Rolling Thunder and more at TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) this Memorial Day.

There were about 100 Rolling Thunder cyclists paying an annual visit to the TAPS weekend in Arlington, VA this Memorial Day... and sadly, about 2500 adults and children who wished they weren't qualified to be there.

They are some of the families who have recently lost a loved one in service of our country.

This was our fourth visit as representatives of HOPE Animal- Assisted Crises Response. HOPE had five dog/handler teams invited to help bring comfort to those many suffering the ultimate loss of a loved one in war-related conflicts.

From Friday through Sunday of the Memorial Day weekend, the dogs were on duty to do what they do best... and as usual, the outpouring of love and comfort and calm was welcomed by almost all attending.

This was the 20th anniversary of Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS), a privately funded organization for those suffering a military loss. There were surviving husbands, wives, children, parents, siblings, partners, fiances and other related persons who have this opportunity to share, learn, remember and begin to heal thanks to benevolent corporate sponsors who recognize the need to do something special for the families of those who gave everything for their country.

There were programs and functions for all. For the 1200 children, there was a Good Grief Camp for Young Survivors with age-appropriate activities and sessions for all ages as well as infant and toddler care as required. Each youngster had a mentor (many were military volunteers from the Marine Corps Base in Quantico, Va) who were with their charges during the day activities when their parent was involved in other sessions and gatherings.

Adult workshops included Proactive Grieving, Turning Hurt into Hope, Dealing with Family after a Sibling Loss, Finding Hope as the Journey Continues, Surviving the Loss of a Child, and dozens more to give you an idea of the help available. Other activities included busses to Arlington National Cemetary, The Mall, a Tour of Washington and The Smithsonian Institution.

There are gatherings and meetings and food and reflection as well as many organizations set up to help with some of the needs of those who find themselves in this position. Speakers at some of the sessions have included Vice President Biden and Dr. Jill Biden and General Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff as well as notables in areas of relevance to the group. Michelle Obama and The Bidens were scheduled to be with the TAPS group in ceremonies on the Mall on Memorial Day.

The messages in art murals and on the many chalkboards around the large hotel upper lobby by the children and adults were more touching than can be described here. The finale was a massive balloon release by the young people... thousands of balloons each with a personal message to the missing loved one.

They will never forget. Never. Nor should we.

The HOPE Animal-Assisted Crisis Response mission is to provide comfort dog support to individuals affected by crises and disasters. There are presently about 300 dog-handler teams and team leaders across the United States. HOPE working dogs have recently been actively involved in the wildfires in the west, the Washington mudslides, the DC Naval Yard shooting and whenever and wherever such need calls. More at www.HOPEAACR.org .

The Magic Shoes revisited: An old story with a new twist... the 2014 US Open golf championships for BOTH men and women are here this year, back to back! And what is more important than golf?

The Magic Shoes

I went to dinner with an old friend last night. He is crafty and wise, semi-witty and weird... good qualities for a friend. But the fact that he was magic caught up with me somewhere between dessert and cognac.

"Jerry, I know you have a good heart," he said, "and I have always believed good hearts need to be rewarded from time to time. So I want you to have these" He presented me with a box that simply read Calzature Collezione.


"I don't understand," I said.

"Literally translated, that means magic shoes."


One of the reasons I have always liked Steve is that he is so... so worldly. He knows all the languages."

"Gosh, they really are good looking." And, as I discovered, "They fit perfectly."

"Of course," he smiled smugly.

"But... but what, Steve, is the magic?"

He smiled with satisfaction. "With these shoes, you may have one wish... for anything.  Really anything. You may use that wish to save the world, feed the hungry, cure the sick, stop global warming, have a congress that works... whatever. Just lace them tight, click your heels together three times and make a wish. But be careful... you only have one wish."

I thought and thought... then we had another cognac... and another.  Two hours later, still pondering, we were kicked out of the restaurant so the help could close and go home.

That night, I couldn't bear to take my magic shoes off, they were so beautiful... so I slept in them... and I had a dream... a wonderful dream.  You know how some dreams seem so real, it's almost as if you are awake.  I could see myself and my magic shoes.  I had dreamed my destiny.

I woke to a real surprise... the sheets on the bed were ripped to shreds. My poor loving wife's legs were cut and bloodied. As I put my beautiful shoe-covered feet on the floor, I noticed they gouged our hardwood with every step I took on my route to the bathroom.

Then it dawned on me... MAGIC HAD HAPPENED! My magic shoes had created my dream. The world be damned... I was a scratch golfer, spikes and all! I was Golf Emperor of the World!




I should call to thank Steve for this wonderful gift, but I have an 8:15 tee-time... with barely enough time to kiss my wife who is jumping up and down with... happiness for me, I think.

I'll wow the guys with these fancy new magic shoes... and my new golf knickers, golf shirt and golf underwear which came with them. I didn't see the clothes at first... Steve told me that only the pure of heart can actually see them... then, of course, I did.

YES! The Golf Emperor has new clothes too!

The day I never met Ben Affleck.. or did I? But first, a modestly less but still great fun story.

Ben Affleck? Hmm.

Sure, we have have our brushes with fame. I knew a guy from Peoria once who, at 40 was an IT guy at an insurance company and found no joy in that. So almost every day he wrote funny stuff on Twitter. Seth Meyers heard about it and hired him. Really!

Brian Donaldson, went to school with my kids and look where they are today. Is he really funny though, or is he a 'just from Peoria' novelty? From his Twitter feed:

• My pants size is "these fit when I bought them."
• My family was so Catholic growing up that we weren't allowed to hide eggs on Easter because my father said it promoted birth control.
• "Hey 35-year-old on a Razor scooter, you can loose the helmet. The damage has already been done."
• If you step on Trump's foot, his hair pops up just like a trash can lid.
• Every time I read the same My Little Pony book to my daughter, I love her just a little bit less.
• Do you ever feel like you're all alone and there's no-one around to turn for help? Don't worry. It goes away once you leave Home Depot.
• The best thing for cleaning spilled hummus off the carpet is chips.
• It's weird that coward doesn't mean "toward a cow."

