Hey... wait a Manute!

Manute Bol, the 7 foot-7 inch, 225 lb, "Hey, don't kick sand in my face" drink of water, was one of the first of his kind... a foreign-born big man drafted by the Washington Bullets (now Washington Wizards) in 1985, straight from Sudan, his home country. He died Sunday at 47. In the NBA, he was seen as somewhat of a freak... tall, frail and couldn't play NBA basketball at the top level, but boy, could he block shots. He averaged 3.3 blocks per game, an NBA record, and that was better than his scoring average of 2.7 points per game. Though he could dunk with two feet on the floor, he loved to shoot 3s from the outside... and was somewhat of a good show at that. One "3" per game would have upped his scoring average.

The thing about him that is most notable, though, is that he was a wonderful humanitarian. "Despite his accomplishments on the court, his lasting legacy will be the tireless work and causes he promoted in his native Sudan and in the cities in which he played," said the Wizards. He used all of his earnings and his enormous popularity in his home country to help the kids and poor make a better place for themselves. He made a difference.

The world will miss the big guy... not because we really knew him but because he was a gentle, caring, modest, unselfish individual who used his height and limited prowess to make a difference to those with little hope. He represented what we could use more of. What a tribute.

Conversely, Gary Coleman died recently at age 42. Best known professionally for his role in the early TV sitcom, Diff'rent Strokes, he led a troubled life. At 4 feet, 8 inches, he is now, sadly, best remembered for his troubles... and lately, for the fights over his remains and meager estate.

As one of my all time favorite wrestlers, Andre the Giant-- another kind and gentle man out of place in his body-- said, "The big and the small, they don't live very long." Andre was 7 feet, 4 inches and weighed in at 540 lbs--almost 3 times more that Bol. In real life, he was a soft-spoken pussycat. I really did love him in Princess Bride--almost everyone's favorite movie (if they have any taste at all). He died in 1993 at age 46.

There is more that one contrast in these three. Bol at 7 feet, 7 inches, Coleman, a yard-stick shorter at 4 feet, 8 inches and Andre at 7 feet, 4 inches would make a nice graph on paper... but together, they average just a little over 6' -6"... a height I'll bet, each would have been happier (though poorer). Their average age at death--45.

"The big and the small, they don't live very long."

Here's to the future...

In Dallas for the elementary school graduation (completion of 5th grade) of an incredible step-grandson, Joe. It has been years (give or take five decades) since I left 5th and it seems there is a much greater effort to stress character and social awareness, sincerity and kindness, good citizenship and 'the golden rule' than I remember being taught.

"Don't be dumb enough to pick on anybody bigger than you," is kind of what I remember... and, "If you must pick your nose... " oh, nevermind.

As a parent of grade-schoolers years back, I always appreciate the opportunity to be in a school setting today and see all these neat young people running around... our future.

Science does it again!

Science digs up so many vital bits of information that you might wonder what we would know if it wasn't for science... and the funding that we provide for these critical studies that brings such vital information to us. Now we're pretty sure that giraffes can swim--if they want to-- even though no one has ever seen a giraffe swim. Why knowing that is important is beyond me... except maybe it will be a question on the new version of Trivial Pursuit.

When a giraffe's weight, body surface, natural buoyancy, muscle mass, etc. was calculated and put into a computer for extensive analysis, it proved giraffes can swim... theoretically. We also have evidence that some crazy giraffes were found on an island surrounded by deep water while trying out for a part in Lost, so those tall buggers can either swim, or fly.

But now, thanks actual photos found on the website Naked Forum, giraffes can not only swim but water ski and fly! And, by God, we are better off knowing this than not.

Thanks Naked Forum for making our lives richer.

If you want to see what giraffes actually do around water, watch this 56 second video:

About a baby... and other amazing stuff

Long time no post (about 2 wks) but been busy.  

Biggest News:

Got a new 
grandbaby!
Mom and son
doing well...
and so am I.

And if that wasn't the coolest, I got frosting on my cake when I was running yesterday. It was about 7 am and the sun had just cleared the horizon on a beautiful day. As I was doubling back across a dam near my house, I saw something big sitting on the guard rail ahead of me. As I got closer, I recognized a magnificent American bald eagle looking intently over the grass and wooded landscape below... on the opposite side of the man- (or woman-) made lake.

The majestic bird let me get within 10 feet before it looked my way and winked (or it seemed like it did in my mind) before soaring out over the valley... just the eagle and me (in my new five-finger running shoes, no less), morning sun, lush valley under bright blue sky... and total silence. How often does that happen in a lifetime? I think it was God's punctuation mark.
 

So while I am on the wonders of it all, I just read something pretty amazing about the bar-tailed godwit... you know ( suuure you do), the migrating bird that summers in both Alaska and New Zealand/Australia. The question (though not my question) always was, how does it get from here to there?

It had long been presumed the birds flew down across Asia, resting and eating as they migrated because the distance is enormous. But when a godwit-specializing biologist noted that the birds, just before migration, looked almost as fat as a softballs, he wondered if they didn't take a more direct route.

Years passed and the answer could never be confirmed... until 2006 when technology created micro satellite transmitters.  The birds then were track-able on his computer's Google Earth program. What he discovered was mind-boggling. The bar-tailed godwits were flying directly over the Pacific ocean...7,100 miles in nine days--the longest nonstop flight ever recorded... and the time without sleep ain't shabby either.  (I once flew from L.A. to NZ nonstop... over the Pacific one minute into the flight and didn't pass over any land until touchdown... a total of 13 hours... and boy, were my arms tired.)


Last amazing discovery today: Monster in space. Scientists have confirmed that one of our 'close-in' planets (WASP-12b) -- still thousands of light years away --  is being 'eaten' by a neighboring star! At today's rate of consumption, this jumbo world, cooking at 2,800 degrees, has only 10 million years before it is completely consumed. Apparently, the star, which we will name Godzilla, is a slow eater, not unlike my mother.

I wonder if this stellar cannibalistic behavior has anything to do with the recent death of David Durston? He was the guy who wrote and directed I Drink Your Blood, one of our early cult thrillers, in 1971? In case that name doesn't ring a bell, perhaps you remember his other movie shown as a twin-bill... I Eat Your Skin? He also did Zombies aka Voodoo Blood Bath.

So we have gone from miracle of birth to David Durston's death. Covered a lot of ground. Did we learn something today?

It's all about the name

Ever wonder what your life would be like if you were named Rumplestiltskin (left)... or Clyde or Mervin or Mayviss? Me neither. Probably no different unless your last name was Butts or Badcock, Gaye or Holl (all real)... which probably made growing up difficult. Or if your last name was White and mom named you Snow. All kinds of those things really happen.

