"Please listen carefully as our menu has recently changed.": Customer service or customer disservice, that is the question. AND, A PROMISE that the most valuable information you may ever receive is the last sentence of this blogpost.

 

Thank you Scott Adams for Dilbert which helps to vent our frustrations.

The blessing, however, is that it is more often a parody of our frustrations rather than 'every single time.' But hey, it happens.

Last week I listened to "... our menu may have changed" through three sets before I got a crack at a real person. At last!

"Our agents are presently helping other customers. Your call is important to us and we will be with you as soon as possible." .... pause, then a very pleasant machine voice tells me "... an agent will be with you in (pause) 3 hours and 40 minutes. You can leave your number and we will call you back. You will not lose your place in line." 

As I said, that was last week so I am expecting that call... let's see... (checking my watch)... any minute now. Really.

Business must have been so good they were just too busy to call back. 

Aaargg!

Then there are those calls that come with a warm, real voice that try to have a pleasant, understanding, helpful conversation and get it right. Thank God, life can be more real at times.

Amazon, the biggest company in the world, may not do everything right (and they don't) but it's success is built on getting more right, from a consumer standpoint. Almost nothing from Amazon involves a phone call, which is not perfect, but we do build up a resistance against customer service that often isn't and the commitment of time. Time is not money. It is much more valuable.

Oh, lest I forget those robo calls that happen at dinner time or any time... they are different than consumer service of course, but somewhat in the same vein of how the phone reorders our lives, and in this case, our time AND money.

I'm sure my 14-year-old car might have an expired warranty but I can live with that. And I don't regret that I could "... already be a winner," many times over if I had just paid attention to what was being offered.

Don't you wonder how much time and effort it must take to scam us one way or another? Here's a really terrific piece from the AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) Bulletin on scammers and how they operate. It is the very best real life story of 'them' that I have ever read and a most compelling read:

Lessons from inside the Fraud Factory: We Witnessed International Phone Scammers In Action. What we Saw Will Both Terrify You And Help Keep You andYour Money Safe and Secure. 

Remember IBM'S Watson, the best darn computer who ever won on Jeopardy?

What ever happened to him/her/it? Is Watson (called he for ease of writing) perhaps just a dejected, down-on-his-luck blue bucket of bolts (or whatever those things are) who has already had his 15 minutes of fame... perhaps now homeless and broke, a helpless oilaholic who holds a sign on the freeway ramp that says "Will compute for data."

Well, not exactly. Watson, with his incredible memory bank and quick-as-a-wink buzzer response, has held a job in the medical field these past few years helping clinicians diagnose ailments... and then, finding financial products for bankers to recommend. He sounds like my Uncle Gus who flitted from job to job too.

Emma Watson

You should know that Watson comes from a good family. His mother board, if I have this straight, is the famous and attractive Emma Watson of Harry Potter fame. That's where he gets his good looks.

And, as age is no barrier in computerdom and all pairings are merged across the internet, his father board is the brilliant Dr. Watson who, many say, is the brains behind Sherlock Holmes. Watson always pushed Holmes to the front because taller men always make a better first impression.

Dr. Watson

With programing like this, you would know that IBM's Watson would find his true calling and be brilliant. He has and he is.  Watson is now a top notch customer service person... you know, like the one who answers when you, angry or frustrated, call 800-what's your beef.  He answers in a voice that sounds like it may come from India (to instill confidence). Watson actually has many dialects and can tell a mean Irish joke as if it was Paddy O'Malley himself... "Two Irishmen and a horse go into a bar, you see..." Indian jokes are not funny.

IBM Watson is patient, understanding and knowledgeable, He knows all the necessary things to fulfill any consumer need. He has but one teensy-weensy flaw... Because he was made for Jeopardy, you must first give Watson the answer and he will respond in the form of a question.

So you call that 800 number and say: "Hello. I first remove the outer shell, being careful to unplug my toaster before I start. Then I unscrew heating element A and check the fuse. If the fuse is broken, I go to my hardware store and buy 1 (one) AA3, toaster-type replaceable fuse, install it in slot c and reassemble. If, when I try my toaster, it blows the circuit that powers my father's iron lung, I will then turn on the auxiliary power source before the iron lung shuts down, then re-install the fuse correctly, switch the power on again, put the toaster back together and I'm set for many more years of satisfying toast."

Watson's first child

And Watson smartly says: How do I fix my x*&%# stupid Burnalot Toaster if it won't make toast?"

So you see, problem solved. Or, as C-3PO would say: "We're doomed."


PS: True story... about Watson, that is.
Just a few boring details left out. And that 
India thing... everyone knows Indian jokes are real killers.