At Easter, a time for hope... and I was touched by this

It is an original poem published in a local newspaper:

sometimes i can't hold back
this feeling
i wish it would go away
and never meet the light
of day
why can't i keep away
from my selfish ways
to not look back
but could i ask
is it possible
to move forward
and never look back
as i move toward the light to find
a way out of my mind
how can i
when i'm blind
and can't see the world
or whre to turn
why can't i look away
and forget everything

The author, whose name I won't use, is in 7th grade.

On the 2,000th (+/-) anniversary of The Last Supper

             ...did you ever wonder what they ate?

While the three gospels that write about it mention only bread and wine, and author Dan Brown mentions women (Mary Magdeline), no one talks about song (Gregorian chants, Lord). Back to the food... Over the years, 52 of the most famous depictions (including Leonardo daVinci's) show the size of the meal increasing, and no, it is not a loaves and fishes miracle thing.

The plates are bigger. The main course portions (depicted variously as fish, lamp, pork and eel) grew larger in paintings over time. Today, they are shown super-sized (wonder where that come from), a whopping 69% larger. These are the findings as reported in the International Journal of Obesity, of all places.

It is speculated that the depiction of food just grew larger with the more plentiful times, reflecting how much we ate. So perhaps that is why so many of us in first world countries are obese. Super-size it and they will come.

Oh... lest I forget, thank you God! I am truly grateful.

Got time for a little bit of this and a little bit of that?

First it was ESPN, then it was ESPN2, and now the NFL has its channel as does NASCAR. So what's next? How about the Professional Alligator Wrestling Channel... All alligator wrestlin' all the time. I think they are on to something here.

Actually, the pro alligator wrestlers have taken the first step by forming the Free-style Alligator Wrestling Competitions (FAWC for all you acronymites out there) which will hold annual meets and promote the activity as a legitimate sport. This is for real.

Alligator wrestling is a lot harder than it looks, say the pros.  (Actually, it looks pretty hard to me already.) James Holt is 6' 1' and weighs in at 350 lbs but says size does not give him an advantage. Mental acuteness does. "The hardest part is making sure you're in the right frame of mind. You gotta be in the moment... that alligator is a lot stronger than I am."

Pro Jimmy Riffle offers this tip: "Number one rule... you cannot be afraid to get bit." (That kinda leaves me out.)

Austin Billie learned how to wrestle alligators two years ago and says the most important lesson is "know your limits. Wrestlers are trained to be vigilant of the gator's 'areas of danger,' which is (sic) pretty much anywhere near its mouth." Actually, that would be my guess too.

So now that you are all rev'd up, go to Google and find the alligator wrestling school nearest you. Get in on the ground floor and you could be a household name in no time at all.

"All I know is that Fred Barnstable is a household name around here," says Al Alligator. "He was just delicious. The missus and I talk about him all the time." See what I mean? I just hope it's not fake like 'you-know-what.'

                                                         ***

Since alligator wrestling really doesn't pay all that much according to the pros, there are a few other options as we examine some of the worst jobs in science as identified by Popular Science Magazine.

Armpit detective: Researchers actually study armpits to try to "isolate the compounds that give us our unique aroma." And yes, someone has to smell... in the name of science, of course.

Feces piper: This facilitator is absolutely vital in a "fecal transplant" (for real!) which involves feeding healthy feces into someone infected with the C. difficile bacteria. This somewhat controversial procedure is done in a few hospitals. And it also sounds like a disease that Doctors Larry, Curly and Moe used to treat all the time.


Sneeze modeler: When a sneeze or spittle from a cough lands on the face of 'the modeler,' it is studied in hopes of finding the areas of the body most susceptible to the flu virus. And a big "AHH-CHOO!" to you too.

Bad-dance observer, dung curator, oceanic-snot diver, doomsday fact-checker, bean counter (not the CPA kind), tissue-reaper and multispecies baby tickler round out the top 10. These are real occupations, folks. A healthy imagination might give you a hint as to the job specs. So polish those resumes and you could be in line for a Nobel Prize if all goes well.  

Oh, as an afterthought, before you laugh these off, you may want to consider that this research was probably funded by a government grant... and you paid for it!

                                                              ***


Happy story with a winner: Jessica Silverman was walking past the Hilton New York Hotel in Manhattan recently when a person in the booth promoting an insurance company asked her to guess how many jellybeans were in their jar. Without breaking step lest she set herself up for a sales pitch, she said 7,954... and guess what? She was exactly correct and took home  $25,000. I love stories like that.

                                                              ***

Sad story with a looser: In Baltimore, a cult leader and two 'assistant cult leaders' were convicted of second-degree murder for starving a 1-year-old boy because he did not say "Amen" during a prayer. I hate stories like that.

                                                             *** 


Story that is just plain stupid: Another New York woman and her husband have filed separate lawsuits against a Manhattan wig store. The woman claims a mannequin head fell on her foot inflicting permanent nerve damage. The husband claims that injury has ruined their sex life because his wife can no longer curl her toes. Sounds a little kinky to me.

Is it Nuts Out There or is it just me?

Two leprechauns walk into a bank...

... and say in an adorable thick Irish brogue, "Well sure and by golly, this is a hold up." And police shot them dead. Now if that doesn't put a damper on the wearin' o' the green, I don't know what will.

Actually, that's a true story... but one thing I don't understand... wasn't the pot of gold they put at the end of every rainbow enough?

Just saw the second largest St. Patrick's Day parade in the United States. First, of course, is New York. But Savannah, Georgia the second? Really. Savannah only has a population of 200,000 but there were an estimated 400,000 watching. Actually, 400,002 counting my wife and I.

The parade featured 330 units from all over the country and lasted three-plus hours. It had Irish marchers, Irish dancers and Irish kissers, which is a big custom in this parade. Girls line the route and lay on the lipstick, then when some particularly handsome, or fun looking marchers come by, they rush out and plant a big, indelible kiss on the cheek. As for the marchers, some smile, some, like the Marine Corps units, don't even break step, but all march on as marked men. Fun time, even if the weather didn't exactly smile. My take on all of that... there are sure a lot more Irish in Savannah than I would have guessed.... And really, do the men wear anything under those kilts? It was cold and drafty and all I could think about was 'shrinkage."

So that explains why no post in a week. Ok... I'm ready again.

Pike's Pique

Oh, I know... a very clever title. Actually, it is right on. 







In Switzerland, the official animal lawyer of Zurich, a public defender for animals, took the fisherman who landed a 22-pound pike to court. Representing the pike, the attorney argued that the 10-minute fight to land the 4-foot fish caused it cruel and unusual punishment. Seriously, the Swiss take animal rights very seriously. Obviously!

In the world's most neutral country, if you want to own a dog, you must take a four-hour course on the care and fair treatment of dogs and other animals before you can buy the pet. According to the law, social species like birds, fish and yaks (I once knew a guy who went yak back riding) must have companionship. Bird cages and aquariums must have at least one opaque side to make the occupants feel safe. If you must put a sick fish to rest, you can't just flush it down the toilet. You must mercifully give it a sharp blow to the head or immerse it in a water-clove oil-alcohol mix.