I know a guy named Al Ng... which is the shortest name on my list.  Longest name though probably goes to a German immigrant whose passport actually read:

(First and "middle" names)
Adolph Blaine Charles David Earl Frederick Gerald Hubert 
Irvin John Kenneth Loyd Martin Nero Oliver Paul Quincy 
Randolph Sherman Thomas Uncas Victor Willian Xerxes Yancy 
Zeus

(Last name)
Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorffvoralternwarengewissenhaf
tschaferswesenchafewarenwholgepflegeundsorgfaltigkeitbeschut
zenvonangereifenduchihrraubgiriigfeindewelchevorralternzwolf
tausendjahresvorandieerscheinenbanderersteerdeemmeshedrraums
chiffgebrauchlichtalsseinursprungvonkraftgestartseinlangefah
rthinzwischensternartigraumaufdersuchenachdiesternwelshegeha
btbewohnbarplanetenkreisedrehensichundwohinderneurassevanver
standigmenshlichkeittkonntevortpflanzenundsicherfreunanleben
slamdlichfreudeundruhemitnichteinfurchtvorangreifenvonandere
rintlligentgeschopfsvonhinzwischensternartigraum

Senior

He called himself Hubert Wolfe... probably Hubie to friends. He signed his name Hubert Blaine Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff, Sr. In case you didn't notice, he has one given name for every letter of the alphabet plus his surname.  (This info comes from the interesting website, Everything2.com ) Do I believe everything I see in print and on the internet... absolutely!

Had a friend once who was oddly named. I never thought anything of it until one day, I had to ask a telephone operator (remember those?) for his phone number. " Frosty Craighead, please... " I listened to her laugh convulsively for 30 seconds before she could respond, then I had to convince her it wasn't a joke.

So what do you do when you are saddled with something awful to your ear? You change it, right? That's why this British chap caught my attention. He is now officially known as:

'Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spider-man Batman Wolverine Hulk And Flash Combined'

I don't know what he changed it from but suspect it was something like Alfred Meeks. All I know is that after the name change, I wouldn't want to mess with him... not because he might be too tough (which is possible) but because he must be crazy... and If you read this sir, I'm just kidding. I really like what you've done with your name... it has a definite 'ring' to it... and your costume is absolutely Fab!

Maybe this is what he had in mind:

So when the cat has got your tongue
There's no need for dismay
Just summon up this word
And then you've got a lot to say
But better use it carefully
Or it could change your life
One night I said it to my girl
And now my girl's my wife!


In which case, I say "Bully." I hope you and  Mrs Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spider-man Batman Wolverine Hulk And Flash Combined nee Ms Superwoman Prettier Than Avenging Angel Batgirl Wonder Woman Vampirella And Alice In Wonderland Combined have a wonderful life and are blessed with many superchildren named Art, Jane, Mary, Joe, Bill and Jesse.

Are you ready kids?

If you recognize that question, then you know the answer:

Kids:    Aye-aye Captain.
Captain:    I can't hear you...
Kids:    Aye-Aye Captain!!
Captain:    Oh! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
Kids:    SpongeBob SquarePants!
Captain:    Absorbent and yellow and porous is he!
Kids:    SpongeBob SquarePants!
Captain:    If nautical nonsense be something you wish...
Kids:    SpongeBob SquarePants!
Captain:    Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!
Kids:    SpongeBob SquarePants!
Captain:    Ready?
EveryBody:    SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants!
Captain:    SpongeBob.... SquarePants! Haha.

It's the lyrics to SpongeBob's theme song, of course.  Did you sing it as your read it? Of course you did. Well, good old SpongeBob just celebrated his 10th anniversary on Nickelodeon and the yellow sponge has made a positive impact.  

New York Times writer Alessandra Stanly did a nice spread on him last July. "There have been books, dissertations and seminars dedicated to the study of the fun-loving yellow kitchen sponge who lives in a pineapple under the sea," she wrote. "There was a theatrical-release movie version. President Obama said during the campaign that SpongeBob was his favorite television character, and that he rarely misses the show because he can't; it is always on in the Obama household. David Bowie and Johnny Depp are among the many stars who boast or blog about having been guest stars.

"Part of the show's mystique," she continues, "is precisely that it has so little edge or subversive double-entendres."

Other long-running shows of that genre, The Simpsons, now in its 20th season, and South Park which first appeared in 1997, have a strong and loyal following but they also have a lot more edge, for sure. SpongeBob Square Pants is a 'nice' show with plots and characters that almost everyone can enjoy without a censor or social translator.

"SpongeBob is an optimist, a naif and a child, and the unifyiing joke is that he is impervious to danger or dislike--as were Bugs Bunny, Road Runner, Rocky and Bullwinkle and even Charlie Chaplin," says Stanley. "Mostly he is happy, though when he is upset, tears gush out  of his eyes like an open hydrant; in one episode SpongeBob cries so hard at having to leave his best friend, Patrick Star, to go to summer camp that he misses the 'Sun&Fun' boat, and boards a convict ship bound for 'Inferno Island' instead. He thinks the prison is a really enjoyable summer camp, and not even solitary confinement, breaking up rocks or prison slop can dissuade him."

SpongeBob is also a very good example. Just recently, a 12-year-old New York girl saved her best friend's life using a trick she learned from SpongeBob--the Heimlich maneuver. When saw her friend choking on her gum, she remembered how SpongeBob saved Squidward who had swallowed a clarinet, and did likewise.

Now who can't not like SpongeBob now? Seriously.

For much more fun, check out SpongeBob and his friends on his web site.

Baseball stuff

First, the good news: the Cubs are only 4 1/2 games out of first place. After just 15 games of the 162 game schedule, they are 6-9. If they keep up this torrid pace, they will finish just 46 games back causing all us true believers to stand proudly and shout, "Wait til next year."

Could this be THE YEAR, though? I mean, after all, doesn't every Cub fan deserve at least one winner in a lifetime? Quick answer: NO. I know a Yankee fan (actually three of them) and he often says, "My God, how long do we have to wait? We haven't won since last year!"

It is written that every team wins a World Series for its fans at least once a century. Cubs last won in 1908 so we've got one coming no later than 2099. Wow! I'm all 'goose-pimply' just thinking about it.

Speaking of baseball as a sport... and I have my doubts... poor Phelps High School. The Wisconsin team lost a semi-close one against Three Lakes a week or so ago. Actually, Phelps came in second so that doesn't sound too bad, does it?

At the end of one, Phelps had no runs, no hits, no errors. Three Lakes had a fairly good first inning.... 22 runs, 23 hits, 21 walks and 11 steals. First inning, I said.

Three Lakes pitcher Ben Wales was 6 for 6 while hitting for the cycle. He drove in 12 runs.  And oh, threw a no hitter.

The game was stopped after three with Three Lakes prevailing 45-0.  That's  too bad, actually. It robbed Phelps of the opportunity to record the greatest come-back in the history of any sport. (Rumor has it, the Cubs had a scout at the game and he signed all of the Phelps players to a major league contract on the spot. "They seem to fit our franchise," he told reporters.)

While I'm obsessing about baseball, did you know that on opening day:

• Babe Ruth pitched a three-hit shutout win for the Boston Red Sox in 1919 over the New York Yankees? Ruth won 24 games that year and lead the league with 35 complete games. And you thought all he did was drink beer, eat hot dogs, womanize, play for the Yankees and hit home runs.

• Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier in 1947. He went 0-3 for Brooklyn in his historic debut.

