There is this woman, says a reporter, "who has so much natural gas in her water supply that she can turn on a faucet, flick a lighter and watch flames shoot up from the sink (so she) tells authorities that she fears for her life. See," says the reporter, "this is the problem with Americans today. All they do is whine, whine, whine. Even more egregious is that the woman is being billed for several cubic feet of natural gas every time she brushes her teeth."
In a small Italian village near Naples, the mayor has decreed that, because his village has no cemetery--and is feuding with a neighboring village that does, it is against the law to die in Falciano del Massico. "Unfortunately," said the mayor, "two elderly citizens disobeyed." Put your troubled mind at ease, the city won't prosecute. Those law-breakers however, still have to answer to 'a Higher Power.' However, if this thing works, just think of the tourism implications. Take that Lourdes.
Today's puzzler: Tell me the 10-letter name that includes the letters zkzkwrys. No, it really is a name. Hint: the two missing letters are vowels... and the y does not go at the end. Another hint: be 'un'hooked on phonics. Final hint: the name is pronounced shashefski. Yep. Duke Basketball coach Mike Kryzewski is the one that even the best spell-checker programs always underline in red. Some call him "Coach K," even though the "K"sounds like a "shu." (Is that what they teach at Duke?) UNC and NCState fans, in their moments of disgust, refer to him as 'The Mole." I wonder where they get that?
Meanwhile, the mayor of Buford, Wyo. has decided to sell the town between Cheyenne and Laramie to the highest bidder. How do the Bufordians feel about that? Well, it is unanimously okay. The town only has a population of one... His Honor.
And finally, all it takes is a little gall and you can (try) to get away with anything:
- An accused murderer is suing the couple he held hostage while hiding in their home. He wants his victims to pay him $235,000. He says they breached their oral contract to stay put by escaping as he slept, "resulting in my being shot in the back by authorities."
- The two thieves who stole an Oregon man's car and later crashed it while driving drunk, are suing the owner. They say they wouldn't have been injured if they weren't driving his car. Well, they are right, you know.
- A New York City convict is asking $1 million from prison officials because they had no green jumpsuits to fit his size 7X, 400-pound body. Says he suffered emotional damage by spending eight months in jail wearing the same T-shirt and sweat pants--washed occasionally, I presume. Otherwise, give him the money.