World records are made to be broken

There seems to be a mania for world records. In today's world, a world record, which used to be as elite as first person to climb Mt. Everest or most points scored in a basketball game, has become more... er, trivialized. There seems to be a world record for anything and everything. And if there isn't one that has yet been thought of, then make one up and do it. Who needs the Guiness book to authenticate when we have Youtube. For example:

• The world record for most T-shirts worn by one person at the same time is 155. (See this on Youtube... along with millions more.)
  

• The world record for the longest human-mattress domino chain is 41, set by employees on mattresses at Bensons for Beds in the UK. (On Youtube, of course.)

• Joey Chestnut holds the world hot dog eating record... 59.5 in 12 minutes.

• At the Swimming World Championships a few weeks ago, there were 43 world records set... in only 40 events! (That damn new streamlined swimsuit. What's wrong with shaving all the hair on your body?) Not only that but the meet itself set a world record for the most world records in one event.

• Ashrita Furman holds the world record for holding the most world records... 100, including fastest mile walked while balancing a pool cue on your finger, slicing 26 apples in one minute with a Samari sword, walking 80 miles with a bottle of milk on your head, pushing a car 17.06 miles in 24 hours and many more equally as imaginative.

• But my favorite was set by Timo Kaukonen who became the world sauna champion by staying in a 230-degree sauna for a world record time of 226 seconds... almost 4 minutes! All I can say is, nice tan, Timo.
  

Who said "You have to be smarter than the aaaverage bear." ?

No, that’s not a typo… that’s an inflection. It’s the way Yogi Bear would have said it to BooBoo Bear after outwitting the forest ranger to steal yet another picnic basket in the old Hanna-Barbara Saturday morning cartoon. If you can hear him say it in your mind the way he said it then, you are probably 40-ish plus… and good for you.

 Well anyhow, Yogi lives! No, not the cartoon bear, but Yellow-Yellow, the 125 lb black bear in the Adirondacks. This bear, so named because of its two yellow identifier tags in one ear, has figured out how to crack the latest, updated, unopenable bear safe that campers, hikers, etc. use in ursine areas to keep food safe from foraging bears.

 In field tests, the bear safe has survived rigorous zoo testing and 1,000 lb grizzly attacks in Yellowstone and was certified impenetrable.

Enter little Yellow-Yellow.

 The safe is designed so well that it takes two separate simultaneous push-clicks and twists to open… something even some humans had trouble mastering. But when Yellow-Yellow smelled the food, she figured it out. Holding the ‘safe’ between her legs, she used both paws to ‘push-click’… twice, while twisting the lid with her mouth. Bingo!

 And if you think that isn’t something, then this will blow your mind: she taught other bears to do it too.

 What do you think of that, BooBoo?

There are 5,200 medical journals published in the U.S. Today!

They range from “Applied Immunohistochemistry & Molecular Morphogrphy (really) to Gut,” says Melinda Beck, Wall Street Journal’s health reporter, as she muses about their research findings.

 And the reason this is interesting? Because Ms Beck suggests 5,200 is not enough. “I think there should be two more…Duh! for findings that never seemed to be in doubt in the first place, and  Huh? for those whose usefulness remains obscure, at least to lay readers.

 “Duh!’s first issue could include findings such as these:

•  Toddlers become irritable when prevented from taking naps.
  
• Cats make humans do what they want by purring.
• TV crime dramas inaccurately portray violent crime in America
• People with high IQs make wise economic decisions.

 Huh?’s first issue could contain these-head scratchers:

• Men are better than women at hammering in the dark.
• Young orangutans, gorillas, chimpanzees and bonobos laugh when tickled.
• Neither alcohol (in him) nor makeup (in her) affect a man’s ability to guess a woman’s age.
• The more abundant the hair, the greater the tendency to collect belly-button lint.”

 Really, it’s an interesting article in which these studies are held as important… which may or may not be the case. I always thought the greatest mystic doctors hold is that… “We know stuff you don’t.” So how is one going to retain that aura if there aren’t thousands of findings to read about and interesting tidbits to drop in a timely manner?

