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Saturday, February 5, 2011

Gone missing! Is this one of those British things?

Not too long ago, when a person or thing was not where it should be or couldn't be found, he/she/it was missing. He/she/it didn't just 'git up and go a-missin' (my new and more colorful way of saying missing)... he/she/it was just -- missing. I read where someone's jewelry 'went missing.' Sounds like the jewelry was complicit in the act. Even the definitive New York Times does it as do all of the network news anchors. 

It is British, of course. Those Brits got even with us for that Revolutionary War thing. They tricked us into using their language.



Next thing you know, it won't even be proper to say, "'So he goes, 'Hello.' Then I go, 'Hi yourself, stranger.' " Hmmm. There goes all the killer pick-up lines.

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

Now don't get the idea that it matters not... er, doesn't matter. Speaking English is a genuine health hazard.

Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

LOGICAL CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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