Laugh and the world laughs with you...

... or thinks you are some kind of a weirdo.

These gems are actual headlines from newspapers around the country and they were written in all seriousness... but they just came out wrong. (Then more about the weird headlines I used to write.

Headline gems:

• Include your children when baking cookies
• Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
• police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
• Drunks get nine months in violin case
• Iraqi head seeks arms
• Is there a ring of debris around Uranus? (personal favorite)
• Would-be women priests appeal to pope
  
• Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over
• Teacher strikes idle kids
• Clinton wins budget; more lies ahead
• Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
• Miners refuse to work after death
• Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
• Stolen painting found by tree
• Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout line
• War dims hope for peace
• If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
• Couple slain; police suspect homicide
• Man struck by lightning faces battery charge
• New study of obesity looks for large test group
• Astronaut takes blame for gas in space
• Kids make nutritious snacks
• Local high school dropouts cut in half
• Typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead

Now comes the fun part... about me and my goofy "on purpose" headlines:

My dream job in high school was to write sports stories for the local newspaper. The miracle happened when a friend told me that the newspaper was looking for someone who could write to help the sports department on Friday and Saturday evenings. Seems that's when all the high school teams played and the sports desk didn't have near enough people to cover those events.

So I applied and GOT THE JOB.

It was absolutely above my fondest expectations. When most of the newspaper office staff and the big brass go home at night, a skeleton staff covers the sports news when it happens. And working for a pretty good size newspaper market (when there was such a thing as newspapers) meant those goofs they were funny and crazy) had the place almost all to themselves.

We had office chair races, lit hot foots (hot feet?) on unsuspecting fellow staffers and taunted the obituary editor--the only woman working the late shift who had to be there for those who died after hours--when she had to go to the bathroom. Seltzer bottles and practical jokes were always a moment's notice away. Trade secret: sports writers of that day were just big kids who never grew up.

We answered phones from readers who were looking for prep scores or had sports questions for the experts.

Anyone could be an expert. My first day on the job, I had to answer the multi-line black desk phone. As many lights were blinking, I had to ask a sports desk regular, "How do I answer this?"

He looked at me and said slowly and calmly, "Pick up the receiver, take a deep breath and say 'Hello.' "

I felt indoctrinated and soon began my own free expression advice. I learned that if you didn't know the right answer, neither did the caller, so you made something up. "Who holds the record for the fastest pitch?" (Actually, it was Bob Feller at 96 mph at that time.)

"Ah... that would be Snuffy Waldorf who threw a fastball 173 miles-an-hour in 1926."

"Gee, thanks" an inebriated voice on the other end of the line said. "I owe ya one."

I loved that part-time job-- held it for three years. It soon included covering  most of the high school sports, motorcycle races, the Harlem Globetrotter and whatever. I learned that as a reporter, I was also the 'de facto' official scorer, responsible for getting the line-ups and creating the box score for the game then writing the story that appeared in the next day's paper... with my by-line!

I soon learned there was more to do that just getting the player's last name. At my first game, I forgot to get any player's first name... so when I wrote the story hours later, I made all the first names up.

Yeah, I heard about it from my boss. He read me out and I thought I'd be fired. Then he said "Waldo Schmidt? That's a good one. Don't do this again, ok?"

We also wrote the headlines and those were always the most fun. "Beauty Queen Unveils Bust at Dedication Ceremony" If time permitted, we made writing headlines a group project to see who could come up with the goofiest headline. "Reagan To Have Tissue Removed From Nose" Yep, we did that. Clever headlines that might have a double meaning scored extra points for the creator. "Robber Holds Up Albert's Hosiery"

But you know, that use to happen sometimes by accident as reporters rushed to beat the newspaper deadline. "Man walks down the street and turns into a bar." Sadly though, those times have passed. Seems today's world is too serious to have fun for fun's sake. "Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty" See what I mean?

Now that you are warmed up, I'll try my favorite writer's joke on you:

A screenwriter comes home to his burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside.  "My God. What happened, honey?" he asks.

"Oh Jerry, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking. The phone rang. It was your agent.  Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove was on fire. The house went up in a second. Everything is gone! I nearly didn't make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is..."

"Wait. Wait!" the man says. "Back up a minute. My agent called?"

Laugh and the world laughs with you...

Interesting stuff where relevance doesn't matter

 Just learned fact: It is possible to survive being swallowed by a whale... but the gastric acids will absolutely wreck your complexion," according to author Philip Hoare in his award-winning novel, The Whale.

This changes everything! Pinocchio was REAL! You THE MAN, Geppetto!

A Delaware man is suing a New York strip club... not because he didn't have a good time... but because he just can't remember if he did or not. Seems he entered the club, had two alcoholic beverages and was taken to a private room with his very own lap dancer. The part he can't remember is what happened in that room for the next 90 minutes. He does, however, suspect it must have been very, very 'special'... his credit card showed a $21,620.50 charge.

