A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants... and why not?

Premise for this post: With the coronavirus upon us all, the stock market in free-fall, global warming eating us from the inside out, the ugly, ugly political rhetoric and the total disrespect we are seeing among us, it is way past time for something a little lighter.

Remember the Mary Tyler Moore show?
It made us laugh for the seven years between 1970-'77.  (Look, it wasn't my fault you were born later!)

This scene, called by many as one of the best comedic sitcom moments ever, is of the memorial for a co-worker, Chuckles the Clown who, while dressed as a peanut, was killed by a hungry elephant.

If you have 4 1/2 minutes to feel richer, here is that scene.


"She (Mary Tyler Moore) only wanted to play a great character (Mary Richards) and she did," said The New York Times in her obituary. (She died at 80.) "That character also happened to be single, female, over 30, professional, independent and not particularly obsessed with getting married. Mary had America facing such issues as equal pay, birth control and sexual independence way back in the '70s." She won 4 of her 7 Emmys in that role. And she had the perfect supporting cast filling her newsroom.

From the Better Late than Never Department:

An aboriginal tribe with a cannibalistic background recently reached out with an apology to heirs of a man their ancestors had eaten in the late 1800s. (True.) They also promised that they would remove that recipe from their cookbook. (You do know I just made that last part up right?)

But in the end, what is funny to one very likely is not funny to everyone... one size does not fit all. But it's always worth a try.
HUMOR IQ TEST

Read these short paragraphs from an actual newspaper contest where entrants, age 4 to 15,  were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey, a former Saturday Night Live writer of years back and tell me you didn't laugh or smile more than once.

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than the four  basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. (Age 15)

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. (Age 13)

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. (Age 13)

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. (Age 6)

I once heard the voice of God. He said "Vroommm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. (Age l1)

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. (Age 15)

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the presidents' birthdays, like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3rd or December 26th, just for the long weekends. (Age 8)

Answer key: If you laughed or smiled at some of these, you probably passed and are "life-ready." If you didn't, then be an actuary. (Oops, sorry all my actuary friends, I meant be an accountant.)

You know, I want these kids in my world because if you can't see humor, it's a tougher life for you and those you touch.

As the real Jack Handey explains, "Maybe to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind: Basically, it's made up of two separate words, mank and ind. What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind."

Sometimes funny and real are hard to separate.

You are born into your life without choice. But if you are born in India, how you live your life is not yours to determine..

In India, you are born to be Brahmins where those are priests and teachers (Wow, teachers at the top!). Kshatriyas are warriors and rulers, Vaishyas are farmers, traders and merchants,  and Shoudras are labourers (sic).

Even lower than those castes, are the outcasts, the Dalits (called the untouchables) where you are born to clean toilets or sweep streets.  You will note that the Dalits box shown does not even connect to Brama, the Hindu God of creation who some believe originated the cast system.

That is your unchangeable life...where you will remain as long as you are on this earth.

Manusmriti, regarded as the most important and authoritative book on Hindu law dating back to 1,000 years or more before Christ was born, "acknowledges the caste system as a basis of order and regularity of society."

The four castes were then subdivided into about 3,000 castes and 25,000 sub-castes, each based on specific occupations. And the Dalits?

Jamal and friends

You may recall the movie Slum Dog Millionaire which enthralled us all and won the Best Picture Oscar in 2008. It was Jamal Malik, a Dalit/an untouchable, who rose against all of society to win 20 million rupees ($436,000 in U.S. dollars at the time), to the delight of his peers, the downtrodden and movie audiences around the world.

*So now I ask you, isn't this sounding a little uncomfortable, perhaps like how the United States seems to be stratifying, maybe somewhat like this?

• The top 1%, the well off who want for nothing. They wait in no lines, fly anywhere in private aircraft or certainly first class if they are 'the poor rich', do not collect coupons to save $2, see whatever doctors or professionals whenever they need to, own multiple million dollar homes all over the world, borrow incredible amounts of money on their name only, pay modest taxes (if any) for their wealth at a rate lower than almost everyone else and have influence only money can buy.
• The fairly well off are certainly not hurting but close to the top 1% because while lacking just few things, they easily get by with just a servant or two, merely one or two homes and a few more perks.
  
• The middle class live in nice homes with  nice families, friends and lifestyles, have two cars and perhaps a motorcycle or RV with just enough frills to keep them level in the waters of life.
  
• The struggling to keep afloat may work two jobs or have been laid off and/or work for a lesser salary elsewhere, have a modest income with modest savings and perhaps a college loan to pay forever, have insufficient or no health care, clip coupons and stand in line, drive to vacation to see Aunt Milly or the National parks, watch cable television, go out to eat rarely or at McDonalds, play Monopoly and worry about tomorrow.
• The poor and homeless are the most forgotten in every respect. Their resilience is what keeps them going and sometimes that is not enough, there is no upward, bad things happen to them out of their control, no health insurance, food banks to survive, tomorrow is never a good surprise and they are mostly out of mind and out of sight to too many who see them as a nuisance or blight who thankfully do not live near "us."

