but then since when has congress ever 'saved' a dollar, let alone a million... or billion or trillion? (Hey U.S. Government... my hardware store is selling wrenches and toilet seats for the space program for half-off... only $8,700 each.) But here's another.

As I was reading the morning news, I saw that in the United States, 10 people a day loose a finger to a table saw. Gross! That comes to 3,650 1/4 fingers per year, not allowing for double-digit loss. (Get it? Double-digit loss... ) Anyhow, the Consumer Public Safety Commission estimates these losses cost our economy $2 billion annually in lawsuits alone. (Read my story on this.)

Now that is $2 billion dollars... or about $550,000 per finger. Remember that number.

Another story told about the time and fuel wasted as we sit idle in our cars in traffic tie-ups on expressways. It averages, in the big cities, 70 hours per year per driver... at an estimated cost in fuel, lost productivity and time of $115 billion dollars.

In the same paper, the feature story was on our increasing use of social media... Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, etc. and the enormous amount of data that is thrown our way to digest... much of it when we are at work. The loss of time and production was estimated at a staggering $650 billion dollars and increasing daily!

Are you with me here? If we can all agree to stop cutting off our fingers on table saws, keep the peddle to the metal instead of sitting willy-nilly in traffic and use all forms of social media between 9-pm and 7-am instead of when we are working, we save $767 BILLION DOLLARS annually! Can't we do without sleep to save our country?

My God... that is pretty close to a trillion dollars--give or take some loose change, which can probably be found in the cushions of the couches of America-- in savings! Maybe we can build that day care center for underprivileged children after all... just like in the movie.

The people in Toronto are so weird...

2011-01-28T11:56:00.002-05:00

... Police there report that 10 percent of the city's 9-1-1 calls are "butt-dialed." Emergency vehicles respond to 300 "butt-dialed" calls per day (yes, per day!) to people who accidentally sit on their phones.

Shuuure they do.

The real story, I suspect, is that Canadian winters are so severe, fat tends to build-up on the body in undesired places when confined in front of the fireplace most days just to keep warm. And Canadians, when a real emergencies arise, don't trust shaky, frozen fingers to do their walking for them... they use their most dependable method to call 9-1-1. "

Plop on the phone honey, and just stay calm... help is on the way!

Better start practicing "the plop," Boston... after this winter, you're next!

And that's not all that's weird. In the world of infidelity:

Pakistan does it a little different. A man was beaten in public by two of his three wives. The reason: they were certain he had a secret fourth wife... and was planning to marry a fifth. In many parts of the world, it's one wife at a time... except in Utah.

A Texas woman is suing her boss, a TV evangelist. The woman, thinking that she was working in a Christian environment, was crestfallen when her special reverend boss confessed he was cheating on his wife. The woman's suit claims that affair is causing her "severe mental anguish." Think of how 'the little woman' must feel.

Now, if that didn't fill you up, A little more humor to brighten these cold winter days:

According to Conan, "Egypt is now in its second day of angry street protests, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Yeah. Because nothing calms an enraged Arab country like a powerful woman ordering it around."

The wise Jimmy Kimmel noted "It took the president an hour to sum up the state of the whole union, and American Idol needs two hours to find the next Danny Gokey? I don't think so."

It was reported North Korean glorious leader, Kim Jong Il, tried golf for the first time recently. Though 69-years-old and reportedly quite ill, he seemed to take to the game. Playing at Pyongyang's par-72 golf club, he shot a 38, aided somewhat by his 11 holes-in-one. And yes, you skeptical ones, he had witnesses. All 17 of his body guards attested to being enthralled as they watched the greatest round of golf EVER! That son-of-gun! doesn't he realize that all he has to do to win the hearts of the American people is come over here and win 20-25 PGA events (including all four majors) in a row. He would have us all in the palm of his hand. If we can forgive Tiger, everyone else is just a 'chip shot.' As we say in America after every one of Tiger's shots: "IT'S IN THE HOLE!"

Artificial Intelligence (AI)... why didn't I think of that?

2011-01-18T15:47:00.000-05:00

As if we haven't got enough ourselves, we have been trying to come up with artificial intelligence for years. Dr. Frankenstein thought he had something going with his monster. Hmm. Maybe he just got the wrong brain to transplant. (Abe-normal, for all you Young Frankenstein fans.)

Then there was Robby of the 1968 TV series (and later movie), Lost in Space. Robby was a Class M-3 Model B9, General Utility Non-Theorizing Environmental Control Robot, with superhuman strength and futuristic weaponry. Robby laughed, could be sad and was able to mock his humans (as if that is so hard). His favorite line: "Danger! Danger Will Robinson." He sang and playing guitar too... and he did a great Elvis impersonation, thankyouverrrymuch!

Can't forget HAL 9000 in 2001: A Space Odyssey by Stanley Kubrick. HAL was capable of speech recognition, natural language understanding, lip reading and could beat humans at chess. HAL also killed its astronaut crew before (figuratively) his plug is pulled. So much for that try.

Of course, these are just a few of the fictional AI bots.

Both Robby and HAL are in the Robot Hall of Fame (yes, there really is one). Other honorees include LEGO® MINDSTORMS®, Lt. Cmdr. Data, AIBO, David, SCARA, Maria, ASTRO BOY, Shakey, C-3PO (of course), Gort, Mars Pathfinder Sojourner Rover, R2-D2 and Unimate. No WALL-e yet. He must have been caught betting on robot games.

Ever notice that many smart robot names are all caps? "Maybe that, JERRY," I say to myself, "is a sign of super intelligence.

Then there are the real attempts... IBM's Deep Blue, programed to defeat Chess Grandmaster Gary Kasparov in 1997. Deep Blue got its "smarts" by crunching millions of mathematical possibilities to determine the best possible move. It worked. But that is all Deep Blue could do... play chess. So maybe that makes it the absolute "idiot savant"--a term which has been rephrased autistic savant-- because it was dumb as a box of burnt-out tubes about absolutely anything else. "

Who is buried in Grant's Tomb?"

"Pawn to knight3."

See.

And today, there is a new, more interesting contender... Watson, another IBM machine named for the company's founder, Thomas J. Watson. Watson's advantage is that he doesn't have to know the answers... all he has to know are the questions.

Watson is going to be on Jeopardy the week of Feb. 14. When Alec Trebek introduces the contestants, it will be Ken Jennings (who won more Jeopardy games than anyone else) and Brad Rutter (who won more money on the show than anyone else) against the big blue box. Winner gets $1 million which, if it is Watson, would make him the Bill Gates of 'Bot World.'

Watson is ready. The big guy is a room-sized system powered by 90 servers and 360 computer chips... with 15 terabytes of random-access memory! That is 15,000 gigabytes, or 14,996 more than I have on my MacBook Pro. Watson has been fed encyclopedias, dictionaries, books, news, movie scripts and more... about 200 million pages of content! He also has algorithms to measure the level of confidence in his response to decide whether he should hit the buzzer.

Watson has been taught (programed) to buzz and answer, with a simulated masculine voice, in the form of a question. Watson claims to know slang, contemporary jargon, trivia, subtleties of language, puns and riddles. In a practice game, the category was "Chicks Dig Me." The answer: "Kathleen Kenyon's excavation of this city mentioned in Joshua shows that the walls had been repaired 17 times." Watson buzzed in first with "What is Jericho?" Bingo!

Next answer: "He was the 16th president of the United States." Watson again: What is Jericho? (Joke.)

Fear not human beings... Watson doesn't kill--to the best of the creators' knowledge-- nor does it play Wheel of Fortune. Lucky for us.

If this trend of creating artificial intelligence continues, we may not need monkeys any more.

It's really NUTS out there... 2011 version

2011-01-11T14:15:00.001-05:00

An Ohio sixth grader was given detention for farting on the school bus. That'll make him think twice next time he tries something like that.

An art show that featured "a painting that hasn't been painted yet," an "invisible sculpture," and "a movie shot with no film in the camera" won the clever artist a $2,338 British government grant.

Elsewhere in Britain, another artist, asked to decorate the Christmas tree at England's Tate Gallery, earned his commission by leaving the tree bare. Pretty hard to top mother nature, eh?

I guess the minimalist movement is alive and well in the UK.

The election of officers for the American Postal Workers Union was delayed... because many of the members' ballots were lost in the mail. D'oh!

