Do you know... ?

 Do you know that we have 10,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000 stars in our universe? Well, as astounding as that sounds, science has found that number to be a gross under-estimation! Astronomers recently discovered that a typical elliptical galaxy, thought to  contain of about 100 billion stars, could actually have as many as a trillion. And get this: there are about 100 billion galaxies--and we are just one of them! Is that mind-boggling incredible?

THE GOOD NEWS: We now have at least three times as many wishes.

Do you know that "In the first few years after birth, there are 700 new neuron connections formed every second of the child's life. The achievement gap between a child born into extreme poverty and one of the professional class is evident by age 3," says Daniel Pedersen, president of the Buffet Early Childhood Fund. "I would build new centers for preschoolers, infants and toddlers, with three teachers per classroom."

Do you know that in Canada, guess who sells a McLobster... or in France, the McBaguette... or the McRice Burger in Singapore... or (my favorite) McSpaghetti in the Phillippines? Come on, Italy... the Phillippines?


Do you know that Warner Brothers, which bought the rights to Patty and Mildred Hill's 1893 song, "Happy Birthday," collect about $2 million in royalties every year? Hmm. If I could only remember the words.

Do you know that on 9/11, when it was realized that United Flight 93, the fourth hijacked plane, was thought to be headed to Washington DC, two of our F-16 pilots were sent into the sky with orders to bring it down. Neither plane was armed with live ammunition--no time. It was expected that the pilots would use their planes as missiles... and they were ready. It was the heroic passengers on board that took care of that.

As an aside, I was in Washington DC the week before the 10th anniversary of that tragic day, and the city and it's venues provided an awesome, somber, reflective, pride-swelling experience. If you haven't been there recently, go again, soon. There is no greater place to feel American.

Another one: The social networking site Badoo.com, recently polled its 120 million users around the globe as to what nationality is "most cool." Guess what?  Americans were voted the world's "coolest." While anti-American sentiment is a high profile perception, "we sometimes forget how many people across the world consider Americans seriously cool." Less cool: Brazil, Spanish, Italians, French, Brits, etc.

Do you know it costs more than a penny to make a penny and more than a nickel to make a nickel. Oh, don't worry... I'm sure we make it up on volume.

Do you know that in America, anyone can sue anyone for any reason. Robert Lee Brock sued himself for $5 million. He claimed that he had violated his own civil rights and religious beliefs by allowing himself to get drunk, commit crimes and land in jail, just like the song. Sounds like a solid case, but certainly not win-win.

Elsewhere, a 290-pound man is suing burger chain White Castle because he can't fit into their seats. 

Do you know that a city in Taiwan has offered an incentive to dog owners who pick up after their  Bowsers and Fifis? For every bag of poop turned in, the good owner gets a ticket to a special raffle for poop-scoopers... a chance to win one of three gold ingots worth about $2,100 (shaped like a what?)... and the city gets all the dog poop it could ever hope for. Sales of dog laxatives have gone through the roof.

Maybe we ARE the Bizarro Universe

If you love Seinfeld... and don't we all, then you just might remember his 1996 episode, Bizarro Jerry, which supposes there is a parallel world where everything is (oxymoron alert) exactly the same, except opposite. There was a Bizarro Jerry, Bizarro Elaine, Bizarro George, Bizarro Kramer... and even a Bizarro Neuman.

• Note: As Dummies.com --the company that brought us all those yellow and black 'Dummies' books to make us all feel equally stupid... not that there is anything wrong with that--says in its The Theory of Parallel Universes for Dummies: "The multiverse is a theory in which our universe is not the only one, but states that many universes exist parallel to each other. These distinct universes within the multiverse theory are called parallel universes. A variety of different theories lend themselves to a multiverse viewpoint. (If you are interested in more on this, click the link.)

Seinfeld's bizarro universe has everything "reversed" in some way. Heroes are villains, beauty is hated, ugliness embraced and nerds with pocket-protectors filled with pens make fun of 'normal' people. But really, is there a bizarro world? Well, if a number of physicists actually believe a parallel universe can/does exist, why not? Who among us 'normal people' care as long as it makes for good Seinfeld. And it does:

Jerry: Like Bizarro Superman ... who lives in the backwards bizarro world. Up is down, down is up. He says "Hello" when he leaves, "Goodbye" when he arrives.
Elaine: Shouldn't he say "badbye?"
Jerry: No, it's still goodbye.
Elaine: Does he live underwater?
Jerry: No.
Elaine: Is he black?
Jerry: Look, just forget the whole thing.


You know, I sometimes think we are probably someone else's bizarro world because so many things we used to value, today seem to be backwards. We embrace 'reality' shows by the hundreds (Fact: In 2000, there were 4 reality shows on TV. Last season, there were 320 of them--really!), fall for all things Kardashian, suffer political rancor and 're-electionitis,' and put up with outrageous politicians of all kinds while real problems become polarized and frozen.  

All of this, of course, makes for juicy media fodder, our anger at the outrageous, and great viewer ratings. We eat this stuff up. Beyonce's baby bump is a lead story. Sexting is news... and who was caught sexting is even bigger news. The Appalachian trail, which used to be for hiking, is now a punchline:

"Where did you disappear to last week Governor?

"I was hiking the Appalachian Trail."

TaDah!

The surest way to gain public attention is to to stand out... and wow, do we! Shop at Walmart, and if you dress 'right' you might go 'YouTube viral'. Cheat, lie, steal. Bitch, carp, complain... you are mainstream.

• Lawsuit: Two lovely, delightful grown children, I'm sure, sued their mom for "bad mothering," because, they said, she failed to buy enough toys, "haggled" over the amount spent on party dresses and sent a birthday card that her son didn't like.

Even the 'hit' reality show, Desperate Housewives of Beverly Hills, knows how to boost its ratings by riding on the coat-tails of a tragedy. When the husband of one of its stars committed suicide, the news filled the Entertainment Today genre of 'exclusive coverage' programing for a week. Then the network announced--to satisfying media coverage-- that it would be running suicide prevention public service announcements during its showings. And while some were saying, "Isn't that thoughtful and wonderful," television moguls were saying, "When the world hands you lemons, make lemonade."

• A very rich Malaysian with more money than he knew what to do with, just paid $5 billion for a 100-foot gold plated yacht. Its bedrooms are platinum and one contains a priceless statue carved from a T.Rex bone.  "It will never be topped," he boasted. 

Are we going crazy... or are we already there? What has happened to our values? Statistically, half of us used to be below average. Well, I'm thinking that today, at least 2/3 of us must be below average... a new world record!
      
Life is an emotional balance of what is happening, what we know, what we can do about it, and how we feel... but sometimes, I believe we are nothing more than a mixed up pot of people just waiting to be stirred.

Hey... wait a minute! We are are OUR OWN bizarro world... I'm sure of it.