 “Actually, Mr. Jones, your enormous quantity of belly-button lint is because you are so, er, manly hirsute… be proud, not worried. And by the way, Jones, don’t tickle your orangutan or he may pop you one. And don’t believe everything you see on TV. Now, go home and hammer in the dark, then take two aspirins and call me in the morning. That will be $79 dollars.”

 “Thank you, Doctor... you are so knowing. Just send the bill to my insurance company.”

We shouldn't give credit cards to young people...

...they are so irresponsible. Take 22-year-old Josh Muszynski of Vermont, for example... Visa slapped him a $15 overdraft fee because he overspent his credit limit when he charged $23 quadrillion ($23,148,855.308,184,500 to be exact) at a Mobil gas station in his neighborhood. That Josh... he is such a loose spender.

Think as he might, Josh couldn't recall what he bought for that price, which is 2,007 times the size of our national debt. Maybe Europe, on pump 4, he mused.

When he, in a panic, called Visa, he was told that if he paid his balance in 15 days, Visa would drop the overdraft charge. Kidding. What Visa did say is, "Whoopee! We made our budget this month." Kidding again. What Visa really said is "Huh?" It hadn't notice the slight error.

In a statement, Visa explained that the glitch affected "fewer that 13,000 prepaid transactions" as the result of a "temporary programming error... which caused some transactions to be inaccurately posted to a small number of Visa prepaid accounts."

Oh. That explains everything.

I'll see you in court

Way back when most of the people on this earth weren't born yet... like 60 years ago, a guy sued the manufacturer of his lawn mower because he fell while holding the damn thing above his head while trying to trim his hedges with it. His stupid effort cost him a leg. He contended it wasn't his fault... the mower maker was at fault because the operating instructions didn't say he couldn't.

We all laughed, but he got the final laugh when a jury of his peers (i.e. people just like him) upheld his claim and he was awarded lots and lots of money. This was the start of the era of the lawsuits that say, 'you may be stupid but we've got you covered.'

That is why the lady who burned herself with McDonald's hot coffee that sloshed from the cup held between her legs while driving in shorts, is a millionaire. And that is why there are almost no diving boards or skating rinks in America today... lawsuits that reward the stupid.

In New York, a teen, paying no attention while walking, fell into an open manhole as she was texting a friend on her cell phone. It was a five-foot fall and she did come away with a few scrapes and bruises. But, says her mother, the city must compensate her for the trauma of landing in a sewer. "Oh my God, it was putrid," said mom. "One of her sneakers is still down there."

And, going global, a Polish woman vacationing with her family, is suing an Egyptian hotel because, she says, her 13-year-old daughter got pregnant from what must have been a stray sperm in the pool. The mother is adamant that her daughter didn't meet any boys on the vacation so it had to be the pool... or, mom, the toilet seat.

Where is the logic that says we have to insure the stupid for their own stupid actions? Doesn't anyone take responsibility for what they do anymore?

If an atheist-dyslexic believes there is no Dog...

... what does an agnostic-dyslexic believe? Actually, he/she believes it's an open question... there may or may not be a Dog, but faith is another matter.

This question came up at The Coffee Scene after I read USAToday's story about Camp Quest, a summer camp for children of atheists and other non-believers. At Camp Quest, saying grace before meals is strictly optional. (Well duh!)

The camp "encourages critical thinking, such as (a game) called Evolution and learning about 'freethinking heroes' such as Isaac Asimov." One of the songs (really) sung around the campfire sounds familiar... but I can't quite place it:

Twinkle, twinkle little star;
You're a ball of gas that's very far;
32 light years in the sky;
10 parsecs, which is really high.

Maybe if you hummed a few bars...

Everyone should know how to complete a sentence, right?

Well, you'd think so, anyhow... especially if you are well educated.

How come then that Keith Pound, a New York businessman convicted of bilking an insurance company for $450 million, can't? He was sentenced to 740 years in prison and died before he could finish his sentence. (It makes Bernie Madoff's 150-year sentence seem like a walk in the park.)

Another swindler, Norman Schmidt, is serving 330 years.

But the king of the run-on sentences is Pound's partner in crime, Shalam Weiss. He is serving 845 years. Hmm... with good behavior, he should be out before June, 2909. That would make him older that Mathusela if he can finish his sentence.

