Grouch Marx once observed, "Time flies like a bullet... fruit flies like a banana."

... but of course, that was Groucho.  He also said, "I refuse to join any club that will have me as a member." He prophetically told us, "I intend to live forever... or die trying," which he did.

About how time flies though, doesn't it? How long is a minute? Does your week ever fly by? Ever watch a flower grow in a slow motion documentary... or a dog lapping water by curling the tongue under as it scoops? (Check it out on YouTube.) It's really neat how events happen so fast that our brain can't capture them... or so slow that they seem to go on forever.

"Honey... I'll be ready to go in a minute."

"Is it our anniversary again?" Slap!

"Can dinner wait just a sec., hon, there is only a minute left in the football game? "

"Is it Sunday night already?"

Funny thing about time... it never seems to be what it is. It is either too slow... or too fast. Never just right. That's why time in the dentist's chair seems like it will never end, but time doing something fun is over before you know it.

I used to drive my kids 15 miles to school on some days.  When I was running late, I sped (not really officer) the back roads and could make it in 18-20 minutes. When we left early and had time to spare, I drove the same route, leisurely enjoying the scenery and conversation, at a much less-nervous pace. I usually made it in... 18-20 minutes. I never could figure that one out... and was never smart enough to become a same-speed wonder. Yet, the only difference seemed to be my anxiety and stress level.

There have been several studies trying to understand how real time sometimes seems to pass in slow motion. A pitched baseball reaches the batter at a specific speed, yet to a good batter--say Ted Williams--the ball almost moves in slow motion and becomes clearer. Some tennis players have made the same observation. Williams used to say he could actually see the stitches on the ball and note its rotation.

So is that how Keanu Reeves (who's first name means 'cool over the mountains' in Hawaiian... in case you wondered) dodged those slow motion bullets as Neo in the Matrix movies?

It has been speculated that real time and perceived time are seen differently by the brain. Could it be that we have a "capture speed" as the brain takes it in and an almost instantaneous "playback speed" that we digest with?

A later study seems to indicate that when we perceive we have to take action, we deem the durations to be longer than if we were not required to move. The conclusion drawn was that time only seemed to pass more slowly because the test subjects remembered it doing so... kind of like in a dream, I guess.

Might that explain how a drowning man's life could flash before him in an instant... or would that just reveal that the drowning man didn't have that much to remember?

So much for today's not very interesting post.

What a beautiful world we have... but look quickly, because we sure seem to be better at destroying it than preserving it.

These were some of the 2012 winners in the National Geographic Photo Contest

More than 2,000 Buddhist temples and pagodas fill the plains of Bagan. Once the capital of the Pagan Empire, farmers now raise their livestock within the centuries old complex. The best way to see Bagan, apart from a ride on a hot air balloon, is by bicycle. It's easy to get off the beaten path and live out your wildest Indiana Jones fantasy. (Photo and caption by Peter DeMarco/National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest)

A lonely cabin is illuminated under the Northern Lights in Finmmark, Norway. (Photo and caption by Michelle Schantz/National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest)

This is the great Japanese maple tree in the Portland Japanese Gardens. I tried to bring a different perspective of this frequently photographed tree. (Photo and caption by Fred An/National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest

And, a blue moon. In fact, "blue moon" refers not to color, but to rarity. Blue moons are defined as either the fourth full moon in a season, or, more recently, as the second full moon in a month. It's the second definition that covers August's blue moon; the month's first full moon was on Aug. 1.

Makes you wonder why our news always has to feature something much less than the splendor and beauty existing around many of us. I suppose that is because there is so much of the other.

I remember how beautiful Bosnia looked in the early 1990's... then came the Bosnian War of Independence... and newsreels showed the first shelling of a magnificent countryside. It was enough to break your heart.

We have to admit one thing though... as a civilization we may not have a handle on peace but we sure know how to make war. I went to Wiki.answers.com because I was curious about how many wars we 'civilized' human beings have had.

No easy answer, it said. "However, estimates suggest that for 362 days of the year, there is a conflict going on somewhere in the world. This excludes internal (or civil) wars. Estimates also suggest that there have only been 250 years of peace in over 3400 years of documented history. (Some people suggest there have only been 26 days of peace).

