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Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Who would you root for: Cheerleaders A or Cheerleaders B?


You know in your red-blooded American heart, you love the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. Made in America and all that stuff, right? And who doesn't love their football team... except for everybody who doesn't wear a 10-gallon hat and cowboy boots and has a heart big as the dang whole state of everlovin' Texas? So make your choice, but remember,  if you choose wrong, you may wind up rooting for the Bears... or worse, the Cubs.

Cheerleaders A?

Or Cheerleaders B?

Are you kidding me... technology has spoken and the only obvious choice is... Cheerleaders B, the made in Japan darlings that balance and move in sync on gyro-centric balls as they wave plastic pompons. They form circles and squares and giant hearts as they dance to Japan-pop music. (All true.) Makes you want to say "GO PATRIOTS!" or something.

And they are good, though short. The tallest "girl" is only 14 inches tall... as is the shortest. Their hair is specially coiffed of sponge-like material in the latest fashion and most important, as in the Miss America Pageant, they have back-ups in the wings just in case one stumbles and fractures a ball, or something.

Is this the end for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders? Loose heart NOT, America... I have the perfect plan to save this American chauvinist tradition. There is a football league that has gone cheerleader-less since its inception in 1947 that would pay many hundreds of Monopoly dollars for a squad of beauties to turn their hearts.


The Vibration Football League of America (VFL) all-stars have played a heartless game for almost 70 years where the only sound in the stadium is the constant whirring of the field as the players jockey for a score. These guys are so good they don't even use playbooks.

For half-time entertainment (which TV viewers can't see anyway because of the demand for advertising dollars) the bicycle-riding robots, Murata and his lovely robot-unicyclist friend Murata Girl (also true) will perform at every game.

PS: The rumor is out, Amazon founder and chief, Jeff Bezos, who recently purchased the Washington Post newspaper, is considering buying the Washington Redskins, changing the team nickname to the Pollywogs (pending approval by the Friends of Amphibians Assn.) and  using not only robot cheerleaders and half-time entertainment but all robot coaches. There will be no silly "hiding-your-mouth-with-a-program" on his team because robots don't move their lips. Aside: there are already great robot ventriloquists in disguise "killing" in Las Vegas. Score one already.

Why not robot players you may ask... because even robots know it is not a good idea to get hit in the head as a game. They may be robots but they have techno-brains and techno-common sense. 


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