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Wednesday, April 20, 2011

One good tern deserves another... and other ridiculous puns and dribble (literally and figuratively) and, special added attraction: Those Brits! this case, another world record.

It is confirmed... the arctic tern, weighing just .05 oz, is the longest migrator on earth. This little bugger covers 44,000 miles in a year... and if it were driving a Chevy, in just five years, the car would have 220,000 miles on it. Think of the trade-in value on that. In a lifetime--for a tern, perhaps 34 years--it would fly the equivalent of three round trips to the moon.

Then there is the momma polar bear that swam for nine days across the frigid Beaufort Sea to reach an ice floe 426 miles offshore, according to researchers at the U.S, Geological Survey in Alaska. Obvious conclusion by those in the know... she was probably bear-y bear-y cold. She did lose 22 percent of her body weight... and her cub, who did not survive the journey.

Scientists also have discovered bass in U.S. rivers that are intersexual--that is, exhibiting both male and female sex characteristics. These large mouth and small mouth bass are thought to have been altered by pollutants in the water. Initial evaluation says "while there is cause for concern, there's no cause for panic." But if this is one of nature's precursors, what if humans drinking the water are so affected. Hmmm! More of 'he said--she said' when we are talking to ourselves.

Ever hear of Dan Magness? This guy, 26, just set the Keepy Uppy (that's the official name) record by keeping a soccer ball off the ground without using hands or arms for 250,000 touches! Yeah... and he did it 'on the road' bouncing 36 miles in 14 hours as he toured all five of London's Premier League stadiums. I'm not overly impressed with many world records, but this one is kind of awesome. Just staying awake and on his feet is something. Of his quarter-million touches without one miscue, 25 percent were with his feet, 70 percent are with his head (which may explain something) and 5 percent were with his knees.

Those Brits! Ever read London Review of Books, a pretty heady publication for the high end literary crowd of England? While it can appear a quite stodgy, there are always the classifieds to add a touch of dash. A few recent 'eye openers:'

  • While you're reading this, I'm taking a photograph of you from outside your window. Later today I'll put it in the scrapbook I'm compiling of our love. The heading will be "Day 1."
  • Sexually, I'm not like Switzerland at all, even though live there. Monolingual M, Lausanne-based, seeks F for the usual shenanigans.
  • As a child, my fontanel never joined up properly. So I must insist on wearing a helmet during intercourse. Other than that it's all systems go.
  • Ulcerative gingivitis prevents me from eating tomato-based products and using tongues when kissing. It doesn't matter--I hate tomatoes!
  • Female, 34. All own limbs. Seeks man with low priorities.
  • A while back I wrote a bunch of really angry ads here directed at you after you left me and went back to your idiotic ex-boyfriend. I want you to know that I regret none of them. I'd do it again and I still hate you.
  • This is how I want to seduce you--using meaningless words in a column of fools before a theatre of idiots. Write immediately and be upon me.
Those literati just slay me.

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