So why do judges mete out such long sentences in the first place? Maybe for impact which is a big morale booster for the bilked, or to put the parole option out far enough that it won't make a difference. All I know is that the older one gets, the faster time seems to fly. Why, 845 years to Weiss might just seem like a hundred or so. I guess they call that a 'win-win' situation.

Well, I guess I blew that one

Where was I when a '0ne-in-a-hundred-year' opportunity came knocking? Asleep at the switch, that's where... or just plain asleep. How about you? Wild parties in celebration? Drunken 'end of the world' stupors? Giddiness, tears of joy?

You see, yesterday, July 8th, at 34.56 seconds after midnight, it was precisely 12:34.56 7/8/9 and it just blew right by me.

Oh, never mind. Someone just told me that it happened just after noon as well.

Department of Duh

Who among us can say that America's Funniest Videos isn't a good window to our incredible stupidness? But then again, who can say that a good blow to the crotch, sliding into a tree, jumping off a house or having the cutest pet in the whole world isn't worth our 15 minutes?

Well, here's an inside tip on how to get into the fame fastlane... hint: think trampoline. In 2008, there were 104,752 trampoline-related injuries... more that in volleyball, wrestling and diving combined.... more than Peoria, Illinois! How's that for fun? And me... I've been wasting my time riding skateboards and roller-blading. Will I never learn?

An ugly rumor...

I heard an ugly rumor today, July 7th. Somebody told me that Michael Jackson died. In fact, the dirty liar said with a straight face, he died June 25th... almost two weeks ago. If that is true, wouldn't we have heard about it by now? You would think the media might make small mention of it.

OK... so I did know. Is there anyone on this planet who didn't? Today I heard an NBC announcer say this was probably the biggest death ever in terms of people watching and caring... more than one billion will be watching this funeral... almost 20 percent of the world population.

Now Michael (as I affectionately call him) is a world figure... and arguably one of its most talented and charismatic when performing. He is a cult figure perhaps deserving of that ranking... talented, troubled, eccentric, weird, etc. But is he worth 80-percent of the news for weeks/months after his death? The media says yes. The public says yes. So who am I to argue.

In fact, a Toronto Argonaut player of the Canadian Football League was penalized 30-yards, an almost unheard of penalty, for pretending to lie in a casket after a touchdown, as a '"tribute to Michael Jackson." Whoa Nellie!

What I do cry for, however, is perspective. MJ (no, not the baskeball player) is huge... but I don't want him greater that the soldier who gives his life for me, the parent who sacrifices everything for a child, the stranger who donates a kidney for a person in need... you get the idea. The 'lesser heros' are really pretty special and their loss mostly unsung (literally and figuratively). Almost all of those 'lesser heros' had it harder than the talented and rich MJ... And they paid a price that is no less than, a sadness no less sad than, a loss no less profound than the King of Pop. And they are all desperately missed by those who know and love them, and appreciated by all.

Everyone has a place in this world... but some seem to have a higher place than others just because of fame. Remember... it only seems that way. It wasn't my rule that each of us has only one death... but none of these deaths is more special from any other... one is one. Amen.

The day I fixed something

We all remember where we were when we heard first reports on 9/11. We remember our first kiss, the moment we proposed to our spouse, the birth of our children, everything special to us... we remember. Well, chalk up another for me.

I will always remember today... the day I fixed something. No, I really did. Honest.

I've been known to be... er, a little unmechanical. I know there is something under that hood in front of the car but I'll be darned if I know what it is. I think it is a big on/off switch that makes the car go, or something like that. I have the perfect tool when an appliance breaks. It is called a telephone.

Sure, I'm handy with my more conventional tools. I do own two of them... a screwdriver that has a reversible tip so I have can do two kinds of screws, a straight one and one that looks like an asterisk... and a squeezer-thing that also serves as my nail pounder. I have a friend who has over 1,000 tools. Are there really 1,000 things to do with them?

