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Friday, December 10, 2010

You Can Fool Some of the People...

  “No lady. We don’t got no elephants.”
Geez…  the rubes always ask about elephants. Usually it’s some pig-faced farmer-woman with a mouthful of popcorn.  “Uh, mmm. Pardon me sir… Do you have elephants?”
We ain’t no zoo, fer Christ’s sake. Carnivals don’t got elephants… or nothing that ain’t somebody’s pet…. Like Walter’s rat, Hermie. Or Maggie ‘s Ruff.  I got my little boa, Slither. ..and old Prince. Just pets. No elephants, trained seals or zebras. That’d be all I’d need… crap the size of footballs."
It wasn’t Frank’s Carney… but it was his Freak Show and he was the big draw on the Midway. Who would have doubted after they had seen Jack and Jill, the only fraternal Siamese twins in the world, joined at the hip by what looked like a rubbery band, Little Lulu, the world’s smallest lady and her husband, Big Bill Benson who actually weighed 470 pounds. Now there’s an elephant for you. Of course, Prince the Unicorn wasn’t too shabby… when his horn didn’t come unglued on those blistering summer days and lay across his face looking more like the paper towel cone it originally was.
Credibility started to suffer with Zelda, the bearded lady. She looked like a pro football linebacker in drag. Actually, she never played football… but she was in drag.  “Just never got around to that sex change did you Phil?”
And Tommy, the world’s biggest tortoise, was loosing his ‘gee-whiz’ appeal with the crowd. “Kids today just don’t buy into a 35-pound snapping turtle like their parents in the days before Animal Planet. Damn TV is going to drive us all out of business.”
Frank was always on the lookout for a new star. And when he sold the cold and rainy night’s first--and maybe only--ticket to that huge creepy-looking guy in the dirty long raincoat, he had a feeling that maybe this could be ‘it.’ The guy, with a sad excuse for a face that maybe even a mother couldn’t love, was either a real ‘freak’ or some perverted flasher. In either case, he wouldn’t be a first.
As Frank followed at a distance, he saw the guy’s eyes seem to bulge as he stared at Jack and Jill. Then the creep started to drool as he reached toward them across the railing.
“Hey Mister,” Frank hollered. “Hands to yourself! This is a ‘no-touch’ zone.”
With that, the creep turned, looked Frank up and down, and flashed him a hideous grin. As he ‘waddled,’ toward him, Frank noticed the guy’s feet were nothing but blobs of flesh… and where he walked, he left a glistening, slimy trace.
“What the…”
Then Frank smiled. He had found his freak… a real one this time.
Moments later, hearing what sounded like a muffled scream, Jack and Jill got off their chair and looked toward where Frank’s voice had came from. Frank was nowhere in sight. All they saw was ‘the creep,” grinning and slowly moving their way.

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