Now mind you, the Swiss are known for their kindness to animals... and their right-to-die laws. Each year, hundreds of humans come to Switzerland to kill themselves... presumably with a sharp, self-inflicted blow to the head or by submerging themselves in a vat of water-clove oil-alcohol.

Back to the pike... regrettably, it lost the case... but its attorney has filed an appeal. Any subsequent victory might be met with a high five fin-to-hand slap and a celebratory, majestic leap out of water... except for the sad fact that the pike had already been eaten... and it was delicious!

In a recent national election, Swiss voters rejected a referendum that would have mandated all 26 cantons to hire animal defense attorneys... guess they figured one for all of Switzerland was just right... either that or they feared that with 26 lawyers, animals could get the upper hand... er paw, fin, whatever.

Now I understand why sharks don't eat lawyers... professional courtesy.

Thisa and thata about data

Isn't it about time I blamed something on Charles Darwin? Every one else seems to be. His darn theory of evolution... it's all his fault. Actually, if the world was the NCAA title basketball game, Team Evolution would be winning 85-29 with two minutes left, so it's really not that bad.

On the plus side, evolving helped us survive... that's big. But, it also was the cause of a lot of today's maladies. Like if we didn't use our spine to walk upright instead of on all fours, we wouldn't have chronic back problems... and we'd probably still have a cute little tail (like a bunny, I hope, not a beaver or kangaroo or monkey). And our Appendixes would do more than just go bad and kill us. We would all have dark eyes and coarse hair and our brains would not have shrunk 10 %. Now there's a real problem. (As an aside, a number of the NFL football players are donating their brains to science when they die. Today, it will take 10 % more players to equal the Neanderthal Bears of the old PFL--Prehistoric Football League.)

And here's a big one... today's average foot has grown four shoe sizes larger for both men and women since 1900. I just had a rare chance to look at the 2099 Buster Brown shoe catalog-- those companies have to work quite a bit in advance, you know-- and this is a nice pair your children will be wearing.

Evolution is good because if you are a guy, sperm develops better at lower than body temperatures... however, the testicles are now at a greater risk of injury. Thanks a lot, Darwin.

Evolution is good because if you are a gal, your pelvis is narrower, butt not so big, for walking. However, it makes a tighter squeeze when giving birth. Says my daughter, *&%# you, Darwin!

One last quiz item of interest that Darwin seems to have nothing to do with: Can you name the one part of the body, then and today, that is the same size at birth as it is at death? Everything else grows but this one thing. Got it? The eyeball.  Enough Darwin-bashing. On to something else.

                                                                        ***

What do the numbers 39-18-33 mean to you? How about a svelte woman's measurements? (Didn't think of that, did you?) And that woman is 50 years old! I'm talking about Barbie here... and my, doesn't she still look so good? The measurements, of course, are her proportions as if she is a real person, not counting childish fantasies. It is no wonder that Ken chased her for so many years. Oh, I know... it was only for her personality.

Well, Barbie just had a very good year... for her Godfather Mattel, that is. In 2009, Barbie sales jumped 12% in a down toy market. However, Barbie is starting 2010 out on a different note, if this news is any indicator.

Walmart has been accused of 'Barbie racism' by 'activists.' (Story didn't specify if it meant Barbie activists or race activists... just activists.) Seems one store had dark-skinned Barbies and light-skinned Barbies displayed side-by-side, and the price tag on the dark-skinned Barbies read $3 while one shelf to the left, the light-skinned Barbies were going for $5.93.

That "devalued the black doll," said the activists.  It was nothing more than inventory management, said Walmart.

All I know is that G.I. Joe never had these problems. If he did, he would have come out firing.

HOT NEWS: Mattel has just announced that it will be marketing a new version of Barbie and Ken styled after the characters in the "Mad Men" TV series... which will be quite a change for Barbie... a steno pool worker and Ken, an account executive who chain smokes. 

                                                                         ***


Oh, if you look down two posts (to March 9th), you will see I talked about the major earthquake in Chile. Well, I have just a little bit more. the 8.8 quake on the Richter Scale was so significant that it not only moved cities a few inches, it actually shortened earth's day. Really! NASA's Jet Propulsion Lab geophysicists have calculated it shifted the axis of Earth's mass by 3 inches from where it was. That has the same effect, says one geologist, "as an ice skater going around in a circle... when she pulls her arms in, she goes faster." Well we are.

Thanks to Chile, our Earth day is now 1.26 millionths of a second shorter than it used to be. So if you haven't already reset your clocks to daylight savings time, remember to stop 1.26 millionths of a second short of an hour and you won't even notice the difference. For those of you who have already adjusted your clocks, hold on tight.

Another damn post on happiness

Geeze... get off my back already. I'm happy, ok? Can't you tell? So shut up!

Alright. Here's what this is all about. A few recent studies have shown that, on the happiness scale, about 64% of us say we are very happy... like an 8 out of 10 in happiness. That paints a pretty happy American picture... perhaps skewed somewhat because happiness really is hard to measure. I knew a guy who laughed once (at his own stupid joke)... just once in all the years I knew him. He said, with a gruff frown, "I'm happy, damnit!"

Now I'm more willing to go along with the Center for Disease Control and Prevention's study. It tried to quantify how happiness might be measured. Married people, for example, and wealthy people tend to appear happier than poor alone sorts. Well duh!

Those who had access to clean water, medicine and other life essentials are happier than those who are hopelessly sick and drink fetid water. Hmmm. So far, I get it.

Anyhow, that study of a large sample, 350,000 people, showed which states are the happiest. If you are really slap-happy (you laugh inanely for no apparent reason), then you would live in Louisiana, Hawaii, Florida, Tennessee and Arizona... the top five.

New York, not surprising to me, is dead last, just ahead of Connecticut, Michigan, Indiana and New Jersey... the bottom five. I live in number 13, so ha ha ha.

Does it seem coincidentally strange that the top five are all 'no winter' states... relatively speaking, and people who live in the bottom five say things like, "I really love the snow, don't you," or "Nothing makes you feel so alive as a brisk 20 degrees below zero, wind-in-your-face day."

Now here's another measurement to worry about. Bored people are two-and-a-half times more likely to die of heart problems, says a British study. Boredom may be a sign of depression or associated with an unhealthy lifestyle... smoking, drug use, lack of exercise.

So here's the bottom line. If you live in New York and are bored, WATCH OUT! On the other hand, if you live in Louisiana, you could die giddily happy in a hurricane.

Take this happiness test... If you find any of these funny, you may be ok. If you don't, then maybe you deserve what you get:

Doctor, you've got to help me; I can't stop thinking I'm a goat.
I see. And how long have you had this problem?
Ever since I was a kid.

A woman goes into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'd just as soon have a baby as get a tooth pulled."
The dentist says, "Make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair."