And these are just things he wrote that I can blog about. (I have a "nothing my grand kids can't read' policy?) You can pick out stuff he probably wrote in Meyer's monolog.

Ben's wife, Jennifer Garner
--Just because, alright?

Now about this Affleck thing.  A few days ago my wife and I were having a gourmet breakfast at the local Panera's and she noticed two men eating on the patio... one looking very Ben Affleckish, the other kind of Spielbergish-- but not him. So we very casually (and coolly) kept looking, googling and looking some more.

We read that Ben has a golf movie coming up and noted that the search was on for a 'better golfing stunt double' in our golf crazy southern area. Hmm.

Just then, the two of them walked by us. Ben we read, is 6'2. This guy is 6'2'. So I asked, "Are you Ben Affleck... and if you aren't and can play golf, have I got a tip for you."

So they stopped, smiled and had a good time kidding each other about the item on my cell phone. Ben--I'll call him Ben (because that's his name, right?) seemed to recognize the trade press we had googled. He laughed and said "No, I'm not interested. Besides, I'm left handed." 

BINGO! Ben is left-handed and this guy (Ben) is left handed. He and his buddy were having a good time with it. We talked a little golf and kidded a little. Then they both thanked us and left.

So happened we all headed out the door at the same time and exchanged greetings like old friends--sort of.

I asked the other guy one more question. "Are you Matt Damon (which he wasn't)? Laughter and smiles...but... we got him, that handsome bugger. "Say hello to Jennifer for me," I waved. He promised he would.

PS: Little known fact: Ben is left handed. My son is left handed. About 10 percent of humans are left handed... but 1/3 of all chimpanzees are. Do they know something we don't?

It's a ridiculous world out there... and it's nuts too.

Not him but an actor playing the role

A nine-month-old was recently charged with attempted murder of a police officer in Pakistan. So the most logical question is: will authorities try him as an adult?

The police officer made the collar after the boy's father and grandfather reportedly tried and failed to kill him... and since the child was there too, the officer must have figured the infant was the "brains" of the group.

Happy ending, a diaper was changed and the "brains' was released to poop in freedom.

The San Antonio Spurs of the NBA will not be staying at a certain California hotel any more. Ghosts! Several players have experienced the spirit and to make matters worse, Harold Ramis, the man who wrote and starred in Ghostbusters isn't around to save them anymore... he recently died... and may now be part of the problem. Great movie though.

Science marches on: Recent actual and expensive medical studies have revealed that 1) drinking too much alcohol and/or excessive use of cocaine makes it really hard to drive an 18-wheeler; 2) there is a connection between stress and premature aging... stress doesn't help; 3) men like to look at curvaceous women but not necessarily face first; 4) athletes rarely are as smart as brain surgeons; 5) though more people are killed by bee stings than shark bites, most would still prefer to be stung by a bee. All of this raises the question: would you rather have a poke in the eye with a stick or a broken leg? I dunno, surprise me.

Wrigley Field, the home of the Cubs, just turned 100. And even better, the Cubs are ONLY 10 games out of first place on their march to another yet another World Series championship. The Cubbies are anxious to have someone who saw them win their last title--a mere five years after the Wright brothers' first flight--throw out the first pitch in their next championship, but no one living today was born yet... except some really old guy in Italy, and his arm is gone. Just you wait til Next Year!

     A first grade teacher admits to her class that she is a die-hard Cub fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they 
      are Cub fans too. Not really knowing what a Cub fan is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode 
      into the air.

     There is, however, one exception. One girl has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks why. "Because I'm 
     not a Cub fan," she says.

     "Then,"  asks the teacher, "what are you?"

     "I'm a Chicago White Sox fan."

     The teacher, a little perturbed, asks why she is a White Sox fan.

     "Well, My Dad and Mom are White Sox fans, and I am too."

     The teacher, somewhat upset, says, "That's no reason, What if your Mom was a moron and your dad 
     was a moron. What would you be then?"

     "Then," says the girl, "I'd be a Cub fan."
 

It is against the law in Liberty, NY to be annoying. Really! So a lead-footed hot-head, mad about a speeding ticket, sent his fine in with a note: "Bleep YOUR bleeping TOWN!" The town rejected the payment and charged him saying his note was "likely to cause annoyance or alarm."

I want one of those laws for my town too... but I'd amend it to include being a jerk too.

Chicago, in a NYTimes poll, was found to be the funniest city in the United States. No contest... Chicago has the Cubs so a sense of humor is essential. Boston, Atlanta, Washington D.C., Portland OR, New York, Los Angeles, Denver, San Francisco and Seattle were the top 10.

If you live in Virginia Beach, get a life. You were the least funny in all of America. Jacksonville, Miami, Tulsa, Arlington TX, El Paso, Ft. Worth and San Antonio are at the dourest bottom. Hmm, Texas has four. Wonder if that means anything?

You sourpusses better get with it. Monkeys have a better sense of humor than you do. Primates don't just laugh, they crack jokes. Koko, a gorilla, knows more than 2,000 words and and signs 1,000. She was recently asked, "What can you think of that's hard?" She signed "Rock" and "Work." She once tied her trainer's shoelaces together and signed "Chase."

Why do waiters like gorillas better than flies? Have you ever heard a customer complain "Waiter, there's a gorilla in my soup?"

One more Cub joke:

     Einstein invented a machine to reduce intelligence of the super smart so they could better fit 
     in with society.

     He strapped the apparatus on the head of his first genius volunteer test subject and turned 
     the machine on low, not sure of its power. After 30 seconds, he turned it off and anxiously asked 
     a test question: "What is the numerical equivalent of pi?"

     "3.14159 to infinity," the genius said.