PS: Lest I get too carried away, I really am an optimist-- with a touch of cynical sarcasm--who believes lots of good does happen, it just often gets lost in the media's weird demand for your attention... and our rewarding them by watching and caring for the wrong things. My comfort blankie:

• A Los Angeles high-school senior whose good grades gave him an opportunity to compete in a unique free-throw contest, beat seven others to win a $40,000 college scholarship. Because of his skills, he was later granted a basketball college scholarship, so contest rules allowed him to take his prize in cash. But, the son of Ivory Coast immigrants said, "I've already been blessed so much and I know we're living with a bad economy," so he donated it to the contestants he beat. "This money can really help my classmates."

• The Fresno County Schools Superintendent cut his own annual salary from $290,000 to $31,000. "If we face midyear cuts, I can have the money ready to go and it doesn't affect our employees.

Thanks, good examples. I needed that.

If justice is blind, witnesses aren't... but perhaps it would be better if they were

The prosecuting attorney asked the key witness, a 60-year-old nun, to identify the man she saw murder the victim.

That man!" she demonstrably told the judge, jury and world. She pointed her saintly finger and repeated, with emphasis, "THAT MAN, the accused, right there." The trial was as good as over before the jury returned its guilty verdict.

Other trials saw witnesses putting it differently: "There is absolutely no question in my mind..." "I'm 120 percent sure...." "That is a face I shall never forget..." Guilty, guilty, guilty.

In this digital age of Photoshop and technically skilled users, courts will no longer accept photos as incontrovertible evidence... but an eyewitness... that's a different story.

There are 75,000 eyewitness accounts per year, according to the New York Times, and up to a third of those are, regrettably, wrong! We are human, after all. When DNA could offer absolute proof of a person's involvement or innocence in a crime, the first 250 DNA exonerations showed that 190 eyewitness accounts were wrong!

Marisa Tomei and Joe Pesci in My Cousin Vinny

Anyone who has watched My Cousin Vinny (and if you haven't, you should) with Joe Pesci, Marisa Tomei, and Ralph Macchio knows that. And how about that Marisa Tomei as Mona Lisa Vito... an Oscar, no less, for stuff like this:


Vinny Gambini: Your Honor, may I have permission to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?
Mona Lisa Vito: You think I'm hostile now, wait 'til you see me tonight.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Do you two know each other?
Vinny Gambini: Yeah, she's my fiancée.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.

At one time, I knew flamboyant attorney F. Lee Bailey well enough to ask if it is difficult for him to defend a client that he knows is guilty. Bailey, whose famous clients included the innocent O. J. Simpson, told me that if a person is actually innocent or guilty has no bearing on the trial. Every trial, he said, starts as a clean slate and what happens there is the de-facto ruling of guilt or innocence, right or wrong... and the flamboyant egotist loved the game.

Sadly, O.J. was, perhaps mistakenly convicted--you know how juries are-- for another 'situation' and is now serving time in jail instead of exhausting every waking moment searching the world for the real killer of his wife and her boy friend. Boy... talk about a rotten break.

Isn't justice scary put that way? One of my childhood nightmares: I was wrongly convicted of a murder and got the electric chair... really! Then, as I grew up, I realized how silly that was. Then, as I grew 'more up,' I thought, happens all the time.

I guess it then makes even more sense that criminals try anything and everything to avoid being caught and sent to trial... much like the Washington state guy who, while allegedly (the key word the media uses to keep from getting sued) drunk, backed his car into a building structure and brought it down. As police arrived at the scene, he ducked into a portable toilet and doused himself with a bucket of human excrement. "He thought," said the unlucky office who had to drag him to the ground and 'cuff' him, "that the dogs were coming and he was trying to throw them off the scent."

Well, nice try. He now needs F. Lee Bailey to tell the impartial jury, "If the excrement don't fit, you must acquit."

My "novel" genius idea

Enjoyed author Michael Parker's  promo appearance at our local book store (one of the three that still exist) for his new book, The Watery Part of the World. The setting for his historical fiction tale is the early 1800s and the main character is Aaron Burr's daughter, Theodosia, who is taken by pirates off the coast of North Carolina.

Anyhow, he talked about writing 'real pirate dialog' instead of the usual "Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum" stuff featured in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies..." not that there is anything wrong with that. Well, they made a bundle of pirate gold in a dead man's chest, for sure. What I didn't know, however, is that the movie idea came from the attraction of the same name at Disney World and Disneyland. Wow! That revelation brings with it, a plethora* of ideas.

*Thanks to The Three Amigos for the best use of plethora in a sentence:
Jefe: We have many beautiful piñatas for your birthday celebration, each one filled with little surprises!
El Guapo: How many piñatas?
Jefe: Many piñatas, many!
El Guapo: Jefe, would you say I have a plethora of piñatas?
Jefe: A what?
El Guapo: A plethora.
Jefe: Oh yes, El Guapo. You have a plethora.
El Guapo: Jefe, what is a plethora?
Jefe: Why, El Guapo?
El Guapo: Well, you just told me that I had a plethora, and I would just like to know if you know what it means to have a plethora. I would not like to think that someone would tell someone else he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has no idea what it means to have a plethora.
Jefe: El Guapo, I know that I, Jefe, do not have your superior intellect and education, but could it be that once again, you are angry at something else, and are looking to take it out on me? (FYI: A plethora is two or more pleths.)

But, if you think about it, look at other Disney book/movie tie-ins: Space Mountain, Snow White, Peter Pan, Monster's Inc., Winnie the Pooh, Aladdin, The Haunted Mansion, Dumbo, Cinderella, Buzz Lightyear, etc... all, big money makers.

So I thought... what rides haven't been both a book/movie AND an attraction? All of a sudden, I had two best sellers: A mystery novel--The Spinning Teacups of Arsenic and Lace and a 'can't miss' musical-- It's a Small, Small World of Trouble and Woe starring all the cutest little kids in the world.

Now how does that song go again?

Absolute proof... there is a God

In South Carolina, one couple saw the face of Jesus on their Walmart receipt. Oh, they didn't see it right away or they would have been whooping it up, but after returning from church. They noticed the receipt had become discolored and bore the image of a man with a beard that was... well, I'll let them tell it so I don't mess up on the technical details: "It was like it was looking at me. Then the more you look at it, the more it looked like Jesus, and it was just shocking, breathtaking."

Add this to God on toast and grilled cheese sandwiches (popular favorites of Jesus when he was a child), God in clouds, Jesus-shaped potatoes, etc... and we're not even talking Blessed Virgin Mary here. Privately, I often wondered how toast knew what God looked like, but I guess if you are God, you have your ways.

Y'know, I often just breeze right by those who prophesy the rapture or the apocalypse.. but when word comes directly from the world's largest retailer, it stops me cold. Walmart even matches prices now... another sign?

This has me thinking about Hell. Purgatory was the safety net (you know... you just suffer a little--maybe with crazy acne and nothing to eat but chocolate or suffer allergies and ragweed is always in season-- until you have done penance for all your sins... maybe for one trillion-billion years, but since eternity has no time constraints, that might just seem like a few minutes, THEN you get 'invited up'). But since The Pope has officially eliminated Purgatory, that has a lot of us worried.