*I arbitrarily made up the category groupings but, hopefully they convey the thought.

In a New York Times article, Is America on the Way to a Caste System? The evidence of this trend isn't merely anecdotal. The richest 1 % of Americans live nearly 15 years longer than the poorest 1% according to a study in the Journal of American Medical Association (JAMA). And that disparity is increasing.

"It's getting impossible to imagine that we're all in this together because the hard truth is we're not... If this continues unabated, we're done... You can't shred the norms of reciprocity that makes social cohesion possible and expect to have a functioning democracy. It's just not going to work."

Are we becoming something of a caste society? Here's a blog post I wrote three years ago, The Red Velvet Rope of Life, that is as just as true today if not more-so. I just reread it and son-of-a-gun, it's pretty right on... and a little funny.

We are not India but we certainly are not the America we should be. If our country is a sinking ship, the well-off may get the life preservers but we will all still get wet... or worse.  So is it "I made it, I keep it"...aka trickle down or "help those who cannot help themselves, no matter how they may try?" Be careful. What you say may sound more socialistic than you think.

'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

  




"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," wrote Margaret Wolfe Hungerford in her 1878 book, Molly Bawn. And perhaps no quote has ever been so true. The book produced a song by The Dubliners that tells the strange tale. (See below.)

Now I don't want you to think this banana, duct taped to an art gallery wall, is just a banana. It certainly isn't. It is what we connoisseurs in the art world called BRILLIANT! And if you just 'don't see it,' then begone with you! We art types run deep in appreciation of brilliance and you, my friend, must love a grand 'sofa size' painting of a sunset that you might see at a 'starving artists' exhibition by the side of the road on a nice summer weekend.

The big difference is easily seen in the price one is willing to pay. The 'sofa size' painting of some starving artist might set you back $50 or so. This 'Banana Taped to the Wall' masterpiece called "Comedian" is one exhibit now by the renowned Italian artist, Muarisio Cattelans at ART Basel in Miami Beach for a bargain $120,000! Surprised you uncouth anti-art appreciator?

The artist is also known for his $6 million gold toilet which was sadly stolen from The Blenhiem Palace earlier last year by some thief who really had to go.

Sad ending to the "Comedian," it was eaten by a starving artist thus nixing the sale. True story... but somewhat of a stunt... or, the banana was spoiling. No charges were filed.

"Three studies.. "

But by how art is valued, that isn't much of an exaggeration considering this triptych "Three studies of Isabel Rawsthorne" by Francis Bacon that sold at Sothbey's auction for $17.4 million. It must have been well framed. 

Molly Bawn by  the Dubliners

Oh come all ye late fellows that follows the gun
Beware of night ramblin' by the setting of the sun
Beware of an accident as happened of late
It was Molly Bawn Leary and sad was her fate

She'd been gone to her uncle's when a storm it came on
She drew under a green bush the shower for to shun
With her white apron wrapped around her he took her for a swan
Took aim and alas it was his own Molly Bawn

Oh young Jimmy ran homeward with his gun and his dog
Sayin' uncle, oh uncle, I have shot Molly Bawn
I have killed that fair female, the joy of my life
For I'd always intended that she would be my wife

Oh young Jimmy Ranlon, do not run away
Stay in your own country till your trial it comes on
For you'll never be convicted of the shootin' of a swan

Well the night before Molly's funeral her ghost it did appear
Saying uncle, dearest uncle, let young Jimmy run clear
It being late of an evening when he took me for a swan
Took aim and alas he killed his own Molly Bawn

Now all the girls of this country they seem to be glad
Since the flower of Glen Ardagh, Molly Bawn she lies dead
Get all girls of this country, stand them into a row
Molly Bawn would shine above them like a fountain of snow

 

So now you know "the rest of the story.

Yoga... not Berra or Yoda, but Yoga, as in Tibet. *Namaste.

Tibetan singing bowl

So I'm recently into Yoga... and what took me so long? No, I do not expect to ever be lythe and smooth, I just don't bend in all those places, but I am finding a peaceful place to gently get the most out of my aging body and feel richer in doing so.

A Tibetan singing bowl sets the tone as it vibrates when struck or 'sounded' to produce a rich, bright, clear lasting tone. The soothing sound is said to promote healing relaxation and offer powerful healing properties. And if your mind is open, it does.

Singing bowls are used for many purposes including stress reduction and pain relief, harmonizing the cells and balancing the body's energy system... one way to say "Slow down, there is something good happening here." 