The city of Coumbus, OH bought 18 new stretchers for its paramedics, each capable of toting 650-pound patients. Sadly, they are not sturdy enough for all needs. So it had to pay 10-grand for ones that can handle 1,000-pounders. Next will come the need to hire more paramedics just to carry those stretchers.

A recent poll found that one out of four Americans don't know that we won our independence from Great Britain. Among other popular choices: France, China and Mexico. So far, no mention of another planet.

Speaking of another planets... or more correctly, our nearest star... its status may soon be changing. Angeles Duran of Spain has notarized documents--ahh, the power of a notary--attesting that she is now the official "owner of the sun... (legal description follows in small print)"... and plans to charge a "reasonable fee" for use of the sun's rays. Says Duran, or perhaps we should start referring to her as God Jr., the proceeds will be split between the Spanish government, the world's poor and herself. "Anyone could have done it" she says. "It simply occurred to me first." Well, so much for that free tan.

Disturbingly, the number of clowns in America has increased 230 percent in the last 10 years, according to the WCA (World Clown Association.) Asks America: "Is that all?"

Now, to end on a bright note, we have found the answer to "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" It was the chicken, of course. Scientists have determined that a protein found in the chicken's ovary is necessary for the formation of the egg. I wonder where they got the protein necessary for the formation of the chicken?... but what do I know... I'm not a scientist. Next scientific question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Happy New Year!

A Cross to Bear

2011-01-02T17:08:00.002-05:00

“Hey buddy! Watch it with the sign.”

Bill shook his head in disbelief as he walked to his mid-Manhattan office. Should be a law about that. These guys just clutter up the sidewalk. Nutsos! All of ‘em.

The guy with the sign paid no attention to Bill. He saw hundreds of people like him every day. Sure, the sign could have been smaller but when your message is big, you gotta have a big sign.

“THE END OF THE WORLD IS COMING!”

John saw his only mission in life as spreading God’s word and making sure everyone was ready when they met their maker… not that everyone paid any attention to him… or that anyone paid any attention to him. Yet, John was undaunted. This is what God wanted from him… told him personally… and true to God’s word, John was ‘on the job’ every day. He was a ‘regular’... one of those street people that become vaguely familiar to the multitude that travel the same path most days.

You couldn’t say John’s clothes were rags, but then you wouldn’t say they weren’t. Looked like they were from the Goodwill men’s department… many years ago. It was his falling-apart sandals missing a strap, the untended beard that met his dirty hair half-way and the glassy-eyed look that said, ‘I do this for a living.’ Oh... and the sign, of course. But it was his rather distinctive ‘air’ that told the blind beggar down the block that John was at work.

Some days, John carried an old wooden cross. Thing towered about two-feet above his head and weighed almost half as much as John himself. Those were the days he wore his dirty white robe with the rope belt. Quite effective.

Those were the days that Bill, and everyone else, gave John wide berth.

“Saw that crazy ‘jesus guy’ again,” Bill told his wife that evening. “He was carrying the big cross today. God, he sure smells. Wonder what his story is.”

Two days later, Bill saw him once more, just as ‘the jesus guy’ fell while crossing the busy street.

“Hey! You ok?”

As he put his arm under the self appointed ‘savior of the world’ to help him up, Bill shook his head. He couldn’t believe he instinctively ran to his aid. And if that wasn’t enough, he had to stop traffic to pick up the huge cross before it caused an accident.

“Thank you, my brother. Thank you. God sent you to me today and I am grateful.”

“Now wait a minute, old man…”

“Name is John.”

“Hate to tell you this, John, but you couldn’t be more wrong. There is no God. He only exists in your mind…. like Santa Claus.”

“How can you say that, man? God is the sun. The moon. The air. God is life in all its forms.” John, arms waving and sputtering as he talked, was just getting warmed up. As the crowd gathered, John knew this was the day… and the reason he was put on earth.

“Tell me, man,” he said, poking a finger in Bill’s chest. “Tell me who made you? Tell me which came first, the chicken or the egg? And where did either one of them come from? And the stars… and the universe...”

Bill couldn’t believe it. This bum had come alive. He was no wino with a hand out but a man on a mission. He took two steps backward for every one of John’s giant strides into his chest.

“How can you defend Santa Claus for your kids’ faith and joy and not give God the same courtesy? How can you smile at Christmas and get angry when I talk about God?”

John, sputtering on, was red in the face with fervor. “What are you afraid of, man? Listen to your heart as your children listened to you. Is there a Santa Claus? Damned right! Is there a God? Damned if you are wrong. Don’t tell yourself nothin’ you don’t, deep down, believe just because you are afraid.”

Bill blinked and stared into John’s eyes. They weren’t crazy. They were begging for understanding…asking… pleading to be heard.

“Come on, man. I can see you get it. Admit it to yourself. Go with it. Take His hand and…and…and…”

John closed his eyes, took one staggering step backward… then slumped to the ground. His work was done.

The gathered audience seemed quietly stunned, unsure of what to do next.

“BREAK IT UP! Nothing to see here,” blared the voice from the bullhorn wielded by the officer in a black and white. And like that, the crowd backed away, watching as Bill knelt to John.

“He’s gone, officer. I can’t believe it. He’s gone.”

Bill didn’t sleep that night. He and his wife must have talked for hours before she fell asleep on the couch. Near morning, Bill stumbled into the shower, determined to see that John was taken care of…vowing to make sure he had a decent Christian burial.

“I saw that man a thousand times as a nut case…a homeless crazy,” he muttered to his wife as he walked toward the front door. “In just five minutes, I knew a man that I should have known from the very beginning. I …. I… ,” his voice trailed off.

“What is it Bill?” his wife hollered at his silence as she ran to him, now standing in the front yard, staring back in disbelief.

“How…? Why…? I don’t understand.”

There, a large wooden cross…bigger, by far, than John’s, was leaning against the house.

Things that amaze me most: Part VI

2010-12-16T19:54:00.000-05:00

PART VI: THE POWER OF 1

An old but good story: Two men were walking on the beach, naturally littered with washed-on-the-shore starfish. Every few steps, one of the men would stop, pick up a starfish and throw it back into the sea. After this had happened about half-dozen times, the other man chided him.

"Why are you doing that? There are thousands of starfish on the beach. You can't really make a difference."

First man flipped the starfish he was holding back into the ocean. "I can to that one."

"1" doesn't have to be heroic in the Superhero sense, though it sometimes is. Take CNN's Heroes of the year for 2010:

Susan Burton's nonprofit provides sober housing and other support to formerly incarcerated women.
Guadalupe Arizpe De La Vega has for 30 years, provided quality health care in the dangerous city of Juarez, Mexico. Several times a week, this 74-year-old grandmother drives into the murder capital of the world to help keep a sanctuary and health center for the needy, open and available for people who have no other place to turn.
Linda Fondren has helped residents of her Mississippi town lose nearly 15,000 pounds.
Narayanan Krishnan has brought more than 1.2 million hot meals to India's homeless and destitute through his nonprofit organization.
Dan Wallrath of Texas has, since 2005, given injured veterans homes of their own -- mortgage-free.
Anuradha Koirala and her group have helped more than 12,000 victims of Nepal's sex trafficking business.
Magnus MacFarlane-Barrow's program, Mary's Meals, provides free daily meals to more than 400,000 children around the world.
Aki Ra and his group have made Cambodia safer by clearing about 50,000 mines and weapons.
Evans Wadongo invented a way for rural families in Kenya to replace smoky kerosene and firelight with solar powered lanterns saving countless lives.
Harmon Parker builds footbridges in Kenya -- protecting people from floods and animals while connecting communities.

(There is much more detail... and more heroes, on the CNN website.)

Remember Violet and Allen Large of Nova Scotia? Nope! The names sometime escape us... but that's the thing about the Power Of 1... heroic actions are usually not notable for who, but what and how. Being a hero is often a selfless, quiet action that positively affects others. Though Violet is currently fighting cancer, the Larges, who won $11 million in a lottery last July, donated the entire amount for various causes including their local fire department, hospitals and organizations that fight cancer, Alzheimer's and diabetes. Said Allen, "The money that we won was nothing. We have each other."

Hollywood has a neat way of showcasing the Power Of 1. Movies (and television, books, etc.) can show the perspective of all the characters and showcase cause and effect actions. How about a seasonal example: It's a Wonderful Life showed the greatness of George Bailey in the way he lived his life of personal character without ever realizing the positive effect he had on those he touched. (I love that movie.)