"There are currently over 40 wars ongoing, in which over 1000 people die per year (those which result in fewer deaths are excluded from UN statistics), occurring world wide. There have been hundreds since the end of the Second World War."

If we are going to be good at something, why does it have to be this?

Raise your hand if you know about TED...

No, not Ted Turner or Ted Kennedy or Ted Nugent or Ted Danson, but TED. I thought so... you may "Sort of know" or "Have heard of it before" or "Huh?"

Well, it is really worth knowing. TED is a nonprofit devoted to ideas worth spreading. Started in 1984 as  a conference bringing together people from three worlds, Technology/Entertainment/Design (TED... get it?) and its mission is to spread ideas to change attitudes, lives and ultimately, the world.

At two annual TED conferences, in Long Beach/Palm Springs and Edinburgh, Scotland, TED brings together the world's most fascinating thinkers and doers, who are challenged to give the talk of their lives (in 18 minutes or less). Presently there are over 1300 TED talks to see that will stir your curiosity. Browse by subject, length, popularity or rating (inspiring, jaw-dropping, funny…) by so many notables that naming a few names wouldn't even begin to tell you. But this link will give you everything.

Like technology? Check out Sherry Turkle's talk, Connected but alone. Entertainment? David Blaine will tell you how he held his breath for 17 minutes. Design? See Frank Warren's Half a million secrets. Business? Margaret Heffernan's Dare to disagree. Science? Hannah Fry's: Is life really that complex? Global Issues? Scilla Elworthy's Fighting with non-violence... all there so many more by so many smart people... all bite-size and excellently presented.

It's really fascinating to watch these short talks... and addictive. See for yourself.

It's "Do you know... " time.

Do you know that 24 percent (pretend one-in-four) of Wall Street executives say illegal or unethical conduct may be necessary to be successful in finance... and, I add, become very rich at others' expense. We admire success.


A corollary to that might be 99 percent (pretend all) of those living below the poverty line say it may be necessary to beg, borrow or steal to survive. We should put those thieving paupers in jail just like Jean ValJean in Les Miserable.

Utopia?

Do you know that if you work in a high rise office building... or anywhere higher than the first floor, you live longer... GUARANTEED! A recent study, using the most accurate atomic clocks on earth, has confirmed Albert Einstein's theory that time runs faster the higher off the ground you are.  Says the study: for every floor above the ground, you gain in age about 90 billionths of a second over a lifetime.

That means, if you have spent... say 30 years in total hours working or living on the second floor, you will actually add about 50 billionths of a second to your life (assuming average rate of mortality, of course) over those poor land-hugging saps below. They could be merely 60 but you would be 60 PLUS 50 billionths of a second more. Ha ha to them!

So if that is you, what do you plan to do with all of your extra time?

Do you know that an Idaho man, still at large, tried to pass a counterfeit $1 bill?  If they catch him and the punishment fits the crime, he will do 20 minutes hard time in the Big House.

Do you know that there are 10 billion stars in the universe for every human being who has ever walked the earth, says Caleb Scharf, author of Gravity's Engines?
Amazingly, most cosmologists agree that number may be modest.

Do you know we (the taxpayers) own 14,000 vacant or unused buildings that cost us about $200 million a year in maintenance alone? It's my guess that when this real estate market turns around, we will make a killing!

So, what do you think of the title of my blog now?  It's Nuts out There!!! (with exclamation points!!!)

What is a comedian's most important asseTIMING!

 
In life, as in comedy, timing is everything. 

A costumed attendant working in the Canterbury Cathedral in Kent, England was approached by two tourists. "Are you a monk?" one of the women asked. 

"No," he explained, "I wear this robe as part of my job but I’m not a member of any religious order." 

"Then where are the monks?" asked the woman. 

The man replied, "Oh, there haven’t been any monks here since 1415." 

Hearing this, the woman looked at her watch and announced to her friend, "Betty, we missed the monks."

As the world speeds up, the pressure to act faster is pushing us all. Today, right or wrong, Twitter is the fastest way to reach anybody/everybody... and that is dangerous... unless we stick with known facts: #jones eating bacon & eggs NOW!, #roberto23 mmmm!