• Ted Williams, probably the best hitter baseball ever saw, hit .449 with 3 homers and 14 runs batted in in his 14 openers. The 'Splendid Splinter," as he was then known, is now, sadly, the "headless wonder."

• Bob Feller, Cleveland's ace, pitched the only opening day no-hitter, beating the Chicago White Sox at Comiskey Park, 1-0 in 1940 .

• Ernie Banks, the Cubs great shortstop,  said, "Let's play two today, every day.

I only relive my love for the game when I see Field of Dreams. That could change, however, if ever...
what's the expression... if ever pigs fly.

We are what we eat and drink...

... or so some say. Hmm... got a son-in-law who decided to become a vegan after reading Eating Animals by Jonathan Safron Foer. "It explores the many stories we use to justify our eating habits--folklore and pop culture, family traditions and national myth, apparent facts and inherent fictions--and how such tales can lure us into a brutal forgetting."  It was, my son-in-law says, pretty impacting. I guess! Does that make him a tofu kind of guy?

How about some folks in Arizona who found it hard to tolerate a rabbit-based menu for an Easter Sunday brunch? The chef received over 100 complaints including a call from one rabbit lover wishing him "a slow and painful death." Said the chef, "To me, it's just food... (but I) underestimated the number of people who have pet rabbits." Does that make them Hugh Hefner fans?

However, the topper... from the bottom of the food chain, literally, are those who will pay $500 for a bag of coffee beans from Bote-Central in Manila. These 'magic' beans produce a smooth, chocolaty brew with a hint of cherry, devoid of any bitter aftertaste, and are said to be the excelsior of the coffee gods.

Now I love coffee, and maybe I would buy a bag if I had an extra $500, but I don't know. It's not the beans, it's the processing that bothers me. Seems what makes the coffee so wonderful is that it is eaten then digested in the stomach of the civet, a smallish cat-like animal with some otter/mongoose characteristics, and out his you-know-what. The beans, with the benefit of the civet's enzymes, produce, when separated from the feces I presume, the richest coffee imaginable. Well poor me... I'll probably never know... and it's not about the money.

One of the locals at the old coffee farm said he didn't exactly know why foreigners are willing to pay so much for a cup of the civet-digested beans plucked from feces. "We are a bit surprised," he bemused. His son, with a smile on his face, said "We are so ignorant." (Hint: Never, ever shake hands with a coffee grower who has a cage full of civets unless you see him wash his hands.)

Technical question: If I treated my son-in-law to a cup of this fantastic coffee, would he still be a vegan? (Important note: no animals were harmed in the making of this blog post... however, one teriyaki-flavored tofu cube will never be the same.)

The face of sports is changing...

Remember when baseball used to be the national pastime? Or football, before we ever heard of... what do you call it... oh, soccer? Well, sorry fanatics, that's not what's hot today. And let's admit it... neither of these were ever an Olympic sport.

Yes, the face of sports is changing... and the world is enthralled. Just a few weeks ago (just four posts down), I brought you the exciting news of the formation of the Professional Alligator Wrestling Association... complete with plans for its own television network... Alligator Wrestlin'... all the Time. And you thought wrestling was fake.

Then comes the news that George Nissen died at age 96. George had springs in his legs. Actually, as you should know, in 1934 he invented the trampoline... God's gift to America's Funniest Videos. An inventive man, he saw his creation become the springboard ;-) of an Olympic sport.

What next will enthrall us, you may ask. Well, the National Breakin' League is re-branding break dancing as the next extreme sport. The League, in existence for four years, sees "top-ranked crews competing in the postseason, culminating in a media-saturated national championship." Move over Super Bowl.

Just think. Olympic medals for alligator wrestling, trampoline jumping and break dancing. Who could resist the appeal? Get rid of the hammer throw (unless you also feature the hammer catch). Besides, it's not even a real hammer. Or fencing, for God's sake... those epees don't even have real points. Who needs hop, skip and jump (without jacks, no less) or dressage where the horse does all the work? Does anyone watch this stuff?

But live alligators or break dancing. Now that's sport. Throw in a few AFV highlights featuring some overweight dad 'crotching' himself on some part of the trampoline and you've got crowd appeal. If Jim McKay were still alive, I can't tell you how excited he would be. I know I can hardly wait to see which country has the guts to claim these gold medals. Hear that Cuba?

No wire hangers, ever! ...and more, yes, much more.

Have you ever seen the 1981 classic movie "Mommie Dearest," about old time film star Joan Crawford? It was from a book her daughter, Christina, wrote a few years earlier, best recalled by the line "I told you! No wire hangers, ever!"

Crawford, a compulsive neurotic, finds one of her 12-year-old daughter's dresses on the forbidden hanger.  She angrily yanks it from the closet, rips off the hanger and starts hitting her daughter with it as she sputters that line. In a rage, she throws clothes all over the place. It's scary, actually.

Well, Crawford may have been painted as an obsessed housekeeper, manic and controlling in real life, but I'm with her about the hangers.

Americans throw out 3.5 billion wire hangers every year! That adds up to more than 100,000 tons of typically non-recycled steel... because those damn hangers clog the recycling machinery. I understand. Last time I took 3.5 billion hangers from my closet--I only intended to take one--they all got tangled and came out as one jangled mess with a life of its own.

                                                    ***

So you think that is overkill? How about the two IRS agents that hand-delivered an unpaid tax bill to the owner of a Sacramento car wash? The tax overdue was 4 cents, owed since 2006. With late fees and charges, the total came to $202.31.  Wish I could find an investment that paid that well.

Maybe I'm being a little harsh though. By IRS estimates there are $300 billion in unpaid taxes owed the government... and we, as citizens, should be happy those deadbeats are being chased down, one-by-one. By my calculations, with this 4 cents, there is probably only $299,999,999,999.96 owed. So we're gaining on it, right?

                                                    ***



Did you hear about the Florida guy who burglarized a police car? He stole handcuffs and a Taser gun, among other items. He subsequently called police and turned himself in. The cops who picked him up found that he had accidentally handcuffed himself... and also, accidentally Tasered himself. I think that his defense should be that he accidentally broke into the police car too. It fits his modus operandi.

                                                    ***

The tee-shirt sould have read: "I went to Colorado to win $43 million and all I got were some waffles."

That really happened when a woman, playing a penny slot machine, hit the jackpot for $42.9 million, according to the payout screen. Casino authorities said, "Wait a minute... we were just testing the machine and the wrong read-out was shown." They say the max payout would have only been $251,000, so the $42.9 million was a teensy-weensy little error that could happen to anyone. However, the casino folks didn't want her to go home without anything... so they gave her a free breakfast... and presumably, her penny back. After all, fair is fair.

                                                    ***

Note to all you Trekkies out there, GROW UP!

A John Hopkins University physicist said that if the Starship Enterprise ever really traveled great distances at "warp speed," as it did often, everyone on board would be killed. Actually, the physicist simply explained that traveling at 99 percent the speed of light (about 180,000 miles-per-second), the protons would be stripped from the atoms and so-on and so-forth.... ho hum. (Those physicists have a way with words... which is why so few physicists become successful comedians.) Killed is enough explanation for me to say, "Get a life, you guys." Only Spock was real, you fools.