An organ donor covered on tonight's news saved a dozen strangers by his donations... and it showed the donor's wife listening to her deceased husband's heart beating in another's chest. Very powerful. (You an organ donor? You should be.)

And this season, how about Santa? Oh yeah! the Power of 1... in hearts and minds.

Most of us celebrate Christmas because of one man born about 2000 years ago. Need a better example of the Power of 1?

May your holidays be blessed and the New Year bring a resolve to unleash your Power of 1 for a richer you. Play it forward.

You Can Fool Some of the People...

2010-12-10T10:50:00.002-05:00

“No lady. We don’t got no elephants.”

Geez… the rubes always ask about elephants. Usually it’s some pig-faced farmer-woman with a mouthful of popcorn. “Uh, mmm. Pardon me sir… Do you have elephants?”

We ain’t no zoo, fer Christ’s sake. Carnivals don’t got elephants… or nothing that ain’t somebody’s pet…. Like Walter’s rat, Hermie. Or Maggie ‘s Ruff. I got my little boa, Slither. ..and old Prince. Just pets. No elephants, trained seals or zebras. That’d be all I’d need… crap the size of footballs."

It wasn’t Frank’s Carney… but it was his Freak Show and he was the big draw on the Midway. Who would have doubted after they had seen Jack and Jill, the only fraternal Siamese twins in the world, joined at the hip by what looked like a rubbery band, Little Lulu, the world’s smallest lady and her husband, Big Bill Benson who actually weighed 470 pounds. Now there’s an elephant for you. Of course, Prince the Unicorn wasn’t too shabby… when his horn didn’t come unglued on those blistering summer days and lay across his face looking more like the paper towel cone it originally was.

Credibility started to suffer with Zelda, the bearded lady. She looked like a pro football linebacker in drag. Actually, she never played football… but she was in drag. “Just never got around to that sex change did you Phil?”

And Tommy, the world’s biggest tortoise, was loosing his ‘gee-whiz’ appeal with the crowd. “Kids today just don’t buy into a 35-pound snapping turtle like their parents in the days before Animal Planet. Damn TV is going to drive us all out of business.”

Frank was always on the lookout for a new star. And when he sold the cold and rainy night’s first--and maybe only--ticket to that huge creepy-looking guy in the dirty long raincoat, he had a feeling that maybe this could be ‘it.’ The guy, with a sad excuse for a face that maybe even a mother couldn’t love, was either a real ‘freak’ or some perverted flasher. In either case, he wouldn’t be a first.

As Frank followed at a distance, he saw the guy’s eyes seem to bulge as he stared at Jack and Jill. Then the creep started to drool as he reached toward them across the railing.

“Hey Mister,” Frank hollered. “Hands to yourself! This is a ‘no-touch’ zone.”

With that, the creep turned, looked Frank up and down, and flashed him a hideous grin. As he ‘waddled,’ toward him, Frank noticed the guy’s feet were nothing but blobs of flesh… and where he walked, he left a glistening, slimy trace.

“What the…”

Then Frank smiled. He had found his freak… a real one this time.

Moments later, hearing what sounded like a muffled scream, Jack and Jill got off their chair and looked toward where Frank’s voice had came from. Frank was nowhere in sight. All they saw was ‘the creep,” grinning and slowly moving their way.

The ridiculous and the sublime

2010-11-26T13:01:00.002-05:00

Exhibit A: In Connecticut, a man driving 80 miles an hour, hit and killed a 14-year-old boy riding a bicycle. That man, currently serving a 10 year prison term for manslaughter, is suing the deceased boy's parents for "contributory negligence." He says that because the boy was not wearing a helmet, his conviction is causing him "great mental and emotional pain and suffering."

Exhibit B: Jeff Tally, a homeless Arizona man who had just spent his last dollar, found a backpack containing a laptop computer and $3,300 in cash at a light-rail station. He took the backpack and its contents to his boss, the manager of the Tempe Community Action Agency, which provides the city's homeless with meals and shelter, to help find the backpack's owner, which they did. The owner, a student at Arizona State University, reported the good deed to The Arizona Republic, which ran the story. Tally, who has debts and a bank account that is $67 in the red, says he never thought of keeping the money. "It wasn't my money. I didn't earn it. I'm the one that has to lay down every day and deal with myself. If I'd done anything different that what I did, I don't know if I could handle that."

Exhibit C: A Florida man who ordered an artichoke at a restaurant is suing the restaurant because eating the entire artichoke caused him "severe abdominal pain and discomfort." He says "he had never seen or heard of (an artichoke) previously." He blames the restaurant for failing to tell him that he shouldn't eat the whole thing... only the tender inner leaves.

Exhibit D: Violet and Allen Large of Nova Scotia won $11 million in a lottery last July and they have since spent every penny... but not a cent on themselves. They donated the entire amount for various causes including their local fire department, hospitals and organizations that fight cancer, Alzheimer's and diabetes. Said Violet, age 78, who is undergoing cancer treatments, "What you've never had, you never miss." Her husband Allen says, "That money that we won was nothing. We have each other."

Exhibit E: In Wisconsin, a man watching Bristol Palin and her partner continue their advance week after week on TV's Dancing with the Stars, became so fed up that he shot the family television which precipitated a standoff with local police. According to the complaint against him, he did not think that Bristol "was a good dancer"... and, he had been drinking.

Exhibit F: When small business owner Lola Gonzalez realized that, because the company she founded (Accurate Background Checks in Ocala, Florida) and ran successfully for years was in financial straits because of the economy, she knew she would have to lay off one of her nine loyal employees. She gathered her small staff together and announced, "I want you all to know I have to lay somebody off and it's been a very difficult decision." Her staff took a deep breath... but before anyone had a chance to say anything, she continued... "And that person is me." The boss and founder had laid herself off to keep her employees working. Gonzalez says "employees are the ones who are doing the legwork." She also felt that with her background in social work, she could more easily find another job. And she did... one making about half her current salary. But, she added, "I don't need a Mercedes." Business, she reports, is picking up but, until the company is on more solid footing, she will not return... and she will see that her employees get a Christmas bonus.

Now I ask you, which of the exhibits represent the ridiculous and which the sublime in this human experience we all share?

Another Adage Disproved

2010-11-10T11:03:00.005-05:00

You never saw two guys looking so much alike. When Jim and Bob were together, even at 60, they still got stares wherever they went. Being identical twins has its blessings...and curses. The similarities ran deep...same gait, mannerisms, habits, cars, families (one girl, two boys), neighborhood, hobbies, etc. But at least, they hadn't worn the same clothes since mom stopped dressing them for pre-school... except when their almost identical minds came up with identical choices out of their closets.

It was Jim who got the first new Cut-Rite bench saw for his woodworking shop in the garage. "Slickest thing you ever saw, Bob...but heavier than a ton of feathers. Need your help to get it out of the pick-up and put it together."

With sweat stains discoloring their identical 'Measure twice, cut once' tee shirts, Bob said, "Let' s set this bugger up and see what she can do"... or was it Jim?

It only took an hour before Stephanie opened the garage door and hollered over the din, "What is that God-awful whine that's making the dog crazy?"

Well-satisfied with the set-up and initial test of the new saw, the brothers almost fought for the right to cut that first 2x8 into meaningless pieces. "Here... I'll hold this end and we'll do it together."

"No, stupid. That's too dangerous. Not that way... Stop it Bob... Oh Jesus!"

It only took seconds before blood discolored the saw's shiny steel top and three loose fingers were laying impossibly askew... the fourth was on the floor in a pile of sawdust.

Stephanie had the boys on the way to the ER in minutes, with the loose digits in an ice-cooled plastic bag on Jim's lap. The brothers, broodingly reflective, didn't have what it took to point a finger at one another.

"Nurse. Prep-'em We're going to put those fingers back on." The ER was abuzz with activity as the brothers were made ready. Jim was wheeled into OR1, Bob, next door in OR2...or was it the other way around?

"Operations successful," the doctors happily reported, and Stephanie and Shari sighed almost in unison.

It wasn't till two days later that the hospital realized IT WAS the other way around-- Bob was in OR1, Bob's fingers in OR2 and visa-versa. But with identical twins, it still, amazingly worked!

When the boys and their spouses were told, it was Jim who started to laugh... from a smile to a giggle to a red-faced, almost apoplectic, 'can't-catch-your-breath' guffaw. "Well," he said with tears in his eyes after he had finally re-gained some composure, "I guess that disproves that."

"Beg your pardon?" said Bob, totally out of the loop on what was so funny.

