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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I am so grateful that I 'do-nut' live in the U.K.

Havoc has struck more than half of the adult British population!

I do so love the country. The people are friendly and the culture is wonderful. The Queen is charming (and isn't Prince Harry just a dream boat?)... I even understand the language... somewhat. But one has to face the facts. You see, it just isn't safe.

About 25 million of our brothers and sisters across the sea have been injured--500 of them seriously enough to land in hospitals. The 'epidemic' that struck them down was not the Asian flu or the N1H1 virus... no, those can be treated and we can be inoculated to protect ourselves. But sadly, there is no protection for Brits when it comes to wafers, shortbread, chocolate fingers and the like.

Seemingly oblivious to the danger of biscuits, YES, BISCUITS, or with a daring-do that says "to hell with danger" (isn't that so just like them?) they just keep nibbling, dunking and passionately devouring these 'objects of danger.' So far, thank God, there have been no reported fatalities and to date and none of the  'misfortunes' have been tied to terrorist plots, but something of this magnitude that could create chaos among the people can not, nor should not be ignored.

London's Daily Telegraph reported the horrible news and Brits, always ready to 'bear-up,' seemed to take it in stride. But facts are facts. The British propensity to tea and biscuits continues to take its toll. In a survey commissioned by Rocky, a chocolate biscuit bar maker, the ugly danger was greater than anyone could imagine.... 25 million U.K. countrymen (and women) barely escaped with their lives!

The dangers are many: flying cookie fragments, burned fingers while dunking in scalding tea, poking oneself in the eye with a biscuit or falling off a chair when reaching for the tin. Some were gagged by too big a bite and some were bitten by a pet or "other wild animal" trying to get their biscuit. Others broke a tooth or lost a filling.

Then there is the one unfortunate man who got stuck in wet cement after wading in to pick up a fallen biscuit... and to the best of my knowledge, is still there, lodged tight, with a concrete biscuit in his hand... held prisoner for time everlasting. At least his family can come visit him over the next few months to bring meager crumbs and droplets of water to make their peace and say their good-byes. But the sad day will eventually come when friendly pigeons will loose their 'almost human' perch. The bright spot, however, is that when the end does come to this poor, stuck, biscuit-loving gentleman, he can be forever memorialized with just a dab or two of additional wet cement to finish the 'statue' in honor of the most famous 'British Biscuiteer' of them all. And, as they say in the U.K., a hard man is good to find.

If you happen to be in Britain, be wary of 'the biscuit.' And especially, watch out for the Custard Cream which has caused most of the injuries. Go instead for the Jaffa Cakes which have been shown to be five-times safer (really). Caramel Shortcake and Ginger Nuts are also a less-risky taste. And only dip when you are wearing asbestos gloves, goggles and, for good measure, a hard hat. Just remember, be safe and above all, avoid 'cement overshoes.'

PS: This is all true... and I think I am beginning to understand why, in 1776, we prevailed.

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