                                                    ***

And finally, A Santa Fe man is suing his neighbor for $530,000 in damages because she is disturbing his "electromagnetic sensitivities." He says the neighbor's laptop and iPhone are causing him nausea, vertigo and body aches and she is totally refusing to "work with me" on this.

At Easter, a time for hope... and I was touched by this

It is an original poem published in a local newspaper:

sometimes i can't hold back
this feeling
i wish it would go away
and never meet the light
of day
why can't i keep away
from my selfish ways
to not look back
but could i ask
is it possible
to move forward
and never look back
as i move toward the light to find
a way out of my mind
how can i
when i'm blind
and can't see the world
or whre to turn
why can't i look away
and forget everything

The author, whose name I won't use, is in 7th grade.

On the 2,000th (+/-) anniversary of The Last Supper

             ...did you ever wonder what they ate?

While the three gospels that write about it mention only bread and wine, and author Dan Brown mentions women (Mary Magdeline), no one talks about song (Gregorian chants, Lord). Back to the food... Over the years, 52 of the most famous depictions (including Leonardo daVinci's) show the size of the meal increasing, and no, it is not a loaves and fishes miracle thing.

The plates are bigger. The main course portions (depicted variously as fish, lamp, pork and eel) grew larger in paintings over time. Today, they are shown super-sized (wonder where that come from), a whopping 69% larger. These are the findings as reported in the International Journal of Obesity, of all places.

It is speculated that the depiction of food just grew larger with the more plentiful times, reflecting how much we ate. So perhaps that is why so many of us in first world countries are obese. Super-size it and they will come.

Oh... lest I forget, thank you God! I am truly grateful.

Got time for a little bit of this and a little bit of that?

First it was ESPN, then it was ESPN2, and now the NFL has its channel as does NASCAR. So what's next? How about the Professional Alligator Wrestling Channel... All alligator wrestlin' all the time. I think they are on to something here.

Actually, the pro alligator wrestlers have taken the first step by forming the Free-style Alligator Wrestling Competitions (FAWC for all you acronymites out there) which will hold annual meets and promote the activity as a legitimate sport. This is for real.

Alligator wrestling is a lot harder than it looks, say the pros.  (Actually, it looks pretty hard to me already.) James Holt is 6' 1' and weighs in at 350 lbs but says size does not give him an advantage. Mental acuteness does. "The hardest part is making sure you're in the right frame of mind. You gotta be in the moment... that alligator is a lot stronger than I am."

Pro Jimmy Riffle offers this tip: "Number one rule... you cannot be afraid to get bit." (That kinda leaves me out.)

Austin Billie learned how to wrestle alligators two years ago and says the most important lesson is "know your limits. Wrestlers are trained to be vigilant of the gator's 'areas of danger,' which is (sic) pretty much anywhere near its mouth." Actually, that would be my guess too.

So now that you are all rev'd up, go to Google and find the alligator wrestling school nearest you. Get in on the ground floor and you could be a household name in no time at all.

"All I know is that Fred Barnstable is a household name around here," says Al Alligator. "He was just delicious. The missus and I talk about him all the time." See what I mean? I just hope it's not fake like 'you-know-what.'

                                                         ***

Since alligator wrestling really doesn't pay all that much according to the pros, there are a few other options as we examine some of the worst jobs in science as identified by Popular Science Magazine.

Armpit detective: Researchers actually study armpits to try to "isolate the compounds that give us our unique aroma." And yes, someone has to smell... in the name of science, of course.

Feces piper: This facilitator is absolutely vital in a "fecal transplant" (for real!) which involves feeding healthy feces into someone infected with the C. difficile bacteria. This somewhat controversial procedure is done in a few hospitals. And it also sounds like a disease that Doctors Larry, Curly and Moe used to treat all the time.


Sneeze modeler: When a sneeze or spittle from a cough lands on the face of 'the modeler,' it is studied in hopes of finding the areas of the body most susceptible to the flu virus. And a big "AHH-CHOO!" to you too.

Bad-dance observer, dung curator, oceanic-snot diver, doomsday fact-checker, bean counter (not the CPA kind), tissue-reaper and multispecies baby tickler round out the top 10. These are real occupations, folks. A healthy imagination might give you a hint as to the job specs. So polish those resumes and you could be in line for a Nobel Prize if all goes well.  

Oh, as an afterthought, before you laugh these off, you may want to consider that this research was probably funded by a government grant... and you paid for it!

                                                              ***


Happy story with a winner: Jessica Silverman was walking past the Hilton New York Hotel in Manhattan recently when a person in the booth promoting an insurance company asked her to guess how many jellybeans were in their jar. Without breaking step lest she set herself up for a sales pitch, she said 7,954... and guess what? She was exactly correct and took home  $25,000. I love stories like that.

                                                              ***

Sad story with a looser: In Baltimore, a cult leader and two 'assistant cult leaders' were convicted of second-degree murder for starving a 1-year-old boy because he did not say "Amen" during a prayer. I hate stories like that.

                                                             *** 


Story that is just plain stupid: Another New York woman and her husband have filed separate lawsuits against a Manhattan wig store. The woman claims a mannequin head fell on her foot inflicting permanent nerve damage. The husband claims that injury has ruined their sex life because his wife can no longer curl her toes. Sounds a little kinky to me.

Is it Nuts Out There or is it just me?

Two leprechauns walk into a bank...

... and say in an adorable thick Irish brogue, "Well sure and by golly, this is a hold up." And police shot them dead. Now if that doesn't put a damper on the wearin' o' the green, I don't know what will.

Actually, that's a true story... but one thing I don't understand... wasn't the pot of gold they put at the end of every rainbow enough?

Just saw the second largest St. Patrick's Day parade in the United States. First, of course, is New York. But Savannah, Georgia the second? Really. Savannah only has a population of 200,000 but there were an estimated 400,000 watching. Actually, 400,002 counting my wife and I.

The parade featured 330 units from all over the country and lasted three-plus hours. It had Irish marchers, Irish dancers and Irish kissers, which is a big custom in this parade. Girls line the route and lay on the lipstick, then when some particularly handsome, or fun looking marchers come by, they rush out and plant a big, indelible kiss on the cheek. As for the marchers, some smile, some, like the Marine Corps units, don't even break step, but all march on as marked men. Fun time, even if the weather didn't exactly smile. My take on all of that... there are sure a lot more Irish in Savannah than I would have guessed.... And really, do the men wear anything under those kilts? It was cold and drafty and all I could think about was 'shrinkage."

So that explains why no post in a week. Ok... I'm ready again.

Pike's Pique

Oh, I know... a very clever title. Actually, it is right on. 







In Switzerland, the official animal lawyer of Zurich, a public defender for animals, took the fisherman who landed a 22-pound pike to court. Representing the pike, the attorney argued that the 10-minute fight to land the 4-foot fish caused it cruel and unusual punishment. Seriously, the Swiss take animal rights very seriously. Obviously!

