IF I WAS THIS RICH...

 How rich? It has been said that Bill Gates is so rich that if he saw a $100 bill lying on the sidewalk, it would cost him more in the value of his time than to stop and pick it up. That rich.

 How rich? As rich as Scrooge McDuck, the world's richest avian, by far. The depth gauge of his gold coin cache is about 89 feet! That rich.

If I was this rich, I would follow Bill Gates' great example and try to make the world a better place. I would give money to fight diseases that defy solutions. I would give money to help education. I would give money to help the poor. I would try to do so many things that beg for the want of money. And I would feel good.

But I mean, what would I do with my "left over" billions? Bill Gates has said he will leave his children no more than $10 million (OK, that would be pretty good for most of us) instead of leaving them the billions he could. He wants his kids to still have to work for a purpose instead of being given a silver spoon for life. And he will donate the rest of his fortune good works. Who could not admire him for setting such a great example.

So what would I buy... I don't know because I could buy anything. But I know what I WOULDN'T BUY...

I wouldn't buy this... an untitled work of art by Cy Twombly which is part of his "Blackboard Series" because, I suppose, everything looks like a blackboard with scribbling on it. Asking price is "at least $35 million" at auction. On the positive side, it is a delightfully big work. I could afford it of course, but I feel it wouldn't soothe my soul as say, a large chocolate sundae.

I also am pretty sure I wouldn't buy this really nice Moynat Train Bag. It comes with shoulder straps and is cute as the dickins... a steal at $12,930 (plus tax). It could be a great 'man purse' because it was created with Pharnell Williams, who I really like. But it's just not me.

Then there is this really nice Louis Vuitton limited edition punching bag. Now before I tell you the how much it costs, you should know it comes with boxing gloves, a monogrammed mat to stand on when you punch and a carrying case for workouts when on the road. The price is 'about' $175,000. Hmm, the 'about' suggests to me that there may be some haggling room. I haven't punched the bag in person, of course, but if it is as nice as it looks, I wouldn't be surprised to see it in every Gold's Gym in the country.

I know, picky, picky, picky... but if I could buy and sell Donald Trump, it wouldn't be all bad.

Speaking of filth rich or not, did you know that the wealthiest 1% of the people in the USA possess 40% of the nation's wealth... and seriously, bully for them old chap.

And, since 2009, according to the bean counters, 95 % of the economic gains went to that same top 1%.

That helps explain this: If you divide the United States by wealth, the top half represent 99 % of the dollars, the bottom half... you do the math. And that figure is down from 3 percent before our economic 'oopsie.' Actually, 50 million of us (15 %) live below the poverty level which is $23,550 according to Uncle Sam. About 3.5 million of us experience homelessness in a given year.

So, as an American, a firm believer in the Golden Rule and a person with a bothersome conscience, don't you think we should be able to do better than that?

The true story of how I saved the United States economy... and your 'you-know-what!'

Well, I'm usually not one to brag... but what the heck... if it's true, it's true. 

For almost a year now, the sun visor on our Ford truck (passenger side) was missing it's retaining clip--the tiny, one-inch square, gray plastic thingy that holds the visor in place when it is not shielding my wife's eyes from the sun. So for one year, my wife has suffered, with dignity (most of the time) with the visor hanging loosely from its hinge, bouncing willy-nilly over hill and dale (not to be confused with Disney's Chip and Dale), just 'gutting it out.'

I know... who said life was fair?

Every so often, like a woodpecker's gentle but persistent pecking, she would remind me to "get that (insert affectionate pet name for the object) fixed."


So I planned... and schemed... to do it as a special birthday surprise-- not for her birthday but on the one year date of the clip breaking. I went to my friendly Ford dealer and said, quite debonairly I might add, "Order me one of these things and damn the cost!"

"Yes sir. That will be $15.07, cash in advance.

$15.07! Well, if you love your wife like I love mine, you just gulp and do it. Although I do believe that $15.07 might be just a touch steep for a small piece of plastic. I could get three rolls of duct tape for that and absolutely guarantee the sunscreen would be in place forever... and have plenty left for the next dozen projects. But I love my wife, right?

I picked up the preciously priced piece the very next day and secretly began the installation process. (Lest I mess up, I just don't announce things like that to the world, because... well, you know.)

Take plastic piece, which installs with just one tiny screw, and begin the process. Wait. WAIT! Where is the screw?

Call to dealer: "Where is the screw?"

"Sir, the screw does not come standard with the little plastic piece."

"I beg your pardon. I was standardly screwed!"

Miraculously, I found a screw in my trusty toolbox-- the one that holds the screwdriver that looks like a cute AA battery with one end being a cross-type thing and the other, like a straight line, and a nut-holder that was also my pounder-thing.

Sure, the screw was too big, or small or something... but I forced it and, IT WORKED! Job complete in just a little over 2 hours. World record!

My wife was overjoyed... and secretly, so was I. Happy Birthday, truck!

Now I figure... if one small piece of plastic for an insignificant, non-mechanical part of the vehicle costs $15.07 (without the screw), what would my $26,000 vehicle cost to make, part by part, if I ordered everything from my friendly Ford dealer? My guess... maybe $87,356.29, give or take a few screws.

End of story, right? Well, almost.

Weeks later, letting bygones be bygones, I ordered the fancy lug nut cover for the one missing from a front tire, same vehicle. 

"No, problem, sir. These fancy-ish ones only come in sets of 4... and will cost $44.44 (coincidence? I don't think so.)... plus tax. Done! Anyone want to buy three fancy-ish lug nut covers, or should I just throw them, like everything else extra, in the bottom of my tool box forever?

So that is the true story of how I personally helped turn this economy around... and got Ford back on its feet.

I also do other patriotic things to move the economy along. Went to a movie last week and surprised my wife with the Special Senior Saver bushel of popcorn for just $26. And if that sounds high, perhaps you don't realize it comes with free refills. And those big gulp sodas... how do they do it for only $4.95  with free ice--and lots of it, no less?


Viva la economy!

PS: Happy rapture. See you tomorrow... or not.