     "Hmm," mused Einstein. Needs more power. So he set the machine to medium and tried again.

     "Now, he asked, Who was the 16th president of the United States?"

     "Lincoln, of course. Followed by Andrew Johnson and Ulysses S. Grant."

     Getting impatient, Einstein set the machine on high and let it rip. Strangely though, the machine 
     did not shut off automatically. As Einstein frantically tried everything, he finally had to smash the machine with a 
     hammer to make it stop. It had run on and on and on for more than five minutes.

     "Oh my God," he said concerned as he shook his subject., "Say something to me... say anything."

     The man shook his head and finally opened his eyes. Looking at an anxious Einstein, he hollered "HOW 'BOUT
     THEM  CUBS"

Confession: Don't tell anyone... I'm a Cub fan.


    

Two Hero stories. One fictional and the other real. Both favorites of mine.

First, fiction: I have a favorite movie... and no, it is not Sleepless in Seattle, Frozen, Mary Poppins or anything silly like that... though Mary Poppins does star Dick Van Dyke. (Thank God it's not Dick Van Patten... I hate the Van Pattens for no good reason... honest.)

I really loved Hero with Dustin Hoffman, Gena Davis and Andy Garcia. Hero is a 1992 movie that Roger Ebert (God rest his soul) thought was great EXCEPT for some superfluous dialog. Three and a half stars. C'mon Roger, you could have done better than that.

Says Ebert: Hoffman plays Bernie LaPlante, lifelong loser. He's a small-time Chicago thief whose wife has thrown him out, whose son doesn't admire him, and whose future is a prison term for receiving stolen goods. Then one night an airliner crashes right in front of him on a deserted road, and although he's no hero, Bernie is responsible for pushing the plane's emergency door open, and personally rescuing several passengers - including a TV newswoman played by Geena Davis.

If it hadn't been for this little guy, everybody might have died. But they live, while he disappears back into the rainy night.

The closing scene wraps the whole thing up in true It's a Wonderful Life style.

Now the real: Here's the point though... anyone can be a hero given the right time and place. Most heroic actions are situational and reflexive. And more amazingly, most who are dubbed "heros" by the media claim they did nothing more than anyone else would've done in similar circumstances or that they were only doing their job. But the reality is that lives are saved and/or tragedy averted.

I believe that one can be a hero and no body would be aware of it.

A week or so ago, My daughter and her husband walked onto a Florida beach with their children.

First thing they noticed as they surveyed the Atlantic was that two young boys in the water were struggling to get to shore against a rip tide. One of the youngsters was attempting to help the other  and they were both in trouble. Neither the parents down the beach nor anyone else were aware of the sudden problem.

The boys, realizing their situation, asked for help. Both daughter and husband dived into the ocean and pulled them out, as well as their young son who had just waded in. No gathering crowds, no cheering or news media coverage... life just kept going on... thank God, except that if they weren't there then, it might not have ended well. Who knows.

This hero stuff is within us all. Maybe we have already been a hero to someone we didn't even realize needed our help. A word, a deed, whatever. Be a hero to yourself... the kind of person you'd like to see looking into a mirror. 

As John Bubber (Andy Garcia) said in the movie: We're all heroes if you catch us at the right moment.

Caution alert: This movie was released in the UK and Ireland titled Accidental Hero. There is also a 2002 release of a Chinese movie Hero... same name, very different. In China, it was called Ying xiong and is the highest-grossing motion picture in Chinese film history. Here's the trailer for my Hero flick.

 PS: As I write this post, I'm listening to Bette Midler sing Wind beneath my wings. You know, the song with this verse: 

Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Coincidence or... ?

A pretty good story I wrote.

A Cross to Bear

“Hey buddy! Watch it with the sign.”

Bill shook his head in disbelief as he walked to his mid-Manhattan office. Should be a law about that. These guys just clutter up the sidewalk. Nutsos! All of ‘em.

            The guy with the sign paid no attention to Bill. He saw hundreds of people like him every day. Sure, the sign could have been smaller but when your message is big, you gotta have a big sign.

            “THE END OF THE WORLD IS COMING!”

John saw his only mission in life as spreading God’s word and making sure everyone was ready when they met their maker… not that everyone paid any attention to him… or that anyone did. This is what God wanted from him… told him personally… and true to God’s Word, John was ‘on the job’ every day. He was a ‘regular,’ one of those street people that become vaguely familiar to the multitude that travel the same path most days.

You couldn’t say John’s clothes were rags, but then you wouldn’t say they weren’t. Looked like they were from Goodwill’s SALE rack… many years ago. It was his falling-apart sandals missing a strap, the untended beard that met his dirty hair half-way and the glassy-eyed look that said, ‘I do this for a living.’  Oh... and the sign, of course. But it was his rather distinctive ‘air’ that first warned the blind beggar down the block that John was on the job.

Some days, John carried an old wooden cross. Thing towered about two-feet above his head and weighed almost half as much as John himself. Those were the days he wore his dirty gray robe with the rope belt. Quite effective. Those were the days that Bill and everyone else gave John wide berth.

“Saw that crazy ‘jesus guy’ again,” Bill told his wife that evening. “He was carrying the big cross today. He smells like he doesn’t know the meaning of the word soap. Wonder what his story is.”

Two days later, Bill saw him again, just as ‘the jesus guy’ fell while crossing the street.

“Hey! You ok?”

As he put his arm under the self appointed ‘savior of the world’ to help him up, Bill shook his head. He couldn’t believe he instinctively ran to the guy’s aid. And if that wasn’t enough, he had to stop traffic to pick up the huge cross before it caused an accident.

“Thank you, my brother. Thank you. God sent you to me today and I am grateful.”

“Now wait a minute, old man…”

“Name is John.”

“Hate to tell you this, John, but you couldn’t be more wrong. There is no God. He only exists in your mind…. like Santa Claus.”