The Internet and social media push our "Fast" button. The news media--and you and me--have to be first, even if wrong. The Internet is always right, right? (A giant alligator consumed a Clydesdale horse, hooves and all, and the horse was found, still alive, in the dead gator's stomach. The photo proves it.)

Even the newly confirmed Higgs boson particle, which physicists say changes EVERYTHING we know about the universe, is faster. It exists only for a billionth of a billionth of a millionth of a second! Hypothetical question: If a Higgs bosun particle is drowning, how long does it take for its entire life to flash before it?)

Malcolm Gladwell said in his bestseller Blink, first impressions are often right. But sometimes they are painfully wrong. A man I respect once told me, "If anyone ever asks for a decision now or never, choose never as the best answer of the moment."

Here's a 500-word story I wrote a while ago that speaks to timing. I kinda like it:

“A time machine?” Ray never really believed in stuff like that. “Get outta here, you crazy old fart!” And with that, the bummie in the train station walked away.

“Geeze. Never heard that one before.” Sometimes Ray had more patience. He even liked to ‘pull their chain,’ once in a while.  But when you just miss your train, you aren’t the same person for a minute or so. And Ray just hated to be late for anything.

“You live in this city all your life and nothing surprises you anymore. A time machine…” he smiled as his mind was already focusing on the next train to Grand Central.

There was a big commotion on the corner as Ray walked up to 42^nd Street… late. People were yelling and screaming… fist fights… police cars all over the place. “What’s going on,” Ray asked a man in a business suit with one sleeve ripped almost off as he ran past, giddy with delight.

“Some nutso over there was throwing out hundred-dollar bills by the bushel basket!” he hollered, holding up his fist full of money.  “I grabbed mine before some broad pushed me down me chasing her own c-notes!”

“Damn! Ten minutes earlier. I’d have been right there… if I hadn’t missed my train.”  

Ray almost never missed the 6:46, but the very next day, when he stopped to sip his coffee instead of slopping it down the front of his fresh white shirt, the doors closed in his face.

“This is getting to be a habit.”

On 42^nd  …finally, through the crowd, he saw the back of Madonna’s head as she got into her limo with some guy. When Ray heard she was looking for her biggest fan on the street to take on-stage that night for a special song she wrote, he shook his head. No one was a bigger Madonna fan than Ray. Knew the words to every song she ever wrote, sang or danced to. That should have been him.

“Twice! Just two times I miss my train and I’m odd man out. I never miss my train!”

Ray was five minutes early the next day. He wasn’t going to miss his 6:46 and let life pass him by again. “You let grass grow under your feet and you miss all the stuff that coulda been yours. Not today!” he vowed. “Not today.”

And he was right.

An ambulance and three police cars were screaming to the scene. “What’s going on?” asked a woman who was late arriving because she had just missed the 6:46.

“Guy just got crushed by a piano that flew off that truck when it was smashed by a semi. Poor bastard! He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

  
Maybe Groucho Marx said it best: “Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”

The purpose of this post? I just thought it was time.

This proves the end may be near for us humans... either way you look at it.

Let's face it... the next big technological breakthrough to affect our lives is artificial intelligence, or AI as we humans in the know call it. AI uses all that has been invented, discovered, learned, evolved and advanced since the first moment of human thought, to create a machine that actually thinks like a human... and boy, are we screwed.

Leave it to Google to advance into the future... its team of its geniuses created an 'artificial brain.' They strung together 16,000 computer processors to give it a brain-style 'neural network' with more than a billion connections! Is that WOW or not? Then they (figuratively) sat it down in front of a computer, fed it 10 million YouTube videos and said, "Go to it, you big, beautiful, more than human machine" (loosely paraphrased)... show us what the smarter than human machine can do.

And it did! It found:

CAT PICTURES... thousands and thousands of cat pictures. (True story.)

So that gives us just two conclusions... either we presume 'the brain' knows what we do all the time... or it is the predictor of what we would do if we were as smart as it is.

I see lose-lose no matter which way we look at it.

Well, lest I get left behind, here goes:

 

Arrg!  I accidentally got duckies in the picture. Oh well, I'm human. Oh no! It's happening already.

Remember this really great joke?

