All the things I can't live without... but just didn't realize it until now!

I love air travel... always have. But I am usually so busy reading or looking out the window that I just don't have time to check the contents of the seat pocket in front of me. Last time I did, I realized some airlines don't have barf bags in there anymore. That puts a lot of pressure on a person, you know.

On this last trip, I decided to look again. And there it was... the current issue of SkyMall... my" FREE COPY--TAKE IT. WE'LL REPLACE IT!" Who can resist? It was literally jam-packed with so many wonderfully-imagined products. A person could look through WalMart for a lifetime and never find these hidden gems, reserved, I believe, for the elite... the beautiful people who actually fly through the air, in the special section of the plane referred to as 'coache,' such as 'moi.'

Opening it to a random page (page 10, actually) I saw something for healthier stress relief that would alleviate stress and tension. Relax away migraines and more, without drugs, with our Head Spa Massager.

Its patented Italian design (those Italians think of everything) incorporates Japanese engineering...  (from the same people that brought you invincible nuclear power plants) but that's not the best part. It is suitable for any age and you can use it anytime, anywhere! (exclamation point is mine, for excitement.) You'd think this would cost a fortune. Not so. I'm ordering 3 or 4 (Christmas is right around the corner... our local department store already has decorations and pre-holiday sales) for the low price of just $49.95 (plus tax, shipping and handling, of course.)

Might also get the Military ZOOM binoculars so I can see the color of an Eagle's eye... from a mile away! (Spoiler alert: blue.)

There were Leonisa body shapers (va-va-voom!) for every body style. I know they work because the illustrations had green arrows around all the body parts that "shape." Prices range from $34.99 to $79.99. That expensive one shapes from knees to chest so you know it's good.

Yes They have other stuff just as great... A golf bag with detachable cover that instantly converts into a fairway cooler for 'you-know-what'; an analyzing "SwimSense" performance monitor... You might not swim like an Olympian but now you can train like one!; a four-foot aged bronze replica of le Tour Eiffell (Eiffel Tower, to the lesser, non-French); a shelving system that holds up to 2,262 CDs, 936 DVDs, 528 VHS tapes, or 465 Disney tapes--in 76" cherry triple (beautiful simulated wood); something that looks like a microwave for shoes that prevents the spread of bacteria, fungus and bad odor; and of course, much, much more.

Are you an aspiring attorney who lacks only passing the bar to defend an axe murderer? Well, don't sweat it. This "Passing the Bar" game is not only fun but educational. it is The perfect gift for law students and lawyers. Now how simple is that?

This is cute. The Bigfoot, Bashful Yeti Tree Sculpture. Imagine the delightful shriek of surprise when the kids see that! It is either that or The Peeing Boy of Brussels Statue and Fountain... nearly four feet tall! You won't be disappointed, I promise.

Go ahead and sleep in late this weekend, your dog has a yard of his own ... with this neat Porch Potty (premium grade)--which looks like a poor man's indoor putting green-- for only $279.99... or, Potty train your cat faster than most people can potty train their kids, just $49.99.

I also want THE LARGEST WORLD MAP MURAL! They say it is a scaled down version but I don't know. What does '1 inch equals 1 inch' mean? Sound rather 'biggish' to me.

Saving the best for last, have you ever had to fly to an important meeting... or someplace where you had to be at your sharpest when you got off your 6 a.m flight? How can you look sharp with so little sleep? The only answer: nap on the plane. The only solution: The SkyRest Travel Pillow. Think of the respect and awe you will gain from your fellow passengers as they take notice: "Look, I'll bet he's a business tycoon resting so he will be sharp for some important life-or-death meeting when he gets off the plane."

You may think this is funny but I just can't live without 'em. You know the old song: "How do you keep em down on the farm after they've seen Paree?"You say you are too young to know that song? Then just shut-up!

One good tern deserves another... and other ridiculous puns and dribble (literally and figuratively) and, special added attraction: Those Brits!

...in this case, another world record.







It is confirmed... the arctic tern, weighing just .05 oz, is the longest migrator on earth. This little bugger covers 44,000 miles in a year... and if it were driving a Chevy, in just five years, the car would have 220,000 miles on it. Think of the trade-in value on that. In a lifetime--for a tern, perhaps 34 years--it would fly the equivalent of three round trips to the moon.

Then there is the momma polar bear that swam for nine days across the frigid Beaufort Sea to reach an ice floe 426 miles offshore, according to researchers at the U.S, Geological Survey in Alaska. Obvious conclusion by those in the know... she was probably bear-y bear-y cold. She did lose 22 percent of her body weight... and her cub, who did not survive the journey.


Scientists also have discovered bass in U.S. rivers that are intersexual--that is, exhibiting both male and female sex characteristics. These large mouth and small mouth bass are thought to have been altered by pollutants in the water. Initial evaluation says "while there is cause for concern, there's no cause for panic." But if this is one of nature's precursors, what if humans drinking the water are so affected. Hmmm! More of 'he said--she said' when we are talking to ourselves.

Ever hear of Dan Magness? This guy, 26, just set the Keepy Uppy (that's the official name) record by keeping a soccer ball off the ground without using hands or arms for 250,000 touches! Yeah... and he did it 'on the road' bouncing 36 miles in 14 hours as he toured all five of London's Premier League stadiums. I'm not overly impressed with many world records, but this one is kind of awesome. Just staying awake and on his feet is something. Of his quarter-million touches without one miscue, 25 percent were with his feet, 70 percent are with his head (which may explain something) and 5 percent were with his knees.

Those Brits! Ever read London Review of Books, a pretty heady publication for the high end literary crowd of England? While it can appear a quite stodgy, there are always the classifieds to add a touch of dash. A few recent 'eye openers:'

• While you're reading this, I'm taking a photograph of you from outside your window. Later today I'll put it in the scrapbook I'm compiling of our love. The heading will be "Day 1."

• Sexually, I'm not like Switzerland at all, even though live there. Monolingual M, Lausanne-based, seeks F for the usual shenanigans.

• As a child, my fontanel never joined up properly. So I must insist on wearing a helmet during intercourse. Other than that it's all systems go.

• Ulcerative gingivitis prevents me from eating tomato-based products and using tongues when kissing. It doesn't matter--I hate tomatoes!

• Female, 34. All own limbs. Seeks man with low priorities.

• A while back I wrote a bunch of really angry ads here directed at you after you left me and went back to your idiotic ex-boyfriend. I want you to know that I regret none of them. I'd do it again and I still hate you.

• This is how I want to seduce you--using meaningless words in a column of fools before a theatre of idiots. Write immediately and be upon me.

Those literati just slay me.

Noteworthy people you haven't heard of... or, awkwardly gramatic... of whom you haven't heard.

So what's the big deal about Ray Townsend who died recently at 97? Ray did something hardly any one of us do... he invented the first practical mechanical hog-skinner! And that means...?