Worse yet, there is new proof of how hot Hell (which is deep in the core of the earth, right?) really is. A Japanese study suggests that radioactive decay added to primordial heat, which has been building for 4.5 billion years, generates 44 trillion watts of power. (Remember what it did to Godzilla?)

You talk about hot! In profound conclusion, Woe is us!

"Mawidge is what bwings us together today... "

Statistically, most of us are married. And about half of all marriages end in divorce. And most of those divorced, remarry. Yes, most of us men/women, men/men, women/women, love marriage so much that we do it 1.4 times on average. (Statistics back this up, but they are confusing, so I've made your life easier by totally avoiding them. None of that mumbo-jumbo for my readers.)

Truly, "Mawidge is what bwings us together today... " 

And if you haven't seen Princess Bride, perhaps the most fun movie ever made... and the only one featuring Andre' the Giant, shame on you. What movie can you name that includes Cary Elwes, Mandy Patinkin, Chris Sarandon, Christopher Guest, Andre' the Giant, Fred Savage, Robin Wright, Peter Falk, Peter Cook and Billy Chrystal?

FYI: Most marriages: An East coast groom married 28 times, only stopping to die at 88. (So that's the secret to long life. All this time I thought it was eating vegetables.) Not surprising, same guy holds the record for the most divorces... 27. (Side note: An Indiana lady has been married 24 times and is coming up fast on the rail).

Most brides, least divorces: Easy... polygamist Warren Jeffs who is on trial now for having marital bliss with his 12-year-old bride... one of his "100 or so" wives. Least number of divorces: tied for the record with none. Jeffs wants his followers to build him a mansion as big as a Holiday Inn in anticipation of his triumphant return home. Heck. He's no dummy. The guy will get rich just on the tips that are left for the cleaning maids. I do see a bigger problem... how does he keep from calling Stephanie, Suzanne... and Annette, Angelina... and Bernadette, Hey... You... er, what's your name again, sweetie?

Crazy mixed up bride and groom:  The white American couple who had a black baby when she became pregnant just by watching a 3D porno film. Now THAT'S realism. I wonder if she had to keep those special glasses on? Her husband said "I see no reason not to believe her as those 3D films are very lifelike. With the technology of today, everything is possible."

The wife and her girl friends had gone to see how a porno movie looked with 3D effects. GREAT, they obviously concluded. "A month after watching the film," she said, "I found I was pregnant." And the child, it is reported, looked exactly like the black male lead. The couple is suing the movie theater and the producer of that very realistic film, which has to be a "shoo-in" for a Special Effects Academy Award.


Best right hook for a bride: Rupert Murdock's 42-year-old wife who floored a protestor trying to assault hubby Rupert, age 80, with a shaving cream pie in the face.

Most children in a marriage: 69... really? At least that's what Guinness says. A woman and her husband, in a land far, far away (Russia), a long time ago (1700s), had 16 pair of twins, 7 sets of triplets and 4 sets of quads. Hmm. Documentation in the pre-pencil days only works well if you are writing the bible.

Longest marriage: 86 years... by a NC couple... both living into their hundreds... or as they tell it... at least it seemed like 86 years.

A tribute to NASA as Space Shuttle Atlantis heads home from the International Space Station for the last time...

Can you imagine... this is a real, undoctored photo!

It is astronaut Bruce McCandless II who became the first human satellite just 25 years ago! He is a football field away from the Challenger, 170 miles above the earth, moving at 17,500 mph.... though it doesn't seem as fast to him because he can't see the telephone poles zipping by. He and astronaut Robert L. Stewart made the first untethered spacewalks in history using their nitrogen-propelled "ray guns" (my words) to zip this way and that.

They were floating free in space for six hours while they circled the earth almost five times--105,000 miles-- with nothing but a few essentials (space suit, air, toothbrush, Swiss Army knife, etc.)  Without phone booths, even Superman can't match that.

Discounting the obvious mortal consequences if anything went wrong, that must have been like no carnival ride on earth... I can't imagine. I couldn't even step out on the glass floor section of Toronto's CN Tower.

Commander Corey fights for you!

Well, these guys may have been the first ACTUAL human satellites in space but we have long known what it is all about. We had Commander Corey of the Space Patrol on radio and early television in the '50s, Captain Video on TV and Flash Gordon of the comics who fueled the fire. These fictional heros introduced us to  space and stirred imaginations. And as kids, we were enthralled. From that generation came the space pioneers at every level, from scientists, astral-physicists and technicians to astronauts and the those who worked the launch pad.

Captain Video and Video Ranger

Space Patrol was best... it was first a radio serial where acting was over the top... with great sound effects--Whoosh! Zoom! Tzaaaap!-- to add (to the best of anyone's knowledge) realism. Commander Buzz Corey and sidekick Cadet Happy (really), with help from the beautiful Tonga of course, fought the the villains: Mister Proteus, Dr. Ryland Scarno and my personal favorite, the evil scientist, Prince Baccarritti whose evil laugh would curdle milk.

Program commercials were voiced by 'Captain' Dick Tufel for WheatChex and RiceChex with "... out of this world Space Patrol stuff that all Space Patrollers will want to have...spaceophones, projectoscopes and atomolights..." often with an important alert: "The letter "O" is very important in the future."

When Jules Verne wrote "From the Earth to the Moon" in 1865, who would have ever guessed... THANK YOU NASA FOR A GREAT RIDE.









Does that make Walt Disney the next visionary by naming Mickey's dog, Pluto? Hmm. Maybe.   

So, going from the sublime to the ridiculous, as Loony Tunes Porky Pig would say, "Th-th-th-th-"That's all folks!"

I'm telling you... It's Nuts out there

College football mania is just around the corner, but some fans may be confused. For the coming season, the BIG TEN will have 12 teams and the BIG 12 will have 10. Meanwhile the PAC-10, perplexed and out of step, will just have 10.

Some are still reeling as the advent of same sex marriage moves to a broader acceptance, but get ready for the next big wave. Rajesh, a trend-setting Indian rickshaw driver, was recently married to Chinki, a monkey. As a side-note, monkeys are important in Hinduism. Well I guess! The happy couple is reported to have had a 'swingin' honeymoon. PS: Yes, true story. 

During an anti-helmet protest ride in New York, one of the 550 bareheaded riders lost control of his cycle, was thrown over the handlebars of his bike, hit his head on the pavement and died. He likely would have survived the accident if he'd been wearing a helmet, state troopers said. Are you listening Gary Busey?


A North Carolina man drowned over the July 4th holiday. Cause of death listed in the paper (so it has to be true): He got a cramp because he went swimming immediately after eating. See... mom was right.


Some lifeguards in Newport Beach make $200,000 a year and many make more than $100,000. Teachers of the world... you are so dumb to be stuck in a job where you can't get a tan, wasted all that time in school and, oh yeah, can't raise a family on one salary.

Side note: The MEDIAN salary of 350 CEOs of major corporations was $9.3 million (that is for each!) last year so it kind of makes life guards feel "like, ya know, hey man, what am I... chopped liver?"