“How can you say that, man? God is the sun. The moon. The air. God is life in all its forms.” John, arms waving and sputtering as he talked, was just getting warmed up. As the crowd gathered, John knew this was the day… and the reason he was put on earth.

“Tell me, man,” he said so all could hear. Poking a finger into Bill’s chest for emphasis, he asked  “Tell me who made you? Tell me which came first, the chicken or the egg? And where did either one of them come from?”

Bill couldn’t believe it. This bum had come alive. He was no wino with a hand out but a man on a mission with eyes ablaze. Bill took two steps backward for every one of John’s giant strides into his chest.

“How can you defend Santa Claus for your kids’ faith and joy and not give God the same courtesy? How can you smile at Christmas and get angry when I talk about God?”

John, sputtering on, was red in the face with fervor.  “What are you afraid of, man? Listen to your heart as your children listened to you. Is there a Santa Claus? Damn right! Not believe in God? Damned wrong. Don’t tell yourself nothin’ you don’t, deep down, believe just because you are afraid.”

  Bill blinked and stared into John’s eyes. They weren’t crazy. They were begging for understanding…asking… pleading to be heard.

“Come on, man. I can see you get it. Admit it to yourself. Go with it. Take His hand and…and…and…”

John closed his eyes, staggered two steps backward and slumped to the ground. His work was done. The gathered audience seemed quietly stunned, unsure of what to do next.

A siren’s shrill note jarred the crowd. “BREAK IT UP! Nothing to see here,” blared the voice from the bullhorn of the officer in a black and white. And like that, the crowd backed away, watching as Bill knelt to John.

“He’s gone, officer. I can’t believe it. He’s gone.”

  

Bill didn’t sleep that night. He and his wife must have talked for hours before she fell asleep on the couch. Near morning, Bill stumbled into the shower, determined to see that John was taken care of…vowing to make sure he had a decent Christian burial.

“I saw that man a thousand times as a nut case…a homeless crazy,” he muttered to his wife, shaking his head as he headed out the front door.  “Then, in just five minutes, I knew a man that I should have known from the very beginning. I …. I… ,”  his voice trailed off.

“What is it Bill?” his wife hollered at his silence as she ran to the door.

Bill was staring back toward the house in disbelief.

“How…? Why…? I don’t understand.”

Leaning there was a wooden cross…bigger, by far, than John’s.

Blessed Easter all.

Easter in Seattle... and a story

Wouldn't you know, the Easter Bunny lives in Seattle. And why not? It is one of my favorite cities for lots of reasons. I especially enjoy all the public art. It is everywhere in large and small ways. In Seattle, if you incorporation art into your building, you can get a 10 percent discount on your county taxes. That's putting your money where your heART is. (I know, very clever.)

Easter, like Christmas, is one of those secular holidays that gets big retail play. Christmas is the number one retail selling event of the year for merchants with Easter and Passover adding nicely.

But, as great as the Easter Bunny is and as awesomely promising Santa and his reindeer and elves are, there is a deeper religious meaning for many that transcends the $ signs. So, on Good Friday, I've got a story for you that fits the other part of Easter just fine.

Want to make a fast $28 mil?

In 2004, a very pious lady sold this piece of toast on eBay for $28 million. (Yes, really.) And get this: It wasn't just out of the toaster toast, it was ten years cold! So what's the catch?

Now I like toast just as much as the next person, but even if my toast had a miraculous apparition of the Virgin Mary burned into its surface like this miracle slice (didn't see it, heathen?), I can't imagine it would be worth those dollars to me. And I am one who has experienced breakfast at the Waldorf where a fresh piece of toast cost ten bucks (with orange juice, it comes to $19.95, not counting tip), so I should know toast.

How do we know this is THE Virgin Mary? Well, when the original owner was about to take a bite out of her sandwich, she notice "the Lady" staring back at her and hollered for her husband to "COME QUICK!" "I scared me at first," she said. Then, shortly thereafter, she won $70,000 at a nearby casino.

potato chip Jesus

If that is not proof enough, after ten years, "it doesn't fall apart or crumble or anything." Nor has it become moldy! And the best proof of all--someone paid $28 million for it. So there.

But that's not today's story. Today's story is about how things like this happen...the psychological phenomenon of seeing something significant in ambiguous stimuli. That is called pareidolia say those who study such things. (Yeah, somebody's got to study everything.)

Another interesting study might be on what causes a person to pay $28 million for a ten-year-old piece of toast.

A pizza for Christ's sake

But about the "seeing things" phenomena, scientifically conducted tests (with results written about in the Journal of Cognition and other like magazines without cartoons) seem to indicate there may be an awareness of perceptually ambiguous stimuli enhanced by the presence of moral content.

Over a series of tests too dull to describe, moral content seemed to enhance recognition of anything at a greater perception than non-moral content. That phenomenon is called the "moral pop-out effect." It is described in a general sense like grocery shopping when you are hungry versus when you are not hungry. When you are hungry, the sight and aura of food calls your name. When you are full, forget it Charlie.

Cheeto Jesus (really?)

Interestingly, test subjects recalled more of stories with morally acceptable content than those without. An example used was a fabricated newspaper clipping of a perpetrator of a vicious crime who was still on the loose. That version scored considerably less in remembered detail than the exact same fake story where the perpetrator was apprehended.

There is much more, of course, but being a non-scientist, if you get the gist, that's good enough for me.

Cubs win! Cubs win!

Oh my gosh, I just saw the Cubs winning the World Series in my breakfast pancake! Quick eBay bidder, give me $28 million. Ok, $2.8 billion. Alright, $28. Sure, but only because I like you, 28 cents. And yes, it comes with maple syrup.

Crash Blossoms

If you like words, and who doesn't... I personally use them all the time, then you'll enjoy crash blossoms. This is a relatively new term for something we used to call 'double take' headlines. You know... like "Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim" or "Red Tape Holds up New Bridge."