Well, it means hot dogs only cost a buck or so. His Frank-a-Matic, introduced in 1962, revolutionized the way skinless hot dogs were made. Left-over meat parts are ground and stuffed into temporary casings (the small intestines of sheep--really) to hold them together as they are cooked... then, Townsend's machine would remove the casing from the dog... so fast it would make your stomach swim--30,000 per hour! See? That's how hot dogs became, not only every-man's meat byproduct but 'production-line-manufactured' cheap.

Townsend was a busy guy. He also developed some flight instruments for the Learjet, adjustable weights to the golf putter so golfers have something more to tinker with and a fish skinner that would clean the fish, remove the head and fins, and tidily skin what's left.  He did exercise machines and treadmills too... in all, 127 different inventions. But the Frank-a-Matic remained his favorite. Or, as my mother-in-law would seriously say, "Who doesn't like weenies." Really, she said that.


Then there is Gil Meche.  Gil had a five-year, $55 million contract to play for the Kansas City Royals. As sports salaries go, he deserved it. He had a good arm, a good head and the prospect of becoming a pretty good pitcher. But--and isn't there always a BUT--he hurt his pitching shoulder.

He had every right to sit out the year and take home his guaranteed $12 million salary. Injuries are one of the risks that every major league ball club must take to sign the talent. Meche, however, lives by another credo. "I was making a crazy amount of money for not even pitching. Honestly, I didn't feel like I deserved it." He would rather spend the time at home with his wife and kids. How archaic is that?

For every sports fan who has lived and died by the success of the 'star' on their favorite team... for every sports fan who has watched or been forced to root for a multi-million-dollar crybaby... or someone who gets in trouble with the law... or is involved in a scandal of one kind or another...or someone who insults fans, is on steroids and/or is a total jerk... or any combination of these and more... and still pulls down the big bucks without delivering or even showing gratitude to the fans or the people who pay his salary, I have one word for Meche:WOW! What a powerful reminder of happy endings. Thanks, Gil, for showing some old fashioned humility, moral balance and class. Nice to know there are those of you out there.

Two more class acts: Cubs Hall of Famer Ryne Sandberg gave up $16 million when he retired in 1994, when 16 million was like... a billion today, saying he could no longer perform at peak level. He later returned to play two more (sub-peak) seasons.

Pat Tillman also turned down a $3.6 million offer to play pro football for the Arizona Cardinals after 9/11 and joined the Army to fight for his country instead. He was killed by friendly fire in Afghanistan.

Then there is Jack LeLanne, exercise guru and fitness fanatic, who recently died at 96. When asked once if he ever thought about dying, he said, "No. Dying would be bad for my image."

LaLanne was an impressive pioneer of the physical health boom we enjoy today. He started the ball rolling on a national basis, comparing himself to Billy Graham by saying that diet and exercise were America's salvation. And he is probably more right than some think. Too bad more people don't listen. But then, like Billy Graham would likely admit, there is still work to be done.

Never a wallflower, LaLanne was more than happy to show the world what exercise and diet could do. His feats were impressive:

1954 Age 40: Swam the length of the San Francisco Golden Gate Bridge underwater with 140 pounds of equipment, including two air tanks… an undisputed world record.

1955 Age 41: Swam, handcuffed, from Alcatraz to Fisherman’s Wharf in
San Francisco, CA.

1956 Age 42: Set a world record of 1,033 push-ups in 23 minutes on You Asked for It, an early TV Show.

1957 Age 43: Swam the treacherous Golden Gate Channel, towing a 2,500-pound cabin cruiser. This involved fighting the cold, swift ocean currents that made the 1 mile swim a 6 ½ mile test of strength and endurance.

1958 Age 44: Maneuvered a paddleboard 30 miles, 9-½ hours non-stop from Farallon Islands to the San Francisco shore.

1959 Age 45: Completed 1,000 pushups and 1,000 chin-ups in 1 hour and 22
minutes.

1974 Age 60: Swam from Alcatraz Island to Fisherman’s Wharf, for a second time handcuffed, shackled and towing a 1,000-pound boat.

1975 Age 61: Swam the length of the Golden Gate Bridge, underwater, handcuffed, shackled and towing a 1,000-pound boat.

1976 Age 62: Commemorating the “Spirit of ‘76”, swam 1 mile in Long Beach Harbor, handcuffed, shackled and towing 13 boats (representing the 13 original colonies) containing 76 people.

1979 Age 65: Towed 65 boats filled with 6,500-pounds of Louisiana-Pacific wood pulp while handcuffed and shackled, in Lake Ashinoko, near Tokyo.

1980 Age 66: Towed 10 boats in North Miami, Florida filled with 77 people for over a mile... in less than 1 hour.

This man just loved to tow boats!

For 80-plus years, he exercised every day of his life and ate only fish and vegetables. What a guy!

Can't forget Milton Levine, the inventor of the Ant Farm, who died in January at 97. While on a picnic in 1956, he watched a mound of ants at work and thought they were so interesting that they belonged in an aunt aquarium for everyone to be amazed.. everyone except the ants, I guess. "I found out their most amazing feat yet," he confessed, "... they put three kids through college."

Dorothy Young disappeared for the last time this year, at age 103. She was magician Harry Houdini's longtime assistant who took his secrets to her grave.


Last but not least, Eunice G. Sanborn of Jacksonville, Texas died. She was born in 1896 and lived to become the oldest person in the United States at 114. What this means, I say excitedly, is that we have all moved up a notch. Fingers crossed!

"Lions and tigers and bears! Oh my!"

... A direct quote from Mrs Noah as she watched the animals, two-by-two, board the ark...  NOT!

Actually, Dorothy (Judy Garland) said it in The Wizard of Oz when all she had to contend with was a tornado, the Wizard, the wicked witch of the West, a bunch of Munchkins and her friends, a cowardly lion, a scarecrow without a brain and a tin man without a heart. Sounds like my old bowling team.

Anyhow, the subject today is animals...  human and the other kind. And if you want to see how it all began, (evolutionists, you can skip this part) take a look at Robert Crumb's illustrated Book of Genesis. It is truly cool.

Crumb, known for his comic book style and some rather "unusual" drawings and underground comic characterizations, stuck right to the book (that is, The Bible) for this one. Actually, his depiction is from the King James Bible and a 2004 translation called The Five Books of Moses... so Catholics, sit this one out unless you go immediately to confession. As an added bonus, you will finally get to see what God, Adam and Eve and that damn snake look like.

Other big news on the animal front... as told by Associated Press writer Jennifer Quinn who reported it so 'Milnesque:'

When we left them, Christopher Robin was going away, and Things were going to be Different. 

Now, more that eight decades later, a rumor is sweeping the Hundred Acre Wood. According to Owl, who heard it from Rabbit, who heard it from Piglet, the adventures are about to resume. It falls to the bear to pass on the news to Eeyore.

"It's Christopher Robin," said Winnie-the-Pooh. "He's coming back. "

And so it is... after 84 years, the first authorized sequel to A.A. Milne's classic tales, Return to the Hundred Acre Wood, is now on sale. Just that thought brings back rich memories of those bed time stories read when my kids were as young as theirs are now.