Amazon founder, Jeff Bezos

Sorry about the repeat, but it sets up a neat story about Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon Books. Here's that story again... but better:

In the olden (pre-Google) days, a guy rushing for his train in Grand Central Station in NYC is running late. He stops a stoop-shouldered, bedraggled little man huffing and puffing as he struggles to carry two enormous suitcases.

"Hey friend," asks our commuter, "can you tell me what time it is?"

The man stops, grateful to be able to put his monstrously heavy suitcases on the floor and rest. As he wipes sweat from his brow, he looks as his watch and tells the harried commuter, "It is exactly 5:17.26 1/2 pm on the 365,276th day, 4th hour, 38th minute and 52 1/2 second past the birth of Christ, a Thursday in leap year 0, when the sun warmed the day to 82 degrees fahrenheit or 27.777778 celcius."

"Wow!" said the commuter who was literally stopped in his tracks. "Your watch told you all of that?"

"Oh," says the watch owner, "my watch will tell you anything you would ever want to know. Is Elvis alive? Is O.J. Simpson the real killer? When will the Cubs win the pennant? Anything, really.

 "WOW! I've GOT to have one! Where can I buy a watch like that?"

"You can't," says the little man. "You see, I invented this watch and it knows EVERYTHING... but it is one of a kind and it is mine."

"But I'll give you anything for that watch," says the commuter.  "ANYTHING! I must have that watch."

After 5 minutes of intense haggling, the commuter convinces the watch inventor--with the help of $2 million dollars--to sell him the watch. Happily, he straps it on his wrist, says "Thank you so much," and starts to run in hopes of catching his train.

"Wait... WAIT," hollers the watchmaker, pointing to the enormous suitcases sitting on the floor, "Don't you want the batteries?"

See? It is better the second time... oh, sorry.

 

So how does that have anything to do with Jeff Bezos? Eerily, quit a lot. You see, Bezos is much more that Amazon, Zappos or on-line shopping. He has other stuff that has almost nothing to do with his $18.4 billion net worth (#26 on the Billionaire list, just ahead of Scrooge McDuck, I think).  

One of those other ventures--the one that triggered this joke lead-in-- is Bezos' $42 million, 200-foot-tall, "10,000 Year Clock" that he is building deep inside a mountain on the property he owns in Texas, not far from his commercial rocket-launch site. (Yeah, really.)  

And it is, as so many things in life are, eerie. A joke that is perhaps 50-years-old becomes real-life in another time... another era. Nothing disappears, it just regenerates in a different form. While this sounds like it might be another joke, the story is real.

Bezos told The Wall Street Journal,  "It's like a grandfather clock on a grander scale. When it's finished, it will play an elaborate cukoo-like sequence for the anniversary of every year, decade, century, millennium and 10 millennia. 

"People who visit the clock when it is finished years from now will also be treated to a daily chime sequence that has been choreographed by musician Brian Eno (got that crossword fans), who serves on the project's board."

"The reason I'm doing it," says Bezos, "is that it is a symbol of long-term thinking, and the idea of long-term responsibility... We humans have become so technologically sophisticated that in certain ways we're dangerous to ourselves. It's going to be increasingly important over time for humanity to take a longer-term view of its future."

Impressive... in a vague, symbolic- sort-of way. And so is the 48-year-old Bezos. 

But if the watch batteries in my story took two enormously big suitcases, how big will the batteries need to be for this 10,000-year clock? Pretty darned small in today's world is my guess. The constant, of course, is the quest for knowledge, place and perspective.

Next joke: A horse walks into a bar... 

What could possibly be bigger than the internet?

In case you hadn't noticed, the number of unique IP  (Internet Protocol) addresses--the numerical label assigned to each computer, printer, etc. using the internet--has expanded from 12-digits to 32. This means we have just jumped from 4.3 billion device identifiers to 340 undecillion... or 340 trillion trillion trillion for the simple minded. That is because of all the watches, cars, eyeglasses and other devices that will soon be on the web-enabled market.

Speaking of watches: Guy rushing for his train in Grand Central Station in NYC is running late. He stops a person huffing and puffing as he struggles to carry two huge suitcases that seem to stretch his arms to the floor.

"Hey friend," asks our commuter, "can you tell me what time it is?"