Superstar Shaquille O'Neil missed 5,317 free throws in his 19-year NBA career. Such prowess at the line compelled his opponents to create a new defense against him... the 'Hack-A-Shaq,' figuring the best way to keep him from scoring was to make him shoot free throws... and they were right.


Gasoline is currently selling for 12-cents per gallon in Venezuela! None-the-less, for the first time in that country's car-loving, anything-goes-on-the-road culture, a driver has had his license suspended. He was speeding. He was drunk. He was an on-duty bus driver. His bus was carrying more passengers than it could legally hold... and, oh yes,  the bus was missing a wheel. I hope he has learned his lesson.

India is growing at the rate of 44 new people per hour vs. New York's nine and London's one-per-hour pace. India will overtake China in total population by 2050... and get this: 92 % of Mumbai's workers walk, use buses or trains to get to work. Now doesn't that seem a lot more relaxing than being stuck in traffic?

In an attempt to slow the population growth, India has recently begun encouraging man-monkey marriages. (Yes, that's a joke... but hmm... if it can work for one... )

Made in America: What's good for General Bullmoose (ref. Al Capp) isn't--necessarily--good for the USA anymore.

ABC's World News with Dianne Sawyer recently produced a segment called "Made in America." The several-part piece has astounded us as to how few of the things we commonly buy are actually made in America. It is a surprise, but it shouldn't be.

Al Capp was the incredible, satirical genius behind Li'l Abner, a very cool, used-to-be comic strip that you have to be over 50 to remember. General Bullmoose, an early character, was Capp's personification of General Motors, an industry giant of the time. (But times change, don't they?) General Bullmoose knew how to make money... the American way, by ingenuity, boldness, dominance and opportunism... sort of the way Capp--and others--saw GM, the world's leading automaker and industrialist of the time.

America was the icon of the universe... the most powerful of the superpowers, the one all others looked to when something... anything was needed. We were the export kings... the breadbasket... the shining example of what everyone else wanted, as we still are, in some of the same and many new ways. Our capitalistic bent said supply and demand was the rule... we were the supply... and everything American was in demand. So what was good for General Bullmoose was good for the USA--more in truth than many were willing to admit.

Ah... it's good to be king.

But that was then. This is today.... America still standing tall and still greatly admired by most.  But if you read Thomas Friedman's book, The World is Flat, you have an interesting history of how things have changed... and they have. That's evolution for you. Things change, we adapt.

Supply and demand have changed. Best single example: Walmart. Most products are not made in America but we buy them-- making Walmart the world's largest retailer--because we find stuff there that we want/need, and it is usually competively priced, having been made--here and everywhere in the world-- and delivered to their shelves at a most competitive price point. We create our demand, the flat world supplies it.

Today, we are consumers, by 2/3 to 1/3 over what we export.

Made in America is still a great thing... but far from the only thing. Made in China, made in Japan, made in Taiwan, Germany, Portugal, etc. is so today. Picture the world as (forgive me) one big Walmart. General Bullmoose is dead (and so is Al Capp, in 1979).

Think I'm kidding? One look through your closet... your garage... your house, will tell you I'm not. But there is more:

San Francisco is rebuilding its Bay Bridge, the link between 'The City' and Oakland. And that bridge, honest, is being built in China. Two dozen giant sections-- each as big as half-a-football field-- were built there and shipped 6,500 miles to Oakland for assembly. California says it saved hundreds of millions of dollars and obviously, believes quality will serve its citizens well.

China, reports the New York Times, is also 'building' copper mines in the Congo, high-speed rail lines in Brazil and huge apartment complexes in Saudi Arabia. China also builds your iPad, toys, jetliners and lots and lots of other products. Want to have a look at what we import and from where? Check this out. Pretty interesting.

Yes, we still make stuff. Yes we still innovate. Yes we are still really good at lots and lots. But the world is larger, smarter, flatter... and much more productive. Has to be. World population has grown from 2.5 billion in 1950 to 6.1 billion in 2000 and will be around 9.3 billion by 2050! Prolific little buggers, aren't we?

General Bullmoose is dead... we are not. But we sure are different.

Last note: The pendulum swings. Lately, some American companies are bringing production back to our shores. Capitalism's rules mandate that where it's made and how much it costs will always be changing variables.

Death never comes easy in the movies

I saw a guy die once... actually, a guy, his girlfriend and a fetus. He was 'hot-dogging' and tried to pass a car--his sister's car-- on a hill.  I saw it all through my windshield as I was driving toward him up the other side, about 50 yards below the crest. With a ditch and wall on my right, I was 'frozen' in place. He was coming at me, head-on, at a police-estimated 70 mph. When he realized he had to do something, he sped up and took a violent right, over-correcting onto the shoulder. When he pulled left, trying to save it and have a great story to tell the guys at the shop, he lost a wheel and T-boned my vehicle.

His story died right there, just a few feet in front of me. Mine, blessedly, did not. Whole thing, start of finish, took 5 seconds, max. Death in the blink of an eye.

Now in the movies, it's a different story... especially if you are Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, Freddy Krueger or Chucky. Yep, the super creeps of horror movies. (Wired magazine did the heavy research-- 41 originals and sequels in total.)


Jason, of Friday the 13th fame, drowns, takes a machete to the shoulder, an ax to the head and re-drowns (can you do that?). He falls into toxic waste, is stabbed with a mythical dagger and dragged to hell. You'd think that would do it... but NO! He is blown to pieces, stabbed with a fireplace poker and ejected into space. Dead? Don't bet on it. Latest sequel count, 11 plus the original.

Michael Meyers in Halloween is knitting-needled (Viola! A new verb, created by me) in the head, coat-hangered (Another! I'm on a roll) in the eye, is shot six times, falls two-stories, is shot five times, shot in both eyes, blown up, hit by a truck, thrown from a car, beaten with a pipe, stabbed with two knives, falls from a balcony, is thrown through a windshield, is pinned between an ambulance and a tree then decapitated with an axe... and if that isn't enough, he is impaled on spikes and stabbed in the face and chest. Whew! In the original and 10 sequels, dying is such hard work.

Freddy Krueger of Nightmare on Elm Street fame is burned alive, sledge-hammered in the stomach, burned again, ignored (Oh no! Not ignored.), is splashed by holy water (and doesn't make the sign-of-the-cross), is buried in sacred ground, torn apart by souls of victims released from the dead, pipe-bombed in the chest, trapped in a furnace, decapitated, had his hand-severed and has his throat slit. Shame... he was the chatty one. All this happened in the original movie and 13 sequels!

Chucky of Chucky fame, the darned cutest of them all, is burned in a fireplace, cuts off his own legs to escape being impaled, is covered in molten plastic, has his head blown up, his face cut with a scythe, is shot and chopped up in a fan. This in only the original and 4 sequels... which makes Chucky a mere rookie in the Crazed and Impossible to Kill Killers Hall of Fame. Can't wait to see the next sequel.

The bad guys never die easy, or at all. And the good die young... but of course, they are not great box office. So I guess it makes sense.

Finally... A political figure that sets a good example!