"When we were kids, you always said,

You can pick your friends...

And you can pick you nose...

But you can't pick your friend's n..."

Before he could finish, Stephanie calmly emptied her luke-warm coffee on Jim's head and their world was back to normal...as if it ever was.

Things that amaze me most... Part V

2010-11-06T13:41:00.003-04:00

As I told you before, there are a number of things/events/emotions that absolutely blow-my-mind because they are so introspectively amazing and give me a deeper sense of awe. So I made a list of the things that amaze me most... some big, some small, some acts, some things... but all, in my mind, amazing. So far:

Part I:    THE PACIFIC OCEAN
Part II:   BIG NUMBERS
Part III: THE YOUNG: Babies, toddlers and teens
Part IV: LAUGHTER: A peek into the soul

Part V:   NATURE: Her splendor and fury

This is a 'no-brainer.' The day begins:

The rains come:

The winds blow:

Snow blankets the earth:

Volcanoes erupt:

The oceans crash:

Tornadoes and hurricanes roar:

Lightning shocks the earth:

Rainbows highlight the beauty:

The heavens give a sense of eternity:

The awe... the power... the serenity of it all:

OK! Top that.

Things that amaze me most... Part IV

2010-11-02T10:44:00.004-04:00

As I told you before, there are a number of things/events/emotions that absolutely blow-my-mind because they are so introspectively amazing and give me a deeper sense of awe. So I made a list of the things that amaze me most... some big, some small, some acts, some things... but all, in my mind, amazing. So far:

Part I: THE PACIFIC OCEAN
Part II: BIG NUMBERS
Part III: THE YOUNG: Babies, toddlers and teens

Part IV: LAUGHTER: A peek into the soul

I'm a sucker for this one. It's not only laughter, which offers a peek into an individual's soul.... it's the power of a smile, the lighter heart, the joy of living. The world is a serious place... no one gets out alive. But to live on a globe half-empty makes time spent a tough slog when compared to the joy to be had on a globe half-full. Laughter is just one very public indication of a person trying to keep in balance with life's ups and downs.

Ever walk down the street with a smile and nod to the strangers walking toward you? Most smile back... not counting the few who think you are an idiot. However, this is absolutely guaranteed to give at least one person--you--a lighter step. And you can be sure it affects a few more than that.

For something to be funny, it only has to amuse one person... you. Anything after that is a bonus. Example: Comedian Emo Phillips said, "I used to think that the human brain was the most fascinating part of the body. But then I realized, Well... look what's telling me that!" See how happy that made me?

Do you know a person can actually die of a broken heart? (Check out the Mayo Clinic's take on broken-heart syndrome.) There is unhappiness in life and we have to deal with it best we can. Then, there are other times... lots more of them... that better defines us.

A lighter heart is a free, not-toxic, over-the-counter drug that is good for almost anything that may ail you. The welcome side-effect is that it is infectious.

Robin Williams tells this story: Bono was performing a benefit in Scotland before a crowded house. He started slowly clapping his hands and told his audience, "Every time I clap my hands, an elephant dies in Africa!" A man in the back row stood up and hollered, "THEN FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN, STOP CLAPPING YOUR HANDS!" See?

A sense of humor represents more 'life in balance' than almost anything else because it comes from the reflection of the world as seen through your eyes. Carry a grudge... seek revenge... harbor hate... see seven shades of gray... fail to appreciate life's delights? Then my friend, I'm sad for you because you only have one crack at it.

Live life to your principles... WITH GUSTO! What that does for the soul... that is something that amazes me most.

Elsie had it right: (with thanks to Fred Ebb and John Kander who created the song and Lisa Minelli who made it come alive in Cabaret.)

What good is sitting alone in your room?

Come hear the music play.

Life is a Cabaret, old chum,

Come to the Cabaret.

Put down the kniting,

The book and the broom.

Time for a holiday.

Life is a Cabaret, old chum,

Come to the Cabaret.

Come taste the wine,

Come hear the band.

Come blow a horn,

Start celebrating;

Right this way,

Your table's waiting.

No use permitting

Some prophet of doom

To wipe every smile away.

Come hear the music play.

Life is a Cabaret, old chum,

Come to the Cabaret!

I used to have a girlfriend

Known as Elsie,

With whom I shared

Four sorid rooms in Chelsea.

She wasn't what you'd call

A blushing flower...

As a matter of fact

She rented by the hour.

The day she died the neighbors

Came to snicker:

Well that's what comes

From too much pills and liquor.

But when I saw her laid out

Like a Queen,

She was the happiest corpse

I'd ever seen.

I think of Elsie to this very day,

I remember how she'd turn to me and say:

What good is sitting alone

In your room?

Come hear the music play.

Life is a Cabaret, old chum,

Come to the Cabaret.

Put down the knitting,

The book and the broom.

Time for a holiday.

Life is a Cabaret, old chum,

Come to the Cabaret.

As for me,

I made my mind up back in Chelsea,

When I go, I'm going like Elsie.

Start by admitting,

From cradle to tomb

Isn't that long a stay.

Life is a Cabaret, old chum,

Only a Cabaret, old chum,

And I love a Cabaret.

We interrupt this blog of 'AMAZING THINGS' for another post

2010-10-25T16:33:00.002-04:00

Hey, I'll get back to my blog post trip through the 10 things that amaze me most... so far, the Pacific Ocean, Big Numbers and The Young... but first, a few other things that seem to be calling my name.

I, like other crossword buffs, know what the clue 'OED' stands for--Oxford English Dictionary, generally accepted as the foremost word authority in the world. When word got out that the third (latest) edition of the 126-year-old publication would, most likely be released only electronically, trees everywhere cheered. (Incidentally... if you like crossword puzzles, then you must see the incredibly interesting DVD documentary, Wordplay, featuring Will Shortz, Ken Burns, Jon Stewart and Merl Reagle.)

The full edition's last release took 20 volumes just to cover A through Z... and it was so heavy that it couldn't be lifted by any normal person. (Last edition was released in 2001, just two years after the OED went digital. Of course, updates have been coming out between the reprints... with increasing frequency in today's faster-paced word-world.

This is the same dictionary that gave it's "Official-dom" stamp to words like turkducken (turkey stuffed with duck and chicken, of course), shagadelic (the Austin Powers' catchphrase), gaydar, matchy-matchy, defriend and frenemy. Yes, Bridezila is there too, as is Grrl, babelicious, po-po, blamestorming and bazillionaire, plus lots of others. Don't know what they mean? Look 'em up.

Sad, but it's a fact... the onset of the digital age and the internet have changed, not always in a good way, so much of our lives. So now, the only thing you can say to anyone who asks for a definition you don't want to admit you don't know, is to tell them to look it up on Google... or, as the OED would allow, say "Google it."

But wait... that's not all. Soon to be gone with the OED's 20-volumes is the Librarian herself. (Yes, I know... I should say "herself/himself," but if the librarian will soon stop being politically correct, so will I.) Today's new libraries--thanks a lot, economy--are becoming more and more automated. Well, perhaps that is no surprise... everything old is new again... like the Automat, a restaurant style 60 or so years ago, where diners picked their appetizers, entrees and deserts from behind glass windowed cubbyholes (like mailboxes) which made waitresses passe, until diners realized they missed that touch of charm/service/tipping opportunity.

In some larger cities, library users order books on-line and pick them up from locked storage bins at a "sort of library" building, using the key code they were given to open the door.

I suppose story hour now will be lead by Roberta, the bespectacled, grandmotherly-sweet robot.

OTHER FACTS OF CURRENT INTEREST (mine, not yours):

I was taught that there are five different kinds of taste buds located on the tongue, soft palate, esophagus and epiglottis... salty, sour, bitter, sweet and savory. Well, that's wrong now too, we have just discovered. Taste buds also exist on the lungs so that, according to new research, "the airways can 'taste' dangerous, illness-causing bacteria." This, supposedly helps us to breathe easier and clear the bacteria in the body's self-healing mode, and could allow scientists to better target these infections. 'Atta way, body.

There is a new non-ficton book out, EELS, by James Prosek. (You guessed it... all about eels.) While this book does not take the place of the printed edition of the OED, it is, in tiny snippets, interesting. I learned that some eels live 100 years... often languishing in small ponds just waiting for a series of floods to 'leapfrog' their way to the ocean. This long life results in growth that produces creatures with "heads on 'em like a full-grown Labrador dog." Those creatures are found in Australia, thank goodness, where lots of fascinating, strange, dangerous animals that I wouldn't want to associate with, are found. (Kute, kuddly koalas are not any of those.)