Alan Alexander Milne, 1882-1956,  was an English novelist and playwrite who gained legendary status as the author of the Winnie-the-Poo series of children's tales and poems. As beloved as his characters in the series were to the children, the stories weren't written for his son... or children at all.  They were intended, he said, for the child within us, as simple lessons of life.

And, looking as some of Pooh's quotes, what lessons they are:

When late morning rolls around and you're feeling a bit out of sorts, don't worry; you're probably just a little eleven o'clockish.

When looking at your two paws, as soon as you have decided which of them is the right one, then you can be sure the other one is the left.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Those who are clever, who have a Brain, never understand anything.

Owl hasn't exactly got Brain, but he Knows Things.

If you want to make a song more hummy, add a few tiddely poms.

The more it snows (Tiddely pom),
The more it goes (Tiddely pom),
The more it goes (Tiddely pom),
On snowing. And nobody knows (Tiddely pom),
How cold my toes (Tiddely pom),
How cold my toes (Tiddely pom),
Are growing.

Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering.

Just because an animal is large, it doesn't mean he doesn't want kindness; however big Tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo.

If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.

My spelling is Wobbly. It's good spelling but it Wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places.

It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.

Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I used to believe in forever
But forever's too good to be true.

I've missed you, Pooh Bear... in more ways than you know.

He said... she said

I like a good quote. Nothing too serious, mind you. Quotes are to be enjoyed, not taken as word from on high... unless they come from You Know Who.

Quotes like: "There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting." George Carlin

Or: "When you are in love with someone, you want to be near him all the time, except when you are out buying things and charging them to him" Miss Piggy

Try these on for size:

• "'Dr. Livingstone I Presume.' Full name of Dr. Presume." unknown
• "In 1932, lame duck President Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two med decided to stay together for the sake of the children." Johnny Carson
• "Death is nature's way of saying 'Howdy.'" Unknown
• "The chicken probably came before the egg because it is hard to imagine God wanting to sit on an egg." Unknown
• "In England there are sixty different religions and only one sauce." Francesco Carocciolo (1752-1799)
• "Never try to walk across a river just because it has an average depth of four feet." Martin Friedman

You could quote poetry:

"Roses are reddish
Violets are bluish
If it weren't for Christmas
We'd all be Jewish.
Benny Hill (1925-1992)

Or common knowledge:

"There are three reasons why lawyers are replacing rats as laboratory research animals. One is that they're plentiful, another is that lab assistants don't get attached to them, and the third is that there are some things rats just won't do."  Unknown


It could be contemporary:

"The old neighborhood has changed. Hurley Brothers Funeral Home is now called Death 'n' Things. Elmore Leonard

Or about our quest for the perfect body:

"I asked the clothing store clerk if she had anything to make me look thinner, and she said, 'How about a week in Bangladesh?'" Rosanne Barr

Could even be a high school cheer (unofficially):

We don't drink!
We don't smoke!
Norfolk!
Unknown... but ask the students

Or it could be funny:

"Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing was happening, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'" Rodney Dangerfield, of course


But you can only go for quotes in small doses. Too many overwhelm the sense of irony... and there is nothing I hate worse than ironing. I picked up a copy of Robert Byrne's book, The 2,548 Things Anybody Ever Said and realized how fast you can get full. But if you take your time and read just a few pages every so often, you would be amazed at how long it takes to get through 2,548 things.

All in all, I learned there are a lot of quotes by this guy, Unknown and his brother, Anonymous. I also learned the impossible:

"Fix this sentence: He put the horse before the cart." Steven Price


But what better than these important lessons from Jack Handy to finish this off:


"Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up."


"For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness."

"If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted."

"Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank"and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind."


"The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw."

Last one, I promise: "The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me."


Me too.

Things that amaze me most: Part IX

As I told you before, there are a number of things/events/emotions that absolutely blow-my-mind because they are so introspectively amazing and give me a deeper sense of awe. So I made a list of the things that amaze me most... some big, some small, some acts, some things... but all, in my mind, amazing.  So far:

Part I:    THE PACIFIC OCEAN
Part II:   BIG NUMBERS
Part III: THE YOUNG: Babies, toddlers and teens
Part IV:  LAUGHTER: A peek into the soul
Part V:   NATURE: Her splendor and fury
PART VI: THE POWER OF 1
PART VII: THE NATURAL LAWS OF PHYSICS
PART VIII: US HUMANS

PART IX: THE HEAVENS

You know how nuts I am about space, the sun and the entire universe. Well, thanks to the incredible Hubble telescope, now in its 20th year in orbit, we can see some amazing, incredible things... like this mountain of dust and gas rising in the Carina Nebula. The top of a three-light-year tall pillar of cool hydrogen is being worn away by the radiation of nearby stars, while stars within the pillar unleash jets of gas that stream from the peaks.

Our Milky Way galaxy is 100,000 light years wide... and as we look into tonight's sky, we are actually looking in the past--millions of years into the past. As Marilyn vos Savant, The super-smart (I.Q. 185 +/-) Parade Magazine columnist tells us, "Say a certain star will live for 5 million years, but it's so far away that its light takes 10 million years to reach us. By the time we can see it for the first time, it has already been gone for 5 million years."

Light echos from red supergiant star v838 monocerotis

Using new technology, scientists scanning a small portion of the sky have just discovered 54 planets in orbit around other suns that are located, like earth,  in a "Goldilocks zone"--temperatures not too hot and not too cold-- but just right to hold water and life... like our own. They estimate that a broader scan of our Milky Way galaxy alone might find 400,000 more... enough like us to think E.T. would need a galactic phone book to get the right number and area code to phone home.

In a New York Times interview of Brian Greene, a Colombia University physicist, the question was asked: In your forthcoming book, The Hidden Reality, you ponder the possibility of a 'multiuniverse' composed of many universes. But what kind of worlds are we talking about? Clumps of subatomic particles in space? Or universes with restaurants and museums?

His astounding answer: Some might have museums and restaurants. Some might have copies of you and me having a conversation similar to this one. Yet other universes would be vastly different. They might involve a gigantic expanseive space that might be filled with other forms of matter governed by other kinds of physical laws. In one such universe, when the apple is released by a tree, it might go up instead of down.

Yep. Wild stuff for wild imaginations filled with big, big numbers and almost unfathomable images. Check 'em out at the Hubble site, highlighted above. Gosh, who would have thought that Flash Gordon, Commander Kirk, Han Solo and Luke Skywalker would prove to be intergalactic pikers when it comes to real life?

WWJD... revisited

You remember the story... bad storm at sea... giant waves violently rocking the boat... fishermen scared for their lives... THEN, ACROSS THE SUDDENLY CALMING WATERS, JESUS WALKS TOWARD THEM.

Well, that was then... before the days of the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. So tell me what went wrong when police found Jesus... swimming, not walking on water, far off shore in those Gulf waters?

"What's wrong, Jesus? Cat got your feet?"

OK, so that is borderline sacrilegious, but maybe it was the wrong Jesus. In fact, it was. Jesus Mares was the guy, not the Jesus H. Christ I pray to. And yes, the OAO does have a sense of humor... after all, he created us, right?