"I'm sorry to tell you," the doctor says, "but you only have about five minutes to live."
"Oh, my God, Doctor, isn't there anything you can do for me?"
"Well, would you like me to boil you and egg?"

Ta-dah!

Ever wonder what the hell to blog about?

Nothing seems to fit together... you have this and that, but no theme... and having just cleaned up after your dog, your senses are numbed.  So, getting desperate, you say, "OK. I'm going to write about everything all at once." Satisfied with that stroke of genius, you begin:

If this doesn't have you shaking your head, then you are not a bobble-head doll... or too dense to get the irony. In South Carolina, two black high-schoolers were awarded a $150,000  settlement against their school because other black students mocked them for "acting white."  Their lawyer said the school had an obligation to protect them from racial harassment and "to do well in school is considered acting white... that is part of why we're saying that it was racial." Wait... huh? Sad, actually.

The 8.8 magnitude earthquake that hit Chile was about 100 times more powerful than the one in Haiti. (It's a Richter Scale thing.) Want to know how powerful that is? Well, it MOVED the capital city, Santiago, about 11 inches to the west/southwest... the Chilean city of Concepcion is actually 11 feet further west! And no, I don't know how they measured it... don't ask stupid questions. That's my job.

Think that's a big deal? The six- mile wide meteor that hit Mexico's Yucatan Peninsula a mere 65 million years ago-- the one that scientists believe wiped out the dinosaurs-- altered earth's orbit by 3 1/2 inches! Now I know... for that, they borrowed God's GREAT BIG TAPE MEASURE.

All this does is confirm my theory. If China, with it's 1.3 billion people, really wanted to threaten the rest of the world, all it would have to do is tell all of its people to stand perfectly still until an agreed-upon split second, then jump up and down at the exact same time. Whammo! end of earth... either that or it will bring the dinosaurs back and prove once and for all that Godzilla was real. (He certainly looked real in the movie.)

Usain Bolt, the world-record holder of the 100-meter dash and acknowledged "fastest man on earth, hits the tape at about 28 miles per hour in just 9.69 seconds. How impressive is that? Compared to a cheetah, not much, but if you consider, from the starter's gun to the breaking of the tape, 42 babies were born in the world... more if one of the mothers was Octomom. Now I am impressed.

A Wyoming University study determined the real limitation on running speed is the rate at which muscles in the body can contract and propel the limbs forward. By analyzing muscle fibers and running lots of tests, it was theorized that a human, running a perfect race, could hit 40 mph! That would give him a 6.67 second, 28 baby, 100-meter dash... and leave Bolt some 40 yards behind.

World record for driving a truck the most miles with cardboard completely covering the front windshield has to go to the Chinese guy who didn't have time to fix the cab's shattered glass. So he punched a few eye holes in the makeshift cardboard 'windshield' and alternated seeing by using the holes to see and sticking his head out the driver's side window. How far did he drive in the bitter cold? Would you believe 400 miles? When he was finally pulled over by observant police, his face was a windblown bright, Barney-like purple.

A joke... always end a lame post with a joke:

Patient: Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.
Nurse: Have you ever seen a doctor?
Patient: No, just spots.

And they call the wind Maria... I don't think so!

Away out here they got a name
For rain and wind and fire
The rain is Tess, the fire Joe,
And they call the wind Maria*

... and don't tell me you weren't singing the tune as you read the verse. Well, that's a fun wind... like, "ha ha, look at my cow, blowing away with milk coming out her nose" fun. We make up romantic songs to those winds.

I tell you friend, that is such a sissy wind compared to some. Ever been to the top of Mt. Washington in New Hampshire? It stands just 6,300 feet above sea level (Mt. Everest is at 29,000 feet), but because it sits in the path of three major storm tracks and has a few other geological factors thrown in, Mt. Washington has some of the hardest-blowing winds ever recorded, often exceeding 100 mph! As a fact, a big wind almost blew my step-daughter off the mountain (seriously) when she was visiting there as a little girl.

A category 5 hurricane-- the kind that destroyed New Orleans-- exceeds 155 mph and you know what that can do. Now let's push the envelope... winds over 200 mph. Actually, for Mt. Washington, that is not even rare. It once held the measured wind speed record of 231 mph. 

How strong is a 200 mph wind? If you were lining up against 6' 4", 260-pound Brian Urlacher of the Chicago Bears, it would be like hitting cotton candy compared to "the big wind." Nobody goes out in the big wind.

Tropical Cyclone Olivia, which tore across the Indian Ocean in 1995, had winds measuring 253 mph... the highest ever recorded on earth! 

If the rain is Tess, the fire Joe,
We'll call this wind @#%&*!!ier (has to rhyme with Fire, sort-of).

*Soundtrack and Lyrics from Paint Your Wagon"

Ever have that 'falling' dream?

Hmm... neither have I. But if I did, I'd be ready because I just read an item from a Popular Mechanics guy--could'a guessed that... those people think of everything weird--  'How to Survive a Very Long Fall.'

First thing he says..."if you're going to fall 35,000 feet from a plane without a parachute and live, it's probably best to ride a piece of debris on the way down." See, I KNEW there was a catch to it. With my luck, the debris I grab will the the in-flight magazine. "Granted," he says, "the odds of surviving a six-mile plummet are extraordinarily slim, but at this point you've got nothing to loose by understanding your situation."

Believe it or not, there are at least 31 confirmed survival stories. Alan Magee was blasted from his B-17 on a 1943 mission over France and lived. He 'free-fell' 20,000 feet and crashed into a train station. He was then taken as a prisoner-of-war by German troops who probably said, "Ach du lieber" (I have no idea what that means) because they couldn't believe he was still alive.

A skydiving "Brit" fell 10,000 feet after his parachute failed to open. He landed on the roof of an aircraft hangar which 'flexed' to break his fall.

 Don't think I haven't thought about it though. If it were me, I'd keep my legs loose so I could flex just as I hit the ground, then pop-up, spread my arms high and yell "Ta-dah" to the amazement of all those watching. I've got a back-up plan for plunging elevators too.

Actually, it isn't the height that kills you, people who read Popular Mechanics say... it's the sudden stop.

Interesting stuff where relevance doesn't matter

 Just learned fact: It is possible to survive being swallowed by a whale... but the gastric acids will absolutely wreck your complexion," according to author Philip Hoare in his award-winning novel, The Whale.

This changes everything! Pinocchio was REAL! You THE MAN, Geppetto!

A Delaware man is suing a New York strip club... not because he didn't have a good time... but because he just can't remember if he did or not. Seems he entered the club, had two alcoholic beverages and was taken to a private room with his very own lap dancer. The part he can't remember is what happened in that room for the next 90 minutes. He does, however, suspect it must have been very, very 'special'... his credit card showed a $21,620.50 charge.

Those Bulgarians... they know which side their pepper is buttered on. In a recent country-wide survey, the "chushkopek" was voted as the most revolutionary household advance of the 20th century, beating out electricity, television and the cell phone. What is this incredible advancement, you may ask. It is a kitchen appliance (left) that will roast up to seven peppers at a time! As they say in Bulgaria, "Ay ay chihuahua!" ... or is that Italian?