Speaking of old, like in eels, the bristlecone pine trees found in the U.S. West, are among the longest-living trees in the world, sometimes able to celebrate their 4,000th birthday. Send a card, bake a cake... but please, no birthday candles. I think these celebrations that get out of hand are responsible for a lot of those forest fires out west.

This blog post's last non-sequiter: Happy birthday, Fred Flintstone, who just turned 50. (Gee... prehistoric times seemed farther back than that.) Give our best to Wilma, Pebbles, Barney, Betty, Bam Bam, Dino, Hoppy and The Great Gazoo. Gazoo?... look it up in the OED (Whoops, sorry... you can't.)

Things that amaze me most...Part III

2010-10-14T22:01:00.000-04:00

As I told you before, there are a number of things/events/emotions that absolutely blow-my-mind because they are so introspectively amazing and give me a deeper sense of awe. So I made a list of the things that amaze me most... some big, some small, some acts, some things... but all, in my mind, amazing. So far:

Part I: THE PACIFIC OCEAN
Part II: BIG NUMBERS
Part III: THE YOUNG: Babies, toddlers and teens

Oh, it isn't that the older aren't amazing... sometimes they are amazing heros, leaders, role models, parents, children, friends, lovers and spouses... sometimes they are all of those rolled into one. And yes, sometimes they are amazing jerks and worse... but everyone, from perhaps mid-teens on, has already benefitted in almost all of life's learning and are into the next phase.

The young, however... now that's a different story. They learn everything from scratch and surprise us with new stuff, sometimes when we least expect it.

At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle there is a full size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels. A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who gets in. When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said, "Dad, could I have a quarter?"

As babies they are miraculous and incredibly cute. They fill us with love and awe. They are totally dependent as they learn life's most basic lessons. As they grow, they are innocent, charming, witty, naive, goofy and sometimes, impishly impossible. In their later stages they are relatively new and even more naive to the grown-up world, but they still live on the 'up' side of the learning curve and continue to share in its delights. It's almost all discovery from birth to then. That's what is so amazing to observe.

Coming home from his Little League game Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

We all started from a single sperm and egg... much smaller than a grain of sand... and grew with fingers and toes and giant eyeballs and livers and onions... well, maybe not onions, but hearts and lungs and bones and... now get this... BRAINS... which lead to understanding, reason and common sense-- learning's tools and results. Yeah... really though, sometimes you wonder. But see, that is the less keen stage... from young adults to old farts to death.

When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our
eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"

"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.

"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.

"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.

"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."

The process of learning is the remarkable thing... that precious time before anyone feels they know everything... maybe around the mid to later teen years. There you see the instinctive trust and simple respect that comes implicit to parents, teachers, siblings, relatives, friends, life experiences, etc. From infant to that point where growth in knowledge crests the hill, the young progress with all the speed, cuteness, clumsiness, misconception-filled ideas and mixed messages that they absorb every second of their younger lives. As they grow in wisdom, they grow physically and emotionally, still dependent on those that bring them along. Maybe that's why there are so many dog and cat lovers, because these creatures never grow beyond that level.

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

As the young become more worldly, they become more people of the world that we, their mentors, share. Its all a good deal and a great ride.

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

Take it from a grandfather of 15 with another on the way, how can you not be amazed at the young?

Things that amaze me most.... Part II

2010-10-07T12:57:00.001-04:00

That is the scientific best guess of the number of bacteria alive on this earth at this time.

Add that to the 10 quintillion (10 followed by 18 zeros) individual insects. Doesn't that worry you just a little bit? If all of those little buggers got together, us 6.9 billion people wouldn't have much of a chance. Let's just hope that there isn't an insect Winston Churchill or George Washington or FDR to organize the charge.

Then of course, you have space. How much is 6 billion light years--the estimated breadth of our universe... which is constantly expanding? One light second is how long it takes light to travel 7 times around the Earth. One light year is 32 million light seconds... a lot farther than the out house on a frigid winter farm night.

Then you have stars which are not scattered randomly through space but gathered in galaxies. Our Sun belongs to the Milky Way Galaxy. (I didn't know that!) Astronomers estimate there are about 100 thousand million stars in the Milky Way alone... and there are millions upon millions of other galaxies. As for size, Earth is smaller than a grain of sand on the Universe Beach. Can you imagine...?

Then you have time. It is scientifically estimated that The Big Bang, which is believed to be the event that triggered the formation of our Universe, happened 13.7 billion years ago, give or take a few billion. If that time was condensed in scale to one earth year, you and I would have been born just a blink of an eye before the stroke of midnight on December 31st at 11:59:59 p.m.

So how old am I? Less than a fraction of a second, of course... and looking good for my age.

The things that amaze me most...Part I

2010-10-02T15:24:00.005-04:00

I saw something the other day that just floored me. It was one of those things that make you stop and say "WOW!"

That 'gee-whiz' moment put me in a reflective mood and I realized that there are a number of things/events/emotions that absolutely blow-my-mind because they are so introspectively amazing and give me a deeper sense of awe. So I made a list of the things that amaze me most... some big, some small, some acts, some things... but all, in my mind, amazing.

This is the first of 10 of those incredible realizations, in no specific order, that seem to put so much of life in perspective for me.

Things that amaze me most...Part I: THE PACIFIC OCEAN

In fact, all the oceans... but the Pacific in particular. Why? Just look at it! The Pacific, as seen in Google Earth from space, fills almost a full hemisphere! That's North and South America peeking over the right edge.

Want your own sense of awe? Go to Netflix and check out The Perfect Storm... again, or watch Discovery Channel's Deadliest Catch. Here's a 'freebe,'Artist Ran Ortner's stunning award winning painting, Open Water No. 24.

I'll tell you something else. While the Earth's surface is 71% water... and more than two miles deep in the Pacific's Mariana Trench (which is 1,580 miles long and 43 miles across--take that, Grand Canyon) water is only .025% of the Earth's mass. If Earth was represented as a 12" diameter globe, the average depth of the oceans would be no more than the thickness of a piece of paper.

So while the water on the earth might seem an endless resource, there is far more earth... with a thirst that all the oceans haven't been able to resolve. Fact: There are 2.5 billion people of our 7 billion population-- almost one out of three of us-- who lack ready access of clean water to drink. Wanna see an incredible blog post that defines that problem? Click here.

Watch for The things that amaze me most...Part II, within the week.

Of Golden Rules... again

2010-09-20T16:51:00.002-04:00

In Greek mythology, was it King Midas who said, "He who has the gold, rules?"

King Midas was a very kind man who ruled his kingdom fairly, but he was not one to think very deeply about what he said. One day, while walking in his garden, he saw an elderly satyr asleep in the flowers. Taking pity on the old fellow, King Midas let him go without punishment. When the god Dionysus heard about it, he rewarded King Midas by granting him one wish. The king thought for only a second and then said I wish for everything I touch to turn to gold." And so it was.

King Midas' gift gave him "The golden touch," and, as you can see, it turned out to be a curse.

The beautiful flowers in his garden turned toward the sun for light, but when Midas approached and touched them, they stood rigid and gold. The king grew hungry and thin, for each time he tried to eat, he found that his meal had turned to gold. His lovely daughter, at his loving touch, turned hard and fast to gold. His water, his bed, his clothes, his friends, and eventually the whole palace was gold.

While he was the wealthiest man on earth, he was also the loneliest and saddest, not to mention hungriest.

King Midas saw that soon his whole kingdom would turn to gold unless he did something right away. He asked Dionysus to turn everything back to the way it had been and take back his golden touch. Because the king was ashamed and very sad, Dionysus took pity on him and granted his request. Instantly, King Midas was poorer that he had been, but richer, he felt, in the things that really count.

Nope. He didn't say that. He did however, give us "the Midas touch." The moral of the story: Be "richer in all the things that really count."

It all comes down to living "rich"... metaphorically... kind of like The Golden Rule, which I have used in one blog form or another four times before now. (Go to 'Search Blog' and type in golden rules--they make wonderful pegs to some stories.)

Then there are the Anti-Golden Rules: "He who has the gold, rules" -- "Don't get mad, get even" -- "Revenge is the best medicine," -- "An enemy of my enemy is my friend." Jimmy Hoffa once told friends, "I do unto others what they do unto me... only worse." Charles Dickens' sleazeball character, Martin Chuzzlewit said, "Do other men for they would do you."