Did you ever see a better mug shot than this one of John Edwards? How come more hardened criminals--and others charged and indicted--don't take more pride in how they look for the public?

ATTENTION ALL OF YOU CONVICTED, CHARGED AND/OR INDICTED: Wear your best white shirt and nice tie... no, not the one with soup on it, but the nice one. Make sure you have a $400 haircut (easily affordable it if you are a good thief) and, for God's sake, sharpen up those tattoos with a magic marker if you have to. How about a little pride and nice smile? You're trying to make a good impression.


To review: Bad Mug shot

Bad mug shot

Bad mug shot

Bad mug shot... with redeeming qualities

Good mug shot

See what I mean? NOW THAT'S A MUG SHOT! Thank you, John Edwards, for setting a good example!

The richest of the rich: Just think of the good that could happen if this duo put their differences aside and stood together. Why, they could save the world!

Thank you Forbes, for helping us settle an argument. Just who is the richest on the planet?

Forbes has long been know to keep tabs on the world's richest person, largest company, highest earning athlete, etc. But growing up, the one image that sticks with me is Scrooge McDuck rolling in all his gold coins, laughing at how he outsmarted the Beagle Boys (who are always scheming to steal his gold) again.

So if Scrooge is so rich, how does he compare to Bill Gates, USA's richest at $54 billion? Well, after calculating all his gold (measured scientifically by Forbes' "moneyologists"--depth of gold x area of arena-size vault--at today's soaring market prices), poor Scrooge only came up to $44 billion... a measly $10 billion shortfall.

OK... two "realities" here... Scrooge must have lost at least $10 billion in gold by playing with his money, swimming in it, running it through his webby fingers, etc. (Mom always told me not to play with my money or I might loose it. That's why I still use the old "wrap it in my handkerchief and pin it inside my pocket trick.") Or, maybe those Beagle Boys did siphon-off $10 bil. or so... one never knows. All I can tell you is that they drive a new car every year.

Viewed another way, picture all of Bill Gates' wealth in gold... the way Scrooge likes it... with Bill sitting on top of a pile that is 20 percent bigger than Scrooge's! Now that's impressive. (Also impressive is that Bill Gates and his wife Melinda have given nearly $25 billion to worthy causes everywhere in the world through their still growing foundation, which is incredible... and worth a look for your own information.)

So we have settled that. Bill Gates is worth more than Scrooge McDuck... and what Gates has benevolently given makes him more valued by far than any other billionaire, of which there are now 1,210. (Officially according to Forbes 2011 listings, Gates is the second richest man on earth... behind Mexico's Carlos Slim Helu by only a paltry $12 billion, give or take a few bucks.)

Other fictional billionaires that made this year's Forbes' list:

• Richie Rich is worth $9.7 billion
• Bruce Wayne (aka Batman... but don't tell anyone), $7 billion
• Mr. Monopoly, of course, $2.6 billion
• Montgomery Burns (Homer Simpson's boss) $1.1 billion

Dropping off the Fictional Billionaire's list from prior years: Jabba the Hutt, Thurston Howell III, Jed Clampett, Laura Croft, Willy Wonka, Cruella De Vil, Lex Luthor, "Daddy" Warbucks... and sadly, Santa Claus, who, with the price of toys increasing every year along with the growing population, is using all his resources just to keep the elves in food, clothing and shelter so they can continue to give hope to all the children of the world... God bless the elves for staying with him.

And, as I always say when I play my traditional role of Tiny Tim in our annual family Christmas recreation of Scrooge, the movie and stage play, "God bless us, one and all."

Other people's stuff, more or less.

Every day I try to say unique things... like Unique New York, three times real fast... or the world's hardest tongue-twister, The sixth sheik's sheep is sick.

Or, I had a wooden whistle and it wouldn't whistle, then I got a steel whistle and it still wouldn't whistle. So I got a tin whistle... and now I 'tin' whistle...   but enough of me.

I just read a little of Mardy Grothe's new book,  Neverisms: A Quotation Lover's Guide to Things You Should Never Do. It makes so much common sense:

• Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche.
• Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
• Never make a speech at a country dance or a football game.
• Never eat Chinese food in Oklahoma.
• Never get caught in bed with a live man or a dead woman.
• Never change diapers in mid-stream.
• Never lose sight of the fact that old age needs so little but needs that little so much.
• Never eat at a place called "Mom's."
• Never give your girl and your dog the same kind of jewelry.

See? And you probably have your own. Let me know and I'll add to the list.

Then there are "Ruminations" by Aaron Karo that ring true. He says:

• They want me to mail in my 'scrap gold. Scrap gold? Yeah, I keep it out in the garage next to the barrel of worn out diamonds.
• I still don't understand why people have different opinions than me.
• How did no one else have the same shoe size as Cinderella? Was she some kind of freak?
• Why don't they just bottle tears and sell them as make-up remover?
• All of those extreme couponers across America need to get together and propose a budget plan to the president.
• One poor movie decision and now Netflix thinks I'm an 80-year-old woman
• I hate it when people I hate like things that I like.

Other important things to know:

• The incredibly beautiful 'Toilet Seat Hat' worn by Princess Beatrice, (Fergie's daughter--no, not the singer) at the royal wedding six weeks ago was sold at auction for  about $100,000 US dollars (I couldn't find the British 'pound' sign on my computer) to some lucky person. Don't worry... the money will go to charity... to help them buy toilet seats for that proverbial pot, if they have one. Now, who would pay a hundred grand, let alone be able to afford it?

• Maybe one of these guys... The world's four richest men, Carlos Slim (a Mexican magnate), Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Mukesh Ambani (India's richest) control more wealth than the world's 57 poorest countries. Take that, third world.
• Malawi (in Southeast Africa) is considering a law against breaking wind in public. That could lead to a lot of finger pointing.
• One out of three people under the age of 40 in the USA has at least one tattoo except in the NBA where the percentage has to be in the high 90s, which might skew the numbers. Now multiple ear-piercings are OK, but some go even further and opt for elf ears... where the tops of their ears are cut then sewn back together in a pointed shape. Neat, Tinker Bell.
• Almost half of the adults left in Detroit are functionally illiterate, says a recent study. Gohw Tygers!
• There are now 7 billion of us on earth... soon to grow to 10 billion by 2020... and perhaps 15.8 billion by 2100... and we'll still have room left over in Wyoming.
• Talk about high paid athletes, Gaius Appuleius Diocles, called the "champion of all charioteers" in 146 a.d., retired at 42 with 36 million sesterces in earnings... about $15 billion in today's world, not counting Nike endorsements. 

True story: When a British schoolboy was unable to remove a vase that was stuck on his head (don't ask me how or why), his mom took him to the hospital on a city bus for a medically approved removal. Apparently, hospitals have better hammers. In an attempt to make the boy look more normal to the other passengers, she placed a school cap on top of the vase... but, according to reports, refrained from drawing a smiley face... because it might look 'too fakey.' (OK... I made the 'face' part up.)

 True fact: The average cost to treat a bullet wound: $17,000. Life is so unfair... where would a phesant get $17,000?