The man stops, grateful to be able to put his monstrously heavy suitcases on the floor and rest. As he wipes sweat from his brow, he looks as his watch and tells the harried commuter, "It is exactly 5:17.26 1/2 pm on the 365,276th day, 4th hour, 38th minute and 52 1/2 second past the birth of Christ, a Thursday in leap year 0, when the sun warmed the day to 82 degrees Fahrenheit or 27.777778 Celcius."

"Wow!" said the commuter who was literally stopped in his tracks. "Your watch told you all of that? Where can I buy a watch like that"

"Oh," says the watch owner, "you can't. You see, I invented this watch and it does EVERYTHING... but it is one of a kind and it is mine."

"But I'll give you anything for that watch," says the commuter.  "I must have that watch."

After 5 minutes of intense haggling, the commuter convinces the watch inventor--with the help of $2 million dollars--to sell him the watch. Happily, he straps it on his wrist, says "Thank you so much," and starts to run in hopes of catching his train.

"Wait... WAIT," hollers the watchmaker, pointing to the enormous suitcases sitting on the floor, "Don't you want the batteries?"

So... what could possible be bigger than the internet? Well, there is something that makes 340 undecillion seem like a walk across the street... and no, it is not our national debt.

Cosmologist at work

Cosmology (not to be confused with cosmetology, which is quite different) is the academic discipline that seeks to understand the origin, evolution, structure, and ultimate fate of the Universe at large. And cosmologists (not to be confused with cosmetologists) have come together to believe we are but one of billions and billions of universes, many of which are billions of times bigger than our own. I guess that puts the Empire State Building in its place.

Cosmetologist at work

Our Voyager 1 spacecraft,  launched from earth in 1977, is nearing the edge of our known universe where the million-mile-per-hour solar winds slows to about 250,000 miles per hour. (Take that, Katrina!) Both Voyagers 1 and 2 have enough electrical power and thruster fuel to operate at least until 2020. By that time, Voyager 1 will be 12.4 billion miles from the Sun and Voyager 2 will be 10.5 billion miles away. Eventually, the Voyagers will pass other stars. In about 40,000 years, Voyager 1 will drift within 1.6 light years (9.3 trillion miles) of AC+79 3888, a star in the constellation of Camelopardalis. In some 296,000 years, Voyager 2 will pass 4.3 light years (25 trillion miles) from Sirius, the brightest star in the sky . The Voyagers are destined—perhaps eternally—to wander the Milky Way.

No, I really didn't understand it either... but you have to be impressed by the numbers. I once heard that if, on earth, the size of our planet was represented by a grain of sand, there would not be enough earth to depict, in scale, our solar system. Now eternity... that's yet another big deal!

Yeah, I am impressed by big numbers. So there.

I shrewdly stayed out of the market...

Smartly chose NOT to buy IBM, Apple, Google, and a few other flash-in-the-pans. Too clever for that. I was waiting for the big one.

So call me a tycoon if you wish, (or a greater fool) I swam ahead of the tidal wave to buy one gazillion shares of Facebook... which is, so far, only a tad in the red (translation: an arm and a leg). But who couldn't be happier for Mark and Mindy... er, I mean Priscilla. If he can smile after loosing $6 billion (it would take the average person years to earn that much) then who am I to complain?  He can always fall back on Priscilla's income. She's a doctor, you know.

Always did say, "Buy high, sell low"... or is it the other way around? Us dyslexics thank our lucky rats and praise doG for being able to get it right. And thanks to Wiley Miller, creator of the Non Sequitur comic strip, for validating my retirement strategy... and offering more fun here.

                                                                  (Sign says "Take Advantage of my IPO!")

PS: The good news for all who bought Facebook... it probably will turn out great because I lied... I really didn't buy... just loved the cartoon... which means, you are golden because I'm what you call a negative indicator... my record of getting it wrong is near 100 %.

OK. If you are so smart, let's hear you use hoosegow in a sentence.

Don't you love that word? It's just fun enough to say without caring what it means. Words like anomolous, toupee, octopi, garibaldi and crotchety (a personal favorite)  just ripple off the tongue. Oh, I saw a hippopotamous the other day... it was hippopotamusing.

I could go on and on: orthogonalization, unctous, mysoginist, huffnagle, phlebotomist, wankle, fandango, oligopoly (no, not the game)...