And, if you are so inclined to let it happen, a deep physical ease passes through your body as you inhale deeply through your nose and s-l-o-w-l-y exhale through your mouth, letting your shoulders sink as if a balloon inside you first expands and slowly deflates. It does induce a deep sense of relaxation and a clear headedness that takes you to a new contemplative level.

My daughter suggested, that as I sit in my car before I turn the key in the ignition, I stop and complete one or more deep breaths... slowly inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth. It is the perfect way to set your mood for one of our greatest regular stress events, driving. I highly recommend you try it and see for yourself what an extra 45 seconds or so can do for your inner self.

And as you finish your yoga session, you lie on your mat and totally relax your mind and body for a contemplated few minutes before the teacher bids you "Namaste." And you responding in kind

*Namaste literally means "I bow to the divine in you," a sign of peace spoken with a slight bow, hands pressed together, palms touching and fingers pointing upwards, thumbs close to the chest. It is a Sanskrit phrase of respect, typically used at the end of a yoga session by your teacher to say 'Goodbye." 

May I suggest Dan Harris' book Ten Percent Happier, a terrific intro to your inner world, the well-told hows and whys of mindfulness based on his disbelieving investigation as a newsman to a confirmed advocate who proved it works big time for him.

Is Scrooge McDuck the richest in the world or is it Mr. Burns or Jeff Bezos or Richie Rich or Bill Gates or Bruce Wayne or... ?

Funny you should ask. Latest count says the title goes to Scrooge McDuck. And in this era of believing everything we read, it is the fictional billionaires that give Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates a good run for their money.

Here's that eye-popping list compiled by MetaballsStudio of those who made their fortunes in books, movies, television and comic strips... and yes, it does include Christian Grey. It's no small wonder why Ana took great pains on the 'poor man' to help him work things out.

The Top 15... and bear in mind, Scrooge's fortune is in 1947 dollars and gold:

• Jay Gatsby: $1 billion (The Great Gatsby)
• Lady Mary Crawley: $1.1 billion (Downton Abbey)
• Mr. Monopoly: $1.2 billion (Board Game. He made his money in real estate)
• Lara Croft: $1.3 billion (Tomb Raider)
• Walden Schmidt: $1.3 billion (Two and a Half Men replacing Charlie Harper)
• C. Montgomery Burns: $1.5 billion (Homer Simpson's boss)
• Tywin Lannister: $1.8 billion (Game of Thrones)
• Christian Grey: $2.2 billion (50 Shades of Grey)
• Richie Rich: $5.8 billion ( 1953 comic book... world's richest kid)
• Bruce Wayne: $9.2 billion (Batman's alter ego)
• Charles Foster Kane: $11.2 billion (1941 Oscar winning movie. Do you know Rosebud?)
• Tony Stark: $12.4 billion (Iron Man's alter ego in Avengers movies)
• Carlisle Cullen: $46 billion (Vampire in The Twilight Series... his is blood money)
• Smaug: $54 billion (Fearsome dragon in The Hobbit. Proves any dragon can get rich.)
• Scrooge McDuck: $65.4 billion (Uncle of Donald and his nephews, Huey, Dewey and Louie)

Point of reference: Jeff Bezos used to be the world's richest at about $186 billion but his recent divorce took $760 billion or so putting his ex-wife in the chase, so those fictional billionaires still have some chasing to do. 

Now, a little more about real money from a blog post I wrote six years ago that is even truer today.

Money, Money, Money...

ABBA: Agnetha, Anni-Frid, Benny, Bjorg

Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man's world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In the rich man's world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It's a rich man's world


 ABBA had a ton of hits from the mid '70s to the late '90s. Its songs are the heart of the popular musical, Mama Mia. But perhaps no ABBA song has more relevance than its 1976 recording of  Money, Money, Money.

Maybe you've seen this story: 85 of the world's richest billionaires are as wealthy as the poorest 3.5 billion people in the world!

Forbes Magazine tells us there are l,426 billionaires in the world today. So minus the 85 super wealthiest, there are 1,341 'poorer' billionaires (not counting Scrooge McDuck or Richie Rich) on the outside looking in. How's it feel, you guys, to be poorer?

Bill & Melinda Gates with Warren Buffett

Now before you get the wrong idea, I really like the rich... and so should you. Even if, in our lesser status we are envious, make fun of them or notice a few may be jerks and worse, a world without rich couldn't work. I think that's been tried. Most rich have earned their fortunes by creating opportunities and providing services for others... and many are dramatically benevolent.

Not only have Bill and Melinda Gates and Warren Buffett already committed more than half of their billions through the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, they have gotten 102 other 'very rich' to sign The Giving Pledge agreeing to do likewise. And they continually work to recruit others like themselves. Take a look... the Giving Pledge makes very interesting reading. 