In the world's most neutral country, if you want to own a dog, you must take a four-hour course on the care and fair treatment of dogs and other animals before you can buy the pet. According to the law, social species like birds, fish and yaks (I once knew a guy who went yak back riding) must have companionship. Bird cages and aquariums must have at least one opaque side to make the occupants feel safe. If you must put a sick fish to rest, you can't just flush it down the toilet. You must mercifully give it a sharp blow to the head or immerse it in a water-clove oil-alcohol mix.

Now mind you, the Swiss are known for their kindness to animals... and their right-to-die laws. Each year, hundreds of humans come to Switzerland to kill themselves... presumably with a sharp, self-inflicted blow to the head or by submerging themselves in a vat of water-clove oil-alcohol.

Back to the pike... regrettably, it lost the case... but its attorney has filed an appeal. Any subsequent victory might be met with a high five fin-to-hand slap and a celebratory, majestic leap out of water... except for the sad fact that the pike had already been eaten... and it was delicious!

In a recent national election, Swiss voters rejected a referendum that would have mandated all 26 cantons to hire animal defense attorneys... guess they figured one for all of Switzerland was just right... either that or they feared that with 26 lawyers, animals could get the upper hand... er paw, fin, whatever.

Now I understand why sharks don't eat lawyers... professional courtesy.

Thisa and thata about data

Isn't it about time I blamed something on Charles Darwin? Every one else seems to be. His darn theory of evolution... it's all his fault. Actually, if the world was the NCAA title basketball game, Team Evolution would be winning 85-29 with two minutes left, so it's really not that bad.

On the plus side, evolving helped us survive... that's big. But, it also was the cause of a lot of today's maladies. Like if we didn't use our spine to walk upright instead of on all fours, we wouldn't have chronic back problems... and we'd probably still have a cute little tail (like a bunny, I hope, not a beaver or kangaroo or monkey). And our Appendixes would do more than just go bad and kill us. We would all have dark eyes and coarse hair and our brains would not have shrunk 10 %. Now there's a real problem. (As an aside, a number of the NFL football players are donating their brains to science when they die. Today, it will take 10 % more players to equal the Neanderthal Bears of the old PFL--Prehistoric Football League.)

And here's a big one... today's average foot has grown four shoe sizes larger for both men and women since 1900. I just had a rare chance to look at the 2099 Buster Brown shoe catalog-- those companies have to work quite a bit in advance, you know-- and this is a nice pair your children will be wearing.

Evolution is good because if you are a guy, sperm develops better at lower than body temperatures... however, the testicles are now at a greater risk of injury. Thanks a lot, Darwin.

Evolution is good because if you are a gal, your pelvis is narrower, butt not so big, for walking. However, it makes a tighter squeeze when giving birth. Says my daughter, *&%# you, Darwin!

One last quiz item of interest that Darwin seems to have nothing to do with: Can you name the one part of the body, then and today, that is the same size at birth as it is at death? Everything else grows but this one thing. Got it? The eyeball.  Enough Darwin-bashing. On to something else.

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What do the numbers 39-18-33 mean to you? How about a svelte woman's measurements? (Didn't think of that, did you?) And that woman is 50 years old! I'm talking about Barbie here... and my, doesn't she still look so good? The measurements, of course, are her proportions as if she is a real person, not counting childish fantasies. It is no wonder that Ken chased her for so many years. Oh, I know... it was only for her personality.

Well, Barbie just had a very good year... for her Godfather Mattel, that is. In 2009, Barbie sales jumped 12% in a down toy market. However, Barbie is starting 2010 out on a different note, if this news is any indicator.

Walmart has been accused of 'Barbie racism' by 'activists.' (Story didn't specify if it meant Barbie activists or race activists... just activists.) Seems one store had dark-skinned Barbies and light-skinned Barbies displayed side-by-side, and the price tag on the dark-skinned Barbies read $3 while one shelf to the left, the light-skinned Barbies were going for $5.93.

That "devalued the black doll," said the activists.  It was nothing more than inventory management, said Walmart.

All I know is that G.I. Joe never had these problems. If he did, he would have come out firing.

HOT NEWS: Mattel has just announced that it will be marketing a new version of Barbie and Ken styled after the characters in the "Mad Men" TV series... which will be quite a change for Barbie... a steno pool worker and Ken, an account executive who chain smokes. 

                                                                         ***


Oh, if you look down two posts (to March 9th), you will see I talked about the major earthquake in Chile. Well, I have just a little bit more. the 8.8 quake on the Richter Scale was so significant that it not only moved cities a few inches, it actually shortened earth's day. Really! NASA's Jet Propulsion Lab geophysicists have calculated it shifted the axis of Earth's mass by 3 inches from where it was. That has the same effect, says one geologist, "as an ice skater going around in a circle... when she pulls her arms in, she goes faster." Well we are.

Thanks to Chile, our Earth day is now 1.26 millionths of a second shorter than it used to be. So if you haven't already reset your clocks to daylight savings time, remember to stop 1.26 millionths of a second short of an hour and you won't even notice the difference. For those of you who have already adjusted your clocks, hold on tight.

Another damn post on happiness

Geeze... get off my back already. I'm happy, ok? Can't you tell? So shut up!

Alright. Here's what this is all about. A few recent studies have shown that, on the happiness scale, about 64% of us say we are very happy... like an 8 out of 10 in happiness. That paints a pretty happy American picture... perhaps skewed somewhat because happiness really is hard to measure. I knew a guy who laughed once (at his own stupid joke)... just once in all the years I knew him. He said, with a gruff frown, "I'm happy, damnit!"

Now I'm more willing to go along with the Center for Disease Control and Prevention's study. It tried to quantify how happiness might be measured. Married people, for example, and wealthy people tend to appear happier than poor alone sorts. Well duh!

Those who had access to clean water, medicine and other life essentials are happier than those who are hopelessly sick and drink fetid water. Hmmm. So far, I get it.

Anyhow, that study of a large sample, 350,000 people, showed which states are the happiest. If you are really slap-happy (you laugh inanely for no apparent reason), then you would live in Louisiana, Hawaii, Florida, Tennessee and Arizona... the top five.

New York, not surprising to me, is dead last, just ahead of Connecticut, Michigan, Indiana and New Jersey... the bottom five. I live in number 13, so ha ha ha.

Does it seem coincidentally strange that the top five are all 'no winter' states... relatively speaking, and people who live in the bottom five say things like, "I really love the snow, don't you," or "Nothing makes you feel so alive as a brisk 20 degrees below zero, wind-in-your-face day."

Now here's another measurement to worry about. Bored people are two-and-a-half times more likely to die of heart problems, says a British study. Boredom may be a sign of depression or associated with an unhealthy lifestyle... smoking, drug use, lack of exercise.

So here's the bottom line. If you live in New York and are bored, WATCH OUT! On the other hand, if you live in Louisiana, you could die giddily happy in a hurricane.

Take this happiness test... If you find any of these funny, you may be ok. If you don't, then maybe you deserve what you get:

Doctor, you've got to help me; I can't stop thinking I'm a goat.
I see. And how long have you had this problem?
Ever since I was a kid.

A woman goes into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'd just as soon have a baby as get a tooth pulled."
The dentist says, "Make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair."

"I'm sorry to tell you," the doctor says, "but you only have about five minutes to live."
"Oh, my God, Doctor, isn't there anything you can do for me?"
"Well, would you like me to boil you and egg?"