But back to business... using hoosegow in a sentence:

"If I were younger, maybe I'd be spending time in the hoosegow." 'Big Hy' said that.

Well, if you knew what hoosegow is, then you are OLD! And maybe you watched too many of those black & white westerns starring Tom Mix or Roy Rogers or Gene Autry... and hoosegow would have been said by Gabby Hayes or Andy Devine or some other old but wise sidekick.

Hoosegow means slammer, stir, calaboose (another good one), pokey, can, clink, roach motel (you can check in but cannot check out)... get it?

"Big Hy"

Today's hero (and winner of my esteemed "Shinola" award) said hoosegow. He is 92-year-old Hyman Stachman, a World War II veteran who, according to the NYTimes, may be the most prolific bootlegger of Hollywood DVDs... and subsequently, their Enemy No. 1.

"Big Hy," as those who have received the benefits of his work affectionately referred to him, decided that he had to do something to keep busy after the death of his wife. So, having an affinity for those serving their country in far away places, decided that he could supply them with entertainment. "Big Hy" illegally copied more than 80,000 discs of movies a year  (The Hangover, Gran Torino, The Artist, Moneyball, The King's Speech, etc.)  for six years,  putting in 60-hour weeks dubbing, packaging and mailing them--over 4,000 boxes holding 84 discs--at his own expense ($11 per box), to the troops.

To be as 'clean' as possible, he kept none for himself.

And he was beloved. He received many, many letters of "Thanks, Big Hy... " you made a difference.

Then there is Rankin Paynter... a 77-year-old Kentuckian who earned another "Shinola." Rankin jumped at the opportunity to buy all the inventory of a local Kmart store that was closing. He turned the whole store into a 'blue-light special' paying  $200,000 for the everything in every size, color and style, which he donated to local charities for those in need. (Me? I would have kept all the Rollos for myself, but then I'm not Rankin.)

"We've all been put on this earth to help each other through," he said. "If I can help people through, I'm happy."

Isn't it a pleasure to read stuff like this? Blessings to you, Shinola winners. You make the world better, one starfish at a time.

If you are happy and you know it...

CLAP YOUR HANDS!

All over America, I can hear you. Yep, after languishing so long behind Australia, Norway and a lot of other Scandinavian countries that seem to do nothing but laugh and enjoy life (how dull is that?), we finally come in at NUMBER 3 in the most happy country contest!

Yep, we are still behind but I guess we showed Denmark, New Zealand, Sweden, Canada, Switzerland, and The Netherlands a thing or two.

This info comes from the Paris based Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD) that, I think, uses an applause meter in making its momentous findings. Those Parisians are so darn clever.

I was wondering why we have, all of a sudden, become happier--in relation to everyone else, that is. Is it because we are the home of Facebook, or we have Saturday Night Live or Justin Bieber, or Jennifer Aniston is finally happy, or the Kardashians are getting it together, or a million other great reasons?  I'm guessing it is for all of those and more.

Maybe the rankings were just from a show of hands? Hey America, if you are happier than last time we asked, raise your hands--which they actually do to vote in Appenzell, Switzerland, as they have done for the last 700 years--then get those hands up.

Get your act together America... we have two spots to climb before we reach the top. So smile every chance you get and, of course, laugh at all my jokes.

Test joke: Guy goes to the doctor and the doctor says, sadly, "You only have six weeks to live."

 Guy takes this very hard... "Doctor, doctor," he pleads, "isn't there anything I can do?"

"Well," says the doc, "you could take two or three mud baths a day."

"Oh, doctor... will that cure me?"

"No, but it will help you get used to the dirt."

So... are we gaining or loosing? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Oh America, you are so helpless!

Even more proof we humans are doomed! (scroll down to see last post and catch up on the panic.)

So, I think I made my case (scroll down to previous post) that there is a conspiracy underway to eliminate humans altogether. Today's most aggressive trend is to eliminate jockeys. Why? Because it is a dangerous profession and those who know horses say jockeys only add 10 percent to the horse's effort. Oh yeah. You want the truth? YOU WANT THE TRUTH? YOU COULDN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

None-the-less, and calmly stated--panic is the last thing we need-- more proof in the continuing saga to eliminate humans altogether (Those damn aliens!) If these secret photos don't spell the end to jockeys, I don't know what does.