Elsewhere in the world of incredible happenings, two Japanese nerds recently set a record calculating pi to the five-trillionth digit. And... (yawn)... yes, it IS A NEW WORLD'S RECORD! Hmm, I wonder if they still make those plastic pocket protectors?

To get back to the real problems in the world, we need look no further than Ft. Wayne, Indiana--about 125 miles east of the heart of the Midwest.  There, city fathers had to decide if they would name Ft. Wayne's newly built government center after a former beloved mayor, which was the vote of the people. In the end, they opted NOT to follow their constituents' wishes to call it "The Harry Baals Building." And that's how "Government Building One" got its name.

Reminds me of a similar vote by the people of Peoria to nickname its new franchise hockey team, "The Prancers." Lasted for one season... the nickname, I mean. Too much laughing by the opponents.

If automobile stories are your thing, then you might find this interesting: One of the first motor cars ever imported to China as a gift to the Empress Cixi (pronounced Cixi), was a new, handmade 1901 Duryea. As the car was being shown, the driver, a little giddy from rice wine, lost control, ran over and killed a palace eunuch.  Today, there are 10,000 new cars on the road every day in Beijing alone, as China rushes to be number one in traffic jams... and DUIs too.

Oh, and China also grows nearly half of the world's tobacco (take that North and South Carolina) which makes sense when you realize one out of four Chinese smoke. Sometimes, being number 1 isn't as good as it sounds.


A Mercedes driver in Switzerland was stopped for speeding... he was clocked at 105 mph over the 75 mph limit! The Swiss determine fines based on the driver's personal ability to pay. He was rich. Fine: $1 million!

Last amazing thing: Utah's Dugway Proving Ground Army facility was locked down for 14 hours recently... because one-fourth of a teaspoon of a nerve gas agent was unaccounted for. The nerve agent, VX, was finally found in a mis-labeled container. Now, can you imagine... 1/4 teaspoon...

What exactly is VX and how bad is it? I was curious so I "googled" it.

From the government website, The Center for Disease and Prevention, a few "highlights:"
VX is a human-made chemical warfare agent classified as a nerve agent. Nerve agents are the most toxic and rapidly acting of the known chemical warfare agents. They are similar to pesticides (insect killers) called organophosphates in terms of how they work and what kinds of harmful effects they cause. However, nerve agents are much more potent.

VX was originally developed in the United Kingdom in the early 1950s. It is odorless and tasteless,
an oily liquid that is amber in color and very slow to evaporate. It evaporates about as slowly as motor oil. VX is not found naturally in the environment.

Following release of VX into the air, people can be exposed through skin contact, eye contact, or inhalation (breathing in the VX mist). Though it does not mix with water as easily as other nerve agents do, it could be released into water. Following release of VX into water, people can be exposed by drinking contaminated water or getting contaminated water on their skin. People can be exposed by eating the contaminated food.

Symptoms will appear within a few seconds after exposure to the vapor form of VX, and within a few minutes to up to 18 hours after exposure to the liquid form. It is the most potent of all nerve agents. Compared with the nerve agent sarin (also known as GB), VX is considered to be much more toxic by entry through the skin and somewhat more toxic by inhalation. It is possible that any visible VX liquid contact on the skin, unless washed off immediately, would be lethal.

All the nerve agents cause their toxic effects by preventing the proper operation of the chemical that acts as the body’s “off switch” for glands and muscles. Without an “off switch,” the glands and muscles are constantly being stimulated. They may tire and no longer be able to sustain breathing function.

Immediate signs and symptoms of VX exposure...
well, death is one, for sure (My comment).

Socrates, I'm sure would agree, mankind has certainly come a long way from hemlock. 

Just want to end on an up-note:

Attempt 1: Socrates walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, "Did you go to Harvard?" He answers, "Yale." The bartender responds, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"

Attempt 2: Socrates walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, you can get this guy off my butt!"

Attempt 3: Socrates walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Okay, I'll serve you a beer, just don't get any ideas."

Three strikes and I'm out of here!

Things that amaze me most: Part VII

As I told you before, there are a number of things/events/emotions that absolutely blow-my-mind because they are so introspectively amazing and give me a deeper sense of awe. So I made a list of the things that amaze me most... some big, some small, some acts, some things... but all, in my mind, amazing.  So far:

Part I:    THE PACIFIC OCEAN
Part II:   BIG NUMBERS
Part III: THE YOUNG: Babies, toddlers and teens
Part IV:  LAUGHTER: A peek into the soul
Part V:   NATURE: Her splendor and fury
PART VI: THE POWER OF 1

PART VII: THE NATURAL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Take something simple... like gravity, for example.

In the early days of television, in black an white no less, there was a weirdly funny comedian, Ernie Kovacs  (married to Edie Adams), who had an early-early SNL-type precurser show. He was an incredibly funny man, with an acerbic wit, perhaps 50 years before his time. A popular, regular feature on his show was called "The Answer Man."

Once, when asked why people in Australia never fall off the earth since they are always upside down, he answered: "My good man... people in Australia are falling off all the time."

Which begs the question...what would happen if Isaac Newton never
"discovered" gravity? Would that apple actually fall down on his head?

You know, many scientist allow that there are such things as parallel universes where laws of nature are reversed... so watch out! If that apple ever falls up, you are already there but just haven't realized it yet.

Gravity... it's the law.

In 1988, the Russians built and flew the world's largest aircraft, The six-engine ANTIBIV /AN-225. If taxied onto a football field, it would reach almost goal line to goal line, with a wingspan that was even wider. It stood as tall as a six story building and had a gross take-off weight of 1,410,000 pounds--705 tons! That's like 20 fully loaded semi-trailer trucks... or a good handful of railroad cars with a locomotive.  The massive plane needed jet assists to take off... and the Russians canned it after claiming bragging rights at the Paris Air Show of 1989.


So how big can an aircraft be and still fly? Actually, that isn't the question. An aircraft of any size is technically able to leave the ground under it's own power--subject only to the technology to manufacture it and the runway to handle it. The law of physics that allows the lightest plane to fly works on any scale.

How big can a ship be and still float? Under construction now is an enormous tanker--one of 10 to be built--that will be one-quarter mile long--can you imagine, four ships to a mile? It will be wider than five full-size buses parked end-to-end... and 24 stories tall! It will be able to carry 18,000 20-foot long containers at a time! That's like a train with 18,000 cars. Imagine waiting on that at a railroad crossing.

And yes, it will float like any row boat because it will conform to those same laws of physics that define why anything floats. Following 'the rules,' a ship--of ANY size, even if made of cement, can float as easily as a tiny model made of balsa wood.

It floats because it has to... That's the law.

Ever hear of maglev trains? (Maglev stands for magnetic levitation.) In service in France, England and China, these trains, and the people in them, literally 'float' above the rails? These incredible machines ride on thin air as they are suspended between the force of magnets repelling against each other. Weight is not an issue. Anti-magnetic resistance is invincible!

