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Wednesday, May 23, 2012

If you are happy and you know it...


All over America, I can hear you. Yep, after languishing so long behind Australia, Norway and a lot of other Scandinavian countries that seem to do nothing but laugh and enjoy life (how dull is that?), we finally come in at NUMBER 3 in the most happy country contest!

Yep, we are still behind but I guess we showed Denmark, New Zealand, Sweden, Canada, Switzerland, and The Netherlands a thing or two.

This info comes from the Paris based Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD) that, I think, uses an applause meter in making its momentous findings. Those Parisians are so darn clever.

I was wondering why we have, all of a sudden, become happier--in relation to everyone else, that is. Is it because we are the home of Facebook, or we have Saturday Night Live or Justin Bieber, or Jennifer Aniston is finally happy, or the Kardashians are getting it together, or a million other great reasons?  I'm guessing it is for all of those and more.

Maybe the rankings were just from a show of hands? Hey America, if you are happier than last time we asked, raise your hands--which they actually do to vote in Appenzell, Switzerland, as they have done for the last 700 years--then get those hands up.

Get your act together America... we have two spots to climb before we reach the top. So smile every chance you get and, of course, laugh at all my jokes.

Test joke: Guy goes to the doctor and the doctor says, sadly, "You only have six weeks to live."

 Guy takes this very hard... "Doctor, doctor," he pleads, "isn't there anything I can do?"

"Well," says the doc, "you could take two or three mud baths a day."

"Oh, doctor... will that cure me?"

"No, but it will help you get used to the dirt."

So... are we gaining or loosing? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Oh America, you are so helpless!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Even more proof we humans are doomed! (scroll down to see last post and catch up on the panic.)

So, I think I made my case (scroll down to previous post) that there is a conspiracy underway to eliminate humans altogether. Today's most aggressive trend is to eliminate jockeys. Why? Because it is a dangerous profession and those who know horses say jockeys only add 10 percent to the horse's effort. Oh yeah. You want the truth? YOU WANT THE TRUTH? YOU COULDN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

None-the-less, and calmly stated--panic is the last thing we need-- more proof in the continuing saga to eliminate humans altogether (Those damn aliens!) If these secret photos don't spell the end to jockeys, I don't know what does.

Can't you just see Simba riding atop the next Derby winner?

Or Michael Jackson... so now we are using the dead against us too.
Or the Aliens themselves.
See what I mean... secret alien jockey training camp
Nah... to obvious when bears can do the job just as well.
I think I made my point.
So be on the lookout for all the ways we humans are being s-l-o-w-l-y being eliminated. Next thing you know, someone will be trying to make a car that drives itself.

Oh shit!

Saturday, May 12, 2012

PROOF! "They" are trying to get rid of us... or, more calmly stated: Robots are taking over the world!

If you read Seabiscuit... or saw the movie, you know the hell some jockeys have to go through--even discounting the riding injuries or deaths--just to keep their dangerous jobs. Now a Wall Street Journal feature asks, "Do Horse Races Really Need Jockeys?" Hmm? I think there may be more to this story than meets the eye.

Don't you see what's happening here folks?

No more jockeys, huh? 

Before that, it was automated telephone answering trees that eliminated operators: "Please listen carefully as some of our menu choices have recently changed."
Then it was Watson, IBM's foray into IA (Artificial Intelligence), where machine beat man at Jeopardy. (Just between you and me, I think Alec Trebek is a robot too... or Canadian.)
So, if we don't need jockeys, don't need operators, don't need contestants...  are we humans slowly being phased out by our jealous alternative universe, aliens, or a mysterious super power? I wouldn't put it passed them. Zap! We're gone... and they (whoever "they" is) step in and enjoy our television shows, fully stocked Walmarts and all the fast food "their" (little) hearts' desire. Boy, have "they" got it good.

OK. We all know about the telephone trees and Watson on Jeopardy. Now proof positive... the elimination of human jockeys is being tested as we talk... right under our noses!

Ooops! Excuse me. Bad example.
So do you get the picture? Unless we step in and stop this RIGHT NOW, I'm afraid we are gone in the long haul... unless... UNLESS we can talk some sense into them.

Remember Space Odyssey 2001... I think we can reason with them.


Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Just when we discover that the Mayan calendar goes beyond 2012 (Whew to that!), we have to worry about those damn robots. Oh well... as my mom used to say, "Into each life a little rain must fall."