True statement: Good night.

The true story of how I saved the United States economy... and your 'you-know-what!'

Well, I'm usually not one to brag... but what the heck... if it's true, it's true. 

For almost a year now, the sun visor on our Ford truck (passenger side) was missing it's retaining clip--the tiny, one-inch square, gray plastic thingy that holds the visor in place when it is not shielding my wife's eyes from the sun. So for one year, my wife has suffered, with dignity (most of the time) with the visor hanging loosely from its hinge, bouncing willy-nilly over hill and dale (not to be confused with Disney's Chip and Dale), just 'gutting it out.'

I know... who said life was fair?

Every so often, like a woodpecker's gentle but persistent pecking, she would remind me to "get that (insert affectionate pet name for the object) fixed."


So I planned... and schemed... to do it as a special birthday surprise-- not for her birthday but on the one year date of the clip breaking. I went to my friendly Ford dealer and said, quite debonairly I might add, "Order me one of these things and damn the cost!"

"Yes sir. That will be $15.07, cash in advance.

$15.07! Well, if you love your wife like I love mine, you just gulp and do it. Although I do believe that $15.07 might be just a touch steep for a small piece of plastic. I could get three rolls of duct tape for that and absolutely guarantee the sunscreen would be in place forever... and have plenty left for the next dozen projects. But I love my wife, right?

I picked up the preciously priced piece the very next day and secretly began the installation process. (Lest I mess up, I just don't announce things like that to the world, because... well, you know.)

Take plastic piece, which installs with just one tiny screw, and begin the process. Wait. WAIT! Where is the screw?

Call to dealer: "Where is the screw?"

"Sir, the screw does not come standard with the little plastic piece."

"I beg your pardon. I was standardly screwed!"

Miraculously, I found a screw in my trusty toolbox-- the one that holds the screwdriver that looks like a cute AA battery with one end being a cross-type thing and the other, like a straight line, and a nut-holder that was also my pounder-thing.

Sure, the screw was too big, or small or something... but I forced it and, IT WORKED! Job complete in just a little over 2 hours. World record!

My wife was overjoyed... and secretly, so was I. Happy Birthday, truck!

Now I figure... if one small piece of plastic for an insignificant, non-mechanical part of the vehicle costs $15.07 (without the screw), what would my $26,000 vehicle cost to make, part by part, if I ordered everything from my friendly Ford dealer? My guess... maybe $87,356.29, give or take a few screws.

End of story, right? Well, almost.

Weeks later, letting bygones be bygones, I ordered the fancy lug nut cover for the one missing from a front tire, same vehicle. 

"No, problem, sir. These fancy-ish ones only come in sets of 4... and will cost $44.44 (coincidence? I don't think so.)... plus tax. Done! Anyone want to buy three fancy-ish lug nut covers, or should I just throw them, like everything else extra, in the bottom of my tool box forever?

So that is the true story of how I personally helped turn this economy around... and got Ford back on its feet.

I also do other patriotic things to move the economy along. Went to a movie last week and surprised my wife with the Special Senior Saver bushel of popcorn for just $26. And if that sounds high, perhaps you don't realize it comes with free refills. And those big gulp sodas... how do they do it for only $4.95  with free ice--and lots of it, no less?


Viva la economy!

PS: Happy rapture. See you tomorrow... or not.

It's an improv world... and some of us just don't get it.

I think Tina Fey has come to save us all.

She is the best 'comedian/writer/Jill of all laughter' around... and she has an idea on how to live better, have more fun and reduce that ugly body fat.

In her first (only) book, Bossypants (best cover ever), she has a light-hearted 'take' on something significant. If life is not scripted but an improvisation, how come we keep killing the skit?

In the book, she reveals The Rules of Improvisation That Will Chage Your Life and Reduce Belly Fat. Her experience comes from her time at Chicago's famous improvisational comedy show, Second City, and of course, her job as head writer and performer on Saturday Night Live, and now, 30 Rock.


"The first rule of improvisation" she says, "is AGREE. Always agree and SAY YES. When you're improvising, this means you are required to agree with whatever your partner has created. So if we're improvising and I say, 'Freeze, I have a gun,' and you say, 'That's not a gun. It's your finger. You're pointing your finger at me,' our improvised scene has ground to a halt. But if I say 'Freeze, I have a gun!' and you say, 'The gun I gave you for Christmas! You bastard!' then we have started a scene because we have AGREED that my finger is in fact a Christmas gun... ' The rule of agreement reminds you to respect what your partner has created. Start with a YES and see where that takes you."

"As an improviser, I always find it jarring when I meet someone in real life whose first answer is no. 'No, we can't do that.' 'No, that's not in the budget.' 'No, I will not hold your hand for a dollar.' What kind of way is that to live?"

The second rule "is not only to say yes, but YES, AND. You are supposed to agree and then add something. If you start a scene with 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you say, 'Yeah...' we're kind of at a standstill. But if I say, 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you say, 'What did you expect? We're in hell.' Or if I say, "I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you say, 'Yes, this can't be good for the wax figures...' "

You get the idea?

Next rule: "MAKE STATEMENTS. this is a positive way of saying, 'Don't ask questions all the time.' If we're in a scene and I say, 'Who are we? What are we doing here? What's in that box?' I'm putting pressure on you to come up with all the answers. In other words" Whatever the problem, be part of the solution. Don't just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles."

And lastly, 'THERE ARE NO MISTAKES, only opportunities... beautiful happy accidents."

Just think... if Eve held up a pretend apple and said to Adam,  "Try this. The snake gave it to me." And Adam said "Yes, it looks good and I think I would love Granny Smith's, if I knew what they were, but I've heard apples give you goiters." Then Eve, walking on, says, "A goiter must be like an original sin." Then, it's a whole new ball game. You either have a life or a catechism lesson.

All the things I can't live without... but just didn't realize it until now!

I love air travel... always have. But I am usually so busy reading or looking out the window that I just don't have time to check the contents of the seat pocket in front of me. Last time I did, I realized some airlines don't have barf bags in there anymore. That puts a lot of pressure on a person, you know.

On this last trip, I decided to look again. And there it was... the current issue of SkyMall... my" FREE COPY--TAKE IT. WE'LL REPLACE IT!" Who can resist? It was literally jam-packed with so many wonderfully-imagined products. A person could look through WalMart for a lifetime and never find these hidden gems, reserved, I believe, for the elite... the beautiful people who actually fly through the air, in the special section of the plane referred to as 'coache,' such as 'moi.'

Opening it to a random page (page 10, actually) I saw something for healthier stress relief that would alleviate stress and tension. Relax away migraines and more, without drugs, with our Head Spa Massager.

Its patented Italian design (those Italians think of everything) incorporates Japanese engineering...  (from the same people that brought you invincible nuclear power plants) but that's not the best part. It is suitable for any age and you can use it anytime, anywhere! (exclamation point is mine, for excitement.) You'd think this would cost a fortune. Not so. I'm ordering 3 or 4 (Christmas is right around the corner... our local department store already has decorations and pre-holiday sales) for the low price of just $49.95 (plus tax, shipping and handling, of course.)