Since the maglev floats virtually friction free above the track, it can move very quickly because it doesn't have to overcome drag. The Shanghai Transrapid maglev hit  a record 360 mph on one straight stretch!

And yes, it does need a special rails... seemingly ruling out service in the U.S which has a hard enough time even maintaining the track across the roads I travel.

How does it do that? I don't know but it's the law.

Sure... magicians can fool us... and they do. Sleight of hand and tricks that make the seemingly impossible possible are cool. I always ask: "How do they do that?"

But in the real world, it's not a question... it's an exclamation: "WOW!" God, and the natural way of things, does a super job at the "WOW" stuff. Magicians just help us appreciate what real-life "gee-whiz" suckers we are.

My favorite real thing for a simple mind... and it's not a trick: The hanging belt. Take 34 seconds to see it here.

Gravity and energy and bridges, oh my!
Atoms and E=MC2 and scrapers to the sky.
Tides and magnets, the big and small...
How we use them to live with and work with and all!
How does it do that? I don't know...
but it has to... it's the law!

I love this stuff!

Editor's note: OK...

 ... so I haven't blogged in two weeks. Hey! I've been busy. But that's even too long for me to feel good about... so while I'm working on the next post, I got a kick out of this one, which I wrote and posted about a year-and-a-half ago. Enjoy.

 

Laugh and the world laughs with you...

... or thinks you are some kind of a weirdo. In any case, these actual 1998 newspaper headlines are worth passing along. Why 1998, you might ask? Because that's all I could find. They are, however, timeless:

• Include your children when baking cookies
• Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
• police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
• Drunks get nine months in violin case
• Iraqi head seeks arms
• Is there a ring of debris around Uranus? (personal favorite)
• Would-be women priests appeal to pope
  
• Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over
• Teacher strikes idle kids
• Clinton wins budget; more lies ahead
• Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
• Miners refuse to work after death
• Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
• Stolen painting found by tree
• Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout line
• War dims hope for peace
• If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
• Couple slain; police suspect homicide
• Man struck by lightning faces battery charge
• New study of obesity looks for large test group
• Astronaut takes blame for gas in space
• Kids make nutritious snacks
• Local high school dropouts cut in half
• Typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead

Almost everyone who blogs loves to write. Thus, a pretty cute writer's joke:

A screenwriter comes home to his burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside.  "My God. What happened, honey?" he asks.

"Oh Jerry, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking. The phone rang. It was your agent.  Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove was on fire. The house went up in a second. Everything is gone! I nearly didn't make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is..."

"Wait. Wait!" the man says. "Back up a minute. My agent called?"

Valentine's Day Special: That's Amore... or is it?

So you think Dean Martin's song is all that can be said about amore? Well wrong, wrong, wrong.

Actually, the song was Dean Martin's signature song dating back to 1952. Wikipedia explains Amore (pronounced somewhat as AA-MAW-REH) means "love" in Italian, giving a general translation in English "that's love" (as if we didn't know). It first appeared in the soundtrack of the Martin and Lewis comedy film The Caddy, released by Paramount Pictures on August 10, 1953.

It received a nomination for the Academy Award for Best Original Song of that year, but it lost to "Secret Love" from Calamity Jane starring Doris Day. (Secret: growing up years and years ago, Doris Day was my first screen love.)

But it goes much, much deeper than that as American poet Ogden Nash so adroitly pointed out. Born in 1902, Nash was most known for his light verses... the ones that made people laugh and groan. He died in 1971 but lives on in verse familair to many even now.

He wrote cute, fun to read stuff like:



Ode to a Baby:
A bit of talcum
Is always walcum

The Firefly
The firefly's flame Is something for which science has no name
I can think of nothing eerier
Than flying around with an unidentified glow on a
person's posteerier.

The Catsup Bottle
First a little
Then a lottle

The Ostrich
The ostrich roams the great Sahara.
Its mouth is wide, its neck is narra.
It has such long and lofty legs,
I'm glad it sits to lay its eggs.


Reflections on Ice-Breaking
Candy
Is Dandy
But liquor
Is quicker.

The Cow 
The cow is of the bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other, milk.


The Lama
 The one-l lama,
 He's a priest.
 The two-l llama,
 He's a beast.
 And I will bet
 A silk pajama
 There isn't any
 Three-l lllama.

OK... so what has that got to do with Dean Martin's song, That's Amore? Well, Martin, who I really never enjoyed... but he did have the smoothest voice ever, stopped at love. Ogden Nash knew there was more to be written... so he did:

Amore
by Ogden Nash

When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie
That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four
That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife
becomes stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight
Used his sword in a fight
That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze
In a damp marshy place,
That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine
And you tied up her line
That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests
Like you did all the rest
That's some more "A"s!

When on Mt. Cook you see
An aborigine,
That's a Maori.

A comedian-ham
With the name Amsterdam
That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham
Is so full and so crammed
That smore.

When you've had quite enough
Of this dumb rhyming stuff
That's "No more!", eh?

I like Ogden Nash, no more can I say.

PS: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Gone missing! Is this one of those British things?

Not too long ago, when a person or thing was not where it should be or couldn't be found, he/she/it was missing. He/she/it didn't just 'git up and go a-missin' (my new and more colorful way of saying missing)... he/she/it was just -- missing. I read where someone's jewelry 'went missing.' Sounds like the jewelry was complicit in the act. Even the definitive New York Times does it as do all of the network news anchors. 

It is British, of course. Those Brits got even with us for that Revolutionary War thing. They tricked us into using their language.



Next thing you know, it won't even be proper to say, "'So he goes, 'Hello.' Then I go, 'Hi yourself, stranger.' " Hmmm. There goes all the killer pick-up lines.

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

Now don't get the idea that it matters not... er, doesn't matter. Speaking English is a genuine health hazard.

Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

LOGICAL CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

How to balance the budget and save the world

It's so simple, really. Remember the 1993 movie Dave starring Kevin Klein and Sigourney Weaver? Klein played the role of both President Bill Mitchell and his exact look-alike, Dave Kovic.

Synopsis (thanks to IMDb): Bill Mitchell is the philandering and distant President of the United States. Dave Kovic is a sweet-natured and caring Temp Agency operator, who by a staggering coincidence looks exactly like the President. As such, when Mitchell wants to escape an official luncheon, the Secret Service hires Dave to stand in for him. Unfortunately, Mitchell suffers a severe stroke while having sex with one of his aides, and Dave finds himself stuck in the role indefinitely. The corrupt and manipulative Chief of Staff, Bob Alexander, plans to use Dave to elevate himself to the White House - but unfortunately, he doesn't count on Dave enjoying himself in office, using his luck to make the country a better place, and falling in love with the beautiful First Lady...

I thought the real fun part was when 'Dave,' who had stepped into the role of the conniving president, unbeknown even to the first lady (who couldn't tell them apart), asked his friend, accountant Murray Blum to come to the White House late one evening. Blum, played really well by Charles Grodin, showed Dave how he could easily and simply shave money from the federal budget so the First Lady's pet project, a day-care center for disadvantaged kids, could continue. (If you are not with me, then you haven't seen the movie... which is really, a must-see.)