Friday, May 4, 2012

Buy low, sell high... or is it the other way around? I always get this confused.

I bought a bass boat once because I thought I liked to fish. I found that I did... only just 'sort of. ' So I decided to sell.

A few years back, when I wanted a bass boat so bad I could just 'taste it,' I drove a hard bargain. The guy wanted $4500 for this gem... said it was worth every penny and a lot more. "Hasn't sunk once," was his big claim.

I, smiling knowingly, countered: "Ever fish around icebergs?"

He, unsmiling, started to walk slowly back to his car, and said... nothing.

I, playing cool as always and looking quite un-anxious as I ran after him waving my arms in the air, said, in a high-pitched voice breaking with emotion, "I'll give you $4400 and not a penny more."

He turned to me and, crossing his arms across his chest, which I know is a sign of faked confidence, said, "$4495."

After wiping away the tear running down my cheek, I stilled my beating heart and reacted calmly to show him that I had won this battle. "I'll take it... please."

(Note to reader: Always be polite. I learned that early-on from a cartoon series called 'Goofus and Gallant' in my Boy's Life Magazine.

A few weeks ago, I thought... "pay-back time" as I posted my little-used bass boat on Craig's list for just $3000--depreciation, you know. I couldn't adopt his old ploy. My bass boat had actually sunk... twice.. with no loss of life I'm happy to report. And no, I was not fishing among icebergs! No more questions.

Very soon, my first 'fish  ; -)' came knocking... and I s-l-o-w-l-y started 'reeling him in.'

"Hmm... " he said eying my boat as he walked around it while scratching his chin. "Ever sink?"

"Been in the water ever since I bought it," I truthfully said.

"Hmm... " he said some more.

Well, I won't bore you with details of the intense interaction and class 'A' salesmanship I threw at him. Needless to say, he was comfortably in the palm of my hand. (He later confessed to me that I had him at Titanic.) This, subsequently, brought about my second happiest boating moment... I sold it on the spot. Best $2000 (every sucker needs a break) I ever earned.

This entire shrewdness on my part, not counting a repair here or there or here or there or here or there, netted me enough to easily pay for all my worms. And what true fisherman wouldn't be happy to figure it only cost about $500 per pound per fish?

OK. Truth is, I had to sell... I just couldn't afford to catch more fish.

So what am I going to do with my windfall? Well, I did see this sculpture I might buy. Memo to self: Be cool. Act like you don't want it... then POUNCE! (It's called 'Walking Man' by some guy... Alberto Giacometti.) Rumor has it that it recently sold for $104.3 million... but I think I can get it from that guy (who is probably suffering from buyer's remorse) for a lot less than that. It just might fill the hole in my heart from the loss of my bass boat.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Proof: Art is fashion and fashion is art

I was here last week (in Louisville, KY) and enjoyed a good art show on a beautiful day. Though the show was not judged or juried,  there were, as you would guess, many wonderful things to enjoy.

I found my favorite where I would least expect it to be... in the stall of a creative artist who uses odd scrap material in fun ways that come out, as you can see, not clunky at all. Well, if you have the talent and imagination, any medium is fair game to enthrall.

So, as one might say in Paris (disclaimer to avoid confusion: Louisville is not Paris): Voila!

If you look closely, you will see that the material is... er, license plates... Kentucky license plates to be exact. And the artist is a talented local, Joel Pinkerton.

This really neat 'piece' is full size, perhaps a six in my imaged eye, with a beautiful contour and style that would look nicely in place on an attractive (tough-skinned) blond... with an appropriate, large brimmed Kentucky Derby hat, of course, (like the one Paris--not Louisville--Hilton is wearing) at the first of horse racing's Triple Crown races this weekend. But that's another story.

 Kentucky Derby-ish type Hat    
I do think this fits Sophia Loren's ideal: A woman's dress should be like a barbed wire fence: serving it's purpose without obstructing the view.

And it offers a ready-made, slightly modified, pick-up line:  Are you from Tennessee Kentucky because you are the only ten I see. (Hmm... didn't work for me either.)

And while I am talking fashion and art,  It's my darlin , a Seattle street fashion blog is one of my favorites because I love Seattle and I love trendy. (Aside: the Seattle Times has just picked this up for it's Sunday magazine.)