Crash Blossoms (which got its name from the headline: "Violinist Linked to JAL Crash Blossoms") was the first topic covered by new columnist Ben Zimmer as he took over the On Language column in the New York Times Sunday Magazine. The column had been authored for 30 years by Pulitzer prize winner William Safire, who ran out of words recently (i.e... he died).

As a journalist at heart, I have long loved these misunderstood headlines typically found atop newspaper stories. Such headlines were usually written by a news desk editor on deadline, working feverishly to make his story title fit a specific column width and space available. And, every so often, they were purposely crafted as an 'inside joke' to amuse his colleagues at the news desk. Late night editors sometimes got a little 'punchy' in the heyday of newspapers.

Some favorites are classic:

"MacArthur Flies Back to Front"
"Eighth Army Push Bottles Up Germans"
"Doctor Testifies in Horse Suit"
"Vineland Couple to Take On Missionary Position"
"Judge to Rule On Nude Beach"
"Blind Woman Forced to Clean Up by Police After Her Guide Dog
  Accepts Settlement"
"Stiff Prices at Auction of Erotic Art"
"Gator Attacks Puzzle Expert"
"British Left Waffles on Falklands"
"Missouri Gas Chamber is Unsafe"
"Dentist Receives Plaque"
"Giant Waves Down Queen Mary's Funnel"
"Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over"
"Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based"
"Flaming Toilet Seat Causes Evacuation at High School"
"Urologist Censored by His Peers"
"4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves"
"Blind Bishop Appointed to See"
"Tuna Biting Off Washington Coast"

Well, you get the idea. These darned things are infectious though... like eating potato chips, it's hard to stop. OK, just one more... "Judge Blocks Discharge of Gay Seaman"  OK, one more... but this is absolutely the last one: "Two-Headed Baby Recalls Similar Birth in 1970"

The End.


"Blind Woman Gets Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years"  Whoops! Couldn't help it.
"Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing"  Sorry

                                                                       (so it's a reprint from April, 2010... boo hoo)

What are the odds...

King Kong fills out perfect 'March Madness' bracket--wins $1 Billion

The odds of winning Warren Buffett's $1 Billion for a perfect NCAA March Madness bracket are 1 in 9.2 quintillion-plus.

Here's a simple way to visualize how much that is: List every possibility on its own sheet of paper. That many pages would weigh more than 500 million times the weight of the Empire State Building. So King Kong did have an unfair advantage!

My suggestion for the serious fans, win the lottery 3 or 4 times to get the feel of it... then click here for more confidence. (I promise, it's worth it!)

I need 7 1/2 minutes of your time...

I really need 7 1/2 minutes. I'm not trying to sell anything or asking for money... but when it comes to being a hero or playing it forward or trust or love, this will be impactful and touching. It's a short Singapore produced film called Gift . It will touch your heart.

$9 billion in cash... and other stuff.

Grocery chain Safeway was just purchased for $9 billion in cash by a capital investment firm. I heard the big cheese of supermarket buyers just opened his wallet and peeled off nine one-billion dollar bills. Safeway knew they were legit because the bills all had a hologram of Donald Trump imbedded in the paper.

I'm kind of nostalgic about all of this... I was fired from my first job at a Safeway store. Most people won't make change for a billion... not without a purchase they say... so last time I needed to break a one-billion dollar bill, I just bought a sausage biscuit at McDonald's and got change... $200 in paper and the rest in quarters, dimes, nickels and pennies.

New York City is beside itself in anticipation over the thought that musician James Murphy is going to make its extensive subway system a work of symphonic art.  He plans to revamp the underground sound of the MTA by changing the cacophony produced by the subway turnstiles and oncoming train alerts. "They make this unpleasant beep and are all slightly out of tune from one another," he says.

"I became kind of obsessed with this idea that instead of just unpleasant, with almost no change at all, it could be beautiful."

The idea came to him after he was blown-away by the Tokyo underground system's friendly voices and "incredibly gentle beeps." Then, in the Barcelona airport, the four-note sequence before an announcement reminded him of the opening notes of the group Chicago's song "Color My World."

So, after he has re-tuned the beeps and sounds, if allowed, all 468 stations on the 323-mile long MTA will play one hauntingly charming and catchy tune, "It's a Small World After All." A rider would never have to lament missing even one note. (The song is a joke, but the rest is true.)

With one sport season over-
lapping another, overlapping another, overlapping another, there is always a Most Valuable Person award every month or so. Here's my choice for the MVP at an upcoming St. Patrick's Day parade in every hometown.

From this human point-of-view, it doesn't take much to be most valuable to someone. Go for it!

Speaking of that and intending to end on an inspiring note or two, I saw something that made me sad a few days ago. I was waiting in line at a very fancy restaurant (McDonald's again) and noticed the young family in front of me... dad was ordering breakfast for his wife, four-year-old daughter (I'd guess) and infant in a car-seat. Order was placed on the counter as he reached into his pocket to pay... but (and I didn't put this together til after), he was short of cash. He told the order-taker that he had to go to the car for more money and directed his family to follow him. Then, as I stepped to the front of the line, I saw the cash register flash "Sale cancelled." I raced to the door just in time to see their car pulling away and felt really bad that, had I been more aware, I could have "played it forward."

I'm really sorry I blew this chance but there will be others... for me and for you. Play it forward doesn't have to be big to be impactful for someone who needs a little boost... and to that voice in your head that says "That's what it's all about."

What did the toilet paper say to the toothbrush?

The toothbrush has been around since... ? (Hint: six years after Columbus sailed the ocean blue.)

And the toothbrush has felt sorry for itself all these years because, as our bathrooms have changed from outhouses to high tech wonders, it is still brusha, brusha, brusha, two or three times a day, pretty much the same old way... with auto vibration thrown in just to appease it.

IT'S SO MAD, IT'S JUST NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY MORE!"

Well, thanks to technology, it won't have to. There's now an App for that.