Bill Gates once said he and his wife plan to leave their children a very small  (but still not bad) inheritance of their mega billions with the remainder to be used for continuing benevolence. These actions represent just some of the good that money can do.

And no, they and all their pals cannot solve all the world's unbalance. They have done, and will continue to do great things for humankind. Yet, there remain many, many below the poverty line that struggle mightily. These include the new poor--"not only  those laid-off blue collar workers but also downsized tech workers, managers, lawyers and other once-comfortable professionals," says The Atlantic. "Poverty is not a character failing or a lack of motivation. Poverty is a shortage of money... (which) arises largely from inadequate wages."

It is ironic though, that professional athletes in many sports regularly sign million-dollar contracts and in most states, the highest paid state employee is a football or basketball coach, yet a teacher often cannot make a wage great enough to support a family. And no, it is not the athlete's or coach's fault to take what is there but our misguided judgement of value to benefit which has deep roots. Give the rich their due, but money cannot buy everything... and it certainly cannot buy poverty.

The fact is, the spread between rich and poor is widening and the middle class is 'middling' at best and fading fast. The greatest benefit of a robust... or any economy, goes to the wealthy as did the mega-majority of benefits from the Trump tax cuts. It's expensive to be poor because a far great percentage of all dollars goes to just trying to get by... and sometimes, even with help, that is not enough. Poverty is a hole without luxury, opportunity or an easy out.

I hope and pray that those with the power to move mountains get on this case. Trickle down doesn't really trickle too far or too fast, it seems.

RANT FOR TODAY: Just how safe are our school buses... and do we really care? You might be very surprised.

Can you make this out? It's a shot of a school bus with 28 students on board, hit and upended in Ohio. Watching the bus video of this accident is pretty violent as students are knocked out of their seats and upended against the sides and roof of the bus. Fortunately this time, there were only minor injuries for the students and driver.  

Only 6 states in the United States mandate seat belts for school buses: California, Florida, Louisiana, New Jersey, New York and Texas. There are 32 states and Puerto Rico who have been considering it since 2007 and 12 that act like they don't care.

However, if you try the 'no seat belt' thing in your car, you will get a ticket, no questions asked. In fact, seat belts are required in most every vehicle on the road... except school buses. Why? Seat belts save lives.

According to the American School Bus Council, "Every year, hundreds of thousands of school buses transport more than 25 million children to and from school. That number represents about 50 percent of the K-12 population."

"School buses travel approximately 5.7 billion miles annually and are designed to be safer than passenger vehicles in avoiding crashes and preventing injury. In fact, school buses are the safest mode of transportation for children to get to and from school. According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, on average only six student passengers die in school bus crashes each year, compared to approximately 2,000 children who are killed in motor vehicle crashes annually."

Yes, school buses are designed for safety. They are bigger, taller vehicles than most other non-truck vehicles. But those comparisons are far from 'apples to apples There are more cars on the road by far, driven more miles, often by less skilled drivers on all kinds of roads and highways, 24/7. The typical school year is about 200 days compared to 365 total days of the year, And the comparison contrasts only half of that bus-riding population vs. the total number of school age children.

And while even one death is a tragedy, the bus number, lower than I would have guessed, relates only to deaths, not a plethora (use that word in a sentence and get a prize) of other possible injuries such as broken bones, chipped or knocked-out teeth, whiplash, concussions, etc.

It's all about money and priorities. Seat belts do make school buses more costly, even to modify, with a need to justify 'the why' to local funding agencies and taxpayers. Less deaths is a biased justification.

Now comes my rant: I guess I'm just upset in general as to how we treat our teachers and students,  their education, their school lives and safety needs that are our responsibility. Few professions are as vital as teaching, no group more critical for it's needs than our students--our tomorrow. Our world is betting on this

In my state, North Carolina is ranked 39th in the Unites States in teacher pay, averaging $53,600. North Carolina's republican heavy congress proposed a 3.5 percent increase over two years. The democratic governor wants 9.1 percent over two years--both figures without a tax increase. We still do not have a current budget and are at an impasse. Meanwhile, the teachers--80 percent of them from counties that are below the state average--are restlessly, caught in political limbo and desperately waiting. The legislators' proposal includes nothing for teacher supplies, which are expected. The Governor's budget includes such funds additionally to the teachers' salary.

North Carolina mandates a balanced budget. It accepts no federal medical aid assistance for the Affordable Care Act. Both budget proposal meet state budget constraints. Yet, we can't seem to want to spend money for teachers and education, or accept Federal insurance aid these struggling just to get by.

Gladly, they don't make foam figures shouting "We're # 39th!"
Where would we get that many fingers?

So how are we doing as a country? The latest finding from the Pew Research Center have the U.S. in 38th place out of 71 countries when it comes to math scores and 24th place when it comes to science.