Might also get the Military ZOOM binoculars so I can see the color of an Eagle's eye... from a mile away! (Spoiler alert: blue.)

There were Leonisa body shapers (va-va-voom!) for every body style. I know they work because the illustrations had green arrows around all the body parts that "shape." Prices range from $34.99 to $79.99. That expensive one shapes from knees to chest so you know it's good.

Yes They have other stuff just as great... A golf bag with detachable cover that instantly converts into a fairway cooler for 'you-know-what'; an analyzing "SwimSense" performance monitor... You might not swim like an Olympian but now you can train like one!; a four-foot aged bronze replica of le Tour Eiffell (Eiffel Tower, to the lesser, non-French); a shelving system that holds up to 2,262 CDs, 936 DVDs, 528 VHS tapes, or 465 Disney tapes--in 76" cherry triple (beautiful simulated wood); something that looks like a microwave for shoes that prevents the spread of bacteria, fungus and bad odor; and of course, much, much more.

Are you an aspiring attorney who lacks only passing the bar to defend an axe murderer? Well, don't sweat it. This "Passing the Bar" game is not only fun but educational. it is The perfect gift for law students and lawyers. Now how simple is that?

This is cute. The Bigfoot, Bashful Yeti Tree Sculpture. Imagine the delightful shriek of surprise when the kids see that! It is either that or The Peeing Boy of Brussels Statue and Fountain... nearly four feet tall! You won't be disappointed, I promise.

Go ahead and sleep in late this weekend, your dog has a yard of his own ... with this neat Porch Potty (premium grade)--which looks like a poor man's indoor putting green-- for only $279.99... or, Potty train your cat faster than most people can potty train their kids, just $49.99.

I also want THE LARGEST WORLD MAP MURAL! They say it is a scaled down version but I don't know. What does '1 inch equals 1 inch' mean? Sound rather 'biggish' to me.

Saving the best for last, have you ever had to fly to an important meeting... or someplace where you had to be at your sharpest when you got off your 6 a.m flight? How can you look sharp with so little sleep? The only answer: nap on the plane. The only solution: The SkyRest Travel Pillow. Think of the respect and awe you will gain from your fellow passengers as they take notice: "Look, I'll bet he's a business tycoon resting so he will be sharp for some important life-or-death meeting when he gets off the plane."

You may think this is funny but I just can't live without 'em. You know the old song: "How do you keep em down on the farm after they've seen Paree?"You say you are too young to know that song? Then just shut-up!

One good tern deserves another... and other ridiculous puns and dribble (literally and figuratively) and, special added attraction: Those Brits!

...in this case, another world record.







It is confirmed... the arctic tern, weighing just .05 oz, is the longest migrator on earth. This little bugger covers 44,000 miles in a year... and if it were driving a Chevy, in just five years, the car would have 220,000 miles on it. Think of the trade-in value on that. In a lifetime--for a tern, perhaps 34 years--it would fly the equivalent of three round trips to the moon.

Then there is the momma polar bear that swam for nine days across the frigid Beaufort Sea to reach an ice floe 426 miles offshore, according to researchers at the U.S, Geological Survey in Alaska. Obvious conclusion by those in the know... she was probably bear-y bear-y cold. She did lose 22 percent of her body weight... and her cub, who did not survive the journey.


Scientists also have discovered bass in U.S. rivers that are intersexual--that is, exhibiting both male and female sex characteristics. These large mouth and small mouth bass are thought to have been altered by pollutants in the water. Initial evaluation says "while there is cause for concern, there's no cause for panic." But if this is one of nature's precursors, what if humans drinking the water are so affected. Hmmm! More of 'he said--she said' when we are talking to ourselves.

Ever hear of Dan Magness? This guy, 26, just set the Keepy Uppy (that's the official name) record by keeping a soccer ball off the ground without using hands or arms for 250,000 touches! Yeah... and he did it 'on the road' bouncing 36 miles in 14 hours as he toured all five of London's Premier League stadiums. I'm not overly impressed with many world records, but this one is kind of awesome. Just staying awake and on his feet is something. Of his quarter-million touches without one miscue, 25 percent were with his feet, 70 percent are with his head (which may explain something) and 5 percent were with his knees.

Those Brits! Ever read London Review of Books, a pretty heady publication for the high end literary crowd of England? While it can appear a quite stodgy, there are always the classifieds to add a touch of dash. A few recent 'eye openers:'

• While you're reading this, I'm taking a photograph of you from outside your window. Later today I'll put it in the scrapbook I'm compiling of our love. The heading will be "Day 1."

• Sexually, I'm not like Switzerland at all, even though live there. Monolingual M, Lausanne-based, seeks F for the usual shenanigans.

• As a child, my fontanel never joined up properly. So I must insist on wearing a helmet during intercourse. Other than that it's all systems go.

• Ulcerative gingivitis prevents me from eating tomato-based products and using tongues when kissing. It doesn't matter--I hate tomatoes!

• Female, 34. All own limbs. Seeks man with low priorities.

• A while back I wrote a bunch of really angry ads here directed at you after you left me and went back to your idiotic ex-boyfriend. I want you to know that I regret none of them. I'd do it again and I still hate you.

• This is how I want to seduce you--using meaningless words in a column of fools before a theatre of idiots. Write immediately and be upon me.

Those literati just slay me.

Noteworthy people you haven't heard of... or, awkwardly gramatic... of whom you haven't heard.

So what's the big deal about Ray Townsend who died recently at 97? Ray did something hardly any one of us do... he invented the first practical mechanical hog-skinner! And that means...?

Well, it means hot dogs only cost a buck or so. His Frank-a-Matic, introduced in 1962, revolutionized the way skinless hot dogs were made. Left-over meat parts are ground and stuffed into temporary casings (the small intestines of sheep--really) to hold them together as they are cooked... then, Townsend's machine would remove the casing from the dog... so fast it would make your stomach swim--30,000 per hour! See? That's how hot dogs became, not only every-man's meat byproduct but 'production-line-manufactured' cheap.

Townsend was a busy guy. He also developed some flight instruments for the Learjet, adjustable weights to the golf putter so golfers have something more to tinker with and a fish skinner that would clean the fish, remove the head and fins, and tidily skin what's left.  He did exercise machines and treadmills too... in all, 127 different inventions. But the Frank-a-Matic remained his favorite. Or, as my mother-in-law would seriously say, "Who doesn't like weenies." Really, she said that.


Then there is Gil Meche.  Gil had a five-year, $55 million contract to play for the Kansas City Royals. As sports salaries go, he deserved it. He had a good arm, a good head and the prospect of becoming a pretty good pitcher. But--and isn't there always a BUT--he hurt his pitching shoulder.

He had every right to sit out the year and take home his guaranteed $12 million salary. Injuries are one of the risks that every major league ball club must take to sign the talent. Meche, however, lives by another credo. "I was making a crazy amount of money for not even pitching. Honestly, I didn't feel like I deserved it." He would rather spend the time at home with his wife and kids. How archaic is that?