Ta-dah!

Ever wonder what the hell to blog about?

Nothing seems to fit together... you have this and that, but no theme... and having just cleaned up after your dog, your senses are numbed.  So, getting desperate, you say, "OK. I'm going to write about everything all at once." Satisfied with that stroke of genius, you begin:

If this doesn't have you shaking your head, then you are not a bobble-head doll... or too dense to get the irony. In South Carolina, two black high-schoolers were awarded a $150,000  settlement against their school because other black students mocked them for "acting white."  Their lawyer said the school had an obligation to protect them from racial harassment and "to do well in school is considered acting white... that is part of why we're saying that it was racial." Wait... huh? Sad, actually.

The 8.8 magnitude earthquake that hit Chile was about 100 times more powerful than the one in Haiti. (It's a Richter Scale thing.) Want to know how powerful that is? Well, it MOVED the capital city, Santiago, about 11 inches to the west/southwest... the Chilean city of Concepcion is actually 11 feet further west! And no, I don't know how they measured it... don't ask stupid questions. That's my job.

Think that's a big deal? The six- mile wide meteor that hit Mexico's Yucatan Peninsula a mere 65 million years ago-- the one that scientists believe wiped out the dinosaurs-- altered earth's orbit by 3 1/2 inches! Now I know... for that, they borrowed God's GREAT BIG TAPE MEASURE.

All this does is confirm my theory. If China, with it's 1.3 billion people, really wanted to threaten the rest of the world, all it would have to do is tell all of its people to stand perfectly still until an agreed-upon split second, then jump up and down at the exact same time. Whammo! end of earth... either that or it will bring the dinosaurs back and prove once and for all that Godzilla was real. (He certainly looked real in the movie.)

Usain Bolt, the world-record holder of the 100-meter dash and acknowledged "fastest man on earth, hits the tape at about 28 miles per hour in just 9.69 seconds. How impressive is that? Compared to a cheetah, not much, but if you consider, from the starter's gun to the breaking of the tape, 42 babies were born in the world... more if one of the mothers was Octomom. Now I am impressed.

A Wyoming University study determined the real limitation on running speed is the rate at which muscles in the body can contract and propel the limbs forward. By analyzing muscle fibers and running lots of tests, it was theorized that a human, running a perfect race, could hit 40 mph! That would give him a 6.67 second, 28 baby, 100-meter dash... and leave Bolt some 40 yards behind.

World record for driving a truck the most miles with cardboard completely covering the front windshield has to go to the Chinese guy who didn't have time to fix the cab's shattered glass. So he punched a few eye holes in the makeshift cardboard 'windshield' and alternated seeing by using the holes to see and sticking his head out the driver's side window. How far did he drive in the bitter cold? Would you believe 400 miles? When he was finally pulled over by observant police, his face was a windblown bright, Barney-like purple.

A joke... always end a lame post with a joke:

Patient: Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.
Nurse: Have you ever seen a doctor?
Patient: No, just spots.

And they call the wind Maria... I don't think so!

Away out here they got a name
For rain and wind and fire
The rain is Tess, the fire Joe,
And they call the wind Maria*

... and don't tell me you weren't singing the tune as you read the verse. Well, that's a fun wind... like, "ha ha, look at my cow, blowing away with milk coming out her nose" fun. We make up romantic songs to those winds.

I tell you friend, that is such a sissy wind compared to some. Ever been to the top of Mt. Washington in New Hampshire? It stands just 6,300 feet above sea level (Mt. Everest is at 29,000 feet), but because it sits in the path of three major storm tracks and has a few other geological factors thrown in, Mt. Washington has some of the hardest-blowing winds ever recorded, often exceeding 100 mph! As a fact, a big wind almost blew my step-daughter off the mountain (seriously) when she was visiting there as a little girl.

A category 5 hurricane-- the kind that destroyed New Orleans-- exceeds 155 mph and you know what that can do. Now let's push the envelope... winds over 200 mph. Actually, for Mt. Washington, that is not even rare. It once held the measured wind speed record of 231 mph. 

How strong is a 200 mph wind? If you were lining up against 6' 4", 260-pound Brian Urlacher of the Chicago Bears, it would be like hitting cotton candy compared to "the big wind." Nobody goes out in the big wind.

Tropical Cyclone Olivia, which tore across the Indian Ocean in 1995, had winds measuring 253 mph... the highest ever recorded on earth! 

If the rain is Tess, the fire Joe,
We'll call this wind @#%&*!!ier (has to rhyme with Fire, sort-of).

*Soundtrack and Lyrics from Paint Your Wagon"

Ever have that 'falling' dream?

Hmm... neither have I. But if I did, I'd be ready because I just read an item from a Popular Mechanics guy--could'a guessed that... those people think of everything weird--  'How to Survive a Very Long Fall.'

First thing he says..."if you're going to fall 35,000 feet from a plane without a parachute and live, it's probably best to ride a piece of debris on the way down." See, I KNEW there was a catch to it. With my luck, the debris I grab will the the in-flight magazine. "Granted," he says, "the odds of surviving a six-mile plummet are extraordinarily slim, but at this point you've got nothing to loose by understanding your situation."

Believe it or not, there are at least 31 confirmed survival stories. Alan Magee was blasted from his B-17 on a 1943 mission over France and lived. He 'free-fell' 20,000 feet and crashed into a train station. He was then taken as a prisoner-of-war by German troops who probably said, "Ach du lieber" (I have no idea what that means) because they couldn't believe he was still alive.

A skydiving "Brit" fell 10,000 feet after his parachute failed to open. He landed on the roof of an aircraft hangar which 'flexed' to break his fall.

 Don't think I haven't thought about it though. If it were me, I'd keep my legs loose so I could flex just as I hit the ground, then pop-up, spread my arms high and yell "Ta-dah" to the amazement of all those watching. I've got a back-up plan for plunging elevators too.

Actually, it isn't the height that kills you, people who read Popular Mechanics say... it's the sudden stop.

Interesting stuff where relevance doesn't matter

 Just learned fact: It is possible to survive being swallowed by a whale... but the gastric acids will absolutely wreck your complexion," according to author Philip Hoare in his award-winning novel, The Whale.

This changes everything! Pinocchio was REAL! You THE MAN, Geppetto!

A Delaware man is suing a New York strip club... not because he didn't have a good time... but because he just can't remember if he did or not. Seems he entered the club, had two alcoholic beverages and was taken to a private room with his very own lap dancer. The part he can't remember is what happened in that room for the next 90 minutes. He does, however, suspect it must have been very, very 'special'... his credit card showed a $21,620.50 charge.

Those Bulgarians... they know which side their pepper is buttered on. In a recent country-wide survey, the "chushkopek" was voted as the most revolutionary household advance of the 20th century, beating out electricity, television and the cell phone. What is this incredible advancement, you may ask. It is a kitchen appliance (left) that will roast up to seven peppers at a time! As they say in Bulgaria, "Ay ay chihuahua!" ... or is that Italian?