"The World's First Available Interactive Electric Toothbrush" now links to your smartphone, thanks to Proctor & Gamble. It not only brushes your teeth but gives mouth-care tips and news headlines. Russia has invaded Ukraine... you missed a spot... another winter storm is on the way... up and down stupid... and now a word from our sponsors... 

Oh sure, it does other things too, like record your brushing history and timing each brush... you know, the important stuff. As one industry observer noted, "It's like having a microwave you put in your mouth." (Yeah, he really said that.) Does this mean that if the coffee you are drinking is too cold, you set the toothbrush at 30 seconds, press "start" and hold tight to the sink. On the other hand, we could see some world records in gargling.

A competing manufacturer is betting on "sensors and analytics to improve your brushing with algorithms designed by five (yes 5) mathematicians to identify which quadrant of the mouth a user is brushing. We want to use data to reinvent the way people brush their teeth."

How have we lived so long without this?

Now move over, bidet... my guess is that lowly toilet paper will be augmented by the next App we see. We already have the cutest darn toilet paper ads on TV offering "a good wipe." You know the brand, the kind that all the bears in the woods use. Says some future industry mogul: "It's almost like having a Roto-Rooter in your back pocket." All of which begs the question: How many mathematicians will it take to improve "the wipe?"

*Art by my new friend, cartoonist and editor, Tim Peckham

Sunny, windy and hot

Credit NASA/SDO with thanks

As winter wanes...  a good forecast is worth its weight in gold. Don't forget to use your sun tan lotion.




Sadly, this wasn't the forecast for our area... or our planet. A few days ago, NASA's Solar Dynamic Observatory noted an enormous burst of plasma--a solar flare. These things happen, you know.

As big goes, this bigger-than-most eruptions from the sun's surface was estimated as a million-plus miles... accompanied by a 4.5 million miles-per-hour wind so hold on to your hats.

Want to be impressed? Take a look at this.

You might suspect I'm a little over-the-top when it comes to the enormity of space and its every facet. A few night ago, I watched the International Space Station cross my section of sky. The ISS has now logged over 1.5 billion miles since 2000 when it was launched, and has been visited by more that 200 astronauts. The space station, including its large solar arrays, spans the area of a U.S. football field, including the end zones, and weighs a little shy of 100,000 pounds. The complex now has more livable room than a conventional six-bedroom house and has two bathrooms, a gymnasium and a 360-degree bay window.

It is only 220 miles from earth traveling at 17,000 miles-per-hour--peanuts by space standards--but it sure is awesome. Want to see it? This website will tell you where and when to look.

Oh, by the way, if anyone should ask, those who know say there are at least 8.8 billion planets that are similar in size and temperature to earth... and lots, lots, lots more that aren't.

I love this stuff!

PANTS PRESSED FREE

Clyde, my dad. He died at age 47 in 1965.

My dad told me a story once: A guy is walking down the street and he sees a sign in the window of a tailor shop:

 WHAT DO YOU THINK

 PANTS PRESSED FREE 

So the guy looks at his wrinkled pants and thinks, "Wow, what a great deal." He goes in and tells the tailor,  "I want my pants pressed."

After he removes them in the dressing room, the tailor takes, presses and returns the pants just like new. "That will be $3," he says.

"WHAT!" the man responds. "Your sign in the window says press pants free."

"You didn't see the question mark?" the tailor asked. "The sign says, WHAT DO YOU THINK,  PANTS PRESSED FREE?"

If it's too good to be true, it probably isn't true. Or, if it is true, it won't be for long because this is today and everyone knows we have shown a tendency to ruin a good thing if we keep trying.

So, is that cynical enough for you?

Then what do you believe: Shipped for free. Guaranteed to last. Our products are guaranteed to

give 100% satisfaction in every way. Return anything purchased from us at anytime if it proves otherwise. We do not want you to have anything from L.L.Bean that is not completely satisfactory.

Now THAT'S a guarantee you can count on from a company that has been succeeding in business for more than 100 years! Orvis, Patigonia and Marmot are holding on to similar policies despite customer abuse.

We often work really hard to ruin a good thing... and sadly, it doesn't take many to ruin it for all. A number of such gracious policies have been altered as not sustainable because they are regularly taken advantage of by a crass "I'm more special than you are," minority.

REI, which once had the endearing nickname, 'Return Everything Inc.' has had to change its open return policy because of such abuse. Many hundreds of returned items are stacked in storage bins or hanging on racks and many more are lining shelf after shelf, all with tags that detail customer complaints.

"Doesn't fit well," is the story of women's clogs, so worn that the original design has faded.
"Not sexy enough," says another long ago, well-worn purchase tag. REI's 'No questions asked' return policy even honored a current value return of a snow suit  bought in 1970 to climb Mt. Rainier.

One man returned a 2004 backpack that had seen extensive use because it "was getting old and dirty, and I didn't like it anymore." REI sent him a brand new one plus $17 in cash as the difference in price the man originally paid. Then, the man returned that one for a newer model. REI has received 'knock-off' products, items bought at garage sales or taken from garbage dumps and returned for refunds. Some have bragged in on-line message boards of using REI  return dollars like an ATM for rent and college tuition.

Patagonia recently received a backpack and shirt that was shredded after the wearer was stabbed while on vacation in Egypt. Another got a new backpack when rescue workers had to cut his old one off while saving his life in a rock climbing accident.

"The culture has changed over the years and now people will take advantage of any opportunity they can," say one loyal REI customer.

Recently even Disney theme parks have been forced to make important policy changes. No longer will families with disabled children be afforded line-cutting privileges because so many healthy families game the system. They say some of its members are ill or disabled so they don't have to wait in line. And some wealthy parents have even gone to hiring disabled 'tour guides' to be first. A number without special needs are renting unnecessary wheel chairs. "The honor system, evidently, is obsolete," one observed.

