More proof: It's really nuts out there...

Granddaughter's 9th birthday is coming up. She LOVES dogs, arctic foxes, anything that swims,  slithers, has four legs, is cute, cuddly, bites (softly), etc. None of this nurse stuff, she's going to be a vet. So we mail-ordered for her, among other things, a packet of eight dog pencils we saw on-line. Cost: $2.95 plus about a million dollars for postage/handling, etc. Hmmm... that seemed kinda high, but heck, she's our granddaughter, and she will love the pencils, so ok.

Two days later, UPS leaves a box at our front door. "Honey, did we order a new set of encyclopedias, A-through-Ma ?"

Yep. That was the size of the box... except it was really very light. Inside were 4 yards of that plastic, softly inflated 'packing cushion' stuff... and, of course, the pencils--that's all... just the four ounces of pencils, taped to the bottom. At least now, I can understand the high cost of  postage/handling.

Not nuts enough for you? How about the gang of robbers trying to blow open a German ATM machine? A few explosives here, a few explosives there... that should do it.

Well, the blast destroyed the entire bank building (except for the safe) and damaged cars a football field away. When the dust had settled, the building was nothing but a pile of bricks and the landscape looked like a war zone. Only thing still standing was the completely intact ATM machine. Whoops. My bad!


A man, trying to shoplift soothing skin lotion, was "noticed" by a female security office because of  the rather large bulges in his pants which were tied off at the ankles. (Is that skin lotion or are you just happy to see me?) He had 75 bottles--that's a lot of aloe-- stuffed below his belt... so many that the police couldn't fit him into the squad car because, like the Michelin Man, he couldn't bend over.

Three adjacent stories in The Week magazine: Rep. Mark Souder, an outspoken evangelistic Christian advocate of abstinence before marriage, resigned from Congress after admitting to an extramarital affair with a staffer. An Alabama high school teacher was suspended after assigning his students to, 'hypothetically,' plan the assassination of President Barack Obama as a way to teach angles to his geometry students. Connecticut's attorney general, Richard Blumenthal was thrown a curve ball in his campaign to win a senate seat. Seems he remembered what it was like to serve in Vietnam and recalled "the taunts, the insults, even the physical abuse (inflicted on veterans ) when we returned." Fact is, Blumenthal received five draft deferments before joining the Marine Corps Reserve and never saw action overseas. To his credit, he took full responsibility for "a few misplaced words." Atta way sport. Got to admire a man who takes responsibility for his actions... when he is caught with his mouth open.

That Rhode Island school board is tough. It suspended an 8-year-old second-grader because he glued toy soldiers to his hat for a patriotic-themed class project. Seems the tiny soldiers were carrying even tinier guns which was in clear violation of the school's "zero-tolerance for weapons" policy.

And as final, undeniable proof that it really is nuts out there, in the year 2000, television carried 4 reality TV shows... just 4. Ten years later, we can 'enjoy' 320 of them on many channels, almost always. Remember America, you asked for it.

Dumb crooks, Stupid sounding lawsuits, etc.

"The Human Blockhead," a circus sideshow performer who made a living hammering nails into his nostrils, was sent to prison for killing his abusive stepfather, "The Claw-Handed Lobster Boy." That's show biz, I suppose.

A Utah man sued and was awarded $267 in damages to his car from a couple who had sex on the hood and dented it in.

Prisoners have rights too, you know. One sued another con, the prison barber, for a bad haircut. Another sued the prison over the use of white towels instead of beige. See what happens if you have too much time on your hands.

As police were chasing a fleeing suspect, he began throwing away handfuls of cocaine he had stuffed in his pants. In his haste though, the suspect accidentally unhooked his pants and they fell to his ankles. I guess you could say he was on a cocaine trip, literally and figuratively.

A lonely guy from Michigan pleaded guilty to having sex with a car wash vacuum cleaner. Well that sucks.

A Virginian was convicted of second degree murder in the hatchet slaying of his mother-in-law. He says he mistook her for a raccoon.

A lady, standing on a subway platform holding a neatly wrapped package, was jostled by a man who ripped it from her hand and raced away, laughing triumphantly. The victim was quoted in the newspaper: "Of course, I had to bring a new stool sample the next day."

Enough of this for now.

The Blotter...