A New York woman has filed a discrimination claim against her supervisor at the Jewish Theological Seminary. She says he frequently "breaks wind," releasing "constant barrages of... flatulence" in her work area.  Honestly, a secular person wouldn't do that... would he?


A short time ago, Giants Stadium in East Rutherford was demolished. It was home to the NFL's New York Giants and New York Jets... in New Jersey, of all places.  Of course, a newer, bigger, more awe-inspiring stadium is being built... not really because the 34-year-old older version failed to serve but because the new one will allow for higher ticket prices, more of those ultra-luxurious, more expensive corporate sky boxes, and most important, more revenue for the owners. But personally, I'm disappointed... not because of any of the above, since none of it will come from me, but because the wrecking crew didn't find the body of Jimmy Hoffa so we could give him a decent burial.

Note: three of these five items involve New York. Honestly Gotham, haven't you guys got anything better to do?

That Mona Lisa smile...

... or is it a smirk? Was Leonardo pulling a fast one on us when he painted the Mona Lisa in his Florence studio 500 years ago. Maybe, as many now think, he was pulling one of the longest-lasting practical jokes of all time... or, he was trying to tell us something?

The actual painting is rather small, just 20 7/8" x 30... oil on wood. All the hoopla over this famous lady could cause you to imagine it larger. And Mona has no eyebrows... but that was not uncommon for a lady in the early 1500s. But Really though, who was she... and what was wry her smile all about? One theory has it that Mona Lisa was a portrait of a banker's wife who bore a more formal version of the name. I'm guessing that is a historical red herring.

Because Leonardo carried the painting with him for life (along with two other self-portraits) gave thought that it is actually another self-portrait of himself in drag, so to speak. While history does not show him to be a cross-dresser, he was believed to be gay. A close inspection of this portrait compared to his other self-portraits shows an astounding 97% match in minute ways. And side-by-side, it really looks close. See for yourself.

Well that, I suppose, could explain the wry smile. OK Leonardo, you are not only a brilliant painter but a genius on many levels... I suppose you've earned the last laugh, you cutie.

(Go to MonaLisamania.com for more Leonardo fun.)

World record!

Actor Warren Beatty has had affairs with Diane Keaton, Leslie Caron, Julie Christie, Joan Collins, Natalie Wood, Madonna, Liv Ullmann, Twiggy, Mary Tyler Moore, Jane Fonda... and a lot more really big notables, according to biographer Peter Biskind in his new book, Star: How Warren Beatty Seduced America... enough for a very impressive life, if that's how score is kept.

But, at almost 73, does he remember who has a dimple here, a tattoo there, a birthmark in some funny place? If so, how does he keep the details straight? Well, he probably doesn't... because this new autobiography calculates he has had affairs with 12,775 women... enough to fill New York's Radio City Music Hall (right) --twice... not counting the Rockettes, of course.... and the daytime quickies, drive-bys, casual gropings and stolen kisses were not included in this number! (I didn't make that up.) 

World Record? I hardly think so.

How could you forget one of the most famous basketball players of all time, Wilt Chamberlain? Sure, Wilt scored 100 points in an NBA game once but, according to his count, that hardly measured up to the 20,000 women he said he 'scored' before he died at age 64. (To add scope to that stat, if the number 20,000 represented days, that would be almost 55 years... so Wilt must have been a very busy man. He was, by the way, a lifelong bachelor, which is understandable since he certainly wouldn't have had time for a wife.)

"The point of using the number," Wilt said, "was to show that sex was a great part of my life as basketball was a great part of my life." I guess! He also said, "With all of you men out there who think that having a thousand different ladies is pretty cool, I have learned in my life... that having one woman a thousand different times is much more satisfying." And who of us mere mortals could know enough to deny that? Wilt is probably one of the very few to speak from experience... oh, and Warren.

Does the name Wham-O ring a bell?

How about Whirlo-Way or Pluto Platter? Well, those were the two early 1950 names given perhaps the most famous... most simple toy ever invented... but it didn't take off (pun intended) right away. The inventor, World War II fighter pilot Fred Morrison, created the disc that he later licensed to Wham-O Manufacturing Company. When Wham-O marketed the Pluto Platter in 1957, they called it the Frisbee after an East Coast pie company who's plates had been used for just that purpose. And now, as Paul Harvey used to say, you know the rest of the story. Frisbee's sales soared (another pun...get it?)  into the hundreds of millions, and it became a counter-culture phenomenon, often seen in the hands of movie stars and famous personalities.

"It is impossible to fathom the impact Fred Morrison has had on the world through the invention of such a simple object..." said the executive director of the World Flying Disc Federation, a non-profit governing body for all competitive things Frisbee. (Aside: My brother-in-law was a card-carrying member #162 of the International Frisbee Assoc. in 1968... he showed me the card!  It shows you, among other things, he is pretty old.... and still a kid at heart,)

As a teen, Morrison had a fascination with flying disks, throwing popcorn lids and cake pans on the Santa Monica beach. One time, a stranger watching offered to buy his cake pan for a quarter. "At that time cake pans cost about a nickel," he wrote in his memoir... and a business was born, then interrupted and almost killed-off by World War II. His P-51 mustang was shot down over Italy in 1945 and he was a POW until the war's end.

Using the aerodynamic knowledge he acquired as a pilot, he refined his model and gave demonstrations at county fairs and stores selling his product. Often, amazed onlookers supposed the disk's unusual flight was caused by unseen wires. He became frustrated when purchasers couldn't get the same results he did because people just didn't know how to throw it. He began printing instructions on the bottom of each "Pluto Platter" which he manufactured, with little bumps, to simulate the "flying saucers from space" that had the public's attention at the time.

Tired and disappointed by a lack of consumer enthusiasm, he licensed the Pluto Platter  to Wham-O in 1957. It was Wham-O that came up with the Frisbee name. "I thought it was stupid," he said.  But it sold... and sold... and sold. And still does. I found seven in my house just today... four for throwing and three purchased as dog toys.

Morrison died this past week at age 90... but his Frisbee will live forever.

What is the largest machine in the world?

No. It's not my toaster which I bought cheap. It's really 18-inches square... pretty big for a toaster.  But it's not that.

It is the Large Hadron Collider, (left: blogger's guess of what it might look like.... but probably not. May not be to scale) built to unlock the deepest secrets of the universe. (Of all the stars and sky we see-- millions of light years into space-- we see less than 4% of the universe's total mass.) This machine, built 300-feet underground near the Swiss/French border,  is basically a connected 17 mile circular tunnel. It contains two large tubes lined with powerful magnets and is helium-cooled to near absolute zero. It's sole purpose is to slam two infinitely tiny particles the size of the center of an atom (and yes, they are way too small to inscribe the Lord's Prayer on. You are, no doubt, thinking of the head of a pin) into each other at almost 186,000 miles per second. (This translates to going around the 17 mile loop 11,000 times per second.)