Sadly, we all know a few people like that. Anti-Golden Rules are tough... I see those people as angry... revengeful... brooding... people always at war with their fellow man. No "Happy-go-lucky" here. Advice: Do not try to tell these people a joke.

Golden Rules are simpler expressions of hope... and practicality. There are many formal expressions in mottoes, by scholars and humanists, in religious tenants, etc., but the Golden Rule is not religious. It is a moral, non secular expression of faith in humanity. It can be so simple: Google's credo is "Do no evil." In a new book, SEND: Why People Email So Badly and How to Do It Better. Authors David Shipley and Will Schwalbe say "Send e-mail you would like to receive." Louie Armstrong says "If you don't treat me right, shame on you." Remember: "Pick not thy nose lest someone else picketh it for you." (I just made that one up.)

Sir Isaac Newton (the one boinked by an apple) said in his book, Principia, "The golden rule is founded on the same law of Action and Reaction"... as are many of the principles of our world.

The golden rule is not a religion... it's a way of life... the easier way. Pass it on.

What's your dream job?

2010-09-14T11:35:00.001-04:00

A recent poll asked, "What is your dream job?"

OK, got your answer? Well, three of four fellow Americans chose to be: a movie star (33%), a professional athlete (29%), a rock star (13%). That leaves only 25% of us who want to be fire fighters or nurses. And who is going to pick up the garbage? Few said role model or a great father/mother/spouse or successful entrepreneur. How did you do?

So at least now we know what we want to be... rich and famous.

Before we judge ourselves too harshly, let's accept the realization that there are many ways to be rich and/or famous. And there are plenty of role models. In today's world, you can be famous in the blink of a tweet or a YouTube video that goes viral. Sure, maybe that only lasts 15 minutes, but then you could get on with your real life. That fame, of course, often doesn't lead to riches, but hey, one out of two ain't bad.

You could, for example, set a world's record. Oh yeah! You can do it.

Some guy from India grew the worlds longest ear hair... 5.25 inches. See? How difficult was that?

A Swiss guy just cycled 40 miles... backward... playing a delightful selection from Bach... on his violin... in a tunnel. Again, a no-brainer.

An inventive high schooler just set a world record for kicking himself in the head. Did it 58 times in a minute. Now that took brains, both literally and figuratively. But it is fame. Check it out on YouTube.

Sure, you can't cook a three-minute egg in two-minutes... some things just take longer.

An Australian author just completed his first book, a novel without a plot. On a manual typewriter (Note to young people: a manual typewriter is kind of like 26 or more pencils tied together in a clunky, metal frame... without a cord or battery. It's kind of like prehistoric cave paintings in a time before computers) he wrote the numbers one to one million, spelling out each word. The first word of his book, which took 16 years to complete, read: "One" The last line read: "nine hundred ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety eight, nine hundred and ninety nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine, (get ready... here comes the climax!) one million." Even more amazing, his 19,890 page 'novel' was all one sentence... with a hell of a lot of commas. And all this time, I thought the butler did it.

An American diarist left behind a 37.5 million word diary chronicling every 5 minutes of his life from 1972 to 1997 when he died. (The butler probably did kill him.) He kept a written record of absolutely everything that has happened to him, day and night. He wrote four hours each day believing that discontinuing his diary would be like turning off his life. He recorded his body temperature, blood pressure and medications. He described his urination and defecation... and slept for only two hours at a time so he could describe his dreams.

A South Korea lady from a small mountain-side village finally got her driver's license... after 960 tries! The 60-year-old diminutive woman began her quest for a license in April, 2005, and took the test once a day, five days a week those first few years, riding a series of buses for several hours in both directions every time she went to the testing center in a larger city. Fear not. She is a good driver... she could easily pass the driving portion but, because of her lack of formal learning, she had a bugger of a time with the 40 question multiple-choice written test. So she eventually memorized all the questions and only the correct answers. Bingo! She proudly never give up."

Of all the 'famous' in this blog, she is my heroine. And perhaps, she is the only one whose fame brought her riches. Automaker Hyndai presented her with a new car and now features her in South Korean TV commercials.

She does leave the only worthwhile lasting impression... NEVER GIVE UP!

The Magic Shoes

2010-09-04T09:02:00.056-04:00

I went to dinner with an old friend last night. He is crafty and wise, semi-witty and weird... good qualities for a friend. But the fact that he was magic caught up with me somewhere between dessert and cognac.

"Jerry, I know you have a good heart," he said, "and I have always believed good hearts need to be rewarded from time to time. So I want you to have these" He presented me with a box that simply read Calzature Collezione.

"I don't understand," I said.

"Literally translated, that means magic shoes."

One of the reasons I have always liked Steve is that he is so... so worldly. He knows all the languages."

"Gosh, they really are good looking." And, as I discovered, "They fit perfectly."

Steve smiled with satisfaction. "Of course. You may use them for anything you so desire... save the world, feed the hungry, cure the sick... whatever. Just lace them tight, click your heels together three times and make a wish. But be careful... you only have one wish."

I thought and thought... then we had another cognac... and another. Two hours later, still pondering, we were kicked out of the restaurant so the help could close and go home.

That night, I couldn't bear to take my shoes off, they were so beautiful... so I slept in them... and, I had a dream... a wonderful dream. You know how some dreams seem so real, it's almost as if you are awake. I could see myself and my magic shoes. I had dreamed my destiny.

I woke to a real surprise... the sheets on the bed were ripped to shreds. My poor loving wife's legs were cut and bloodied. As I put my beautiful shoe-covered feet on the floor, I noticed they gouged our hardwood with every step I took on my route to the bathroom.

Then it dawned on me... MAGIC HAD HAPPENED! My magic shoes had created my dream. The world be damned... I was a scratch golfer, spikes and all! I was Golf Emperor of the World!

I should call to thank Steve for this wonderful gift, but I have an 8:15 tee-time... with barely enough time to kiss my wife who is jumping up and down with... happiness for me, I think.

I'll wow the guys with these fancy new magic shoes... and my new golf knickers, golf shirt and golf underwear which came with them. I didn't see the clothes at first... Steve told me that only the pure of heart can actually see them... then, of course, I did.

YES! The Golf Emperor has new clothes too!

Remember my last post...

2010-08-31T16:04:00.001-04:00

...the one about a granddaughter's birthday coming up? Well, we did that. What I want to tell you is that the party itself, for nine kindergarten to 5th graders, was one of the best themed parties... for kids and adults.

On a very nice day, we had a small covered area in a nice local park on a lake, reserved. Fifteen minutes after everyone arrived, the owner of a small, private zoo-farm filled with rescue animals (about 70 of the non-killing-type), brought the six animals the birthday girl had requested.

For the next hour-and-a-half (which seemed to go by really fast), she took the animals, one at a time, from their cages and talked about them while the kids got to see, touch, hug as the animals played atop a picnic table the kids surrounded. The woman was very good... friendly and patient, and had all the facts and anecdotes especially entertaining to the kids (and adults)... but the animals were even better.

We had a capuchin monkey (the only one we couldn't touch because the little bugger was very fast and had long arms that grabbed anything and everything), a kinkajou (look it up), a 40 lb. bunny, a fennec (long-eared) fox, a hedgehog and, the star of the show, Arthur, the awesome opossum. And he really was.

Now it's not that Chuck-e-Cheese isn't great, or the gym or pottery making... it's just that we don't have a chance to get this close to real, live nature in the form of friendly, cuddly animals. Arthur, the awesome opossum is even house-broken and sleeps on the pillow besides his owner's head every night. Not for everyone? For sure. But touchy-feely is great when it happens this easy. Sadly, not every locale has something like this... but we do... so ha ha ha.

More proof: It's really nuts out there...

2010-08-28T12:21:00.003-04:00

Granddaughter's 9th birthday is coming up. She LOVES dogs, arctic foxes, anything that swims, slithers, has four legs, is cute, cuddly, bites (softly), etc. None of this nurse stuff, she's going to be a vet. So we mail-ordered for her, among other things, a packet of eight dog pencils we saw on-line. Cost: $2.95 plus about a million dollars for postage/handling, etc. Hmmm... that seemed kinda high, but heck, she's our granddaughter, and she will love the pencils, so ok.

Two days later, UPS leaves a box at our front door. "Honey, did we order a new set of encyclopedias, A-through-Ma ?"