Those Bulgarians... they know which side their pepper is buttered on. In a recent country-wide survey, the "chushkopek" was voted as the most revolutionary household advance of the 20th century, beating out electricity, television and the cell phone. What is this incredible advancement, you may ask. It is a kitchen appliance (left) that will roast up to seven peppers at a time! As they say in Bulgaria, "Ay ay chihuahua!" ... or is that Italian?


A New York woman has filed a discrimination claim against her supervisor at the Jewish Theological Seminary. She says he frequently "breaks wind," releasing "constant barrages of... flatulence" in her work area.  Honestly, a secular person wouldn't do that... would he?


A short time ago, Giants Stadium in East Rutherford was demolished. It was home to the NFL's New York Giants and New York Jets... in New Jersey, of all places.  Of course, a newer, bigger, more awe-inspiring stadium is being built... not really because the 34-year-old older version failed to serve but because the new one will allow for higher ticket prices, more of those ultra-luxurious, more expensive corporate sky boxes, and most important, more revenue for the owners. But personally, I'm disappointed... not because of any of the above, since none of it will come from me, but because the wrecking crew didn't find the body of Jimmy Hoffa so we could give him a decent burial.

Note: three of these five items involve New York. Honestly Gotham, haven't you guys got anything better to do?

World record!

Actor Warren Beatty has had affairs with Diane Keaton, Leslie Caron, Julie Christie, Joan Collins, Natalie Wood, Madonna, Liv Ullmann, Twiggy, Mary Tyler Moore, Jane Fonda... and a lot more really big notables, according to biographer Peter Biskind in his new book, Star: How Warren Beatty Seduced America... enough for a very impressive life, if that's how score is kept.

But, at almost 73, does he remember who has a dimple here, a tattoo there, a birthmark in some funny place? If so, how does he keep the details straight? Well, he probably doesn't... because this new autobiography calculates he has had affairs with 12,775 women... enough to fill New York's Radio City Music Hall (right) --twice... not counting the Rockettes, of course.... and the daytime quickies, drive-bys, casual gropings and stolen kisses were not included in this number! (I didn't make that up.) 

World Record? I hardly think so.

How could you forget one of the most famous basketball players of all time, Wilt Chamberlain? Sure, Wilt scored 100 points in an NBA game once but, according to his count, that hardly measured up to the 20,000 women he said he 'scored' before he died at age 64. (To add scope to that stat, if the number 20,000 represented days, that would be almost 55 years... so Wilt must have been a very busy man. He was, by the way, a lifelong bachelor, which is understandable since he certainly wouldn't have had time for a wife.)

"The point of using the number," Wilt said, "was to show that sex was a great part of my life as basketball was a great part of my life." I guess! He also said, "With all of you men out there who think that having a thousand different ladies is pretty cool, I have learned in my life... that having one woman a thousand different times is much more satisfying." And who of us mere mortals could know enough to deny that? Wilt is probably one of the very few to speak from experience... oh, and Warren.

Ted Williams' head... and other stuff

In reviewing all the happenings in sports over the past decade, perhaps the strangest is the 2002 headline: Ted Williams Dies. Head Frozen. What an ignoble end for perhaps baseball's all-time greatest hitter who, twice in his career, took time off and, as a Marine pilot, become a World War II hero. The Splendid Splinter, or Ted, as I like to call him, was the last man to bat .400 in 1941. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but Ted died in 2002 at age 83.

Now here's where the weird part comes in. Ted wanted his body frozen so that many years down the line, when science comes up with a way to cure "old age," Ted could be brought back from his state of er, brittleness, and live again... perhaps even bat .400 once more. Let me tell you right now... ain't gonna happen.

You see, even when technology allows (wink, wink,) word has it that someone at the cryogenic plant bashed (perhaps accidentally--benefit of the doubt) a wrench into his frozen head, which had been perhaps accidentally separated from his body. Poor Ted. Post death, he could see the stitches on a baseball pitched to him at 100-mph. Now, he didn't even see this coming.

Among other bizarre sports happenings, the U.S. mens basketball team finished SIXTH in the '02 world championships on its home court in Indianapolis! So much for world dominance there.

Fan turned villain, Steve Bartman reached for an almost-in-play foul ball at one of the rare Cub post-season games and probably cost those lovable losers their first-- and perhaps only-- shot at the World Series in my lifetime. And to rub it in even more, Boston won.

Pro quarterback Michael Vick killed dogs. NBA referee Tim Donaghy bet on games he officiated. And  hundreds of major league baseball players were caught, or thought to use performance enhancing illegal steroids, setting records that some believed were unbreakable  (except for Cub favorite Sammy Sosa, who spoke poor English and no doubt, didn't understand the situation). Yes, it was the birth of the footnote in the record books: "Asterisk denotes records broken by cheaters."