Anyhow, it was a piece of cake for Dave to 'find' millions of dollars (remember, this is 1993 when a million dollars went further) allocated to pork projects that he diverted, thus saving the day... and winning the surprising admiration of the First Lady by this uncharacteristic benevolence.

Well, that is one way... but then since when has congress ever 'saved' a dollar, let alone a million... or billion or trillion? (Hey U.S. Government... my hardware store is selling wrenches and toilet seats for the space program for half-off... only $8,700 each.) But here's another.

As I was reading the morning news, I saw that in the United States, 10 people a day loose a finger to a table saw. Gross! That comes to 3,650 1/4 fingers per year, not allowing for double-digit loss. (Get it? Double-digit loss... )  Anyhow, the Consumer Public Safety Commission estimates these losses cost our economy $2 billion annually in lawsuits alone. (Read my story on this.)        

Now that is $2 billion dollars... or about $550,000 per finger. Remember that number.

Another story told about the time and fuel wasted as we sit idle in our cars in traffic tie-ups on expressways. It averages, in the big cities, 70 hours per year per driver... at an estimated cost in fuel, lost productivity and time of $115 billion dollars.

In the same paper, the feature story was on our increasing use of social media... Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, etc. and the enormous amount of data that is thrown our way to digest... much of it when we are at work. The loss of time and production was estimated at a staggering $650 billion dollars and increasing daily!

Are you with me here? If we can all agree to stop cutting off our fingers on table saws, keep the peddle to the metal instead of sitting willy-nilly in traffic and use all forms of social media between 9-pm and 7-am instead of when we are working, we save $767 BILLION DOLLARS annually! Can't we do without sleep to save our country?

My God... that is pretty close to a trillion dollars--give or take some loose change, which can probably be found in the cushions of the couches of America-- in savings! Maybe we can build that day care center for underprivileged children after all... just like in the movie.

The people in Toronto are so weird...

... Police there report that 10 percent of the city's 9-1-1 calls are "butt-dialed." Emergency vehicles respond to 300 "butt-dialed" calls per day (yes, per day!) to people who accidentally sit on their phones.

Shuuure they do.

The real story, I suspect, is that Canadian winters are so severe, fat tends to build-up on the body in undesired places when confined in front of the fireplace most days just to keep warm. And Canadians, when a real emergencies arise, don't trust shaky, frozen fingers to do their walking for them... they use their most dependable method to call 9-1-1. "

Plop on the phone honey, and just stay calm... help is on the way!

Better start practicing "the plop," Boston... after this winter, you're next!

And that's not all that's weird. In the world of infidelity:

Pakistan does it a little different. A man was beaten in public by two of his three wives. The reason: they were certain he had a secret fourth wife... and was planning to marry a fifth. In many parts of the world, it's one wife at a time... except in Utah.

A Texas woman is suing her boss, a TV evangelist. The woman, thinking that she was working in a Christian environment, was crestfallen when her special reverend boss confessed he was cheating on his wife. The woman's suit claims that affair is causing her "severe mental anguish." Think of how 'the little woman' must feel.

Now, if that didn't fill you up, A little more humor to brighten these cold winter days:

According to Conan, "Egypt is now in its second day of angry street protests, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Yeah. Because nothing calms an enraged Arab country like a powerful woman ordering it around."

The wise Jimmy Kimmel noted "It took the president an hour to sum up the state of the whole union, and American Idol needs two hours to find the next Danny Gokey? I don't think so."

It was reported North Korean glorious leader, Kim Jong Il, tried golf for the first time recently. Though 69-years-old and reportedly quite ill, he seemed to take to the game. Playing at Pyongyang's par-72 golf club, he shot a 38, aided somewhat by his 11 holes-in-one. And yes, you skeptical ones, he had witnesses. All 17 of his body guards attested to being enthralled as they watched the greatest round of golf EVER! That son-of-gun! doesn't he realize that all he has to do to win the hearts of the American people is come over here and win 20-25 PGA events (including all four majors) in a row. He would have us all in the palm of his hand. If we can forgive Tiger, everyone else is just a 'chip shot.' As we say in America after every one of Tiger's shots: "IT'S IN THE HOLE!"

Artificial Intelligence (AI)... why didn't I think of that?

As if we haven't got enough ourselves, we have been trying to come up with artificial intelligence for years. Dr. Frankenstein thought he had something going with his monster. Hmm. Maybe he just got the wrong brain to transplant. (Abe-normal, for all you Young Frankenstein fans.)

Then there was Robby of the 1968 TV series (and later movie), Lost in Space. Robby was a Class M-3 Model B9, General Utility Non-Theorizing Environmental Control Robot, with superhuman strength and futuristic weaponry. Robby laughed, could be sad and was able to mock his humans (as if that is so hard). His favorite line: "Danger! Danger Will Robinson." He sang and playing guitar too... and he did a great Elvis impersonation, thankyouverrrymuch!

Can't forget HAL 9000 in 2001: A Space Odyssey by Stanley Kubrick. HAL was capable of speech recognition, natural language understanding, lip reading and could beat humans at chess. HAL also killed its astronaut crew before (figuratively) his plug is pulled. So much for that try.

Of course, these are just a few of the fictional AI bots.

Both Robby and HAL are in the Robot Hall of Fame (yes, there really is one). Other honorees include LEGO® MINDSTORMS®, Lt. Cmdr. Data, AIBO, David, SCARA, Maria, ASTRO BOY, Shakey, C-3PO (of course), Gort, Mars Pathfinder Sojourner Rover, R2-D2 and Unimate. No WALL-e yet. He must have been caught betting on robot games.

Ever notice that many smart robot names are all caps? "Maybe that, JERRY," I say to myself, "is a sign of super intelligence.

Then there are the real attempts... IBM's Deep Blue, programed to defeat Chess Grandmaster Gary Kasparov in 1997. Deep Blue got its "smarts" by crunching millions of mathematical possibilities to determine the best possible move. It worked. But that is all Deep Blue could do... play chess. So maybe that makes it the absolute "idiot savant"--a term which has been rephrased autistic savant-- because it was dumb as a box of burnt-out tubes about absolutely anything else. "

Who is buried in Grant's Tomb?"

"Pawn to knight3."

See.

And today, there is a new, more interesting contender... Watson, another IBM machine named for the company's founder, Thomas J. Watson. Watson's advantage is that he doesn't have to know the answers... all he has to know are the questions.

Watson is going to be on Jeopardy the week of Feb. 14. When Alec Trebek introduces the contestants, it will be Ken Jennings (who won more Jeopardy games than anyone else) and Brad Rutter (who won more money on the show than anyone else) against the big blue box. Winner gets $1 million which, if it is Watson, would make him the Bill Gates of 'Bot World.'

Watson is ready. The big guy is a room-sized system powered by 90 servers and 360 computer chips... with 15 terabytes of random-access memory! That is 15,000 gigabytes, or 14,996 more than I have on my MacBook Pro. Watson has been fed encyclopedias, dictionaries, books, news, movie scripts and more... about 200 million pages of content! He also has algorithms to measure the level of confidence in his response to decide whether he should hit the buzzer. 