Perhaps the biggest surprise of that study is just how far the we have fallen in the international rankings. In 1990, the we were sixth in the world for its levels of education-- 21 spots ahead of where we are now.

Teachers need to be paid in step with their value to the education of our young people... and those students need an environment to learn that takes into account concerns, resources and opportunities.
Educators are not million dollar pro athletes... they are better than that. Educators should be our heroes... because they are. We just act like we don't believe it.

So that's my rambling rant for today. Tomorrow, laughs and candy, I promise.

Monopoly money is not chump change... but I'll tell you what is. "Danger, danger Will Robinson."

Monopoly is a fun (or not) board game that remains inflation-proof. Almost all of the Monopoly dollars are in ones, fives, tens and twenties... which today will buy you a small bag of groceries in some cases and not enough lottery tickets in every case. A fancy Monopoly hotel on Park Place is an outstanding value at a mere mere $200!

I seem to be king of Orient and Baltic Avenues... the Monopoly slums, thanks to my special dice throwing talent, honed by hours of practice and playing Bunco.

I'm also good at Go Directly to Jail, much to the delight of grandchildren. But I'm best at Income Tax and Luxury Tax. I usually end up owing everyone else. But hey, it's only Monopoly money, right?

Lucky I'm not the United States. (Oh, I am... and so are you.) By 2030, says the Congressional Budget Office, "the projected federal debt held by the public (us) will exceed $31 trillion, or about 98 percent of the forecast size of our economy." This fiscal year our debt will exceed $1 trillion--26% more than budgeted--and continue to do so for the foreseeable future.

Why, you may ask. Say the non political government overseers, "When the government cuts taxes and keeps spending money, it builds up debt. And the United States has become a  textbook example. Blame low interest rates, as well as Mr. Trump's 2017 tax cuts, and increased government spending."

Do you have any idea of how much $1 trillion is? It is $999 billion, 999 million, 999 thousand, 999 hundred, 99 dollars and 99 cents...plus a penny. Written it is $1,000,000,000,000... or, as I like to say, chump change.

It's chump change to us because we are the chumps allowing this to happen. It is us that pays the interest--estimated at $600 billion this fiscal year--which doesn't pay down a penny of the debt--and eventually, the whole banana is ours too. The interest due this year is comparable to our military budget which is larger than the military budgets of the next seven largest countries, dwarfing China, the second largest.

Amazing, isn't it?

The interest alone should be paying for a dramatically needed infrastructure repair and upgrade of our roads, bridges, the grid and all those needs we take for granted. It should be allowing us to get a serious jump on the life or death global warming catastrophe that is on us. It should go to every phase of education and preparation for a very current need and different future. It should allow for all, almost any health system that works across the board. It could (insert your own pet project here).

As the richest and most blessed country in the world, we should do better for everyone... much more than just the very wealthy. So trickle down, you guys if that's how it's supposed to work. Good luck with that.

The biggest reason for the jump in deficit spending this year and continuing are the 2017 tax cuts that were promised "to pay for themselves." In this very first full year, tax payments have fallen $400 billion short of projections. More than that, federal government spending is growing twice as fast as its revenues.

Almost every serious economist agrees that the growing deficit is unsustainable.

Regarding the highly touted tax cuts, the average American benefit is estimated at a very modest $1,000/year, which may help keep abreast with inflation but hardly anything else.  But for the  billionaires, it works DRAMATICALLY better. The gap between US and THEM is wider than it has
ever been and broadening every year.  One of the richest men in the world, Warren Buffet, noted a few years back that he pays less taxes as a percentage of his income than does his secretary.

Is that how this whole thing should be going down? If so, then, like the Titanic, we all go down--the rich and poor--with the few scragglers left in a 'survival of the fittest' mode. 

Er, excuse me now, it's my turn in Monopoly and my kids, who I love dearly, are beating the pants off me. Thankfully, this is not real life... or is it?

Ed. note: In our 2016 elections, CNN's recap showed only 57 % of us that believed voting was important.

• Clinton received 65,853,516 votes. 
• Trump received 62,984.825. 
• Nobody:120,000,000 +/- did not vote. 

With our lives, our children's lives, our health, our economy, our world on the line, surely we can...we must do better in 2020. We don't have much time left... and I don't mean time before elections, I mean time before we start falling off the non recoverable edge, if we are not already there.

Anyone who chooses not to vote for any reason,  casts a ballot for their least desirable/most disliked candidate. That's like staying on board the Titanic because your side is not sinking.

Klutzes of the world, UNTIE! Er, I mean unite.

My klutz heroes, Laurel and Hardy

Klutz: A clumsy, awkward person.

The Japanese seem to have a remedy in their concept of Ikkai ichi douse... doing one thing at a time. In Tokyo, eating and walking is a faux pas. For me it is walking and chewing gum. Simplicity of life is its goal... and that's not a bad thing.

