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Sunday, January 8, 2012

Oh no! The cost of becoming a multi-millionaire just doubled! Please say it ain't so.

How unfair is that? The cost of a Powerball ticket just DOUBLED... from one buck to two! I am going to start a movement... OCCUPY EASY STREET. Who's with me on this? If enough of us with real conviction get together, we could change the world... and become part of the 1%.

BUT WAIT A SECOND!

What am I thinking? Even though my ticket to fat city just increased 100%, the odds of winning dropped from 1 in 195 million to 1 in 175 million, making it almost a sure thing. And if the cost increases... AND the odds decrease, the payoff would naturally increase dramatically.  That $340 million record jackpot will seem like chicken feed now. Shucks... talk about me looking at the glass half empty... When will I ever learn?

What this really means is that my financial future has gone from peiodically lowering the projected age of my death--and I'm already underwater--so dollars meet need, to WHOOPIE! Free strawberry ice cones for everyone... on me!

As to how I plan to use the money... with benevolence, of course. My friend to be, Steve Martin, getting serious on SNL in 1991, laid it all out in his Christmas wish:

If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be that all the children to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace. 

If I had two wishes I could make this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace. And the second would be for 30 million dollars a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account. 

You know, if I had three wishes I could make this holiday season, the first, of course, would be for all the children of the world to get together and sing, the second would be for the 30 million dollars every month to me, and the third would be for encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe. 

And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be the crap about the kids definitely, the second would be for the 30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought out slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina-somebody, I can't think of her name. Of course my lovely wife can come too and she's behind me one hundred percent here, I guarantee it. 

Wait a minute, maybe the sex thing should be the first wish, so if I made that the first wish, because it could all go boom tomorrow, then what do you got, y'know? No, no, the kids, the kids singing would be great, that would be nice. But wait a minute, who am I kidding? They're not going to be able to get all those kids together. I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible, more trouble than it's worth! 

So -- we reorganize! Here we go. First, the sex thing. We go with that. Second, the money. No, we got with the power second, then the money. And then the kids. Oh wait, oh jeez, I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay, I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in hell! That would be my fourth wish. 

And, of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace. Thank you everybody and Merry Christmas.

Hold on a minute... I've just been handed a note from my wife: "Hey Jerkface... you have to buy a ticket before you can win the lottery."

"Honey... Oh honey... you forgot to put a smiley-face on the bottom of your note like you always do."

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