For every sports fan who has lived and died by the success of the 'star' on their favorite team... for every sports fan who has watched or been forced to root for a multi-million-dollar crybaby... or someone who gets in trouble with the law... or is involved in a scandal of one kind or another...or someone who insults fans, is on steroids and/or is a total jerk... or any combination of these and more... and still pulls down the big bucks without delivering or even showing gratitude to the fans or the people who pay his salary, I have one word for Meche:WOW! What a powerful reminder of happy endings. Thanks, Gil, for showing some old fashioned humility, moral balance and class. Nice to know there are those of you out there.

Two more class acts: Cubs Hall of Famer Ryne Sandberg gave up $16 million when he retired in 1994, when 16 million was like... a billion today, saying he could no longer perform at peak level. He later returned to play two more (sub-peak) seasons.

Pat Tillman also turned down a $3.6 million offer to play pro football for the Arizona Cardinals after 9/11 and joined the Army to fight for his country instead. He was killed by friendly fire in Afghanistan.

Then there is Jack LeLanne, exercise guru and fitness fanatic, who recently died at 96. When asked once if he ever thought about dying, he said, "No. Dying would be bad for my image."

LaLanne was an impressive pioneer of the physical health boom we enjoy today. He started the ball rolling on a national basis, comparing himself to Billy Graham by saying that diet and exercise were America's salvation. And he is probably more right than some think. Too bad more people don't listen. But then, like Billy Graham would likely admit, there is still work to be done.

Never a wallflower, LaLanne was more than happy to show the world what exercise and diet could do. His feats were impressive:

1954 Age 40: Swam the length of the San Francisco Golden Gate Bridge underwater with 140 pounds of equipment, including two air tanks… an undisputed world record.

1955 Age 41: Swam, handcuffed, from Alcatraz to Fisherman’s Wharf in
San Francisco, CA.

1956 Age 42: Set a world record of 1,033 push-ups in 23 minutes on You Asked for It, an early TV Show.

1957 Age 43: Swam the treacherous Golden Gate Channel, towing a 2,500-pound cabin cruiser. This involved fighting the cold, swift ocean currents that made the 1 mile swim a 6 ½ mile test of strength and endurance.

1958 Age 44: Maneuvered a paddleboard 30 miles, 9-½ hours non-stop from Farallon Islands to the San Francisco shore.

1959 Age 45: Completed 1,000 pushups and 1,000 chin-ups in 1 hour and 22
minutes.

1974 Age 60: Swam from Alcatraz Island to Fisherman’s Wharf, for a second time handcuffed, shackled and towing a 1,000-pound boat.

1975 Age 61: Swam the length of the Golden Gate Bridge, underwater, handcuffed, shackled and towing a 1,000-pound boat.

1976 Age 62: Commemorating the “Spirit of ‘76”, swam 1 mile in Long Beach Harbor, handcuffed, shackled and towing 13 boats (representing the 13 original colonies) containing 76 people.

1979 Age 65: Towed 65 boats filled with 6,500-pounds of Louisiana-Pacific wood pulp while handcuffed and shackled, in Lake Ashinoko, near Tokyo.

1980 Age 66: Towed 10 boats in North Miami, Florida filled with 77 people for over a mile... in less than 1 hour.

This man just loved to tow boats!

For 80-plus years, he exercised every day of his life and ate only fish and vegetables. What a guy!

Can't forget Milton Levine, the inventor of the Ant Farm, who died in January at 97. While on a picnic in 1956, he watched a mound of ants at work and thought they were so interesting that they belonged in an aunt aquarium for everyone to be amazed.. everyone except the ants, I guess. "I found out their most amazing feat yet," he confessed, "... they put three kids through college."

Dorothy Young disappeared for the last time this year, at age 103. She was magician Harry Houdini's longtime assistant who took his secrets to her grave.


Last but not least, Eunice G. Sanborn of Jacksonville, Texas died. She was born in 1896 and lived to become the oldest person in the United States at 114. What this means, I say excitedly, is that we have all moved up a notch. Fingers crossed!

"Lions and tigers and bears! Oh my!"

... A direct quote from Mrs Noah as she watched the animals, two-by-two, board the ark...  NOT!

Actually, Dorothy (Judy Garland) said it in The Wizard of Oz when all she had to contend with was a tornado, the Wizard, the wicked witch of the West, a bunch of Munchkins and her friends, a cowardly lion, a scarecrow without a brain and a tin man without a heart. Sounds like my old bowling team.

Anyhow, the subject today is animals...  human and the other kind. And if you want to see how it all began, (evolutionists, you can skip this part) take a look at Robert Crumb's illustrated Book of Genesis. It is truly cool.

Crumb, known for his comic book style and some rather "unusual" drawings and underground comic characterizations, stuck right to the book (that is, The Bible) for this one. Actually, his depiction is from the King James Bible and a 2004 translation called The Five Books of Moses... so Catholics, sit this one out unless you go immediately to confession. As an added bonus, you will finally get to see what God, Adam and Eve and that damn snake look like.

Other big news on the animal front... as told by Associated Press writer Jennifer Quinn who reported it so 'Milnesque:'

When we left them, Christopher Robin was going away, and Things were going to be Different. 

Now, more that eight decades later, a rumor is sweeping the Hundred Acre Wood. According to Owl, who heard it from Rabbit, who heard it from Piglet, the adventures are about to resume. It falls to the bear to pass on the news to Eeyore.

"It's Christopher Robin," said Winnie-the-Pooh. "He's coming back. "

And so it is... after 84 years, the first authorized sequel to A.A. Milne's classic tales, Return to the Hundred Acre Wood, is now on sale. Just that thought brings back rich memories of those bed time stories read when my kids were as young as theirs are now.

Alan Alexander Milne, 1882-1956,  was an English novelist and playwrite who gained legendary status as the author of the Winnie-the-Poo series of children's tales and poems. As beloved as his characters in the series were to the children, the stories weren't written for his son... or children at all.  They were intended, he said, for the child within us, as simple lessons of life.

And, looking as some of Pooh's quotes, what lessons they are:

When late morning rolls around and you're feeling a bit out of sorts, don't worry; you're probably just a little eleven o'clockish.

When looking at your two paws, as soon as you have decided which of them is the right one, then you can be sure the other one is the left.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Those who are clever, who have a Brain, never understand anything.

Owl hasn't exactly got Brain, but he Knows Things.

If you want to make a song more hummy, add a few tiddely poms.

The more it snows (Tiddely pom),
The more it goes (Tiddely pom),
The more it goes (Tiddely pom),
On snowing. And nobody knows (Tiddely pom),
How cold my toes (Tiddely pom),
How cold my toes (Tiddely pom),
Are growing.

Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering.

Just because an animal is large, it doesn't mean he doesn't want kindness; however big Tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo.

If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.

My spelling is Wobbly. It's good spelling but it Wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places.

It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.

Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I used to believe in forever
But forever's too good to be true.

I've missed you, Pooh Bear... in more ways than you know.