"And what of those children who really do need their wheelchairs of leg braces?" asks a Wall Street Journal article. "Those are the children whose fragile medical conditions make a day at a Disney park a rare and wonderful, but tenuous and wearying, occasion. Their parents can say to them, truthfully: The reason the rules have changed is that some other mothers and fathers told their children to pretend their lives are as hard as yours."

There should be a name for those who feel strongly that THEY are the only important ones. These are the 'gamers' of life, those who are so special that others can even pick up their garbage thrown on the highways of life. I disgustingly call them Litterers of Life.

(Part II) Brazil: Multi cultural, multi colorful Brazil... PLUS: Something valuable FREE!

Race, color and culture mark South America's largest, and only Portuguese speaking country as remarkable. Brazil is the 5th largest and 5th most populist country in the world. But even more interesting is its ethnic mix-- White at 48%, Pardo (multiracial) at 43%, Black, Asian and Amerindian--and here, it gets interesting.

--> My anthropologist son-in-law Michael Baran, spent the better part of two years in Brazil examining how race is perceived. Both he and his wife/my daughter Jill are anthropologists--so ask about the Galapagos fishermen and she's got that covered... giving us a grand reason for two most fascinating travel itineraries. 

“Lots of social scientists like to compare race in Brazil to the United States. They think that unlike the United States, in Brazil, ethnic definitions are referred to in hundreds of racial categories that are really based on looks," says Baran. "And they can be based on things like different shades of brown... or creative things like 'coffee with milk.' Some say that the soccer great, Pele, even has a racial term named just for him. Other anthropologists, however, say that’s just Brazilians being creative. While there is certainly racial discrimination, race in Brazil is ethnically and colorfully acknowledged... and complicated.”

And to drive that point home and show how people really see themselves, Baran has created two very popular interactive apps for iPhone and iPad. One is increasingly seen on corporate websites by companies large and small to emphasize the business world's commitment to racial diversity. It is called (Don't) Guess My Race . Read the reviews below then you can try it yourself by clicking the website. You'll see why it is deemed so vital to our understanding. 

There is also a young person's race awareness game, Who Am I? available free. Here is Baran's

website.

How good are these apps and why should you/your  kids have this experience? Read the reviews, try the game and decide for yourself:

"After years trying to get Americans to wrestle with a subject that makes most of us cringe, Baran hit on a strategy trusted by parents everywhere to get kids to eat vegetables and brush their teeth: He turned race into a game…By combining gaming, art, the subjects’ own poignant words and bite-size nuggets of anthropological insight into how race developed – or rather, how we developed it — Baran is turning a conversation stopper into a conversation starter.” The Boston Globe



"I had my doubts about this. More than doubts. Who’d believe that “there’s an app for that” could be anything more than a joke in the context of talking to kids about race? When we put the iPhone down, I expected a shrug from my kid-the kind of reaction I get when I tell him something he already knows or wants to pretend he does or just isn’t really interested in. Instead, I got “I loved that!” The look on his face, the tone of his voice-he reacted as though I’d opened up something that explained the mysteries of the world, and maybe I did.”  Slate

"I was surprised by how delighted my children were with the apps, and with the freedom to ask questions that they conferred. We’ve had plenty of direct conversations since, and unfortunately, current events constantly provide us with the opportunity to have more.” New York Times

Yes, Brazil is most colorful and should produce a quite a feast for the eyes of the rest of the world as Rio de Janeiro hosts the 2014 World Cup AND the 2016 Summer Olympics.

What's in a name? If you are from Brazil, lots! (Part I)

Names can be quite quirky. Where you come from is big.

Take 12-year-old soccer prodigy
Petroswickonicovic Wandeckerkof da Silva Santos, for example. His friends simply (simply?) know him as Petroswickonicovic. But, if he continues to excel in his sport, his fans may know him differently in future years... like Edson Arante do Nascimento... Pele to the world.

What's in a name then? Ask that question in Brazil and stand back.

As the New York Times recently noted, there is Mike Tyson Schwarzenegger Pradella Errolflynn Paixao Charlingtonglaevionbeecheknavare dos Anjos Mendonca, a Brazilian plumber who, thankfully, goes by Chacha (pronounced Sha-sha in Portuguese)  and Wonarlievyston Garlan Marlion Branddon Buno Paullynelly Mell Oliveira Pereira too. (If you spot any missppeellingz, please let me know.)

Brazil is a most colorful country and the names of many "reflect centuries of immigration, conquest and slavery... to produce a fusion of identities," says the NYTimes." In a country with an array of musical traditions, from the melodious bossa nova to sertanejo country music, naming experts also mention the symphonious way some unusual names resonate when they are coined by expecting parents. Brazil... ranks among nations where naming has evolved into something resembling a competitive sport."

"Never think he or she was making a joke about his or her name," advises Mexican novelist Juan Pablo Villalobos. "No matter what name they told you, it's the actual name.

A Sao Paulo TV station recently found a family with seven children: Elvis, Elvisnei, Elvismara, Elvislei, Elvicentina, Elvisfaine and Elvislene. And if you are All Shook Up after hearing those names, That's All Right," said dad in this made-up quote.  "Don't Be Cruel because these kids are Always on My Mind."

Having had the best excuse in the world to visit and travel in Brazil a handful of years back--our kids lived there and their first child/our grandchild Rio (talk about a coincidence) was conceived there--the country remains alive in my mind for so many reasons.

Race, color and culture mark South America's largest, and only Portuguese speaking country as remarkable. This should produce a quite a feast for the eyes of the rest of the world as Rio de Janeiro hosts the 2014 World Cup AND the 2016 Summer Olympics.

Part II, Brazil: Multi cultural, multi colorful Brazil. See it here, Friday in my next post. 

How many is 6 million?

If you wrote one 4-letter word in type so small that it takes a good magnifying glass to read it... and you printed that word, again and again, in a book large enough to fill a coffee-table, with each word butted against the other, border to border, six-million times, the book would be 1,250 pages thick and almost illegible.

