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Monday, September 3, 2012

Ever have one of those days when... ?

Joe Btfsplk by Al Capp
     ... you know, you learn lots of really interesting stuff but have no good use for any of it? It's kind of like being lost but making good time. I have days like that all the time. For example:

     I know how to spell the winning word in the latest  U.S. National Spelling Bee... g-u-e-t-a-p-e-n-s... guetapens! I even know what it means: ambush. (It's French, of course. They have a different word for everything.) Then I use it in a sentence during a very important cocktail party conversation: ... and the cattle rustlers took the short cut, just as the sheriff and posse thought they would, and they rode right into a guetapens.
          Sacre bleau! Hey, where did everybody go?

See what I mean?

     Just learned that our Milky Way galaxy and its evil arch-galaxy, Andromeda, are on course for a head-on collision... at 250,000 miles-per-hour! KABOOM!!! I alert my family and friends: WATCH OUT! DUCK! It's really going to be big! Hide in the closet... under the bed... right now! It could be the end of the world! It is inevitable!
     It will happen in... oh, 4 billion years. Excuse me.

     Do you know that, for the last few weeks, the top three best selling books everyone is reading are Fifty Shades of Gray, Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed? 
     Oh, sorry Sister Mary Margaret Joseph, I thought you loved to read.

     Have you heard that a 12-by-23 foot garage on New York's Upper East Side is Manhattan's first million-dollar parking space? 
     Look, I know you only asked for a handout to feed your hungry family... I just thought you might find that amusingly interesting.

      I just learned of  the two guys who were tossed overboard by a big Atlantic Ocean wave in 2008. They made it safely to the Nantucket shore but efforts to find their 26-foot fishing boat were unsuccessful. Thinking perhaps it sunk, they were surprised when it turned up... FOUR YEARS LATER, adrift off the coast of Spain with its motor, seat cushions and everything else still intact. 
     So have they found Amelia Earhart yet?

     Now that we have our most sophisticated exploration vehicle ever, "Curiosity," on the surface of Mars, some creatively imaginative types on earth feel we should explore the very life-like images of "a half-feline, half-human face" and "a parrot" on the Martian surface. We will discover, they say, that not only was there life on Mars but it was a very creative life at that. Says one critic, " I know art when I see it." Really? Really! 
      No, I can't make out the man in the moon but I did see the cow! Honest.


      I just read of a new study that says attractive people do better, earn more money and develop greater skill than their less attractive counterparts, despite similar backgrounds. This, says one expert, correlates with what other research calls 'the accumulation of human capital'... the psychological jargon for success.
     That's hard for you to believe, you say?
 
      Did you know that a Loyola University research team recently found that people who eat organic food are, on the whole, more likely to be jerks? 
      No, I didn't realize that you are  a vegetarian... and would you mind moving your shopping cart off my toe?

     Now do you see what I mean? 
     Sorry, didn't realize you were blind.

  

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