Yep. That was the size of the box... except it was really very light. Inside were 4 yards of that plastic, softly inflated 'packing cushion' stuff... and, of course, the pencils--that's all... just the four ounces of pencils, taped to the bottom. At least now, I can understand the high cost of postage/handling.

Not nuts enough for you? How about the gang of robbers trying to blow open a German ATM machine? A few explosives here, a few explosives there... that should do it.

Well, the blast destroyed the entire bank building (except for the safe) and damaged cars a football field away. When the dust had settled, the building was nothing but a pile of bricks and the landscape looked like a war zone. Only thing still standing was the completely intact ATM machine. Whoops. My bad!

A man, trying to shoplift soothing skin lotion, was "noticed" by a female security office because of the rather large bulges in his pants which were tied off at the ankles. (Is that skin lotion or are you just happy to see me?) He had 75 bottles--that's a lot of aloe-- stuffed below his belt... so many that the police couldn't fit him into the squad car because, like the Michelin Man, he couldn't bend over.

Three adjacent stories in The Week magazine: Rep. Mark Souder, an outspoken evangelistic Christian advocate of abstinence before marriage, resigned from Congress after admitting to an extramarital affair with a staffer. An Alabama high school teacher was suspended after assigning his students to, 'hypothetically,' plan the assassination of President Barack Obama as a way to teach angles to his geometry students. Connecticut's attorney general, Richard Blumenthal was thrown a curve ball in his campaign to win a senate seat. Seems he remembered what it was like to serve in Vietnam and recalled "the taunts, the insults, even the physical abuse (inflicted on veterans ) when we returned." Fact is, Blumenthal received five draft deferments before joining the Marine Corps Reserve and never saw action overseas. To his credit, he took full responsibility for "a few misplaced words." Atta way sport. Got to admire a man who takes responsibility for his actions... when he is caught with his mouth open.

That Rhode Island school board is tough. It suspended an 8-year-old second-grader because he glued toy soldiers to his hat for a patriotic-themed class project. Seems the tiny soldiers were carrying even tinier guns which was in clear violation of the school's "zero-tolerance for weapons" policy.

And as final, undeniable proof that it really is nuts out there, in the year 2000, television carried 4 reality TV shows... just 4. Ten years later, we can 'enjoy' 320 of them on many channels, almost always. Remember America, you asked for it.

One of life's greater moments...

2010-08-22T14:28:00.002-04:00

Did you ever take a walk in the fresh-smelling coolness of the early morning after a night of quiet, steady rain? The cloudy sky is still low and misty gray as dawn begins its day. Its just the two of you... and the dogs... not another soul to have to share this time and place.

The dogs stop as they spot a doe, evaluating us intruders moments before it crosses our path, 30 feet ahead. As I hold their leashes to keep them from chasing into the woods, the silence is broken by the honking of about 60 geese, flying so close overhead, we can hear the beat of their wings.

In this world filled with noise and people, to have this moment to call your own is an uplifting, mind-blowing sense of well-being.

Proof: it REALLY IS nuts out there.

2010-08-13T13:25:00.000-04:00

At the Sauna World Championships in Finland, the finals required contestants to sit in a 230-degree sauna as water was splashed onto a red-hot stove to increase the heat. (I can cook a roast at 230 degrees.) It all came down to a Russian and a Finn, each trying to outlast the other. Sadly, the Russian collapsed and 1,000 spectators watched as both men, bleeding, burned and shaking, were taken to the hospital. The Russian didn't make it. Sadly, he died 'medium rare."

The 11th annual Sauna World Championships (sport or not sport?) had 130 athletes (?) competing for the grand prize--"some small things."

Move over, Capt. Sullinberger... you remember him... the USAir pilot who miraculously landed his bird-struck jet in the Hudson River last year, saving everyone on board. He was a real American hero. Well, we now have a new media hero "representing everyman," says the press... the Jet Blue flight attendant (I refuse to use his name) who cussed out a passenger over the intercom and deployed an escape chute to leave the plane (with a bottle of beer in his hand) saying he had had enough. How brave he was... to "stiff the man." Well, first class jerk, you suck. Jet Blue is better off without you... and so are the passengers. Who would want to hire this smug crud, let alone worship him?

Using the "don't get mad, get even" credo, 'Mr. Hero", you showed you are worse than your passenger. Your responsibility was to do your job. And you did have a job... which is more than millions of other Americans can say. Don't like your boss... or your responsibilities... quit. And you didn't even do that right. Today's press says you want your job back. The world isn't all roses, stupid. It is filled with jerks like you. American hero? Hope not.

What's in a name? New Jersey residents Deborah and Heath Campbell named their third child, a boy, Adolph Hitler. Little Adolph and his sibs, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie are in foster care where the state placed them after feeling the Campbells, unemployed and suffering from unspecified physical and psychological disabilities, were unfit parents. A recent appeal by the couple to get their children back was denied because of fears the children would be at risk of serious injury. Don't understand how NJ figured that out.

A North Carolina county must spend an additional $1.1 million to bring its new courthouse up to Americans With Disabilities conformance standards. Seems the bathroom mirrors were hung one inch too high and the toilet bowls were one inch closer to the wall (18" instead of 19") than they should have been. Oh well, what's a million dollars today... virtually nothing.

A burglar now serving 12 years in prison is suing the guy he robbed for $500,000 because, he says, three men knelt on his back and handcuffed him while waiting for police. That, he claims, caused "permanent disabilities and psychological disorders." I guess we should be grateful we live in a country where anyone can sue anyone else for any reason. We should be even more grateful when these kind of cases are thrown out of court.

A year in time

2010-08-03T16:52:00.004-04:00

Ever watch The Big Bang Theory on CBS TV? It's a popular sit-com about two weird and nerdy Caltech geniuses, Seldon and Leonard, who share an apartment right across the hall from Penny, an attractive blond waitress/aspiring actress. The show, now in its 3rd year, has added a few more characters and is really funny (my opinion... and I am a genius at funny, obscure and inane things).

I was originally 'taken' by the way the show introduced itself, with perhaps 30 rapid-fire images starting with the Big Bang that created the universe then flashing through time and space, creation of earth and evolution of plants and animals, dinosaurs, man and recorded history, up to the show's main actors in present day. The intro takes about 15 seconds and is really well put-together.

That scenario of creation to present day, as fantastic as it is to watch, just isn't as dramatic as astronomer Carl Sagan's cosmic calendar. (An awe-inspiring work.)

The universe is 13.7 billion years old, give or take a few billion years, so Sagan showed the chronology of events if time, from then to now, was represented in the scale of one earth year?

Well, the Big Bang that started... er, everything, occurred in the absolute first tick of January 1... and immediately after that instant... a billionth of a trillionth of a second to be precise, the universe 'happened.' (Don't ask me... I didn't make that up. That is really what astronomers concur.)

In that context, the Milky Way Galaxy appeared on May 1st and our planet showed up on September 14th. Mammals on earth arrived Dec. 26th. Prehistoric man? Well, he didn't come along until 10:30 pm. on December 31st... the Peking Man, the first to use fire, at 11:46 pm. The invention of the alphabet happened at 11:59:51 pm... and a blink of an eye before year's end, you and I were born.

So I guess I have to ask: what insignificant pip-squeaks are we to think that we are the center of the universe? We barely made it in the door. In fact, we are less than a millisecond of its existence. Hey! It's not bad to be humbled. It adds a perspective.

But perspective is a funny thing. That millisecond is a lifetime to us... but compared to the mayfly, which might live to a ripe old age of perhaps two days, we are Kings of The Universe.

Moral of the story... life is short. Let's not mess up our moment in the sun.

I am so grateful that I 'do-nut' live in the U.K.

2010-07-27T15:08:00.003-04:00

Havoc has struck more than half of the adult British population!

I do so love the country. The people are friendly and the culture is wonderful. The Queen is charming (and isn't Prince Harry just a dream boat?)... I even understand the language... somewhat. But one has to face the facts. You see, it just isn't safe.

About 25 million of our brothers and sisters across the sea have been injured--500 of them seriously enough to land in hospitals. The 'epidemic' that struck them down was not the Asian flu or the N1H1 virus... no, those can be treated and we can be inoculated to protect ourselves. But sadly, there is no protection for Brits when it comes to wafers, shortbread, chocolate fingers and the like.