That book is titled And Every Single One was Someone. Its only word is "Jew."

Each word represents one Jew killed during the Holocaust... one human being who breathed, worked, loved and lived. It's new, available at Amazon and elsewhere.

There is a much larger book at the Holocaust memorial and museum in Washington D.C. simply titled Book of Names. It is 6 1/2 feet tall, 46 feet in circumference. In it are the documented identities of 4.3 million of the those victims.

      What exactly was the difference? he wondered to himself. And who decided which people 
     wore the striped pajamas and which people wore the uniforms?”
     ― John Boyne, The Boy in the Striped Pajamas 

In Peoria, Illinois, there is an outdoor Holocaust memorial of 18 Star of David shaped glass columns filled with 11-million buttons that represent six-million Jews and five-million  “enemies of the state” who were murdered--political and religious leaders, Roman gypsies, Serbians, Catholics, homosexuals, Jehovah’s Witnesses, the trade unionists, alcoholics and the handicapped. Each targeted group wore a different colored triangle to identify their “enemy” status. The columns, filled with buttons from different parts of the world, are wrapped in yellow ribbon labeled "No Hate Zone."
  
     Monsters exist, but they are too few in numbers to be truly dangerous. More dangerous 
     are… the functionaries ready to believe and act without asking questions.
     ― Primo Levi

If I had an extra $4 million, I know what I would do...

... I would buy a 30-second television ad spot during the upcoming Super Bowl XLVIII (which, for those not familiar with Latin or don't have enough fingers, is 3-1/2 baker's dozen plus II, give or take half a donut).

My commercial would feature a clever little video starring all my grandchildren--with the oldest, now 17 (I can't believe it) and a really good driver, at the wheel--in a dramatic car chase through the streets of San Francisco... you know, like flying over the steep hills and careening down the crookedest street in the world... stuff like that. (Been done before? Not like this, it hasn't.)

The video would feature every cute grandchild in the car, all dressed alike in a nice plaid or paisley with silly little hats--for drama and color harmony, of course--screaming, laughing, saying clever things and daring fate in a way that makes Indiana Jones look like a girl scout (not that there is anything wrong with that)... and cats, of course to capture those who hate kids but love cats... with fast, dramatic, heart-pounding music. (Note to parents and concerned citizens: These scenes all done by stunt doubles, of course. Do you realize how difficult it is to find a stunt double for a three-month-old?)

The car would finally race toward the outgoing ferry to Sausalito as it was pulling away, jumping the Bay and the widening gap between pier and deck, finally doing a screeching 180 halt on the deck (so the front of the car is facing the camera). Then, the cutest of the grandkids (you know who you are, right? The ones who have my nose.) would hop--or crawl--out of the car, look into the camera and say, for all 100 million billion riveted fans (those not going to the bathroom), "Read papa's blog, Itsnutsoutthere.blogspot.com ... so it can go viral!"

Closing shot features the blog's web address as the music sweetens... image fades to black, then cuts to the announcer who says, "And now, on to the game."

Now THAT'S what I'm talking about.

Money, Money, Money...

ABBA: Agnetha, Anni-Frid, Benny, Bjorg

Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man's world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In the rich man's world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It's a rich man's world


 ABBA had a ton of hits from the mid '70s to the late '90s. Its songs are the heart of the popular musical, Mama Mia. But perhaps no ABBA song has more relevance than its 1976 recording of  Money, Money, Money.

Maybe you've seen this story: 85 of the world's richest billionaires are as wealthy as the poorest 3.5 billion people in the world!

Forbes Magazine tells us there are l,426 billionaires in the world today. So minus the 85 super wealthiest, there are 1,341 'poorer' billionaires (not counting Scrooge McDuck or Richie Rich) on the outside looking in. How's it feel, you guys, to be poorer?

Bill & Melinda Gates with Warren Buffett

Now before you get the wrong idea, I really like the rich... and so should you. Even if, in our lesser status we are envious, make fun of them or notice a few may be jerks and worse, a world without rich couldn't work. I think that's been tried. Most rich have earned their fortunes by creating opportunities and providing services for others... and many are dramatically benevolent.

Not only have Bill and Melinda Gates and Warren Buffett already committed more than half of their billions through the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, they have gotten 102 other 'very rich' to sign The Giving Pledge agreeing to do likewise. And they continually work to recruit others like themselves. Take a look... the Giving Pledge makes very interesting reading. 

Bill Gates once said he and his wife plan to leave their children a very small  (but still not bad) inheritance of their mega billions with the remainder to be used for continuing benevolence. These actions represent just some of the good that money can do.

And no, they and all their pals cannot solve all the world's unbalance. They have done, and will continue to do great things for humankind. Yet, there remain many, many below the poverty line that struggle mightily. These include the new poor--"not only  those laid-off blue collar workers but also downsized tech workers, managers, lawyers and other once-comfortable professionals," says The Atlantic. "Poverty is not a character failing or a lack of motivation. Poverty is a shortage of money... (which) arises largely from inadequate wages." 

OK. I'll stop there because I'm trying to be apolitical.

It is ironic though, that professional athletes in many sports regularly sign million-dollar contracts and in most states, the highest paid state employee is a football or basketball coach, yet a teacher often cannot make a wage great enough to support a family. And no, it is not the athlete's or coach's fault to take what is there but our misguided judgement of value to benefit which has deep roots. Give the rich their due, but money cannot buy everything... and it certainly cannot buy poverty.

The fact is, the spread between rich and poor is widening and the middle class is 'middling' at best. The greatest benefit of a robust... or any economy goes to the wealthy. It's expensive to be poor because a far great percentage of all dollars goes to just trying to get by... and sometimes, even with help, that is not enough. Poverty is a hole without luxury, opportunity or an easy way out.

I hope and pray that those with the power to move mountains get on this case.