Oh yeah, The Detroit Lions had their first perfect season, 0-16, about the same time all the auto plants in the neighborhood bet their shirts on a Super Bowl... and lost, big time. And a Dallas high school girls basketball team won a game 100 to nothing, once again proving a good defense is hard to beat.

Thank God we still have that bastion of honor sports, golf. Whoops. Scratch that.

Be a sport!

In the premier event in the world's most popular sport, the French team qualified for the World Cup finals. (Yes, the sport is something the rest of the world calls football but we in the USA call it soccer.) How did the French beat the Irish for this most coveted berth in the World Cup finals? They cheated, that's how. The captain of the French team purposely and admittedly used his hand to deflect the ball which lead to a deciding score.

Everyone but the referee saw the infraction. It was  played and replayed in the world's media... especially in Ireland, the victim country. Everyone agrees (including the Federation Internationale de Football Association or, FIFA) that it was not fair, not legal and not right. The French are embarrassed and, from what I read, almost ashamed... "Qualifying for the finals through a foul, violating the spirit of the sport--it almost makes us lower our heads in shame."  The key word here is "almost." They are not ashamed, but almost ashamed.

The official ruling: Nada. Nothing. Or nil, as they say in soccer...er football. The worst of the outcome though might be what the French team captain and cheater, Thierry Henry said: "I will be honest, it was a handball. But I'm not the referee. I played it, the referee allowed it. That's a question you should ask him." In other words, it wasn't my fault. If the referee didn't see it and call it, then it didn't happen, right?

Oh, soccer isn't alone in the world of cheating. This is just the latest good example of a bad example.

It has long been admired by fans as a "good play" if an athlete can fool the referee, or umpire. In baseball and football, a player who 'traps' a ball that has bounced on the turf tries to make it look like a great catch. How about the cagey pitchers who throw a 'spitter' or 'rough up the ball with a hidden emery board or piece of sandpaper. (Some of these guys are in the Hall of Fame.) Do hitters cork bats or is Sammy Sousa just darned good? A basketball player that 'flops' to dupe the ref into a call is cheered by the fans if it works. This is especially true in the NBA which is why some of those games start to resemble pro wrestling.  

Don't even get me started on steroids or other performance enhancing drugs. I guess the best way we neatly handle it is to put an asterisk beside the records those guys have broken.

Next thing you know, they will be trying to tie a tin can around Tiger Woods' tail when all the poor guy ever did was make a diaper run at 2:45 am and accidentally brush a fire hydrant and tree. What will they dream of next?

OK, so that's a little sarcastic. But don't we deserve some honor in our sports... and in our world? I'm more than a little tired of reading every day about people in sports who cheat, lie, justify bizarre actions and want to be called role models... and that goes double for politicians and hungry millionaires too. Aren't you?

Say it ain't so, guys. Or since you can't do that, why do we continue to be the saps who pay to see them play or re-elect them. Maybe we are the problem.

World Record and other stuff

World Record: Matthew Mitnitsky has done it! He vowed "to bring the meatball back to the East Coast," and he did! Now, when you walk into Nonni's Italian Eatery in Concord, NH and order spaghetti with meat ball, you'd better be specific. Which meat ball?

Mitnitsky's giant meatball weighed in at 222.5 lbs, blasting the old record of 202 lbs to pasta-fasulli heaven. I guess the logical question would be, "Do I get bread sticks with that?"

Nice going Matthew! I guess we showed those Mexicans (who held the world record just five months ago) and Jimmy Kimmel (who beat the Mexicans last month) a thing or two. One of these days, maybe we will have AN ITALIAN breaking the meatball record, as it should be. You don't see an O'Leary holding the record for world's biggest taco, do you... or Mama Mia holding the sauerkraut title?

Other Stuff: If you are not familiar with the Bulwer-Lytton contest (run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University), you should be ashamed of yourself. Annually, the contest seeks to find the worst opening line of a novel, were one to be written with this line. Among the recent submissions:

• "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."

• "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.' "

• "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gasping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!' "

And finally: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulders so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all, was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Sometimes, it's hard to believe what you read...

One of my favorite magazines, The Week, is published 50 times a year. It was originally founded in the U.K which may explain a really interesting coverage of a broad range of our weekly happenings... often including odd and... er, 'different' tidbits. For example:

"A Florida man has failed to win compensation for a 'defective' pair of underwear. Albert Freed, 62, claims that over a two-week vacation in Hawaii, the fly flap of his briefs rubbed his genitals like 'sandpaper belts.' Asked by a judge why he didn't notice sooner, the 285-pound Freed said he cannot see his own genitals, and he didn't ask his wife to look because it might 'ruin her vacation.'

See what I mean?

