Quotes like: "There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting." George Carlin
Or: "When you are in love with someone, you want to be near him all the time, except when you are out buying things and charging them to him" Miss Piggy
Try these on for size:
- "'Dr. Livingstone I Presume.' Full name of Dr. Presume." unknown
- "In 1932, lame duck President Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two med decided to stay together for the sake of the children." Johnny Carson
- "Death is nature's way of saying 'Howdy.'" Unknown
- "The chicken probably came before the egg because it is hard to imagine God wanting to sit on an egg." Unknown
- "In England there are sixty different religions and only one sauce." Francesco Carocciolo (1752-1799)
- "Never try to walk across a river just because it has an average depth of four feet." Martin Friedman
"Roses are reddish
Violets are bluish
If it weren't for Christmas
We'd all be Jewish.
Benny Hill (1925-1992)
Or common knowledge:
"There are three reasons why lawyers are replacing rats as laboratory research animals. One is that they're plentiful, another is that lab assistants don't get attached to them, and the third is that there are some things rats just won't do." Unknown
It could be contemporary:
"The old neighborhood has changed. Hurley Brothers Funeral Home is now called Death 'n' Things. Elmore Leonard
Or about our quest for the perfect body:
"I asked the clothing store clerk if she had anything to make me look thinner, and she said, 'How about a week in Bangladesh?'" Rosanne Barr
Could even be a high school cheer (unofficially):
We don't drink!
We don't smoke!
Unknown... but ask the students
Or it could be funny:
"Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing was happening, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'" Rodney Dangerfield, of course
But you can only go for quotes in small doses. Too many overwhelm the sense of irony... and there is nothing I hate worse than ironing. I picked up a copy of Robert Byrne's book, The 2,548 Things Anybody Ever Said and realized how fast you can get full. But if you take your time and read just a few pages every so often, you would be amazed at how long it takes to get through 2,548 things.
All in all, I learned there are a lot of quotes by this guy, Unknown and his brother, Anonymous. I also learned the impossible:
"Fix this sentence: He put the horse before the cart." Steven Price
But what better than these important lessons from Jack Handy to finish this off:
"Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up."
"For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness."
"If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted."
"Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank"and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind."
"The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw."
Last one, I promise: "The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me."