Watson has been taught (programed) to buzz and answer, with a simulated masculine voice, in the form of a question. Watson claims to know slang, contemporary jargon, trivia, subtleties of language, puns and riddles.  In a practice game, the category was "Chicks Dig Me." The answer: "Kathleen Kenyon's excavation of this city mentioned in Joshua shows that the walls had been repaired 17 times." Watson buzzed in first with "What is Jericho?" Bingo!

Next answer: "He was the 16th president of the United States." Watson again: What is Jericho? (Joke.)

Fear not human beings... Watson doesn't kill--to the best of the creators' knowledge-- nor does it play Wheel of Fortune. Lucky for us.

If this trend of creating artificial intelligence continues, we may not need monkeys any more.

It's really NUTS out there... 2011 version

An Ohio sixth grader was given detention for farting on the school bus. That'll make him think twice next time he tries something like that.

An art show that featured "a painting that hasn't been painted yet," an "invisible sculpture," and "a movie shot with no film in the camera" won the clever artist a $2,338 British government grant.

Elsewhere in Britain, another artist, asked to decorate the Christmas tree at England's Tate Gallery, earned his commission by leaving the tree bare. Pretty hard to top mother nature, eh? 

I guess the minimalist movement is alive and well in the UK.

The election of officers for the American Postal Workers Union was delayed... because many of the members' ballots were lost in the mail. D'oh!

The city of Coumbus, OH bought 18 new stretchers for its paramedics, each capable of toting 650-pound patients. Sadly, they are not sturdy enough for all needs. So it had to pay 10-grand for ones that can handle 1,000-pounders. Next will come the need to hire more paramedics just to carry those stretchers.

A recent poll found that one out of four Americans don't know that we won our independence from Great Britain. Among other popular choices: France, China and Mexico. So far, no mention of another planet.

Speaking of another planets... or more correctly, our nearest star... its status may soon be changing. Angeles Duran of Spain has notarized documents--ahh, the power of a notary--attesting that she is now the official "owner of the sun... (legal description follows in small print)"... and plans to charge a "reasonable fee" for use of the sun's rays. Says Duran, or perhaps we should start referring to her as God Jr., the proceeds will be split between the Spanish government, the world's poor and herself. "Anyone could have done it" she says. "It simply occurred to me first." Well, so much for that free tan.

Disturbingly, the number of clowns in America has increased 230 percent in the last 10 years, according to the WCA (World Clown Association.) Asks America: "Is that all?"

Now, to end on a bright note, we have found the answer to "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" It was the chicken, of course. Scientists have determined that a protein found in the chicken's ovary is necessary for the formation of the egg. I wonder where they got the protein necessary for the formation of the chicken?... but what do I know... I'm not a scientist. Next scientific question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Happy New Year!

A Cross to Bear

“Hey buddy! Watch it with the sign.”

Bill shook his head in disbelief as he walked to his mid-Manhattan office. Should be a law about that. These guys just clutter up the sidewalk. Nutsos! All of ‘em.

The guy with the sign paid no attention to Bill. He saw hundreds of people like him every day. Sure, the sign could have been smaller but when your message is big, you gotta have a big sign.

    “THE END OF THE WORLD IS COMING!”

John saw his only mission in life as spreading God’s word and making sure everyone was ready when they met their maker… not that everyone paid any attention to him… or that anyone paid any attention to him. Yet, John was undaunted. This is what God wanted from him… told him personally… and true to God’s word, John was ‘on the job’ every day. He was a ‘regular’... one of those street people that become vaguely familiar to the multitude that travel the same path most days.

You couldn’t say John’s clothes were rags, but then you wouldn’t say they weren’t. Looked like they were from the Goodwill men’s department… many years ago. It was his falling-apart sandals missing a strap, the untended beard that met his dirty hair half-way and the glassy-eyed look that said, ‘I do this for a living.’  Oh... and the sign, of course. But it was his rather distinctive ‘air’ that told the blind beggar down the block that John was at work.

Some days, John carried an old wooden cross. Thing towered about two-feet above his head and weighed almost half as much as John himself. Those were the days he wore his dirty white robe with the rope belt. Quite effective.

Those were the days that Bill, and everyone else, gave John wide berth.

“Saw that crazy ‘jesus guy’ again,” Bill told his wife that evening. “He was carrying the big cross today. God, he sure smells. Wonder what his story is.”

Two days later, Bill saw him once more, just as ‘the jesus guy’ fell while crossing the busy street.

“Hey! You ok?”

As he put his arm under the self appointed ‘savior of the world’ to help him up, Bill shook his head. He couldn’t believe he instinctively ran to his aid. And if that wasn’t enough, he had to stop traffic to pick up the huge cross before it caused an accident.

“Thank you, my brother. Thank you. God sent you to me today and I am grateful.”

“Now wait a minute, old man…”

“Name is John.”

“Hate to tell you this, John, but you couldn’t be more wrong. There is no God. He only exists in your mind…. like Santa Claus.”

“How can you say that, man? God is the sun. The moon. The air. God is life in all its forms.” John, arms waving and sputtering as he talked, was just getting warmed up. As the crowd gathered, John knew this was the day… and the reason he was put on earth.

“Tell me, man,” he said, poking a finger in Bill’s chest. “Tell me who made you? Tell me which came first, the chicken or the egg? And where did either one of them come from? And the stars… and the universe...”

Bill couldn’t believe it. This bum had come alive. He was no wino with a hand out but a man on a mission. He took two steps backward for every one of John’s giant strides into his chest.

“How can you defend Santa Claus for your kids’ faith and joy and not give God the same courtesy? How can you smile at Christmas and get angry when I talk about God?”

John, sputtering on, was red in the face with fervor.  “What are you afraid of, man? Listen to your heart as your children listened to you. Is there a Santa Claus? Damned right! Is there a God? Damned if you are wrong. Don’t tell yourself nothin’ you don’t, deep down, believe just because you are afraid.”

Bill blinked and stared into John’s eyes. They weren’t crazy. They were begging for understanding…asking… pleading to be heard.

“Come on, man. I can see you get it. Admit it to yourself. Go with it. Take His hand and…and…and…”

John closed his eyes, took one staggering step backward… then slumped to the ground. His work was done.

The gathered audience seemed quietly stunned, unsure of what to do next.

“BREAK IT UP! Nothing to see here,” blared the voice from the bullhorn wielded by the officer in a black and white. And like that, the crowd backed away, watching as Bill knelt to John.

“He’s gone, officer. I can’t believe it. He’s gone.”

Bill didn’t sleep that night. He and his wife must have talked for hours before she fell asleep on the couch. Near morning, Bill stumbled into the shower, determined to see that John was taken care of…vowing to make sure he had a decent Christian burial.

“I saw that man a thousand times as a nut case…a homeless crazy,” he muttered to his wife as he walked toward the front door.  “In just five minutes, I knew a man that I should have known from the very beginning. I …. I… ,”  his voice trailed off.