But today... ah, today, I am a fixer person. When I checked out our small RV for an upcoming trip, I noted that the outlets did not work... or at least, when I plugged something in, it did not go. So I called the RV factory and reported this. The guy there, thinking I was someone of fixer talent, told me to check the circuit breaker. "The WHAT?" He directed me to a picture in our manual. See? That's what it looked like. I didn't know what it did... however, that didn't matter.

The problem was, he told me after having me perform a few tests (is standing on one's head with a finger in one's ear a regular circuit breaker test or not?), the circuit breaker was broken... it didn't break circuits. I guess it is not broken if it breaks other things. (I'm thinking, who's kidding who?) So he told me how to take it out and where to go buy a new one for only $38 dollars. Now I know it's a joke... but I did it anyhow.

Then, AFTER TURNING OFF THE POWER, he warned me... guess he didn't want an electrocution on his conscience... pull the old one out and put the new one in... being extra cautious to connect all the wires on the new one just like they were on the old one, even though sorting out a plate of spaghetti would have been easier.

Skeptically, I did this, thinking they are all having a good laugh at the RV factory. It took only seven hours... then I turned the power on again and plugged the toaster in. IT WORKED! I DID IT! I FIXED IT ALL BY MYSELF... with his insignificant help, of course.

When I ran home to tell my wife, she was justifiably proud of me... but said she really didn't want all that toast.

My fixer confidence is at an all-time high. So for my birthday, I want 998 more tools and a tool belt to hold them all, just in case I need to have them with me. I want safety goggles and steel toed shoes. I want a real worker-man's hard hat and a plaid shirt and jeans that show the crack of my butt when I bend over. I guess you could say I am hooked now that I know how easy this stuff is.

Note to other fixer-guys... your secret is out. What you do is nothing, do you hear...NOTHING. Next time something breaks, give me a call... I will be driving the truck that says on its side, Jerry, The Home Repair Guy... no job too big or small. And when I bend over, watch out... I'm smokin'.

Number one and number two (Means what you think.)

Re: number one: Ryanair, a European budget airline, in an effort to boost revenue in a way no one would notice, will be charging passengers $1.60 each time they use the plane's bathroom... (for number one and/or number two, I presume). And to create buyers' demand, it will only have one bathroom on each plane. The other two have been converted into extra seating. (Hmmm. I wonder if they were reconfigured or did they just screw down the lid and attach a seat belt?) Ryanair CEO Michael O'Leary, noting average flight time is only about an hour, says "What the hell do we need three toilets for?"

Re: number two: A Texas man called the police on his neighbor because, he told officers, the neighbor used the S-word for excrement in front of his innnocent (italics mine) 13-year-old daughter. The neighbor has been complaining regularly about the caller's cat which leaves feces all over his yard and the caller refuses to do anything about it. The neighbor admitted he used the S-word for cat excrement out of frustration. He was cited for disorderly conduct but, in a jury trial no less, was acquitted.

Said the cat-owning complaitant, "A little piece of America died today. It's a sad day for morality." (This man must be a saint... with a holy cat that calls the neighbor's yard a litter church.)

"Werewolf!" "There wolf."

Remember the Gene Wilder/ Marty Feldman exchange from that great Mel Brooks classic, Young Frankenstein? There was a time in folklore that werewolves were feared hiding behind every tree. No more.

A theory by a member of the British Society for the History of Science proposes that the reason werewolves have, for the most part, died out in folklore is because of Charles Darwin. Following his publication of his Origin of Species in 1859, Brian Regal says "the spread of the idea of evolution helped kill off the werewolf because a canid-human hybrid makes no sense from an evolutionary point of view."

Then how in the hell do you explain these two puncture marks on my neck?

Rules is rules

Every wonder why we have so many rules telling us to do this, do that, don't spit, touch here, stand erect, etc? It's the damn minority, folks. (No, I'm not talking race, I'm talking numbers.) It's because of the few who do something wrong or thoughtless that there has to be a rule or law to say, don't do that, even though most of us don't.... and wouldn't even think of doing it.

Went to my health club the other morning. Saw a new sign on the desk. "Absolutely no admittance without your club membership card." It used to be that if you forgot your card, you could give them your membership number and they would let you in. Now, 'no ticket, no laundry,' pal. A few abuse the privilege so we make a new rule and everyone pays the price. And some of those rules are downright silly.

