Klutzes of the world, UNTIE! Er, I mean unite.

My klutz heroes, Laurel and Hardy

Klutz: A clumsy, awkward person.

The Japanese seem to have a remedy in their concept of Ikkai ichi douse... doing one thing at a time. In Tokyo, eating and walking is a faux pas. For me it is walking and chewing gum. Simplicity of life is its goal... and that's not a bad thing.

Speaking from my well earned handyman experience, I know that if I tackle a project, the fast way is the slowest and the slow way is always the surest and fastest.

I once found my wife's engagement ring that had inadvertently fallen down the bathroom sink drain. How could that happen, you ask? Well, it was a very small diamond. But like a good husband, after calming and assuring her, that it would be OK because I (yes me) will simply disassemble the plumbing and save the day... and her diamond ring.

Se gave me a robust and sincere hug and kiss, as I was, in fact, her hero, her knight in shining armor.

And I did... in slightly less than all afternoon of sweat and cuss-filled hours.

After I reassembled the sink and cleaned up the mess of water, clogged hair and guck on the floor, I picked up my enormous array of tools, extra nuts and bolts, hammer (you gotta have a hammer) and dirty rags I called her in to marvel at my vast handy-man talent... and to kiss her besmudged, sweaty hero after present the missing enormous 1/8th carat ring.

The she asked quite innocently, "Why are your knuckles bleeding and what is this silver bracelet-like thing over here in the corner?"

"Oh, that?" I answered incredulously, "it's just an extra part. We didn't need it."

Then she had the nerve to test the sink and fawcet.

"Is it supposed to leak like a sieve," she asked., not without a hint of doubt.

"I'm pretty sure that will go away when we use the sink for a while."

My entirely understandable omission was fixed in just the rest of the day. I finally wrapped up at around 1 a.m. No kiss, no nothing but a steadily breathing wife who had already been asleep for two hours.

I can usually fix any car if I can figure out how to raise the hood and find the master "on-off" switch. I even changed my car's oil once (only once) and almost had it right, except that I forgot to put screw the drain cap back on before I poured in the new oil. I did notice something amiss when my feet started to slip on the pavement beneath the car. Fresh oil will do that to you.

I'm the guy who only reads instructions after I've put together a Christmas bike with the handle bars on backwards or puts regular gasoline in a diesel car (but luckily realizes the mistake before the 1/2 gallon mark and recovers from a major expense).

Now I'm going to share a story that makes me cry every time I read it. It is "THE DAY I FIXED SOMETHING!" Share my humble joy of man vs machine... with man (me) victorious. Wrote this 11 years ago... one of my rare fixer hero stuff!

The day I fixed something

We all remember where we were when we heard first reports on 9/11. We remember our first kiss, the moment we proposed to our spouse, the birth of our children, everything special to us... we remember. Well, chalk up another for me.

I will always remember today... the day I fixed something. No, I really did. Honest.

I've been known to be... er, a little unmechanical. I know there is something under that hood in front of the car but I'll be darned if I know what it is. I think it is a big on/off switch that makes the car go, or something like that. I have the perfect tool when an appliance breaks. It is called a telephone.

Sure, I'm handy with my more conventional tools. I do own two of them... a screwdriver that has a reversible tip so I have can do two kinds of screws, a straight one and one that looks like an asterisk... and a squeezer-thing that also serves as my nail pounder. I have a friend who has over 1,000 tools. Are there really 1,000 things to do with them?

But today... ah, today, I am a fixer person. When I checked out our small RV for an upcoming trip, I noted that the outlets did not work... or at least, when I plugged something in, it did not go. So I called the RV factory and reported this. The guy there, thinking I was someone of fixer talent, told me to check the circuit breaker. "The WHAT?" He directed me to a picture in our manual. See? That's what it looked like. I didn't know what it did... however, that didn't matter.

The problem was, he told me after having me perform a few tests (is standing on one's head with a finger in one's ear a regular circuit breaker test or not?), the circuit breaker was broken... it didn't break circuits. I guess it is not broken if it breaks other things. (I'm thinking, who's kidding who?) So he told me how to take it out and where to go buy a new one for only $38 dollars. Now I know it's a joke... but I did it anyhow.

Then, AFTER TURNING OFF THE POWER, he warned me... guess he didn't want an electrocution on his conscience... pull the old one out and put the new one in... being extra cautious to connect all the wires on the new one just like they were on the old one, even though sorting out a plate of spaghetti would have been easier.

Skeptically, I did this, thinking they are all having a good laugh at the RV factory. It took only seven hours... then I turned the power on again and plugged the toaster in. IT WORKED! I DID IT! I FIXED IT ALL BY MYSELF... with his insignificant help, of course.

When I ran home to tell my wife, she was justifiably proud of me... but said she really didn't want all that toast.

My fixer confidence is at an all-time high. So for my birthday, I want 998 more tools and a tool belt to hold them all, just in case I need to have them with me. I want safety goggles and steel toed shoes. I want a real worker-man's hard hat and a plaid shirt and jeans that show the crack of my butt when I bend over. I guess you could say I am hooked now that I know how easy this stuff is.

Note to other fixer-guys... your secret is out. What you do is nothing, do you hear...NOTHING. Next time something breaks, give me a call... I will be driving the truck that says on its side, Jerry, The Home Repair Guy... no job too big or small. And when I bend over, watch out... I'm smokin'.