That same issue also noted a pretty difficult golf course in Australia. The PGA holds most of its tournaments on courses that measure over 7,000 yards long. This course, a par 71, plays 850 miles long (yep!). And as you may have guessed, it is not designed for walking. Some holes are 50 miles apart as the course broadly navigates the desolate Australian Outback. It usually takes three to four days to complete a round. And, I might guess, the 19th hole would add another 50-60 miles.

"Honey, I'm going golfing with the guys. Be back about Thursday."

Spontaneous combustion and other weird stuff

Spontaneous combustion, parts 1 and 2:

1) In Jordan "a flock of sheep burst into flames and virtually disappeared in front of their startled shepherd," reports The Week magazine. Geologists explained that the sheep were apparently saturated with methane from a nearby sewage plant and were ignited by a spark. Oh, that explains everything.

"There is no need to panic," the frightened Jordanians were told. .. unless, of course, you are a sheep.

2) 'Entertainer' Amy Winehouse checked herself into a London clinic because she feared her new, $50,000 breasts might explode. "I need to see someone. My boobs are f---ing killing me."

Other weird stuff, 3 thru 6:

3) Ozzie Osborn just passed his driving test... after 18 prior failures.

4) In Gaza, the owner of a petting zoo painted stripes on his donkeys and told delighted children they were zebras.

5) Most popular Halloween costume this year? The Bernie Madoff mask . Wear it and toss hundreds of fake dollar bills all over the place. What ever happened to Snow White and Batman?

6) Finally, The Week magazine posted this contest to its readers: With some environmentalists campaigning against super-soft toilet paper because its extra-cushy fibers come from old-growth trees, we asked you to predict the name of the most environmentally friendly TP possible.

The winning name: I Can't Believe It's Not Sandpaper!

22 and counting...

Two posts ago (scroll down), I mentioned the death of the world's oldest person. She was 115. Well, I thought that would be hard to top. WRONG!

Wok Kundor (I'm guessing she is not Irish) is a 107-year-old Malaysian woman (See, I told you she wasn't Irish) who is concerned her husband, a kid of 37, may be seeing other women. And Wok has the experience to know. This current four-year marriage is her 22nd! Makes Tommy Manville, who was married a mere 13 times, look like a piker.

Not one to let grass grow under her feet, Wok may divorce her current O.A.O. (one and only) and move on. She has a sprightly 50-year-old in mind. "My intention to remarry is to fill my forlornness," she said. "I realize that I am an aged woman. I don't have the body nor am I a young woman who can attract anyone," she acknowledged. (I saw her picture. I concur!) But, according to 22 husbands to date, she has a wonderful personality.

Wok won't discuss past relationships or children. Maybe at 107, she can't remember them.

More proof!

You think it isn't nuts out there? Well, read more from these actual items that appeared in print.

From a column: One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers.

News bit: A deputy responded to a report of a vehicle stopping at mail boxes. It was the mailman.

Item: Army vehicle disappears...An Australian Army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.

Theft: A woman in the 1900 block of Lane Northeast reported that someone must have stolen her mail because she did not receive birthday cards from some of her friends.

Headline: Fish need water, Feds say.

Ad: Get 50% off... or half price, whichever is less.

Item: Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25.

Question of the day: Q. What constitutes a millionaire? A. A millionaire is someone who has $1 million, according to Mr. Blank, branch manager and senior vice president of investments at AG Edwards and Sons.

News: Federal agents raid gun shop, find weapons.

Item: County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds.

Headline: Utah poison control center reminds everyone not to take poison.

News: Crack found in man's buttocks.

Item: A caller reported at 7:14 pm that someone was on a porch yelling "Help." Officers responded and learned the person was calling a cat that is named "Help."

Police report: 1:33 pm., Sonora--A man came to the Sheriff's Department to "find out how to legally kill" a person who was harassing him.

Report: An Edgewood man reported recently that his wife had gone missing some 18 months ago.

News: Police checking the area found an open door in the back of the building. An officer went inside and called out, "Marco." Police found the suspect after he responded, "Polo."

Ad: Full size mattress. Royal Tonic, 20 year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell. $40.

Wanted: Someone to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. PO Box 322, Oakview, CA. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.

China Cabinet: Buffet, hutch solid pine. 6.5 tall x 4.5 wide. Lighted windows. Few cat scratches but cat has been killed. $700.

For Sale: Turkey. Partially eaten. Only eight days old. Both drumsticks still intact. $23.

Classified: 1995 Nissan Maxima, green, leather, loaded, CD, auto start, sunroof, 4-door, good condition, $4500. Not for sale

Burglary report: A 38-year-old Cole Avenue man reported that his home was invaded on Sept. 9. The man said that he was sitting home alone masterbating and watching a pornographic movie when a man came down into the basement, hold a gun, and started to vieotape him. The man said that before he left, the intruder fed his dog some nushrooms and the dog died.

Need any more proof than that?