Speaking from my well earned handyman experience, I know that if I tackle a project, the fast way is the slowest and the slow way is always the surest and fastest.

I once found my wife's engagement ring that had inadvertently fallen down the bathroom sink drain. How could that happen, you ask? Well, it was a very small diamond. But like a good husband, after calming and assuring her, that it would be OK because I (yes me) will simply disassemble the plumbing and save the day... and her diamond ring.

Se gave me a robust and sincere hug and kiss, as I was, in fact, her hero, her knight in shining armor.

And I did... in slightly less than all afternoon of sweat and cuss-filled hours.

After I reassembled the sink and cleaned up the mess of water, clogged hair and guck on the floor, I picked up my enormous array of tools, extra nuts and bolts, hammer (you gotta have a hammer) and dirty rags I called her in to marvel at my vast handy-man talent... and to kiss her besmudged, sweaty hero after present the missing enormous 1/8th carat ring.

The she asked quite innocently, "Why are your knuckles bleeding and what is this silver bracelet-like thing over here in the corner?"

"Oh, that?" I answered incredulously, "it's just an extra part. We didn't need it."

Then she had the nerve to test the sink and fawcet.

"Is it supposed to leak like a sieve," she asked., not without a hint of doubt.

"I'm pretty sure that will go away when we use the sink for a while."

My entirely understandable omission was fixed in just the rest of the day. I finally wrapped up at around 1 a.m. No kiss, no nothing but a steadily breathing wife who had already been asleep for two hours.

I can usually fix any car if I can figure out how to raise the hood and find the master "on-off" switch. I even changed my car's oil once (only once) and almost had it right, except that I forgot to put screw the drain cap back on before I poured in the new oil. I did notice something amiss when my feet started to slip on the pavement beneath the car. Fresh oil will do that to you.

I'm the guy who only reads instructions after I've put together a Christmas bike with the handle bars on backwards or puts regular gasoline in a diesel car (but luckily realizes the mistake before the 1/2 gallon mark and recovers from a major expense).

Now I'm going to share a story that makes me cry every time I read it. It is "THE DAY I FIXED SOMETHING!" Share my humble joy of man vs machine... with man (me) victorious. Wrote this 11 years ago... one of my rare fixer hero stuff!

The day I fixed something

We all remember where we were when we heard first reports on 9/11. We remember our first kiss, the moment we proposed to our spouse, the birth of our children, everything special to us... we remember. Well, chalk up another for me.

I will always remember today... the day I fixed something. No, I really did. Honest.

I've been known to be... er, a little unmechanical. I know there is something under that hood in front of the car but I'll be darned if I know what it is. I think it is a big on/off switch that makes the car go, or something like that. I have the perfect tool when an appliance breaks. It is called a telephone.

Sure, I'm handy with my more conventional tools. I do own two of them... a screwdriver that has a reversible tip so I have can do two kinds of screws, a straight one and one that looks like an asterisk... and a squeezer-thing that also serves as my nail pounder. I have a friend who has over 1,000 tools. Are there really 1,000 things to do with them?

But today... ah, today, I am a fixer person. When I checked out our small RV for an upcoming trip, I noted that the outlets did not work... or at least, when I plugged something in, it did not go. So I called the RV factory and reported this. The guy there, thinking I was someone of fixer talent, told me to check the circuit breaker. "The WHAT?" He directed me to a picture in our manual. See? That's what it looked like. I didn't know what it did... however, that didn't matter.

The problem was, he told me after having me perform a few tests (is standing on one's head with a finger in one's ear a regular circuit breaker test or not?), the circuit breaker was broken... it didn't break circuits. I guess it is not broken if it breaks other things. (I'm thinking, who's kidding who?) So he told me how to take it out and where to go buy a new one for only $38 dollars. Now I know it's a joke... but I did it anyhow.

Then, AFTER TURNING OFF THE POWER, he warned me... guess he didn't want an electrocution on his conscience... pull the old one out and put the new one in... being extra cautious to connect all the wires on the new one just like they were on the old one, even though sorting out a plate of spaghetti would have been easier.

Skeptically, I did this, thinking they are all having a good laugh at the RV factory. It took only seven hours... then I turned the power on again and plugged the toaster in. IT WORKED! I DID IT! I FIXED IT ALL BY MYSELF... with his insignificant help, of course.

When I ran home to tell my wife, she was justifiably proud of me... but said she really didn't want all that toast.

My fixer confidence is at an all-time high. So for my birthday, I want 998 more tools and a tool belt to hold them all, just in case I need to have them with me. I want safety goggles and steel toed shoes. I want a real worker-man's hard hat and a plaid shirt and jeans that show the crack of my butt when I bend over. I guess you could say I am hooked now that I know how easy this stuff is.