A New York woman has filed a discrimination claim against her supervisor at the Jewish Theological Seminary. She says he frequently "breaks wind," releasing "constant barrages of... flatulence" in her work area.  Honestly, a secular person wouldn't do that... would he?


A short time ago, Giants Stadium in East Rutherford was demolished. It was home to the NFL's New York Giants and New York Jets... in New Jersey, of all places.  Of course, a newer, bigger, more awe-inspiring stadium is being built... not really because the 34-year-old older version failed to serve but because the new one will allow for higher ticket prices, more of those ultra-luxurious, more expensive corporate sky boxes, and most important, more revenue for the owners. But personally, I'm disappointed... not because of any of the above, since none of it will come from me, but because the wrecking crew didn't find the body of Jimmy Hoffa so we could give him a decent burial.

Note: three of these five items involve New York. Honestly Gotham, haven't you guys got anything better to do?

That Mona Lisa smile...

... or is it a smirk? Was Leonardo pulling a fast one on us when he painted the Mona Lisa in his Florence studio 500 years ago. Maybe, as many now think, he was pulling one of the longest-lasting practical jokes of all time... or, he was trying to tell us something?

The actual painting is rather small, just 20 7/8" x 30... oil on wood. All the hoopla over this famous lady could cause you to imagine it larger. And Mona has no eyebrows... but that was not uncommon for a lady in the early 1500s. But Really though, who was she... and what was wry her smile all about? One theory has it that Mona Lisa was a portrait of a banker's wife who bore a more formal version of the name. I'm guessing that is a historical red herring.

Because Leonardo carried the painting with him for life (along with two other self-portraits) gave thought that it is actually another self-portrait of himself in drag, so to speak. While history does not show him to be a cross-dresser, he was believed to be gay. A close inspection of this portrait compared to his other self-portraits shows an astounding 97% match in minute ways. And side-by-side, it really looks close. See for yourself.

Well that, I suppose, could explain the wry smile. OK Leonardo, you are not only a brilliant painter but a genius on many levels... I suppose you've earned the last laugh, you cutie.

(Go to MonaLisamania.com for more Leonardo fun.)

World record!

Actor Warren Beatty has had affairs with Diane Keaton, Leslie Caron, Julie Christie, Joan Collins, Natalie Wood, Madonna, Liv Ullmann, Twiggy, Mary Tyler Moore, Jane Fonda... and a lot more really big notables, according to biographer Peter Biskind in his new book, Star: How Warren Beatty Seduced America... enough for a very impressive life, if that's how score is kept.

But, at almost 73, does he remember who has a dimple here, a tattoo there, a birthmark in some funny place? If so, how does he keep the details straight? Well, he probably doesn't... because this new autobiography calculates he has had affairs with 12,775 women... enough to fill New York's Radio City Music Hall (right) --twice... not counting the Rockettes, of course.... and the daytime quickies, drive-bys, casual gropings and stolen kisses were not included in this number! (I didn't make that up.) 

World Record? I hardly think so.

How could you forget one of the most famous basketball players of all time, Wilt Chamberlain? Sure, Wilt scored 100 points in an NBA game once but, according to his count, that hardly measured up to the 20,000 women he said he 'scored' before he died at age 64. (To add scope to that stat, if the number 20,000 represented days, that would be almost 55 years... so Wilt must have been a very busy man. He was, by the way, a lifelong bachelor, which is understandable since he certainly wouldn't have had time for a wife.)

"The point of using the number," Wilt said, "was to show that sex was a great part of my life as basketball was a great part of my life." I guess! He also said, "With all of you men out there who think that having a thousand different ladies is pretty cool, I have learned in my life... that having one woman a thousand different times is much more satisfying." And who of us mere mortals could know enough to deny that? Wilt is probably one of the very few to speak from experience... oh, and Warren.

Does the name Wham-O ring a bell?

How about Whirlo-Way or Pluto Platter? Well, those were the two early 1950 names given perhaps the most famous... most simple toy ever invented... but it didn't take off (pun intended) right away. The inventor, World War II fighter pilot Fred Morrison, created the disc that he later licensed to Wham-O Manufacturing Company. When Wham-O marketed the Pluto Platter in 1957, they called it the Frisbee after an East Coast pie company who's plates had been used for just that purpose. And now, as Paul Harvey used to say, you know the rest of the story. Frisbee's sales soared (another pun...get it?)  into the hundreds of millions, and it became a counter-culture phenomenon, often seen in the hands of movie stars and famous personalities.

"It is impossible to fathom the impact Fred Morrison has had on the world through the invention of such a simple object..." said the executive director of the World Flying Disc Federation, a non-profit governing body for all competitive things Frisbee. (Aside: My brother-in-law was a card-carrying member #162 of the International Frisbee Assoc. in 1968... he showed me the card!  It shows you, among other things, he is pretty old.... and still a kid at heart,)

As a teen, Morrison had a fascination with flying disks, throwing popcorn lids and cake pans on the Santa Monica beach. One time, a stranger watching offered to buy his cake pan for a quarter. "At that time cake pans cost about a nickel," he wrote in his memoir... and a business was born, then interrupted and almost killed-off by World War II. His P-51 mustang was shot down over Italy in 1945 and he was a POW until the war's end.

Using the aerodynamic knowledge he acquired as a pilot, he refined his model and gave demonstrations at county fairs and stores selling his product. Often, amazed onlookers supposed the disk's unusual flight was caused by unseen wires. He became frustrated when purchasers couldn't get the same results he did because people just didn't know how to throw it. He began printing instructions on the bottom of each "Pluto Platter" which he manufactured, with little bumps, to simulate the "flying saucers from space" that had the public's attention at the time.

Tired and disappointed by a lack of consumer enthusiasm, he licensed the Pluto Platter  to Wham-O in 1957. It was Wham-O that came up with the Frisbee name. "I thought it was stupid," he said.  But it sold... and sold... and sold. And still does. I found seven in my house just today... four for throwing and three purchased as dog toys.

Morrison died this past week at age 90... but his Frisbee will live forever.

What is the largest machine in the world?

No. It's not my toaster which I bought cheap. It's really 18-inches square... pretty big for a toaster.  But it's not that.

It is the Large Hadron Collider, (left: blogger's guess of what it might look like.... but probably not. May not be to scale) built to unlock the deepest secrets of the universe. (Of all the stars and sky we see-- millions of light years into space-- we see less than 4% of the universe's total mass.) This machine, built 300-feet underground near the Swiss/French border,  is basically a connected 17 mile circular tunnel. It contains two large tubes lined with powerful magnets and is helium-cooled to near absolute zero. It's sole purpose is to slam two infinitely tiny particles the size of the center of an atom (and yes, they are way too small to inscribe the Lord's Prayer on. You are, no doubt, thinking of the head of a pin) into each other at almost 186,000 miles per second. (This translates to going around the 17 mile loop 11,000 times per second.)

The cost is modest-- but only if you compare it to all the money in the world-- $10 billion. It's purpose is to try to recreate the Big Bang that scientists believe made our universe happen a mere 13.7 billion years ago. This is so sci-fi-incredible that some physicists say, if we are wrong in our calculations, this could trigger the destruction of earth.  But enough of this happy talk.