The cost is modest-- but only if you compare it to all the money in the world-- $10 billion. It's purpose is to try to recreate the Big Bang that scientists believe made our universe happen a mere 13.7 billion years ago. This is so sci-fi-incredible that some physicists say, if we are wrong in our calculations, this could trigger the destruction of earth.  But enough of this happy talk.

Some impressive work has already been done by an atom-smasher in the U.S. The pipsqueak 2.4-mile-wide Relativistic Heavy Ion Collider in Brookhaven, NY has smashed two super cooled, high-speed atoms into each other to create a temperatures of 7.2 trillion degrees-- 250,000 times hotter than the sun's core.

But really, how hot is 7.2 trillion degrees?  Well, the human body is 98.6 degrees; iron's melting point is 2,800 degrees; the Sun's core is 27 million degrees; a supernova is 180 billion degrees; one microsecond after the Big Bang, 7.2 trillion degrees; one millionth of a microsecond after the big bang, 18,000 trillion-trillion degrees.  I just can't imagine how long it would take to toast a marshmallow, but if you are an impatient sort, your s'mores are ready when you are.

Remember physicists, plenty of sun tan lotion... and wear those shades. (Seriously, pretty mind-boggling. Right?)

Life is like a game of chess...

... both are almost impossibly difficult at times. 


How complex is chess? According to former champion, Garry Kasparov, "The number of legal chess positions is 10 to the 40th power, the number of different possible games, 10 to the 120th power. A player looking eight moves ahead is already presented with as many possible games as there are stars in the galaxy (100 billion to 70 sextillion--70,000,000,000,000,000,000,000--say astronomers). There are more possible chess games than the number of atoms in the universe (don't even ask). These comparisons impress upon the casual observer why brute-force computer calculation can't solve this ancient board game. They are also handy--and I am not above doing this myself--for impressing people with how complicated chess is."

OK, I believe you, Garry... Chess (and life) can be challenging beyond comprehension. But at the end, in life, if we've played a great game, we get an automatic seed to The Finals.

EEEK! A GHOST!

Ever see a ghost, feel a supernatural presence or consult a fortune teller? I'm not surprised... 29 % of us say we have had a touch with the dead, 18 % have seen or been with a ghost (I'm one of those... story to follow) and 15 % have consulted a medium. That's what Pew Research Center found in a recent study. Faith undoubtedly leads us to feel there is a spiritual world "out there." That and Scooby Do, of course.

I had a joyous experience that I will never forget. It is as clear in my mind today as it was many years ago, when I was seven. There was never a doubt. And because I was so young, I am even more convinced it was real because I was so naively 'pure' and without influence or prejudice on such subjects.

Growing up in the 'lower income' segment of America, my family lived in a small house owned by and adjacent to my maternal grandparents.  It was a great time because grandma spoiled my sister and me rotten with love, treats, surprises and permissiveness. What more could a seven-year-old want? And so did my grandma's mother, who lived with them. We called her Big Grandma (that's her) because she was, compared to Small Grandma, at least. She was perhaps stereotypically, an older Italian 'grandma-type' with her white hair in a bun, a round, ruddy face to fit her largish heavy frame... and always, a warm smile.  As a recent and older immigrant, she spoke only Italian but that was never a barrier to the fun we had together.

I remember the day she passed away, in the house just next door. The adults kept my sister and me in the kitchen behind the closed dining room door while they sadly said their tearful good-bys as Big Grandma lay dying on the living room couch.

About six weeks later, as Big Grandma was out my life and mind, our family was coming home from a movie and I, as the self-appointed front door-opener, ran ahead and up the steps to unlock the door.

When I burst into the living room, there, on our easy chair in the corner, sat Big Grandma in her familiar black and white poke-a-dot dress, tan stockings and black shoes. She had a warm smile for me... as always.


"Why Big Grandma," I hollered with absolute delight... and I can still hear myself saying it, "What are you doing here?" She didn't answer, but held out her arms to me. I turned to mom,  dad and sis, who were just coming up the porch steps, and shouted, "Big Grandma is here!"

But then, when I turned back, she was gone.

I remember being so excited as I told everyone what I had seen. I was so happy! Big Grandma came to say good-by to me.

And she did!

It used to be the world's tallest building...

...but that was then. The landscape (or better, the skyscape) has undergone dramatic change. Take a peek here for a fascinating perspective. The just completed Burj Dubai in the UAR--recently renamed Burj Khalifa in honor of the sheik of Abu Dhabi--stands more than 1/2 mile into the sky.

This isn't about "them," however. This is about our grand lady, The Empire State Building, which held the title from 1931 to 1973...longer and more legendary than any other. It stands a 'mere' 1250 feet... not even half as tall as the Burj Khalifa... and is number 14 on today's list of world's tallest buildings. It has 102 floors, 1820 steps to the top and (get this!) was completed 410 days AHEAD of schedule, coming in at $24.7 million UNDER budget! Of course, this was during the Great Depression and that undoubtedly helped, both in cost and with readily available labor.  It is colorfully and quite specifically lit year round (showing a big red heart for Valentine's Day). Take a look at the Lighting schedule ...it is quite complex and fascinating.

Their was a time when dirigibles would cross the Atlantic, then appear over Manhattan and glide up to the Empire State Building. After docking at the mast atop world's tallest building, passengers would transfer from airship to skyscraper, via an open gangway (really!), and an elevator would whisk them to the street.

It is sadly ironic that the tragedy of 9/11 was not the first time a plane crashed into the world's tallest building. In 1945, an army B-25 Bomber, lost in the fog, crash, quite accidentally this time, into the 75th floor of the Empire State Building. While two died,  the survival of the elevator operator who fell 75 stories when the cables to her cab were severed, was the miracle of the day.

Every year, there is a race on foot, up the stairs to the 86th floor. It is appropriately called The Run-Up. This year's event, the 33rd annual, was Feb. 2nd and the winner's time to climb 1,576 steps was 10 minutes, 16 seconds, or about 157 steps a minute! Ever try to run stairs? Piece of cake, right?

The Empire State Building has starred in more than 100 movies. How many can you name. Check it out. Call me a softy but my favorite by far was Sleepless in Seattle. Near as I can tell, the only one who didn't love this beautifully designed landmark was King Kong. Damn those planes. They just didn't understand... that big monkey had a heart!

A picture is worth a thousand words

Wrong, wrong wrong. Pictures lie! An old journalism professor of mine (who should know because he spent half-a-lifetime as a photographer for UPI) said that if we ever say that or write that, we would get an automatic FE (fact error = failure) stamped on our paper... and he had a big rubber FE stamp that he would delight in using...with red ink, no less. This was before... way before today's digital world.

So what you see isn't always what you get. Ever watch a good magician?

Do you know that, beside being Groundhog Day, this is also the day when many top-talent, big name singing stars will re-record "We Are The World," this time for the benefit of Haiti relief efforts.