Note to other fixer-guys... your secret is out. What you do is nothing, do you hear...NOTHING. Next time something breaks, give me a call... I will be driving the truck that says on its side, Jerry, The Home Repair Guy... no job too big or small. And when I bend over, watch out... I'm smokin'.

Does everyone cheat? What about Squeaky? (Read on for the dirty details at the end.)

The Houston Astros cheated so the team's General Manager and Manager were barred from baseball for one year and subsequently fired. Also barred and fired were three who had moved to other teams but were involved in the cheating scandal.

While baseball does allow base stealing and 'reading' the other teams signs by individual human observance, this effort used barred high tech components to exploit sign stealing of every pitch with great accuracy.., then ironically, using a technique that probably goes back millions of years-- a cave man banging on a resonating surface (i.e. trash can)-- to send a signal to the batter.

Every member, it would seem, of the Houston team was complicit, even if not in agreement. So the team cheated and won the World Series in 2019 with five taking the fall. How do you think all involved had to explain this to their families, their children, their fans when everyone knew.

In Atlanta, the Georgia Department of Public Safety fired 30 state troopers because they all cheated in an on-line exam for the speed detection component required to graduate from trooper school. The class officially became Troopers last August. Of the 33 total number in that class, one quit, one was fired and one is on military leave.

"Every single one of them ended up admitting to cheating and the means by which they cheated," said Public Safety Commissioner Col. Mark McDonough. "It's a punch in the gut. This goes to our very core values."

Subsequently, every traffic ticket issued by any of these individuals was cancelled as an action that demonstrated the value of trust that was broken.

Here is my personal heartbreak of a hero fallen. And yes, I took it very hard.

Lucky Number

Squeaky #23

It all started when I was five. Dad had season basketball tickets and I got to see my all-time favorite player, Number 23, of course, known to everyone as ‘Squeaky.’ He was only 5’8” but he moved through all those bigger bodies on the court like a mouse running through a tea party. “Squeaky”… get it?

Loved him to death but he broke my heart, that bastard! Shaved points… for fifty bucks! Of course, in those days, $50 was like, uh, $60… the schmuck!

So I lived through it… wasn’t easy, but I did. Despite knowing how I should

#23 in action

feel about a fallen star, Squeaky stayed in my heart. Now this was before steroids and performance enhancing drugs. If Squeaky did that today on such a small scale, it might even get lost amidst all this other crap. In fact maybe he would be carried off the court on fans’ shoulders… “Hey, look at that… an 80-year-old that dribbles.”

Heros die hard to a kid.
“Say it ain’t so, Squeaky.

PS: He really was incredible. At 5'8 Eugene 'Squeaky' Melchoirre was an All American for two years and the first overall draft choice of  the NBA Baltimore Bullets. With him, Bradley was the No. 1 rated team in the nation off and on over two years and in 1950-51, lead the Braves to both the NIT and NCAA basketball tournament finals, (playing in both was allowed then and the biggest tournament was the NIT. Both finals were in Madison Square Garden where visiting teams rarely won when playing local favorites) finishing 2nd both times to City College of New York (CCNY). That was where the big time gamblers were busy coercing poorer players that "point shaving wasn't trowing a game and hey, you ain't getting nothing for your efforts and the school is getting rich' took place, banning him and 5 other CCNY players from organized basketball for life. 

Squeaky was so good that when Bradley, then ranked #2 nationally, went to play Adolph Rupp's #1 Kentucky team that year, he fouled out the Blue Demon's famous front line, 6'7, 6'8 and 6'10 players, to win the game of the year.

Sadly, cheating spelled the end of Squeaky's basketball career, but he went forward, accepting his very bad decision, to be a beloved and outstanding citizen, father and grandfather. He died in his home near Chicago this past year at age 92.

I confess, his fire still burns within me for all that he was when I was watching and all that he ultimately turned out to be in redemption.

Nobody likes a cheater... but sometimes, thank goodness, the soul plays a good trick and mends the heart, Some cheaters can redeem and regain trust over time. Life isn't lived in a day, thank goodness.

How many is 6 million?

In honor and remembrance on Holocaust Day, Monday, January 27, 2020: Lest we forget..

If you wrote one 3-letter word in type so small that it takes a good magnifying glass to read it... and you printed that word, again and again, in a book large enough to fill a coffee-table, with each word butted against the other, border to border, six-million times, the book would be 1,250 pages thick and almost illegible.

That book is titled And Every Single One was Someone. Its only word is "Jew."

Each word represents one Jew killed during the Holocaust... one human being who breathed, worked, loved and lived. It's new, available at Amazon and elsewhere.

There is a much larger book at the Holocaust memorial and museum in Washington D.C. simply titled Book of Names. It is 6 1/2 feet tall, 46 feet in circumference. In it are the documented identities of 4.3 million of the those victims. 

