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Tuesday, July 26, 2011

"Mawidge is what bwings us together today... "

Statistically, most of us are married. And about half of all marriages end in divorce. And most of those divorced, remarry. Yes, most of us men/women, men/men, women/women, love marriage so much that we do it 1.4 times on average. (Statistics back this up, but they are confusing, so I've made your life easier by totally avoiding them. None of that mumbo-jumbo for my readers.)

Truly, "Mawidge is what bwings us together today... " 

And if you haven't seen Princess Bride, perhaps the most fun movie ever made... and the only one featuring Andre' the Giant, shame on you. What movie can you name that includes Cary Elwes, Mandy Patinkin, Chris Sarandon, Christopher Guest, Andre' the Giant, Fred Savage, Robin Wright, Peter Falk, Peter Cook and Billy Chrystal?

FYI: Most marriages: An East coast groom married 28 times, only stopping to die at 88. (So that's the secret to long life. All this time I thought it was eating vegetables.) Not surprising, same guy holds the record for the most divorces... 27. (Side note: An Indiana lady has been married 24 times and is coming up fast on the rail).

Most brides, least divorces: Easy... polygamist Warren Jeffs who is on trial now for having marital bliss with his 12-year-old bride... one of his "100 or so" wives. Least number of divorces: tied for the record with none. Jeffs wants his followers to build him a mansion as big as a Holiday Inn in anticipation of his triumphant return home. Heck. He's no dummy. The guy will get rich just on the tips that are left for the cleaning maids. I do see a bigger problem... how does he keep from calling Stephanie, Suzanne... and Annette, Angelina... and Bernadette, Hey... You... er, what's your name again, sweetie?

Crazy mixed up bride and groom:  The white American couple who had a black baby when she became pregnant just by watching a 3D porno film. Now THAT'S realism. I wonder if she had to keep those special glasses on? Her husband said "I see no reason not to believe her as those 3D films are very lifelike. With the technology of today, everything is possible."

The wife and her girl friends had gone to see how a porno movie looked with 3D effects. GREAT, they obviously concluded. "A month after watching the film," she said, "I found I was pregnant." And the child, it is reported, looked exactly like the black male lead. The couple is suing the movie theater and the producer of that very realistic film, which has to be a "shoo-in" for a Special Effects Academy Award.

Best right hook for a bride: Rupert Murdock's 42-year-old wife who floored a protestor trying to assault hubby Rupert, age 80, with a shaving cream pie in the face.

Most children in a marriage: 69... really? At least that's what Guinness says. A woman and her husband, in a land far, far away (Russia), a long time ago (1700s), had 16 pair of twins, 7 sets of triplets and 4 sets of quads. Hmm. Documentation in the pre-pencil days only works well if you are writing the bible.

Longest marriage: 86 years... by a NC couple... both living into their hundreds... or as they tell it... at least it seemed like 86 years.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

A tribute to NASA as Space Shuttle Atlantis heads home from the International Space Station for the last time...

Can you imagine... this is a real, undoctored photo!

It is astronaut Bruce McCandless II who became the first human satellite just 25 years ago! He is a football field away from the Challenger, 170 miles above the earth, moving at 17,500 mph.... though it doesn't seem as fast to him because he can't see the telephone poles zipping by. He and astronaut Robert L. Stewart made the first untethered spacewalks in history using their nitrogen-propelled "ray guns" (my words) to zip this way and that.

They were floating free in space for six hours while they circled the earth almost five times--105,000 miles-- with nothing but a few essentials (space suit, air, toothbrush, Swiss Army knife, etc.)  Without phone booths, even Superman can't match that.

Discounting the obvious mortal consequences if anything went wrong, that must have been like no carnival ride on earth... I can't imagine. I couldn't even step out on the glass floor section of Toronto's CN Tower.