Now here's where the (digital) magic trick comes in... Janet Jackson wanted to sing the part her brother Michael (he died, you know) sang in 1985, but she couldn't make the recording session. No problem. She will sing it in a remote studio and it will be digitally inserted in the final cut. So as you see it replayed, look for her. You will see her but she really isn't there... and I'll bet you won't easily be able to tell.


Side note: Michael Jackson, who died last June 25th, was the music industry's top-selling artist for 2009 moving 8.3 million units (CDs, digital downloads, DVDs, etc.). It's amazing what you can do when you are dead.

"In China, when you are one in a million, there are 1,300 other people who are just like you."

Bill Gates, the person responsible for contributing, through his foundation, more dollars than any other individual to world health and betterment, said that. Makes you stop and think. So I did. Pay attention because there will be a one-question quiz at the end.

Today, there are about 7 billion people on earth, give or take a few. This is about 2 1/2 times more people than were on earth just 60 years ago! By 2050, it is projected that there will be 9.5 billion people... and India will have surpassed China as the world's most populous country. Here's a projected 2050 rundown of the top 20 of 227 countries... with a few surprises thrown in:

1. India --          1.57    billion people
2. China --         1.46         
3. U.S.A --            397  million people
4. Pakistan --        344
5. Indonesia --      311
6. Nigeria --          278
7. Bangladesh --   265
8. Brazil --            247
9. D.R. Congo --  203
10. Ethiopia --        186
11. Mexico --         146
12. Philippines --   128
13. Vietnam --        123
14. Iran --               121
15. Egypt --            113
16. Japan --            113
17. Russia --           104
18. Yemen --          102
19. Uganda --         101
20. Turkey --            99   

Notice how many are in the western hemisphere... how many are in Africa... Asia... the Middle East? Reflect on how many are larger than you would have guessed... and which countries surprise you by their absence in the top 20? Hmmm.

OK. Now the one-question quiz: How many could you find on an unmarked globe? (Don't look at me. I flunked.)

That's today's history lesson kiddies.

Interesting Statistic ( nostalgic look back at a great one-liner)

The average cost to treat a bullet wound: $17,000. Life is so unfair... where would a pheasant get $17,000?

Alpha and Omega... in real life

Presently, only Yale and the University of North Carolina have one. It's a JEOL microprobe (a high powered microscope). What is so special about that? Well, your best biology lab microscopes can magnify up to 1,000 times. Now that's a lot, especially if you are in Biology 103 and looking at a fly. (Now you know where the idea for the Vincent Price movie, The Fly, probably came from.) But, through the lens of the JEOL, you can see 30 atoms laid end-to-end. That, my friends, is a 300,000 times magnification. OK, that's the alpha.

It doesn't take much imagination to know where to look for our omega. The universe, of course... you know, space everlasting. Scientists estimate it stretches to 6 billion light years from edge to edge... and is ever expanding.  As you may recall, just one light year is 186,000 miles per second x 60 seconds in a minute x 60 minutes in an hour x 24 hours in a day x 364 1/4 days in a year (yeah, about 6 trillion miles) x 6 billion years. (I just love that... it blows me away.)

That's the omega of the range of man's perceptual understanding... from .1 nanometers (about one ten- billionth of a meter (Shaq O'Neil, for example, is 2,100,000,000 nanometers tall) to 6 trillion light years.


Gives new definition to describing the one that got away, doesn't it?

Julia Childs, move over...

I've got a killer grape recipe... yeah, I said grape, as in pre-wine.

First: Go to the store (unless you have your own vineyard) and get the biggest, richest tasting, most luscious seedless grapes you can find... can be either red or green... or purple or white if you want to nit-pick.

Second: Take them home, of course, silly.

Third: Remove them from the stem, wash them, then put them on a towel to dry.


Now comes the tricky part: Put them all on a large-as-necessary flat baking pan, then stick it all in your freezer for however long it takes grapes to freeze.


Then, open that freezer and grab a handful... oh sure, they look and feel like marbles, but they make the most different and succulent treat you may have ever tasted! I'm hooked. Who needs wine when you have all this? Well, I guess we all need wine (heart-healthy, you know). And, contrary to an old saying, we really can have our cake and eat it too... which reminds me of a joke:

Paul was in love with Kate. Oh, how he loved that woman. The little minx, however, was quite a joker. She and her identical twin sister, Edith, who Paul didn't know existed, often switched places to see if they could fool him. And they did... time and again, much to their giggling delight. Nonetheless, Paul fell head-over-heels in love with Kate... or was it Edith? He really thought they were the same girl, so it presented a real dilemma when he proposed.

The girls confessed their little prank and poor Paul was so confused. "I never knew there were two of you... and I love you both so much."

Sadly, the girls had to tell him that he had to pick just one of them--rules you know.


The sad moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

OK, so you really will love the frozen grapes and one out of two isn't bad, right?... which reminds me of yet another great joke:

Harold was in bed with his wife one frigid winter night and to get warm, she put her cold, bare feet on his shirtless back. ""Oh my God, Margaret," he screamed, "your feet are like ice."

"Cold feet, warm heart," she replied, smiling wickedly.

"Well," her husband said, "One out of two isn't bad."

Award season is upon us

While we are priming up for the Academy Awards, some of us have already watched the Golden Globes, the Grammys, the Emmys, the Tonys, the People's Choice awards, the Screen Actor's Guild awards, the Independent Spirit awards, the Director's Guild awards, and on and on.

However, none of these dramatic, climactic, suspenseful presentations ("I want to thank the Academy, my beautiful wife Zeona, and little Ricky and Lucy... you kids go to bed now, and of course, my agent and best friend, Bradley F. Braverman") are my favorites. No, not by a long shot. Who can deny the thrill of the Darwin Awards (highlighting human stupidity) or the Bulwer-Lytton awards (featuring the world's worst opening sentence of a fictional novel). Now here is class, excitement and real human entertainment... and somehow, the two do go together...sort-of. For example:


Darwin 1: When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up, the robber-to-be earned his Darwin by turning the gun to his eye so he could 'check down the barrel'... then he pulled the trigger again. It worked!


Bulwer-Lytton 1: Harvey placed the muzzle of the .45 against his head, and as the cold steel touched his temple, a sudden shiver raced along his spine and the hair-trigger took on the frisson, his brains missing Marlene's photo, where he wanted it to go, and splattered across his burgundy nightgown, so he got the color combination right.

Darwin 2: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. Within minutes, police grabbed the snatcher and took him back to the store. When asked to stand in front of the lady for a positive ID, he replied, "Yes, officer. That's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."


Bulwer-Lytton 2: After quickly scrutinizing the two dangerously buff men coming toward her in the dark and wondering whether she could take them both out, P.I. Velma Plusch mentally inventoried her arsenal -- two pistols, two stiletto-clad feed, two leather-gloved hands, two each eyes, ears, lips, and breasts -- and decided that she could.

Darwin 3: An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.  When asked how he received the injuries, he told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.