      What exactly was the difference? he wondered to himself. And who decided which people 
     wore the striped pajamas and which people wore the uniforms?”
     ― John Boyne, The Boy in the Striped Pajamas 

In Peoria, Illinois, there is an outdoor Holocaust memorial of 18 Star of David shaped glass columns filled with 11-million buttons that represent six-million Jews and five-million  “enemies of the state” who were murdered--political and religious leaders, Roman gypsies, Serbians, Catholics, homosexuals, Jehovah’s Witnesses, the trade unionists, alcoholics and the handicapped. Each targeted group wore a different colored triangle to identify their “enemy” status. The columns, filled with buttons from different parts of the world, are wrapped in yellow ribbon labeled "No Hate Zone."
  
     Monsters exist, but they are too few in numbers to be truly dangerous. More dangerous 
     are… the functionaries ready to believe and act without asking questions. 
     ― Primo Levi

 I wrote this six years ago and it will always be relevant. 

Two galaxies collide! Earth is doomed!... oh, never mind.

That's the Andromeda Galaxy (left) colliding with us, The Milky Way galaxy (right)

This is a Hubble Space telescope depiction of our Milky Way galaxy--with some 300 billion stars--colliding with the 1 trillion star Andromeda Galaxy (galaxies not shown actual size) in just 4.5 years... er, I mean 4.5 BILLION years, moving towards each other at 68 miles per second!  So let this be a warning to all of us... WATCH OUT!

Yes, this will actually happen. But aside from the almost unbelievable numbers of stars and space, here's an even more incredible fact: As the 1 trillion-star galaxy passes through our 300 billion-star galaxy, the long odds are that not one star will even come close to a collision with any other. 

Space is so vast that if our sun was the size of a ping pong ball, the nearest solar object would be the size of a pea 689 miles distant. The pass-through speed of the galaxies would be a not too shabby 100 billion miles-per-hour.

In our observable universe, cosmologists are certain there are at least 2 trillion universes consisting of trillions and trillions of stars and our universe is expanding at an enormous rate beyond any known number. 

So how did all this happen. Was it always there, limitless and growing?  And who are we in the grand scheme? 

Our Milky Way galaxy is only average in size compared to the trillions of others. And we think WE are the intelligent life in our universe. What nerve!

This is an actual photo of our Earth and Moon, taken by a satellite we launched, from a mere 71 million miles away. NO, NOT THE BIG WHITE ROUND THING IN THE UPPER RIGHT CORNER, and not even that little teensy dot near the lower left... but the even tinier dot almost lost near the tiny dot, if you can see it. That's us. The bigger tiny dot (oxymoron alert) is our sun!

And if you want to read how really small we are in fiction, take a look at this Horton Hears a Who by Dr. Seuss. It helps put things in perspective.

Will we ever learn that we control nothing but ourselves and often, not even that.

 

Just set another personal best!

Cute, record-setting me

I woke up this morning and realized that this is the oldest I have ever been, a personal best!

At the stroke of midnight January 1st, I entered my 10th decade of life. Count 'em... the '30s. '40s. 50's, 60's. 70's, 80's, 90's, '00s, 10's and '20s! Being born late in the decade helps but it is up to me to remember... breathe in, breath out, again and again. So far, so good.

That also puts me on track as I move one step closer to

116-year-old Tane Tanaka

infinity. For the record, today's oldest, Kane Tanaka in Japan, is 116 years, 6 months and still looking good.

To put that into perspective, She was born when the Wright brothers flew for the first time ever. So she has been around for the first and every moon landing, cell phones, indoor plumbing, television, twitter and beyond. Watch out Methuselah! 

The verified oldest lived is a French lady, Jeanne Calment, who exited in 1997 at 122 years, 164 days.

 I don't know how to rank Benjamin Button who died after a long life, at zero.

Then there is Henrietta Lacks whose cells will live forever. Really.

But that's not all... and I promise you, this is truly happening now... Silicon Valley billionaires believe they have, with the help of lots of money, science and "the God molecule," found a way to live into the 150s and more. 

And the reward for living forever... well, in an episode of Rod Serling's popular The Twilight Zone scifi TV series in the late '50s and early 60's, the main character, an average man, found a magic lamp which, when rubbed, gave him one wish. He wished for immortality. The very next day he was arrested and found guilty for a murder he did not commit. He was sentenced to life in prison.

History (and God) has a way of dealing with people who think they can beat the system.

It all kinda puts things into a different take on for ever and ever (Amen.) But is that much different than the bottomless cup of coffee some restaurants offer, or Olive Garden's endless bread sticks? Well, yes silly, it is.

In the end, the greatest satisfaction the oldest person must have is the complete absence of peer pressure.