It's no big thing, really. But it got me to thinking... how many rules must we have now? Literally billions, no doubt, both great and small. Have any ever been rescinded after they have served their purpose or gone out of style? A few, maybe, but not many.

Rules are like drops of water... one drop by one drop and before you know it, we have an ocean. Drip, drip, drip.

Some examples of silly: A circus clown in England was ordered not to wear his big, size 23 clown shoes because he could trip and injure someone. Think of how 'Shaq' must feel since he is a 23-natural. Elsewhere, while making a documentary, the first person to sail solo around the world non-stop and face death every day was ordered not to light a portable stove unless a 'safety advisor' was on the set to watch over things.

Drip, drip, drip.

In Alabama it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while driving. In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school or place of worship. In Florida, if an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. And it is illegal there to have sexual relations with a porcupine. Hmmm. I wonder if that applies to other porcupines too? Louisiana says it is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. What fun is that?

Drip, drip, drip.

We started with no rules at all... or rather just one... "Don't eat the apple."

Drip, drip, drip.

That Iowa...it has everything

"It looked like Armageddon," said the paralegal who snapped this bizarre cloud photo in Cedar Rapids, IA. What was it really? "Don't know," said weather authorities... it is a newly discovered cloud formation yet unnamed.

Now you know cumulus and nimbus and and cirrus and stratocumulus,
And cirrostratus and cumolo-nimbus and fractostratus and nimbostratus,
But do you know, the most famous cloud formation of all...
It's Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer...

er, excuse me... it's really the one pictured above... which we haven't yet named. I do think Rudolph would be a great name though because it fits the rhythm of the clouds... and it just might make a new hit Christmas song. Heck, we already have the melody. (That groan you hear is Gene Autry, moaning in his grave.)

Elsewhere in the state that has it all... the umpire working a high school baseball game in West Burlington, IA got so agitated at the unruly, yelling, arguing crowd that he threw all of them out of the game. Really. He had the police evacuate the stands for (figuratively) kicking dirt on the ump's shoes. Now that's calling 'em as he sees 'em.

Must have been a slow news day.

Hey Mr/Mrs Big Shot...

Now I know we are all pretty important... at least to ourselves if no-one else. But let's face it... we sometimes think we are more critical to the world than we really are. So exactly how big are you. Check out this 2 1/2 minute video to get a better perspective. (I love this stuff.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEheh1BH34Q

It's nuts out there: More undisputible evidence

Example 1: A man in Ohio was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct. Why? He was caught mowing the overgrown grass in a public park. Park officials had asked him to stop since budget cutbacks had caused the elimination of mowing... and I guess, if the city can't pay for the mowing, they won't allow anyone to mow for free either. The good citizen/alleged criminal was subsequently taken into custody. The park, the misguided potential criminal says, had become an eyesore. "I was only trying to save the city some money." I say, if you don't nip such criminal acts at the bud, where will it all end?

Example 2: As reported in Sports Illustrated, A bodybuilding competition in the Netherlands was canceled after all of the competitors fled when drug testers arrived.

Example 3: In China, after traffic was held up for five hours because a man was threatening to jump off a bridge, an irate motorist finally pushed him off. "Jumpers like that are very selfish," said the motorist.

Example 4: New York City, according to FBI crime statistics, is the safest big city in the country. It had the lowest crime rate of the 25 largest cities and came in at 246th of 261 cities rated. If that isn't nuts out there, I don't know what is.

Example 5: The Guinness Book of World Records just named Jonathan Lee Riches as the most litigious man in history for having filed more than 4,000 lawsuits against, among others, George W. Bush, Britney Spears and Nostradamus. To celebrate this honor, Riches sued the Guinness Book of World Records.

Betty or Veronica? Archie, don't be a Jughead.

Can you believe it? Archie Andrews is getting married. Well, maybe that's not the most surprising thing. The eternal teen-ager and his pals should be about ready to collect social security in human years.

It is who he is marrying that is the shocker. VERONICA LODGE!