Bulwer-Lytton 3: Leopold looked up at the arrow piercing the skin of the dirigible with a sort of wondrous dismay -- the wheezy shriek was just the sort of sound he always imagined a baby moose being beaten with a pair of accordions might make.


Now here's a toss-up: After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting had escaped.  Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.  He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for three days.

You know what today is, right?

This (if it is still Monday, January 25th) is Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day!   You know you love it, but did you know that it was invented as a wall paper? Some use it as a wrapper to protect things in shipment or storage. That is the "standard way." But most of us use it as something far richer... as therapy for the body and soul. Who doesn't enjoy the 'pop-pop-pop' that can go on endlessly (or until the bubble wrap and time to pop run out.) For some it is a mania. For others it is an indescribable nuisance.

Now the real deal is to find those 'mania' people and pair them with the 'nuisance' variety... then stand back and watch what happens.

If you want to know more, go to the Bubble Wrap site (highlighted above) and read the story. It's five minutes of pseudo-popping fun. BUT... if you want something I-tangible, go here: Just don't blame me if you can't break away from this compulsive fun for hours. Oh, by the way, there are 250 Facebook pages for Bubble Wrap.

Are we scared to death yet?

Obviously not... but there is a case to be made.

When I grew up, I was frightened by the average things that frighten a young boy:

• Step on a crack, break your mother's back.
• Polio... what if I get it and have to spend the rest of my life in an iron lung?
• Those two kids down the street who beat me up and took my school lunch money... honest.
• That really cute girl.
• Atomic bomb practice-- ("Everyone under your desks, cover your head and DO NOT look towards the windows.")
• My mother when I made her mad.
  

Then I got bigger and I was frightened by:

• Puberty. 
• That really cute girl.
• Pimples and ring worm (got it)... and cooties.
• Being accepted.
  
• Being drafted and getting killed in the war.
• Dying.

Then I fell in love and got married, bringing new fears:

• Does she love me?
• Will my kids be ok?
• How will we ever have enough money to send them to college?
• Will I ever have the luxury of an erection lasting more than 4 hours?
• Divorce. 
• That really cute girl.

Now I am fully mature (by most judgments, not including my wife's), and I have come to the understanding that almost all of those past worries didn't come to pass. I (we) tend to over worry everything, humans that we are. Today, we have digitized the full scope of all that we can and do worry about. And it makes me wonder if there actually are more worries or if we have just learned, with the help of the media, that we do have the capacity to worry more... and have found new things to worry about:

• Cancer, crime, Y2K, terrorists, homosexuals, heterosexuals, republicans, democrats, smoking-- or not, yellow teeth, global warming, biological warfare, nuclear destruction, not having enough friends on Facebook, Tiger Woods, Octomom, money, Jenn (ever since Brad left her, she has been on our minds), money, jobs, health care, bombs in underpants, money, crooked politicians, pandering politicians, elected officials who care more about their wants than ours, flu, China, the fog on Interstate 80 somewhere in America (thanks Weather Channel), pork (the Washington kind, not the eating kind, though we worry about that too--Is it cooked enough or will we get Salmonella?), money, inflation, depression (economic and mental), etc.

It is us lucky ones that seem to have become the hopeless... the despondent... the glum. There are people who have major league worries, like staying alive, finding water to drink that doesn't make you sick, making an honest or dishonest dollar (literally, $1) to feed your family, earthquakes, tsunami's, hurricanes, failing health, joblessness, homelessness...

We more fortunate do have worries, real and imagined, that seems to dominate more of our lives and minds than our blessings, our opportunities, our optimism. Where is that 'we can do it, we will overcome, we can rise to any challenge' mentality? Have we become a "glass half empty" nation of cynics? I hope not. I hope not. Enough bitching. Time to 'suck it up!' We have not been gifted with blessings just to squander them mindlessly dithering.

Things you will be richer knowing...

... though not in dollars.

• India is known for a lot of things... most of all, a lot of people. Of it's 1.2 million residents, half--600-plus million--have no indoor plumbing (i.e. toilets). FYI: That is twice the number of the entire U.S. population. In addition, India has 238 million cows, more than any other nation. These walking hamburgers (my phrasing, not theirs, since cows are sacred in India) burp, belch and fart. Add 200 million more sheep and goats to all of this and you have a contribution of methane gas that does more damage to the environment than all of India's dynamically growing number of cars, motorcycles and motor bikes on the road. Pee-yew! I mean phew! The numbers boggle the mind.
  

• In China, a pretty strong guy just set the world record by doing 12 one-finger push-ups. He can also do a one-fingered handstand with his right index finger. And, I'm just guessing here, he can probably pick his nose like a demon too.

• Today's news just brought the sad story of a man mauled in his daughter's home by her four pit bulls. Ever wonder what possesses someone to have four pit bulls in her house? Ever hear of Golden retrievers or Yellow Labs?

• Hate to tell you I told you so (not really though), but television can kill you... or at least, shorten your life expectancy. According to the American Heart Assn. Journal, a recent study shows each additional hour spent in front of the TV increases the risk of dying from heart disease by 18 percent. Scroll three posts down to Which half are you in? and you'll see my 'told you so' moment. So, the watchword is discretion... watching TV's good stuff (and there is lots) takes some discretion. "I watch Dancing With The Stars and that Simon Cowell thing, every rerun of America's Funniest Videos, and smoke. How am I doin'?" Sorry pal. Your best hope is that you are an optimist. Other studies show that "the glass is half-full" people live 14 percent longer, so maybe it's a trade-off. And if you don't like that, stick around and wait for the next study.
  

• A big OMG! to the young South Korean girls who took home $10,000 for winning the LG Mobile Worldcup texting championship in NYC last week. The two girls texted, word-for-unabreviated-word, from a written script for one hour, switching off when one of the girl's texting fingers needed a rest. They were penalized for errors so the pace of 35 wpm for one hour was even more impressive. They LOL all the way to the bank.

• In a small Chinese village (and I mean really small) where no inhabitant is taller than 4 feet, 3 inches, outsiders not 'measuring up... er  down,' are banned. Do I see a lawsuit coming?

• Point to Ponder: "Insane people are always sure that they are fine," says writer Nora Ephron. "It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy." Fact: one out of four of us are mentally unstable in one way or another. So look around and figure it out. Me? I'm fine.
  

Truely, A Marriage made in heaven

Perhaps only once in a lifetime are we given a 'sign from above' as clear as this. Our role as fellow humans is not to wonder why, we just have to recognize what fate has made abundantly clear to the world and be in awe.

Here are the facts:

A 50-year-old Israeli man has just been granted his 11th divorce (setting an Israeli record, by-the-way) and is once again bride-hunting. Usually, he marries for a few years, divorces, and then, as he tells it, angles for another lucky woman. "I send out the hook in all directions, and the fish come on their own." Poor guy just hasn't yet landed 'Mrs. Wonderful.' But then who of us catches that trophy on our first (or eleventh) cast?