Commander Corey fights for you!
Well, these guys may have been the first ACTUAL human satellites in space but we have long known what it is all about. We had Commander Corey of the Space Patrol on radio and early television in the '50s, Captain Video on TV and Flash Gordon of the comics who fueled the fire. These fictional heros introduced us to  space and stirred imaginations. And as kids, we were enthralled. From that generation came the space pioneers at every level, from scientists, astral-physicists and technicians to astronauts and the those who worked the launch pad.

Captain Video and Video Ranger
Space Patrol was best... it was first a radio serial where acting was over the top... with great sound effects--Whoosh! Zoom! Tzaaaap!-- to add (to the best of anyone's knowledge) realism. Commander Buzz Corey and sidekick Cadet Happy (really), with help from the beautiful Tonga of course, fought the the villains: Mister Proteus, Dr. Ryland Scarno and my personal favorite, the evil scientist, Prince Baccarritti whose evil laugh would curdle milk.

Program commercials were voiced by 'Captain' Dick Tufel for WheatChex and RiceChex with "... out of this world Space Patrol stuff that all Space Patrollers will want to have...spaceophones, projectoscopes and atomolights..." often with an important alert: "The letter "O" is very important in the future."

When Jules Verne wrote "From the Earth to the Moon" in 1865, who would have ever guessed... THANK YOU NASA FOR A GREAT RIDE.

Does that make Walt Disney the next visionary by naming Mickey's dog, Pluto? Hmm. Maybe.   

So, going from the sublime to the ridiculous, as Loony Tunes Porky Pig would say, "Th-th-th-th-"That's all folks!"

Saturday, July 9, 2011

I'm telling you... It's Nuts out there

College football mania is just around the corner, but some fans may be confused. For the coming season, the BIG TEN will have 12 teams and the BIG 12 will have 10. Meanwhile the PAC-10, perplexed and out of step, will just have 10.

Some are still reeling as the advent of same sex marriage moves to a broader acceptance, but get ready for the next big wave. Rajesh, a trend-setting Indian rickshaw driver, was recently married to Chinki, a monkey. As a side-note, monkeys are important in Hinduism. Well I guess! The happy couple is reported to have had a 'swingin' honeymoon. PS: Yes, true story. 

During an anti-helmet protest ride in New York, one of the 550 bareheaded riders lost control of his cycle, was thrown over the handlebars of his bike, hit his head on the pavement and died. He likely would have survived the accident if he'd been wearing a helmet, state troopers said. Are you listening Gary Busey?

A North Carolina man drowned over the July 4th holiday. Cause of death listed in the paper (so it has to be true): He got a cramp because he went swimming immediately after eating. See... mom was right.

Some lifeguards in Newport Beach make $200,000 a year and many make more than $100,000. Teachers of the world... you are so dumb to be stuck in a job where you can't get a tan, wasted all that time in school and, oh yeah, can't raise a family on one salary.

Side note: The MEDIAN salary of 350 CEOs of major corporations was $9.3 million (that is for each!) last year so it kind of makes life guards feel "like, ya know, hey man, what am I... chopped liver?"

Superstar Shaquille O'Neil missed 5,317 free throws in his 19-year NBA career. Such prowess at the line compelled his opponents to create a new defense against him... the 'Hack-A-Shaq,' figuring the best way to keep him from scoring was to make him shoot free throws... and they were right.

Gasoline is currently selling for 12-cents per gallon in Venezuela! None-the-less, for the first time in that country's car-loving, anything-goes-on-the-road culture, a driver has had his license suspended. He was speeding. He was drunk. He was an on-duty bus driver. His bus was carrying more passengers than it could legally hold... and, oh yes,  the bus was missing a wheel. I hope he has learned his lesson.

India is growing at the rate of 44 new people per hour vs. New York's nine and London's one-per-hour pace. India will overtake China in total population by 2050... and get this: 92 % of Mumbai's workers walk, use buses or trains to get to work. Now doesn't that seem a lot more relaxing than being stuck in traffic?

In an attempt to slow the population growth, India has recently begun encouraging man-monkey marriages. (Yes, that's a joke... but hmm... if it can work for one... )