Creative Loafing, a free weekly Atlanta 'entertainment and happenings' newspaper, has a column called "The Blotter." It features, word for word, police calls in the area. Of course, it only reports on the bizarre and unusual... for after all, that makes for the best reading. Of late:

Police got a call that a man was carrying the drawer of a filing cabinet down Dobbs, cracking it against the windows of cars. When an officer approached the man, he dropped the drawer and ran. Upon investigation, police revealed that it was the A-F drawer from a business in Birmingham, AL.

Police say they saw a 45-year-old man urinating on an ATM machine on the corner of Peachtree and North Avenue.

A woman on Lenox Road called police and told them that she saw a man standing on a street corner near a bus stop with his erect penis pointing toward the street.

Responding to a report of a man blocking the wheelchair access ramp leading to a MARTA station, police gave him five chances to move, but he refused, so he was arrested. He gave his name as Mr Timbuctoo. However, his driver's license showed that his name is not Mr. Timbuctoo. He was charded with disorderly conduct and giving a false name.

A 29-year-old woman said she went to the mall with a friend named 'Mike,' whom she met about a week ago. The woman said she withdrew $300 from a bank and put it in her purse - she planned to buy a dog . Then, she said she left her purse with Mike in his car while she shopped. (Note: She does not know Mike's last name.) She said she returned about 15 minutes later - but Mike and his car were gone. She told police she called Mike's cell phone, but he didn't answer. About an hour later, the same woman called police and said she found her purse at the International House of Pancakes - but her $300 is missing and she still hasn't heard from Mike.

Well, now that you mention it...

When police stopped a guy for running a red light, they asked him if he knew why he was being pulled over. "Could it be for stealing this car?" he asked. Well, now that you mentioned it...

And yes, not at all related, but now that I mention it, my story, "23 Down" has been accepted and will be published on April 29th at everydayfiction.com , thank you.

Best excuses I heard so far

Picture this: It's about 3 am. You are asleep in bed with your wife--just the two of you. Then you feel someone cuddling you from behind. As you awake, you see our wife in front of you, fast asleep. It's not her. What would you do? Well, our man jumped up, grabbed his handgun and turned on the light. He was astounded to see a young woman he had never seen before. She said, "Steve told me to come here and wait for him."

Elsewhere, a woman accused of stealing $70,000 from her church, allegedly told detectives, "Satan had a big part in the theft."

Both perfectly understandable. It really is nuts out there.

Color of the day

Police had little problem tracking down one shoplifter recently. He wore a yellow shirt with a yellow tie and yellow pants with matching yellow shoes and socks. He 'lifted' a big box of yellow candy Easter eggs, yellow mustard and yellow cheese and, oh yes, three extra pair of yellow socks and two pair of yellow underpants. Hmmm! The man seems to have a bigger problem than shoplifting. Hope Ronald McDonald has a good alibi.

Another 'brilliant criminal mind' asked the convenience store clerk to "hand over all the money in the cash register." As the clerk anxiously spun around to comply, she accidentally hit the cash register and knocked it on the crooks' toe. End of caper. End of toe.

Hard to beat the hijackers of a large truck, though. While they didn't know what was in the truck, they soon learned they had cornered the market in toilet seats and bed pans.

But wait. One more... the New Jersey women who was caught shoplifting $227 worth of razor blades and two tubes of hemorrhoid medication. I really don't want to know what that was all about.

Hey, I told you... It's nuts out there.

How can you not like dumb crooks?

Guy in Indiana was not responding to his girlfriend when she asked him a question... so she dropped his bowling ball on his head... twice! Why twice? Well, duh... she had to pick up the spare.

A man with multiple arrests and convictions tried again to rob a bank. He pushed a note to the teller saying "This is an up." The teller said, "Huh?" But wait: Before the judge, he was asked to write, "This is a stick-up" 10 times so officials could compare the handwriting. He wrote, 10 times in a row, "This is an up."

A good citizen/motorist called 9-1-1 to report that the truck in front of him was swerving all over the road. When police arrived, they determined it wasn't the truck that was swerving, it was our good citizen/DUI driver.

And, in honor of Friday the 13th:

First Dumb Crook: The cops are coming. Let's jump out the window.
Second DC: But we're on the 13th floor.
First DC: This is no time to be superstitious.

It's that smoking thing again...

A while back, a true believer decided to put her unofficial "Do not smoke... EVER... or else!" campaign to the test. When she saw a man smoking outside the foyer of her building, she gave him a shy smile and motioned him in. The man, somewhat flattered, entered with his lit cigarette. Our demure vigilante jumped to action.