Can't you just see Simba riding atop the next Derby winner?

Or Michael Jackson... so now we are using the dead against us too.

Or the Aliens themselves.

See what I mean... secret alien jockey training camp

Nah... to obvious when bears can do the job just as well.

I think I made my point.

So be on the lookout for all the ways we humans are being s-l-o-w-l-y being eliminated. Next thing you know, someone will be trying to make a car that drives itself.

Oh shit!

PROOF! "They" are trying to get rid of us... or, more calmly stated: Robots are taking over the world!

If you read Seabiscuit... or saw the movie, you know the hell some jockeys have to go through--even discounting the riding injuries or deaths--just to keep their dangerous jobs. Now a Wall Street Journal feature asks, "Do Horse Races Really Need Jockeys?" Hmm? I think there may be more to this story than meets the eye.

Don't you see what's happening here folks?

No more jockeys, huh? 

Before that, it was automated telephone answering trees that eliminated operators: "Please listen carefully as some of our menu choices have recently changed."

Then it was Watson, IBM's foray into IA (Artificial Intelligence), where machine beat man at Jeopardy. (Just between you and me, I think Alec Trebek is a robot too... or Canadian.)

So, if we don't need jockeys, don't need operators, don't need contestants...  are we humans slowly being phased out by our jealous alternative universe, aliens, or a mysterious super power? I wouldn't put it passed them. Zap! We're gone... and they (whoever "they" is) step in and enjoy our television shows, fully stocked Walmarts and all the fast food "their" (little) hearts' desire. Boy, have "they" got it good.

OK. We all know about the telephone trees and Watson on Jeopardy. Now proof positive... the elimination of human jockeys is being tested as we talk... right under our noses!

Ooops! Excuse me. Bad example.

 

So do you get the picture? Unless we step in and stop this RIGHT NOW, I'm afraid we are gone in the long haul... unless... UNLESS we can talk some sense into them.

Remember Space Odyssey 2001... I think we can reason with them.

 

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Just when we discover that the Mayan calendar goes beyond 2012 (Whew to that!), we have to worry about those damn robots. Oh well... as my mom used to say, "Into each life a little rain must fall."

Buy low, sell high... or is it the other way around? I always get this confused.

I bought a bass boat once because I thought I liked to fish. I found that I did... only just 'sort of. ' So I decided to sell.

A few years back, when I wanted a bass boat so bad I could just 'taste it,' I drove a hard bargain. The guy wanted $4500 for this gem... said it was worth every penny and a lot more. "Hasn't sunk once," was his big claim.

I, smiling knowingly, countered: "Ever fish around icebergs?"

He, unsmiling, started to walk slowly back to his car, and said... nothing.

I, playing cool as always and looking quite un-anxious as I ran after him waving my arms in the air, said, in a high-pitched voice breaking with emotion, "I'll give you $4400 and not a penny more."

He turned to me and, crossing his arms across his chest, which I know is a sign of faked confidence, said, "$4495."

After wiping away the tear running down my cheek, I stilled my beating heart and reacted calmly to show him that I had won this battle. "I'll take it... please."

(Note to reader: Always be polite. I learned that early-on from a cartoon series called 'Goofus and Gallant' in my Boy's Life Magazine.

A few weeks ago, I thought... "pay-back time" as I posted my little-used bass boat on Craig's list for just $3000--depreciation, you know. I couldn't adopt his old ploy. My bass boat had actually sunk... twice.. with no loss of life I'm happy to report. And no, I was not fishing among icebergs! No more questions.

Very soon, my first 'fish  ; -)' came knocking... and I s-l-o-w-l-y started 'reeling him in.'

"Hmm... " he said eying my boat as he walked around it while scratching his chin. "Ever sink?"

"Been in the water ever since I bought it," I truthfully said.

"Hmm... " he said some more.

Well, I won't bore you with details of the intense interaction and class 'A' salesmanship I threw at him. Needless to say, he was comfortably in the palm of my hand. (He later confessed to me that I had him at Titanic.) This, subsequently, brought about my second happiest boating moment... I sold it on the spot. Best $2000 (every sucker needs a break) I ever earned.