Arch, are you crazy? Betty Cooper has loved you forever and you never saw it. She is the one who has carried your books, covered for you whenever necessary and done everything you ever asked. Even though you have broken her heart dozens of times, she is nuts about you. I even see little hearts floating in the air when she looks at you.

You fell for the flirt, you sap. Veronica is conceited and fickle. She uses you like a puppet. And, of course, she is rich... which never seemed to affect you one way or another. Betty is like your puppy... loyal and loving through thick and thin. You are Veronica's man-servant. She waves a finger, you come. Don't you get it?

Oh well... not my life.

Arch will ask Jughead Jones to be his best man. Veronica, in an ironic twist of human nature, will ask Betty to be her Maid of Honor. At least, that is the way it is laid out for Archie Comics issue number 600, on sale Sept. 1.

But that is just the tease. The question still remains: will Archie come to his senses in time? Want more? Check it out at Archiecomics.com

Secrets of life for young boys growing up

A friend at the Coffee Scene today let me in on his 'secrets of life,' lecture he gave his two growing boys as their world suddenly included girls. He wisely told his sons to:

1. Always have clean fingernails.

2. Always have clean shoes.

3. Learn how to dance.

4. Smile and laugh a lot.

5. Let them talk about themselves... and listen.

Y'know... that works in lots of situations.

Wanna see something no-one alive today will ever see again?

By the end of August, mars, the Red Planet, the subject of so many of our solar myths and sci-fi flicks, will be closer to earth than ever before.

As our respective orbits come closer, mars will continue to brighten in our sky and by late August, the two planets will be a mere 34,649,589 miles apart... a hair's breadth away in space terms!

Mars will rise in our late August sky at about 10 pm (EDT) and reach its peak at 12:30 am. Now here's the good part. It will look as large as our full moon to the naked eye! Imagine that.

Martians for dinner, anyone? Oh, it's a cook book.

Problem solved...

Jay Leno says the President just came up with the perfect solution for closing Guantanamo. He's going to turn it into a Pontiac dealership.

This India thing...

In my Nov. 16, 2008 post (look it up), I made note of the fact that China and India have 39% of the world's population. (The U.S. is a distant third.) Just saw something that helped make this astounding fact more poignant: India now has 41 cities with a population of 1 million or more! Mumbai tops the list with 14 million residents. Dehli has 10 million.

We have nine cities over a million with Los Angeles, our biggest at 8.3 million. How many of the other eight can you name. Bonus points if you can get them in order. (answer at bottom of post.)

With people come problems. Many in India lack municipal services resulting in mounds of rotting trash, sewage flowing directly into rivers and poverty in abundance. Think I recall reading that Mumbai has 179 slum areas. The movie, Slum Dog Millionaire, while a great flick, fairly accurately depicted the problem. The happy ending, however, was purely fiction. Latest news on the child stars of the film had them right back into the slums from where they were found. Hard to imagine, isn't it?

To think I was upset about missing a garbage pick-up...

Oh, yes. The U.S. cities: New York at 8.3 million, Los Angeles- 3.8, Chicago- 2.8, Houston- 2.2, Phoenix- 1.5, Philadelphia- 1.4, San Antonio- 1.3, San Diego- 1.2 and Dallas- 1.1

What can you say in six words?

Wall St. Journal today mentioned a Field & Stream Magazine short-story contest, what can you say in six words. The contest has drawn 466 entries like: "Saw geese. Guns blazed. Dogs fetched." Pretty good, huh? No matter if you are a F&S fan or not, interesting contest.

(ASIDE: I looked at the web site, which by the way, is really well designed with tons of reader content... a perfect example of what a magazine affiliated web site should be. I couldn't find any info on this contest. My guess... it is a magazine-only promoted event.... with entries accepted only on-line. It is an excellent way to get mag readers to the website...the Holy Grail of paper publishers everywhere. As a former magazine publisher, I was impressed.)

Now, back to the contest: It reminds me of the old television quiz show... Name That Tune, where contestants would bid lower to get the chance to name that tune.

"I can name that tune in six notes."

"I can name it in five."

"Four"

...until one figured the song couldn't be named in so few notes... so that person said to the other, "Then name that tune."