"Cigarettes can damage your health," she screamed... "and here's how." She hit him on the head with a copper tea trivet, pulled his shirt through the sleeve of his jacket (I saw a magician do that once), then repeatedly stabbed him with a carving knife. She apparently showed some compassion stopping short of a 'full wedgie.'

As police tried to calm her, suggesting she may have been too 'up-tight' about the whole thing, she yelled, "I WAS A 40-A-DAY PERSON. I'VE DONE VERY WELL WITHOUT THEM. DO I LOOK TENSE!?"

Though unreported, the surprised victim probably asked, "You call that foreplay?"

More laughs with dumb crooks

According to an article, 'How not to rob a bank,' that appeared in a 1987 edition of The Old Farmers' Almanac, dumb crooks are apparently born, not made. For example:

At that time, 76 percent of bank robbers used no disguise, 86 percent never 'case' the bank they rob and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Now these numbers may be different today but the trend, no doubt, persists. Helpful 'suggestions' to would-be robbers:

Pick the right bank-- one robber tried to 'hit' a bank that was out of business and had no money. Another went to the bank his family used and ran into his mother.

Approach the right teller-- when given a hold-up-note, this teller leaped over the counter, wrestled the would-be robber to the ground and sat on him til police arrived.

Don't sign your hold-up note-- or write it on the back of your check or any envelope that has your name on it, for that matter.

Don't use vegetables-- a New York man tried to hold-up a bank with a zucchini, when perhaps a banana could have worked just as well.

Don't be too specific-- example: "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties." The teller said she had only two twenties, so the robber took them and he left.

Provide your own transportation-- don't count on a taxi, a bus or the car you took from the teller for your get-a-way. All have been tried and they didn't work.

Watch the exploding red dye packets-- and, for God's sake, if you insist on taking a wad of booby-trapped bills, don't stuff them down your crotch.

To all would-be bank robbers... avoid all of these 'no-nos' and don't let anyone tell you that you aren't smart enough to make up your own mistakes. You definitely are.

Curious George, eat your heart out.

If you have children and/or grandchildren, you know Curious George, the little monkey from Africa that lives with his friend, the man in the yellow hat. You have to wonder, though, if George could have done better. 

Florida police were looking for a shoplifter who was described as wearing a yellow shirt, yellow trousers and a yellow tie. He allegedly stole a dozen yellow Scotch eggs, yellow jellies, yellow mustard, yellow cheese, three pair of yellow socks and two pair of yellow underpants. His favorite color? Blue would be a bad guess. 

In New York, a woman shoplifter took $300 worth of razor blades and hemorrhoid medication. Why would she do something like this? I don't care and I certainly don't want to know.

Last winter, two New Jersey guys hijacked a truck filled with toilet seats and bed pans. Hope they get the opposite of the electric chair--'the cold seat.' (Get it?)

And while we are on the subject, don't rule out the person who shot his brother for using six of his eight rolls of toilet paper in two days. Don't ask.

Think I made these up? I'm not that imaginative.

Remember that episode of M.A.S.H...

... the one where Hunnicutt, on a medical trip to Japan, had a suit custom made? He talked about his pin-striped suit and its incredible bargain price the whole show. Hawkeye was jealous, to say nothing about Frank. The suit. The suit. The episode created high expectations of this incredible suit, custom made to Hunnicutt's exact measurements, for an unbelievably low price. Well, the show ended and as the credits rolled, Hunnicutt hollered from the next room that his suit had come. When he walked onto the final set, the crew just 'broke up' from laughter... real, tears-rolling- down-your-face laughter. Hunnicutt's incredible, custom-made pin striped suit was sewn with the stripes running horizontal. And it was funny.

Elsewhere, a real tailor was robbed by a dumb crook who took his money and ran. Police have a pretty good description of the guy. He is five feet, nine inches tall, weighs  165 pounds, has a 14 1/2-inch neck, 19-inch shoulders, 39-inch chest, 34-inch waist and 41-inches at the hip. Seems the crook let the tailor measure him for a suit before he pulled his gun.

Wasilla...the name rings a bell

I'm was sure I had heard of Wasilla before John McCain made Sarah Palin his running mate. Then I remembered.  A few years back, a Wasilla resident came home one night and saw a strange car parked in his driveway. Suspecting a 'breaking and entering' in progress, he took his shotgun (which was handy) and blasted all four tires. In Wasilla, they are pretty mavericky, you may recall. Then he called the police.  Before they got there, his best friend ran out of the house to see what the hell was going on... only to find his new car, which he had brought over to show his buddy, was sitting a little low these days.