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Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Got time for a little bit of this and a little bit of that?

First it was ESPN, then it was ESPN2, and now the NFL has its channel as does NASCAR. So what's next? How about the Professional Alligator Wrestling Channel... All alligator wrestlin' all the time. I think they are on to something here.

Actually, the pro alligator wrestlers have taken the first step by forming the Free-style Alligator Wrestling Competitions (FAWC for all you acronymites out there) which will hold annual meets and promote the activity as a legitimate sport. This is for real.

Alligator wrestling is a lot harder than it looks, say the pros.  (Actually, it looks pretty hard to me already.) James Holt is 6' 1' and weighs in at 350 lbs but says size does not give him an advantage. Mental acuteness does. "The hardest part is making sure you're in the right frame of mind. You gotta be in the moment... that alligator is a lot stronger than I am."

Pro Jimmy Riffle offers this tip: "Number one rule... you cannot be afraid to get bit." (That kinda leaves me out.)

Austin Billie learned how to wrestle alligators two years ago and says the most important lesson is "know your limits. Wrestlers are trained to be vigilant of the gator's 'areas of danger,' which is (sic) pretty much anywhere near its mouth." Actually, that would be my guess too.

So now that you are all rev'd up, go to Google and find the alligator wrestling school nearest you. Get in on the ground floor and you could be a household name in no time at all.

"All I know is that Fred Barnstable is a household name around here," says Al Alligator. "He was just delicious. The missus and I talk about him all the time." See what I mean? I just hope it's not fake like 'you-know-what.'

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Since alligator wrestling really doesn't pay all that much according to the pros, there are a few other options as we examine some of the worst jobs in science as identified by Popular Science Magazine.

Armpit detective: Researchers actually study armpits to try to "isolate the compounds that give us our unique aroma." And yes, someone has to smell... in the name of science, of course.

Feces piper: This facilitator is absolutely vital in a "fecal transplant" (for real!) which involves feeding healthy feces into someone infected with the C. difficile bacteria. This somewhat controversial procedure is done in a few hospitals. And it also sounds like a disease that Doctors Larry, Curly and Moe used to treat all the time.


Sneeze modeler: When a sneeze or spittle from a cough lands on the face of 'the modeler,' it is studied in hopes of finding the areas of the body most susceptible to the flu virus. And a big "AHH-CHOO!" to you too.

Bad-dance observer, dung curator, oceanic-snot diver, doomsday fact-checker, bean counter (not the CPA kind), tissue-reaper and multispecies baby tickler round out the top 10. These are real occupations, folks. A healthy imagination might give you a hint as to the job specs. So polish those resumes and you could be in line for a Nobel Prize if all goes well.  

Oh, as an afterthought, before you laugh these off, you may want to consider that this research was probably funded by a government grant... and you paid for it!

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Happy story with a winner: Jessica Silverman was walking past the Hilton New York Hotel in Manhattan recently when a person in the booth promoting an insurance company asked her to guess how many jellybeans were in their jar. Without breaking step lest she set herself up for a sales pitch, she said 7,954... and guess what? She was exactly correct and took home  $25,000. I love stories like that.

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Sad story with a looser: In Baltimore, a cult leader and two 'assistant cult leaders' were convicted of second-degree murder for starving a 1-year-old boy because he did not say "Amen" during a prayer. I hate stories like that.

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Story that is just plain stupid: Another New York woman and her husband have filed separate lawsuits against a Manhattan wig store. The woman claims a mannequin head fell on her foot inflicting permanent nerve damage. The husband claims that injury has ruined their sex life because his wife can no longer curl her toes. Sounds a little kinky to me.

Is it Nuts Out There or is it just me?

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