This entire shrewdness on my part, not counting a repair here or there or here or there or here or there, netted me enough to easily pay for all my worms. And what true fisherman wouldn't be happy to figure it only cost about $500 per pound per fish?

OK. Truth is, I had to sell... I just couldn't afford to catch more fish.

So what am I going to do with my windfall? Well, I did see this sculpture I might buy. Memo to self: Be cool. Act like you don't want it... then POUNCE! (It's called 'Walking Man' by some guy... Alberto Giacometti.) Rumor has it that it recently sold for $104.3 million... but I think I can get it from that guy (who is probably suffering from buyer's remorse) for a lot less than that. It just might fill the hole in my heart from the loss of my bass boat.

Proof: Art is fashion and fashion is art

I was here last week (in Louisville, KY) and enjoyed a good art show on a beautiful day. Though the show was not judged or juried,  there were, as you would guess, many wonderful things to enjoy.

I found my favorite where I would least expect it to be... in the stall of a creative artist who uses odd scrap material in fun ways that come out, as you can see, not clunky at all. Well, if you have the talent and imagination, any medium is fair game to enthrall.

So, as one might say in Paris (disclaimer to avoid confusion: Louisville is not Paris): Voila!

If you look closely, you will see that the material is... er, license plates... Kentucky license plates to be exact. And the artist is a talented local, Joel Pinkerton.

This really neat 'piece' is full size, perhaps a six in my imaged eye, with a beautiful contour and style that would look nicely in place on an attractive (tough-skinned) blond... with an appropriate, large brimmed Kentucky Derby hat, of course, (like the one Paris--not Louisville--Hilton is wearing) at the first of horse racing's Triple Crown races this weekend. But that's another story.

 Kentucky Derby-ish type Hat

 

 

 

 

I do think this fits Sophia Loren's ideal: A woman's dress should be like a barbed wire fence: serving it's purpose without obstructing the view.

And it offers a ready-made, slightly modified, pick-up line:  Are you from Tennessee Kentucky because you are the only ten I see. (Hmm... didn't work for me either.)



And while I am talking fashion and art,  It's my darlin , a Seattle street fashion blog is one of my favorites because I love Seattle and I love trendy. (Aside: the Seattle Times has just picked this up for it's Sunday magazine.)
      

"You can fool some of the people all of the time... "

... Or, "There is a sucker born every minute." Either way, I guess I fit in both categories because, for the fifth or sixth time in my life, I paid my money to visit a Ripley's Believe it or Not museum... this one in St. Augustine, Florida, the oldest city in the United States. So I could also say,  "You can't teach an old dog new tricks."

I just keep doing what got me here in the first place...  becoming expert in all the things that don't matter, remembering all the stuff that doesn't count, saying "Gee whiz, look at that," at almost everything that is amazing and in general, stumbling through life reasonably content that I can handle myself at any Trivial Pursuit challenge.

Hmm... on second thought, who wouldn't want to know how many legs an elephant has? Obviously, an elephant has four... er, six... I mean eight legs, one trunk and no tail... approximately. Reminds me of an old joke: What is the difference between a saloon and an elephant's fart? One is a bar room and the other is a BARROOM! (I just threw that joke in so you wouldn't feel reading this post is a just waste of time. I like to call it 'value added.')

Then there is the guy from Pennsylvania who managed to eat his way through a 15-lb hamburger  in just 4 hours 39 minutes... believe it or not! Or that guy with a candle growing out of his head, or Robert Wadlow, the tallest person ever, at 8'-11"... or Chandra Bahadur Dangi, just 22 inches short. All I can tell you is that I know who I want on MY basketball team.

But the thing that always gets me is the tunnel optical illusion... you know, the one where the walls and ceiling revolve around you as you walk through on a floor that does not move. If you can keep from feeling you the one being rotated, then you can probably do a better ballet pirouette 'on pointe' than me too.

I guess I have proved my point. Ripley's is just one amazing thing after another... kind of like a good wax museum, right? (And doesn't everyone have their picture taken as the Pope canonizes them... or standing beside Angelina Jolee? )... everyone... anyone?

 OK, I'll just sign my name and be out of here.