Some impressive work has already been done by an atom-smasher in the U.S. The pipsqueak 2.4-mile-wide Relativistic Heavy Ion Collider in Brookhaven, NY has smashed two super cooled, high-speed atoms into each other to create a temperatures of 7.2 trillion degrees-- 250,000 times hotter than the sun's core.

But really, how hot is 7.2 trillion degrees?  Well, the human body is 98.6 degrees; iron's melting point is 2,800 degrees; the Sun's core is 27 million degrees; a supernova is 180 billion degrees; one microsecond after the Big Bang, 7.2 trillion degrees; one millionth of a microsecond after the big bang, 18,000 trillion-trillion degrees.  I just can't imagine how long it would take to toast a marshmallow, but if you are an impatient sort, your s'mores are ready when you are.

Remember physicists, plenty of sun tan lotion... and wear those shades. (Seriously, pretty mind-boggling. Right?)

Life is like a game of chess...

... both are almost impossibly difficult at times. 


How complex is chess? According to former champion, Garry Kasparov, "The number of legal chess positions is 10 to the 40th power, the number of different possible games, 10 to the 120th power. A player looking eight moves ahead is already presented with as many possible games as there are stars in the galaxy (100 billion to 70 sextillion--70,000,000,000,000,000,000,000--say astronomers). There are more possible chess games than the number of atoms in the universe (don't even ask). These comparisons impress upon the casual observer why brute-force computer calculation can't solve this ancient board game. They are also handy--and I am not above doing this myself--for impressing people with how complicated chess is."

OK, I believe you, Garry... Chess (and life) can be challenging beyond comprehension. But at the end, in life, if we've played a great game, we get an automatic seed to The Finals.

EEEK! A GHOST!

Ever see a ghost, feel a supernatural presence or consult a fortune teller? I'm not surprised... 29 % of us say we have had a touch with the dead, 18 % have seen or been with a ghost (I'm one of those... story to follow) and 15 % have consulted a medium. That's what Pew Research Center found in a recent study. Faith undoubtedly leads us to feel there is a spiritual world "out there." That and Scooby Do, of course.

I had a joyous experience that I will never forget. It is as clear in my mind today as it was many years ago, when I was seven. There was never a doubt. And because I was so young, I am even more convinced it was real because I was so naively 'pure' and without influence or prejudice on such subjects.

Growing up in the 'lower income' segment of America, my family lived in a small house owned by and adjacent to my maternal grandparents.  It was a great time because grandma spoiled my sister and me rotten with love, treats, surprises and permissiveness. What more could a seven-year-old want? And so did my grandma's mother, who lived with them. We called her Big Grandma (that's her) because she was, compared to Small Grandma, at least. She was perhaps stereotypically, an older Italian 'grandma-type' with her white hair in a bun, a round, ruddy face to fit her largish heavy frame... and always, a warm smile.  As a recent and older immigrant, she spoke only Italian but that was never a barrier to the fun we had together.

I remember the day she passed away, in the house just next door. The adults kept my sister and me in the kitchen behind the closed dining room door while they sadly said their tearful good-bys as Big Grandma lay dying on the living room couch.

About six weeks later, as Big Grandma was out my life and mind, our family was coming home from a movie and I, as the self-appointed front door-opener, ran ahead and up the steps to unlock the door.

When I burst into the living room, there, on our easy chair in the corner, sat Big Grandma in her familiar black and white poke-a-dot dress, tan stockings and black shoes. She had a warm smile for me... as always.


"Why Big Grandma," I hollered with absolute delight... and I can still hear myself saying it, "What are you doing here?" She didn't answer, but held out her arms to me. I turned to mom,  dad and sis, who were just coming up the porch steps, and shouted, "Big Grandma is here!"

But then, when I turned back, she was gone.

I remember being so excited as I told everyone what I had seen. I was so happy! Big Grandma came to say good-by to me.

And she did!

It used to be the world's tallest building...

...but that was then. The landscape (or better, the skyscape) has undergone dramatic change. Take a peek here for a fascinating perspective. The just completed Burj Dubai in the UAR--recently renamed Burj Khalifa in honor of the sheik of Abu Dhabi--stands more than 1/2 mile into the sky.

This isn't about "them," however. This is about our grand lady, The Empire State Building, which held the title from 1931 to 1973...longer and more legendary than any other. It stands a 'mere' 1250 feet... not even half as tall as the Burj Khalifa... and is number 14 on today's list of world's tallest buildings. It has 102 floors, 1820 steps to the top and (get this!) was completed 410 days AHEAD of schedule, coming in at $24.7 million UNDER budget! Of course, this was during the Great Depression and that undoubtedly helped, both in cost and with readily available labor.  It is colorfully and quite specifically lit year round (showing a big red heart for Valentine's Day). Take a look at the Lighting schedule ...it is quite complex and fascinating.

Their was a time when dirigibles would cross the Atlantic, then appear over Manhattan and glide up to the Empire State Building. After docking at the mast atop world's tallest building, passengers would transfer from airship to skyscraper, via an open gangway (really!), and an elevator would whisk them to the street.

It is sadly ironic that the tragedy of 9/11 was not the first time a plane crashed into the world's tallest building. In 1945, an army B-25 Bomber, lost in the fog, crash, quite accidentally this time, into the 75th floor of the Empire State Building. While two died,  the survival of the elevator operator who fell 75 stories when the cables to her cab were severed, was the miracle of the day.

Every year, there is a race on foot, up the stairs to the 86th floor. It is appropriately called The Run-Up. This year's event, the 33rd annual, was Feb. 2nd and the winner's time to climb 1,576 steps was 10 minutes, 16 seconds, or about 157 steps a minute! Ever try to run stairs? Piece of cake, right?

The Empire State Building has starred in more than 100 movies. How many can you name. Check it out. Call me a softy but my favorite by far was Sleepless in Seattle. Near as I can tell, the only one who didn't love this beautifully designed landmark was King Kong. Damn those planes. They just didn't understand... that big monkey had a heart!

A picture is worth a thousand words

Wrong, wrong wrong. Pictures lie! An old journalism professor of mine (who should know because he spent half-a-lifetime as a photographer for UPI) said that if we ever say that or write that, we would get an automatic FE (fact error = failure) stamped on our paper... and he had a big rubber FE stamp that he would delight in using...with red ink, no less. This was before... way before today's digital world.

So what you see isn't always what you get. Ever watch a good magician?

Do you know that, beside being Groundhog Day, this is also the day when many top-talent, big name singing stars will re-record "We Are The World," this time for the benefit of Haiti relief efforts.

Now here's where the (digital) magic trick comes in... Janet Jackson wanted to sing the part her brother Michael (he died, you know) sang in 1985, but she couldn't make the recording session. No problem. She will sing it in a remote studio and it will be digitally inserted in the final cut. So as you see it replayed, look for her. You will see her but she really isn't there... and I'll bet you won't easily be able to tell.


Side note: Michael Jackson, who died last June 25th, was the music industry's top-selling artist for 2009 moving 8.3 million units (CDs, digital downloads, DVDs, etc.). It's amazing what you can do when you are dead.