Seemingly oblivious to the danger of biscuits, YES, BISCUITS, or with a daring-do that says "to hell with danger" (isn't that so just like them?) they just keep nibbling, dunking and passionately devouring these 'objects of danger.' So far, thank God, there have been no reported fatalities and to date and none of the 'misfortunes' have been tied to terrorist plots, but something of this magnitude that could create chaos among the people can not, nor should not be ignored.

London's Daily Telegraph reported the horrible news and Brits, always ready to 'bear-up,' seemed to take it in stride. But facts are facts. The British propensity to tea and biscuits continues to take its toll. In a survey commissioned by Rocky, a chocolate biscuit bar maker, the ugly danger was greater than anyone could imagine.... 25 million U.K. countrymen (and women) barely escaped with their lives!

The dangers are many: flying cookie fragments, burned fingers while dunking in scalding tea, poking oneself in the eye with a biscuit or falling off a chair when reaching for the tin. Some were gagged by too big a bite and some were bitten by a pet or "other wild animal" trying to get their biscuit. Others broke a tooth or lost a filling.

Then there is the one unfortunate man who got stuck in wet cement after wading in to pick up a fallen biscuit... and to the best of my knowledge, is still there, lodged tight, with a concrete biscuit in his hand... held prisoner for time everlasting. At least his family can come visit him over the next few months to bring meager crumbs and droplets of water to make their peace and say their good-byes. But the sad day will eventually come when friendly pigeons will loose their 'almost human' perch. The bright spot, however, is that when the end does come to this poor, stuck, biscuit-loving gentleman, he can be forever memorialized with just a dab or two of additional wet cement to finish the 'statue' in honor of the most famous 'British Biscuiteer' of them all. And, as they say in the U.K., a hard man is good to find.

If you happen to be in Britain, be wary of 'the biscuit.' And especially, watch out for the Custard Cream which has caused most of the injuries. Go instead for the Jaffa Cakes which have been shown to be five-times safer (really). Caramel Shortcake and Ginger Nuts are also a less-risky taste. And only dip when you are wearing asbestos gloves, goggles and, for good measure, a hard hat. Just remember, be safe and above all, avoid 'cement overshoes.'

PS: This is all true... and I think I am beginning to understand why, in 1776, we prevailed.

A short story I wrote...

2010-07-19T10:44:00.001-04:00

... and an award winner at that. This story was featured on A Long Story Short website this month... but the jokers messed up the link to all the stories on the page. So this is special just for you. (PS: It is NOT science fiction.)

The Time Machine

“A time machine?” Ray never really believed in stuff like that. “Get outta here, you crazy old fart!” And with that, the bummie in the train station walked away.

“Geeze. Never heard that one before.” Sometimes Ray had more patience. He even liked to ‘pull their chain,’ once in a while. But when you just miss your train, you aren’t the same person for a minute or so. And Ray just hated to be late for anything.

“You live in this city all your life and nothing surprises you anymore. A time machine…” he smiled as his mind was already focusing on the next train to Grand Central.

There was a big commotion on the corner as Ray walked up to 42^nd Street… late. People were yelling and screaming… fist fights… police cars all over the place. “What’s going on,” Ray asked a man in a business suit with one sleeve ripped almost off as he ran past, giddy with delight.

“Some nutso over there was throwing out hundred-dollar bills by the bushel basket!” he hollered, holding up his fist full of money. “I grabbed mine before some broad pushed me down me chasing her own c-notes!”

“Damn! Ten minutes earlier. I’d have been right there… if I hadn’t missed my train.”

Ray almost never missed the 6:46, but the very next day, when he stopped to sip his coffee instead of slopping it down the front of his fresh white shirt, the doors closed in his face.

“This is getting to be a habit.”

On 42^nd…finally, through the crowd, he saw the back of Madonna’s head as she got into her limo with some guy. When Ray heard she was looking for her biggest fan on the street to take on-stage that night for a special song she wrote, he shook his head. No one was a bigger Madonna fan than Ray. Knew the words to every song she ever wrote, sang or danced to. That should have been him.

“Twice! Just two times I miss my train and I’m odd man out. I never miss my train!”

Ray was five minutes early the next day. He wasn’t going to miss his 6:46 and let life pass him by again. “You let grass grow under your feet and you miss all the stuff that coulda been yours. Not today!” he vowed. “Not today.”

And he was right.

An ambulance and three police cars were screaming to the scene. “What’s going on?” asked a woman who was late arriving because she had just missed the 6:46.

“Guy just got crushed by a piano that flew off that truck over there when it was smashed by a semi. Poor bastard! He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

It's better to be lucky than good... unless you are that New York guy

2010-07-17T18:02:00.001-04:00

... And I can prove it.

How many lottery tickets have you bought in your life? Me, perhaps less than 10... but then I'm a cynic, remember. However, I still didn't win. And you? Ever win a million bucks? A thousand? A hundred? A free ticket?

Well, a Texas woman, who may also be good, is pretty lucky. She just won $10 million with a state lottery scratch-off ticket. But, you say, doesn't almost everybody win $10 million once in a while? At least, that's what the lottery ads seem to suggest. Sure... I grant you that. Probably almost everyone wins a million now and then.

But this same woman also won $5.4 million in a 1993 lottery. Wow! That's something...

...and she won $2 million with a scratch-off card in 2006...

... And, oh yeah, she won $3 million same way in 2008.

So she won $20.4 million with four separate winning tickets. What was not revealed is how much she spent to win those bucks... but I'm still thinking, taxes and all, she did as well as the average salary of four Boston Red Sox players this year... and she doesn't even have a good arm.

Now for the unlucky side of the coin: It is a known fact that in New York City, a person is hit by a car on the average of once every 67 minutes. City officials are scouring the streets to find that poor soul and get him the-hell-off-the-street!

Reminds me of a story...

2010-07-12T20:44:00.003-04:00

REAL NEWS: An experimental solar-powered aircraft proved it could stay aloft, through the night, for 24 straight hours using only solar power. Wow! (Disclosure: no gas was harmed in the making of this flight.) Imagine... the sun, an unexhaustable energy source (as long as there is life on earth) creating hypothetically, a never-ending scenario... a plane that could fly forever.

This reminded me, in some perverse way, of Icarus, the character in Greek mythology. Against his father's warning, he flew too close to the sun with wings he made of wax. (Who makes wax wings these days?) The wings melted (proving dads are always right) and Icarus fell to his death. (The sun giveth and the sun taketh away--get it?) Well, that was then--and a legend at that--but this is now... and it is real.

The glider-like plane with 12,000 solar panels on its 207-foot wingspan to recharge its batteries as it flew, proved it could, theoretically, stay aloft indefinitely! Kind of like something scientists have believed was impossible... a perpetual motion machine.

Reminds me of a story:

On a trans-Atlantic flight in a four-engine jet, one of the engines failed. The captain quickly told the passengers:

"Ladies and gentlemen. We have just 'lost' one of our engines. I want to assure you that this plane can easily fly on three engines. This will, however, slow us down and we will now land 30 minutes late."

Shortly after, another engine quit and the pilot announced, "Sorry to inform you that we have 'lost' another engine. Not to worry. We can easily fly on. We will, however, now be an hour late at the gate."

After some trepidation in the cabin as the flight grew later and later, a third engine quit. The pilot quickly reassured the passengers: "I has happened again. It is unusual but we can fly on, though we will now be two hours late."

One passenger disgustedly lean to his seat partner and grumbled, "If that other damn engine goes, we could be up here all night."

More crash blossoms

2010-07-08T18:57:00.003-04:00

What is a crash blossom? A mis-written or misunderstood headline that, when read one way, gives an entirely wrong--but often, funny-- impression of what the story is all about. The term comes from a headline following an aircraft crash. It read, "Violinist Linked to JAL Crash Blossoms.” See what I mean? Today's crash blossoms:

"Beauty Queen Unveils Bust at Dedication Ceremony"
"Dismemberment Killer Convicted: Thank God Jury Could Put Pieces Together"
"Reagan To Have Tissue Removed From Nose"
"Robber Holds Up Albert's Hosiery"
Study: Those Without Insurance Die More Often"
"Tick-Borne Illness Known to Affect Dogs Found In Humans"
"Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty"
"Voter Fears Alert Politicians"
"Defendant's Speech Ends In Long Sentence"
"Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies"
"Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms"
"Washington County Sheriff's Deputy Shoots, Kills Man With knife"
"NV Senator Leaves Message to Rape Victim's Sister"

And check out these want ads. Who says only professional people get to have fun:

For more of this silly stuff, see my blog post of April 23, 2010 and have more fun.