The pianist would play the prescribed number of notes and if that contestant couldn't identify the song, then the other won. And vice-versa. You get the idea.

Well, I can write that novel in two words: "Atlanta burned." (The end.)

I can write it in one: "Hotlanta." (Ta-dah!)

Does the number $3,550,000,000,000.00 ring a bell?

It should. It is our government's 2010 budget. So, if you personally had that much in cash ($10s and $20s preferred... or in nickels if you are some kind of a weirdo), what could you buy? According to some pretty neat research by Newsweek Magazine, you could buy:

Everything produced in Italy in 2008 PLUS all of the oil in Saudi Arabia PLUS an electric car for every 16 and 17-year-old in America PLUS the International Space Station PLUS a refund for everyone defrauded by Bernie Madoff PLUS The Big Dig, Boston's urban-infrastructure money pit PLUS a full funding for the Krasnow Institute's project to map the human brain PLUS all the tea in China PLUS the treasures of King Tut's tomb PLUS one 99 cent MP3 download from iTunes for everyone in America PLUS the first-ever weeklong staging of Stockhousen's seven-opera series PLUS the Holy Grail of baseball cards: a mint condition 1909 Honus Wagner PLUS a recession-era bargain" an Upper East Side condo on 94th Street PLUS a pair of Marc Jacobs 214S sunglasses (with dark gray lenses) PLUS one Carnitas burrito at Chipotle in Manhattan (plus tax). 

OK. So say I don't want the burrito... can I substitute? 

OR... you could spend it all on lottery tickets and have a great chance at some real money.

Lucky Number

It all started when I was five. Dad had season basketball tickets and I got to see my all-time favorite player, Number 23, of course, known to everyone as ‘Squeaky.’ He was only 5’8” but he moved through all those bigger bodies on the court like a mouse running through a tea party. “Squeaky”… get it?

Loved him to death but he broke my heart, that bastard! Shaved points… for fifty bucks! Of course, in those days, $50 was like, uh, $60… the schmuck!

So I lived through it… wasn’t easy, but I did. Despite knowing how I should feel about a fallen star, Squeaky stayed in my heart. Now this was before steroids and performance enhancing drugs. If Squeaky did that today on such a small scale, it might even get lost amidst all this other crap. In fact maybe he would be carried off the court on fans’ shoulders… “Hey, look at that… an 80-year-old that dribbles.”

Heros die hard to a kid.

“Say it ain’t so, Squeaky.”

Best Baseball Movie Ever

"Field of Dreams," of course. It was the best... and it was also one of Kevin Costner's three movies about baseball. (Can you name the other two?)

A key character in the film was Archie, 'Moonlight' Graham, played by Burt Lancaster. (I just found out that Graham was a real person!) The film didn't get everything right--like his meeting with fictional characters Ray Kinsella and Terrance Mann in 1972. The real 'Moonlight' died in 1965--poetic license, they call it. 'Moonlight' Graham did OK for himself though, in depiction and real life.

He was well known and highly respected as a kind and benevolent physician from Chishelm, Minn... just like in the movie. He really did play minor league baseball (in Charlotte and Scranton every summer from 1902 until 1908) and once, played a few games with the New York Giants against the Brooklyn team that later became the Dodgers. He always desired to be a doctor first, a baseball player second. He moved to Minnesota for his health. He had a lung condition and he wanted to live where the air was clean.

I learned all this from a synopsis of a biography soon to be released, "Chasing Moonlight: The True Story of Field of Dreams Doc Graham," by Brett Friedlander and Robert Reising. I'll no doubt give it a look.

Kevin Costner's other two baseball movies? "Bull Durham" (another classic) and "For the Love of the Game." And no, ladies, his is not bare-butt naked in either of those. You have to see "Dances With Wolves" for that.

Guessing Game

How many times have you seen 'Its A Wonderful Life?' Me? Probably 23 or so. The movie turns when Uncle Billy, on a mission to deposit the money owed Mr. Potter, misplaces his deposit wallet. It is found by the evil-minded Potter who does not return it. BOO!

In Canada recently, a man on his way to the bank with $10,000 in cash in a similar wallet, forgot to zip it closed. A gust of wind ripped it away from him, scattering the bills everywhere.