Fear not, poor Israeli man! All is not lost! The 'chum,' as they say, is in the water.

Remember Wok Kundor, the 107-year-old Malaysian woman I told you about in September? She has just divorced her 37-year-old, 22nd husband... they just couldn't make it work (don't ask). And she is anxiously looking for "Mr. Right, #23!"

"My intention to remarry is to fill my forlornness," she said. "I realize that I am an aged woman. I don't have the body nor am I a young woman who can attract anyone," she acknowledged... but, according to 22 husbands to date, she has a wonderful personality.

So here we have two soul-mates who, collectively, have more marital savvy than any other two people on earth... ever! I hereby direct eHarmony, in the name of all things fated, to work its magic and connect these lovebirds... and I am certain wedding bells will soon be ringing. (Thank God internet dating doesn't have the stigma of years past. It's one less barrier for these two turtle-doves.) As for the pitter-patter of little feet, that is not my department... but one can hope.

It's a "Nuts Out There" kind of world...

... but just perfect for my blog. For example:

• A guy arrested for slashing the tires of 45 or more cars in Colorado, explained to police that he had been overwhelmed by radiation from a nearby nuclear plant and, oh yeah, he had been forced by his mom to wear braces on his teeth as a child. Well that certainly makes sense. 

• A German man was arrested for beating another with a swan. Said he had been in a park when he met a man with an offensive East German accent. Grabbing the nearest swan by its neck, he swung it mercilessly at the stranger, yelling "They should rebuild the (Berlin) wall right up to the sky because of you!" Neither the man or the swan suffered serious injuries. I guess the swan wasn't loaded... but the man was. 

• The family of an English missionary who was eaten by cannibals on a Pacific island in 1839, received a formal apology from the descendants in a reconciliation ceremony... along with the promise to remove that recipe from its cook book. (You do know I made that last part up, don't you?)

• Steven Foster (not the dead songwriter but a supermarket clerk in England) returned $1.3 million that was wrongly deposited in his bank account by his employer.  "At first, I just thought it was a Christmas bonus," he said. (I made that quote up, too.) Anyhow, the employer rewarded him with a case of Budweiser. (That's true.) Personally, I think a case of Fosters would have been more fitting.

• From the 'Well I'll Be A Monkey's Uncle' department: An Australian orangutan escaped from her enclosure using a stick to short-circuit the electric fence, then climbing out on a ladder she made out of debris. "We've had issues with her before where she tries to outsmart the keepers," said one of her keepers. I think she just did.

• A guy in New York was fed up with the poor customer service he was receiving from his bank, so he did the obvious. He sued them for $1,784 billion, trillion (1,784 followed by 21 zeros), plus $200,164,000, to teach them a lesson. The suit was eventually dismissed when it was noted that the dollar amount requested is more money than exists on earth.

• And finally, another New Yorker (do you notice a pattern here?) driving erratically, was pulled over and charged with a DUI. As the officer approached the car, he noticed the man climbing from the driver's seat into the back seat. The man then told the officer that, although he had been drinking, he was not the one driving. The officer did take note that there was no one else in the car.
  

Which half are you in?

Caveat: I wrote this rant then let it sit on my computer for a few days. I really feel strongly about what I said, but I have to acknowledge that it is somewhat sarcastic... ok, a lot sarcastic. I do feel television has value. There is no doubt that kids do learn more, earlier... and it can bring the world, and what's important, to our doorstep perhaps better than any other passive way. But that requires some judicious use, for sure. And television is entertaining, but again, it's what we choose to watch instead of watching anything and everything because"'that's what we do." Television is also insensitive, obtrusive, invasive, habit-forming, moral standards setting and molding. It is a 24/7 advertising machine. That said, it feels good to rant and rave and be sarcastic. After all, It's Nuts Out There.)

I was watching TV last night... and falling asleep on the couch... again!  I wasn't really that tired. I was bored to death. That was my fault for allowing it to happen... but it doesn't stop me from blaming the 'All-American Hobby' for my own weakness.

We have more than 130 channels of "entertainment" on our cable system (not counting those you can pay extra for). Of those, a handful are shopping channels. There are maybe a dozen sports channels of one type or another. Then there are the network channels, news channels, the animal channels, the Spanish broadcasting channels, the public service channels, kids' show channels and lots of other stuff.

Seems like 70 percent of the non-sports, non-news programming is made up of reality shows -- lots of them-- and silly 'sit-coms' all copying one-other, with most set on expanding our moral boundaries, game shows that ask questions and, more popularly, game shows that embarrass people, American Idol, America's got talent, Dancing With the Stars, So You Think You Can Dance... and of course, America's Funniest Videos (usually with different syndicated reruns on several different channels, five or six nights a week). Oh yeah, the reruns are for us to enjoy again and again... and don't say we don't.

Will weather actually happen unless it is reported on 30-40 of times a day... or on the Weather Channel where weather is not just anything -- it is the only thing? When I grew up, the weather still came, as I recall... maybe not. I was just a kid then, so what do I know? I guess I should be happy to be aware of possible fog conditions somewhere in California or rain across the plains... "so you be careful out there." OK, information is good and some can be critical, but wouldn't less seem like more? Problem is, if it were otherwise, what would the stations/networks have to sell commercials around? Also, weather makes a great 'tease' ... "Bill has some big weather news... and you folks on the west side, prepare to take cover... coming right up after the break."

We get three hours of the same news stories, over and over, every night... not all the news but pretty much just the news that the media thinks we want/need. Sometimes the media makes its own news by determining what they want to show us... who in Hollywood is divorcing and who is in rehab, how much weight Gerard Butler has gained and how Octo-mom is doing. Did Jon really leave Kate or visa-versa? And what is even sadder... we really do want to know that... and it is infinitely more marketable.

(Fact: Most of our next generation uses TV as its primary... and often only news source for its intellectual enrichment.)

Then there are the commercials and infomercials that take as much as 15 minutes of every broadcast hour.We are being 'pitched-to-death' most waking minutes... so much so that we know what one must do with an erection that lasts more than four hours.

Well, call me a cynic (because I am). I know that worthwhile programing and information is available. And what's wrong with being entertained? Television does have its value... but it has great faults.... but not the greatest fault.

That greatest fault is ours... and how we use/abuse this human magnet. (We have six sets in our house, but every room is 'wired' in case we need more.)  It is sad  that we often make the choice to let the television to be our primary focus... and our primary medium, watching anything and everything that is on. This is especially true at night when we have to confess to ourselves that "there just isn't anything 'on' tonight." but watch whatever, anyway. There is no doubt in my mind that television does a lot of our thinking for us. And THAT is the real kicker.

Most television programming is aimed at the lower common denominator... because it works best that way.  And if you figure that in the United States (or pretty much anywhere else), half of the people are below average... then presumably, you would think that those in the upper half are too smart to be helplessly held hostage by a stupid, unblinking eye. Would we?

Now here's the question: Which half are you in?

PS: For those 'on the other side,' there's a web site that might come in handy... couchpotatotelevision.com/