“What is it Bill?” his wife hollered at his silence as she ran to him, now standing in the front yard, staring back in disbelief.

“How…? Why…? I don’t understand.”

There, a large wooden cross…bigger, by far, than John’s, was leaning against the house.

Things that amaze me most: Part VI

As I told you before, there are a number of things/events/emotions that absolutely blow-my-mind because they are so introspectively amazing and give me a deeper sense of awe. So I made a list of the things that amaze me most... some big, some small, some acts, some things... but all, in my mind, amazing.  So far:

Part I:    THE PACIFIC OCEAN
Part II:   BIG NUMBERS
Part III: THE YOUNG: Babies, toddlers and teens
Part IV:  LAUGHTER: A peek into the soul
Part V:   NATURE: Her splendor and fury

PART VI: THE POWER OF 1

 

An old but good story: Two men were walking on the beach, naturally littered with washed-on-the-shore starfish. Every few steps, one of the men would stop, pick up a starfish and throw it back into the sea. After this had happened about half-dozen times, the other man chided him.

"Why are you doing that? There are thousands of starfish on the beach. You can't really make a difference."

First man flipped the starfish he was holding back into the ocean. "I can to that one."

Interesting thing about The Power of 1... it can be so subtle that you don't even know when or how you affect someone. It often manifests itself without your knowledge or conscious effort... like being a good example, or smiling to a passer-by who needs a smile. It can be overwhelmingly incredible like grabbing hold of a stranger's elbow as he is about to step off the curb into an approaching car. It makes a difference...often an amazing difference.

"1" doesn't have to be heroic in the Superhero sense, though it sometimes is. Take CNN's Heroes of the year for 2010:

• Susan Burton's nonprofit provides sober housing and other support to formerly incarcerated women.
• Guadalupe Arizpe De La Vega has for 30 years, provided quality health care in the dangerous city of Juarez, Mexico. Several times a week, this 74-year-old grandmother drives into the murder capital of the world to help keep a sanctuary and health center for the needy, open and available for people who have no other place to turn. 
• Linda Fondren has helped residents of her Mississippi town lose nearly 15,000 pounds.
• Narayanan Krishnan has brought more than 1.2 million hot meals to India's homeless and destitute through his nonprofit organization.
• Dan Wallrath of Texas has, since 2005,  given injured veterans homes of their own -- mortgage-free.
• Anuradha Koirala and her group have helped more than 12,000 victims of Nepal's sex trafficking business.
• Magnus MacFarlane-Barrow's program, Mary's Meals, provides free daily meals to more than 400,000 children around the world.
• Aki Ra and his group have made Cambodia safer by clearing about 50,000 mines and weapons.
• Evans Wadongo invented a way for rural families in Kenya to replace smoky kerosene and firelight with solar powered lanterns saving countless lives.
• Harmon Parker builds footbridges in Kenya -- protecting people from floods and animals while connecting communities. 

                (There is much more detail... and more heroes, on the CNN website.)

Remember Violet and Allen Large of Nova Scotia? Nope! The names sometime escape us... but that's the thing about the Power Of 1... heroic actions are usually not notable for who, but what and how. Being a hero is often a selfless, quiet action that positively affects others. Though Violet is currently fighting cancer,  the Larges, who won $11 million in a lottery last July, donated the entire amount for various causes including their local fire department, hospitals and organizations that fight cancer, Alzheimer's and diabetes. Said Allen, "The money that we won was nothing. We have each other." 

Hollywood has a neat way of showcasing the Power Of 1. Movies (and television, books, etc.) can show the perspective of all the characters and showcase cause and effect actions. How about a seasonal example: It's a Wonderful Life showed the greatness of George Bailey in the way he lived his life of personal character without ever realizing the positive effect he had on those he touched. (I love that movie.)

An organ donor covered on tonight's news saved a dozen strangers by his donations... and it showed the donor's wife listening to her deceased husband's heart beating in another's chest. Very powerful. (You an organ donor? You should be.)

And this season, how about Santa? Oh yeah! the Power of 1... in hearts and minds.

Most of us celebrate Christmas because of one man born about 2000 years ago. Need a better example of the Power of 1?

May your holidays be blessed and the New Year bring a resolve to unleash your Power of 1 for a richer you. Play it forward.

You Can Fool Some of the People...

  “No lady. We don’t got no elephants.”

Geez…  the rubes always ask about elephants. Usually it’s some pig-faced farmer-woman with a mouthful of popcorn.  “Uh, mmm. Pardon me sir… Do you have elephants?”

We ain’t no zoo, fer Christ’s sake. Carnivals don’t got elephants… or nothing that ain’t somebody’s pet…. Like Walter’s rat, Hermie. Or Maggie ‘s Ruff.  I got my little boa, Slither. ..and old Prince. Just pets. No elephants, trained seals or zebras. That’d be all I’d need… crap the size of footballs."

It wasn’t Frank’s Carney… but it was his Freak Show and he was the big draw on the Midway. Who would have doubted after they had seen Jack and Jill, the only fraternal Siamese twins in the world, joined at the hip by what looked like a rubbery band, Little Lulu, the world’s smallest lady and her husband, Big Bill Benson who actually weighed 470 pounds. Now there’s an elephant for you. Of course, Prince the Unicorn wasn’t too shabby… when his horn didn’t come unglued on those blistering summer days and lay across his face looking more like the paper towel cone it originally was.

Credibility started to suffer with Zelda, the bearded lady. She looked like a pro football linebacker in drag. Actually, she never played football… but she was in drag.  “Just never got around to that sex change did you Phil?”

And Tommy, the world’s biggest tortoise, was loosing his ‘gee-whiz’ appeal with the crowd. “Kids today just don’t buy into a 35-pound snapping turtle like their parents in the days before Animal Planet. Damn TV is going to drive us all out of business.”

Frank was always on the lookout for a new star. And when he sold the cold and rainy night’s first--and maybe only--ticket to that huge creepy-looking guy in the dirty long raincoat, he had a feeling that maybe this could be ‘it.’ The guy, with a sad excuse for a face that maybe even a mother couldn’t love, was either a real ‘freak’ or some perverted flasher. In either case, he wouldn’t be a first.

As Frank followed at a distance, he saw the guy’s eyes seem to bulge as he stared at Jack and Jill. Then the creep started to drool as he reached toward them across the railing.

“Hey Mister,” Frank hollered. “Hands to yourself! This is a ‘no-touch’ zone.”

With that, the creep turned, looked Frank up and down, and flashed him a hideous grin. As he ‘waddled,’ toward him, Frank noticed the guy’s feet were nothing but blobs of flesh… and where he walked, he left a glistening, slimy trace.

“What the…”

Then Frank smiled. He had found his freak… a real one this time.

Moments later, hearing what sounded like a muffled scream, Jack and Jill got off their chair and looked toward where Frank’s voice had came from. Frank was nowhere in sight. All they saw was ‘the creep,” grinning and slowly moving their way.