Frantic, he hollered for help. Immediately, motorists and pedestrians scrambled to scoop cash from traffic, under cars, down the street. Impossible.

So, how much was recovered and how much found the pockets of others on the chase?

Answer: Every single dollar was recovered and returned! Not a Mr. Potter in the bunch... just a lot of human beings doing what most of us would do naturally.

Isn't it nice to hear a story like this once in a while?

How do you spell...

Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg... no, not the one in Iowa, the one in Webster MA. Seems the state got it wrong on the road signs. Those sillies spelled it Chargoggagoggmanchaoggagoggchaubunaguhgamaugg. God. Can't they get anything right?

More proof!

You think it isn't nuts out there? Well, read more from these actual items that appeared in print.

From a column: One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers.

News bit: A deputy responded to a report of a vehicle stopping at mail boxes. It was the mailman.

Item: Army vehicle disappears...An Australian Army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.

Theft: A woman in the 1900 block of Lane Northeast reported that someone must have stolen her mail because she did not receive birthday cards from some of her friends.

Headline: Fish need water, Feds say.

Ad: Get 50% off... or half price, whichever is less.

Item: Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25.

Question of the day: Q. What constitutes a millionaire? A. A millionaire is someone who has $1 million, according to Mr. Blank, branch manager and senior vice president of investments at AG Edwards and Sons.

News: Federal agents raid gun shop, find weapons.

Item: County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds.

Headline: Utah poison control center reminds everyone not to take poison.

News: Crack found in man's buttocks.

Item: A caller reported at 7:14 pm that someone was on a porch yelling "Help." Officers responded and learned the person was calling a cat that is named "Help."

Police report: 1:33 pm., Sonora--A man came to the Sheriff's Department to "find out how to legally kill" a person who was harassing him.

Report: An Edgewood man reported recently that his wife had gone missing some 18 months ago.

News: Police checking the area found an open door in the back of the building. An officer went inside and called out, "Marco." Police found the suspect after he responded, "Polo."

Ad: Full size mattress. Royal Tonic, 20 year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell. $40.

Wanted: Someone to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. PO Box 322, Oakview, CA. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.

China Cabinet: Buffet, hutch solid pine. 6.5 tall x 4.5 wide. Lighted windows. Few cat scratches but cat has been killed. $700.

For Sale: Turkey. Partially eaten. Only eight days old. Both drumsticks still intact. $23.

Classified: 1995 Nissan Maxima, green, leather, loaded, CD, auto start, sunroof, 4-door, good condition, $4500. Not for sale

Burglary report: A 38-year-old Cole Avenue man reported that his home was invaded on Sept. 9. The man said that he was sitting home alone masterbating and watching a pornographic movie when a man came down into the basement, hold a gun, and started to vieotape him. The man said that before he left, the intruder fed his dog some nushrooms and the dog died.

Need any more proof than that?

Dumb crooks, Stupid sounding lawsuits, etc.

"The Human Blockhead," a circus sideshow performer who made a living hammering nails into his nostrils, was sent to prison for killing his abusive stepfather, "The Claw-Handed Lobster Boy." That's show biz, I suppose.

A Utah man sued and was awarded $267 in damages to his car from a couple who had sex on the hood and dented it in.

Prisoners have rights too, you know. One sued another con, the prison barber, for a bad haircut. Another sued the prison over the use of white towels instead of beige. See what happens if you have too much time on your hands.

As police were chasing a fleeing suspect, he began throwing away handfuls of cocaine he had stuffed in his pants. In his haste though, the suspect accidentally unhooked his pants and they fell to his ankles. I guess you could say he was on a cocaine trip, literally and figuratively.

A lonely guy from Michigan pleaded guilty to having sex with a car wash vacuum cleaner. Well that sucks.

A Virginian was convicted of second degree murder in the hatchet slaying of his mother-in-law. He says he mistook her for a raccoon.

A lady, standing on a subway platform holding a neatly wrapped package, was jostled by a man who ripped it from her hand and raced away, laughing triumphantly. The victim was quoted in the newspaper: "Of course, I had to bring a new stool sample the next day."

Enough of this for now.